Thursday Regular

Went to Devilles last night. Caught up with two of my besties, sang karaoke (London Calling, if you're interested), and actually laughed and smiled a bit.  And I could actually handle a bit of a crowd - while focussing on only a couple of people, if you get my meaning. 

Joburg said I seemed happier than she was expecting.  It's the thing of seeing friends, I think. 

The rest of the day was the usual mix of numb and anxious.  One of the worst episodes was whether I had addressed a parcel correctly, with the right name on it and such.  Whether it would get signed for, acceptable to Australia Post.  Silly little things like that. 

Still a mess.  But, booked a second appointment with the new shrink for the 14th.  Hmm, isn't that Bastille Day? 

A Foggy Mind

The mornings are the worst.  Whether it is because the Lexapro dosage is at its minimum, or the after effects of the insomnia, or the waking up alone day after day, year after year, or the fact that it's too early to call anyone, the mornings are the worst. 

The anxiety has ramped down a bit.  But it's been replaced with the self loathing, the self hatred, the who could ever love or even like me thinking.  Which, as awful as it sounds, is familiar and somewhat comfortable.  In the sense that I know how to handle this thinking, that I've battled that side of me many many times before. The fact that I'm at the point of accepting meds and therapy usually means I'm on an upward swing.  Even if I can't for the life of me feel it at the moment. 

At work, I'm almost a robot at the moment. Which works for me. 

After work, I have found myself stopping in the middle of the footpath, unsure, uncertain of what on earth I am going to do next.  Looking around me, from one direction to the next, almost hoping for some kind of inspiration, some reason, especially to avoid just curling up on the couch or bed at home, sleeping/wasting my life away.  Yes, I'm one of those people lol.  Indecisiveness, always a bad sign with me. 

And I feel that blaming the depression or the medication for me being this way is a cop out.  I'm just as much me as when I'm happy.  Or something. 

And other friends have real problems.  And I'm in self loathing, self pity mode.  I suck. 

Cannot Even Think of Subject Title

Numb or anxious. Those are the two settings in me at the moment. There is no in between, there is very little emotion in me besides these two.  One kinda sorta positive though, when I am at work it settles me into the routine of the actual data processing. 

But away from work I don't feel I have any purpose or goals or anything.  Dammit, this blog was not meant to be another descent into anxiety and depression, but you can never predict how these things are going to evolve, and after the break of the last few weeks, I do want to get into this daily again.  Even if the subjects are somewhat painful. 

I will get better.  I always do.  But hurting at this level of whatever this is, is always ultra awful. 

Day Zero

I was almost in tears this morning, about the thought of going to work.  For no particular reason, either. 

The last couple of weeks have hit me like a brick.  Have realised how fucking depressed I am, and have been proactive with getting medication and referral to new shrink.  Ah, sweet, sweet Lexapro lol.  Which in itself has hit me for six.  On the therapy side, got the referral last Monday, and got in to see new shrink on Friday, which is hella fast in my experience of these things.  And she seems nice enough, nothing jarred during the session. 

And I'm kinda sorta isolating myself from my friends, even the close ones.  Haven't seen Roma for three weeks, and she indicated quickly by text what she's going through at the moment, so in the big scheme of things, my anxiety isn't as important as her stuff. 

Funnily enough, it's been Casablanca who has been the most supportive, the most helpful, the most understanding about it all.  While she is going through a massive amount of her own stuff. 

I'm just second guessing myself a lot recently. Wondering whether I've made the right decisions in various aspects of my life. Wondering whether the things set in stone are just examples of my stubbornness. 

It's all in flux.  Can someone please just tell me that it's going to be all right, before I get overwhelmed and do something stupid? 

A Few Positives

Jacksonville said to remember that I'm loved, not to stress, and that everything will come out in the wash.

Lucerne said that next time I fall apart, to give her a call and she will slap some sense into me.  Which was lovely to hear, as I hadn't thought to put her in that category as yet.

And Havana, one of the friends I have made most recently, said that the first impression that I give is funny, creative, understanding, loyal, brave and have an amazing, jealousy inspiring sense of style.

I've still got it.  Even when I'm all about the self doubts recently.

Distractions

Some of the things I have thought about writing this week -

- misogyny, rape culture, male entitlement and yes all women;

- cross dressing, self esteem, shame and hurt;

- the struggle that is First World Problems, when Iraq and Ukraine are falling apart, a billion people don't have fresh water, and various of my friends have much bigger issues than me;

- visiting an ex, and feeling next to nothing emotion wise about it all, and how awful that lack of feeling was;

- food and restaurant blogging.

What I have done instead -

- inserted needles in my back, or rather, a friend put them in for me - acupuncture lol;

- watched a zillion football World Cup games;

- fretted about friendships;

- avoided writing stuff.

A Remembered Nightmare

Ugh. The first one that I can remember in almost a month.  Was watching television, in my dream, and it was the news.  Some revolution out of control in Egypt or Syria or Pakistan, one of the currently unstable countries, and they were showing executions.  Not that I have ever gone looking for that sort of stuff on the interwebz, but the imagined in my dreams was quite upsetting, and enough to jolt me awake.  Ugh. 

Hmm. And I missed a word last night about the blow back from realising Casablanca is truly over. In amongst all the hurt and pain and anger and bile, there is also a deep sense of betrayal.  As much as she will deny it now, I came to Perth with an idea of how things might go.  Now, whether I misinterpreted or not, doesn't deny the fact that she wanted me here. I believe in a more than just friends capacity. 

Execution dreams indicate a major life change or needing to cut someone from your life, apparently. It's on the interwebz, it must be true.  Lol. 

Writing at 4 in the morning.  Always a bad sign... 

Scattered Thoughts

I'm just feeling a bit lost in myself at the moment.  I'm looking back on the last few weeks and realising how close to the edge I have been.

I do believe I had a nervous breakdown.  Or was as close to one as I have been in decades.  Overwhelmed with emotion.  The first time I had actually started to let go of all the hurt and bile and pain of the Casablanca Experiment, as I realised the relationship portion of that all is finally over.  And there's still plenty more hurt and pain on that front to let go of, and I am terrified of how that will go.

And the fact that I emotionally collapsed in front of Roma, who is going through her own stuff at the moment - the dynamic is a delicate enough balance as it is, and for me to just fall apart hmm.  Is embarrassing the right word?  Mortified?  Scared?  Yeah, something along those lines.  Deep breath, it will all sort itself out in the wash.  It always does.

Despite the last paragraph, had a great weekend.  Spent most of it with Jacksonville, with Roma helping with an outfit and make up on Saturday evening for a party I was going to.  A couple of set piece group situations, and I am still finding my feet in large groups again.  Not sure why I am veering away from those at the moment, and it is related to the whole lost feeling from the first sentence today.

I leave work, and even when I do have plans (or, as today, coming home for a clean the house night, long overdue lol), I don't know what to do or where to go or whatever.  Hence my thinking this is the calm after the storm of last month.

Am I making any sort of sense here>?  I'm kinda sorta doubting it, to be honest.

Furrowed Brow

It's been an interesting week.  You may or may not have noticed that I've not posted for a few days.  Too much swirling around my head.

And now The Notebook is on the television.  I could say it's totally down to Rachel McAdam's cuteness, but who am I trying to kid.  It plays to the hopeless romantic side of me, as I totally roll my eyes at myself.  Life is not a Hollywood movie though, even though this particular movie hits all those romantic spots in me.  Dammit.

Hmm, how to describe the week.  Exhausting, that would be it in one.  Caught up with with a heap of friends, including Roma, Jacksonville and Johannesburg.  While still feeling a bit, empty, about it all.  With Casablanca planning on going East, on the positive side, I get my choice of her boots and art.

I've started another photo project, yes another project.  This is one that Jacksonville suggested, one of the hundred day happy things.  I'm up to day six thus far.  Up to this point, I have put in a flower, a screenshot of the Game of Thrones opening credits, the couch at Roma's place, Monet's Parliament House, the Perth skyline, and yummy pavlova.  I'm surprised I haven't put pictures of friends in there as yet, but the things thus far make me happy for so many different reasons.

Work is good.  Out on the floor, away from training.  Which is fantastic.  If I have to deal with more dumb newbie questions, I won't be happy.

Going to go all out with my femme look for a party tomorrow night.  Corset and pretty lingerie and make up and it should be great.  Sometimes I wonder what is going on with that side of me, and then I think I don't need to worry or fret or anything, it will all work out for the best.  Or not.  But there's no reason to worry or fret about it.

Jacksonville says I need to concentrate on the positive side of things in my life, and not to go trying to fill the various holes that there may or may not be.  I can do that, but it - hmm, I don't know where I was going with that, apart from the whole but thing.

Avoid, ignore, distractions, yeah that will work.  How about that World Cup and State of Origin and restaurant haikus and summer blockbuster movies.  Or some such lol.

I Honestly Don't Know How To Feel

Casablanca is moving to Brisbane.

Both Roma and Jacksonville said that it will be a good thing, to clear my head, and heart, of all the chains and connections with her.  But when it happens, it is going to hurt like a motherfucker.

Even though I have moved on, even though the relationship level never got to where I wanted it, at even at the highest level, it was only there for four months.  It will still hurt.

She's a complication I don't need anymore.  On the logical level.  On the emotional level, I still love her, even though she has fallen down the friends chart in importance.

It will be for the best.  As I grind my teeth.

I'm not fucking following her this time.

Wednesday's Menu, Restaurant Amuse

So I can refer to it later if needs be.

Prawns, avocado, pear and umeboshi

Chestnut, daikon, pine nuts and pumpkin seeds

Marron, Geraldton wax, carrot and saltbush

Mushrooms, miso, chicken and rice

Pork, octopus, kimchi and black garlic

Beef, artichoke, kohlrabi and horseradish

Grapes, bloodlimes and roselle

Popcorn, caramel, chocolate and prune

Was nom.  Was fantastic.

A Fantastic Evening

Wednesdays.  My favouritist day, primarily because it is the set catch up with Roma day.

Going around to her place after work, relaxing into the couch, chatting and the rest.  And then on her bed, having my toenails painted.  Purple this week.

And then out to fancy French restaurant.  Well, French-ish, there was all sorts of fusions going on with the courses all over the place.  Nine courses, degustion.  Was awesome, and the wine choice was fantastic as well.  Roma was a bit distracted, she apparently has a lot on her plate at the moment.  Did my best to help her relax, dunno how much help I was though.  She got even more distracted when I paid for dinner.

Here for you honey, as and when you need.

But it was a fantastic night, good food, best friend, talking about art and theatre when we do the Melbourne trip.  And when I got home, Pulp Fiction on the television.

Made up for the blah of work.

Snippet

There's a church at the top of one of the hills when I'm at my bus stop. With the time of morning I am getting up and commuting at the moment, the dawn light catches the stain glass in the cupola, and it's just gorgeous.

Sometimes I wish I believed churches were more than just pretty buildings, hand of God etc. But I don't. But the fact of sunlight hitting glass, just so, yeah, it's a lovely, pretty, good start to the day.

Before Coffee even.

The random page I opened up to with the new motivational book I got yesterday was 'Recognise Your True Friends'. I think I have that aspect of my life covered already, but always good to be reminded.

Early morning blogging, it's a thing. Lol.

Self Help

So, I got two inspirational kinda books today.  100 Days Happier, and Love Your Life, both by Dominique Bertolucci.  Yeah, I was in that kind of mood when I was browsing through Dymocks.  

Sometimes you need to remember to be positive, to love yourself, to be an optimist, to trust that things will work out, not to over analyse, and all the rest.  To concentrate on the good things in life, and minimise the rest.  I do it to a good amount, I think, focussing on the important people, but you can always improve.

I need to tune out the news more.  I mean, I've done a good enough job ignoring politics lately, but the latest mass shooting in California has stirred up a hornet's nest of interactions on my Facebook feed.  I'm conflicted, I have strong opinions on it all, but at the same time it's such a negative drain.

It's been that sort of day.  But tomorrow the regular dinner with Roma.  Although not so regular this week, will actually be quite fancy.  French degustion lol.  Will see how that goes.

Sometimes I think I've got it all sorted, and then it just evaporates in a mass of uncertainty.  That has been my afternoon today.  Need a good sleep...

Enchanter's End Game

No, not a reference to David Eddings' Belgariad book five, apart from that it is useful alliteration.

Casablanca is in the final gambit of things in her current situation.  She is in arrears on the mortgage, the bank has issued a writ, the ex husband has offered to take on board the house and to basically let her walk away debt free.  But with an added portion of getting custody of the children.

Hashtag what a fucking mess.

She might have to be out of the house within the next two weeks,whether it is option A with the bank, or option B with her ex.  And she needs me.  And I am torn, between the person I was two years ago, and the person I am now.

It's too late, it's far too late.  If I were logical, I would walk away.

But.  I'm not Vulcan.  Dammit.

She hasn't changed, she...

Fuck, it's all too hard.

I mean, I have given up on the relationship hopes, a long time ago in a holocaust of emotion and hurt and pain (and not the good pain).  The friendship, the grudging friendship is still there, and that's what I would also ditch if I were logic.

I'll sleep on it.  Well, not specifically the situation above, but I'm too tired to make any sort of sense about big life decisions.  Or even little ones.

A Day Of Two Halves

This morning, in bed, not wanting to leave the house, curling up under the covers.  Extremely blah about everything.

And even when I did get out of the house, I was extremely tired.  Didn't perk up until Roma actually showed up, we were going to do a quick coffee and then I was going to pick up the stuff I had left there on Thursday night.

Which actually ended up with a trip to Chanel, and Roma almost buying a two grand handbag, almost almost.  She was hella tempted.  Then a bit of a deep and meaningful while we were walking around town, about how I had assessed what the whole Wednesday self harm depression spike meant.  And she was so freaking supportive, still.  I've been afraid, in my own head over the last few days, that all my mess is all too much effort for her, and she didn't give that impression at all when we were actually talking.  The we will get through this together impression that I got.

Which is fucking awesome.

Blah, emotions lol.

Then a quick skim through Pigeonhole, for the second time this weekend, after a similar expedition with Jacksonville on Saturday.  Roma asked whether I had seen any nice rockabilly stuff (for me) lately, as I had said a couple of weeks ago, I think I could do rockabilly, as my femme side.  Then off to Infusion for coffee, and Bras and Things, where another mate, Lexington, had gotten me a gift voucher for my birthday.

And the way Roma's eyes lit up when she suggested getting me properly fitted, and the rest of the BnT expedition, is always gratifying to see that level of enthusiasm from her when it comes to me.  So yes, a practical bra and a pretty one, a Playboy set, slate grey, nice design.  And the staff in store were fantastic, will definitely go back there again for even just the service.  Roma in the change room, helping me in and out of the bras, with that enthusiastic glint in her eyes.  Just fantastic.

With the corset I got yesterday, and the bras and everything, it's going to be fantastic when I put the entire ensemble together.  Which should be for a party in two weekend's time, with Roma doing the make up and prettying up and being my wingperson.

SQUEE.

And even after the Bra n Things expedition, went past Knoxville's store and kept her company for the close and then headed over to their place and relaxed and then dinner and then more relaxing.  I absolutely love how the last couple of Sunday quick visits to Roma's place have ended up lasting five or six hours apiece.

Cheered me up no end, after the blah of this morning.  

This Is Going To Be Difficult To Write

Warning, adult themes

And here we are again.  The self loathing, the self hatred and all.  Not right this minute or anything, earlier in the week, the Wednesday meltdown, but I may have gotten a handle on it.  Maybe.

I'm that scared, depressed, self harming, suicidal seventeen year old again.  It's back to Gotterdammerung.  Well, not quite, I wasn't about to top myself, just the self harm blah blah at this stage.  But it was scary enough that I got to that point.  I haven't gotten to that point in the last four years.

Which, for those of you who have been keeping score, was before I found my submissive, masochistic side.  Was thinking about it the last couple of days, because all the fun, painful stuff I have done the last three years has not brought out any of the depression stuff, to the extent it got to this week.  Sure, there's guilt, shame, remorse and other wonderful endorphins, but not to how I was on Wednesday.  I think I may have sorted out a possible reason though.

All the previous play I have done, my endorphins, reactions and subsequent subdrops have been focussed on the pain of the actual play itself.  Last week, I let my emotions out as well.  The past three years of going nowhere with Casablanca.  The realising it is over with her, for all intents and purposes.  The whole lonely blah blah blah.  I don't exactly know where the anxiety earlier in the week came from still, but the above may be the reason I dropped through the floor emotionally in all other aspects.

Poor Roma.  I didn't mean to fall apart around my best friend as spectacularly as I did, nor did I intend to be selfish, as I felt when I realised I was asking to put the responsibility to put me back together again on her, and solely her.  Blah.

Anyways, Roma and I had a lovely Thursday evening, dinner, ballet, and general chatting.  The way she dealt with me near my worst, thank you is all I can say.  I'm a lot calmer now and have been taking stock of the roller coaster of the week.

The second major discovery I made, this morning, as I was researching what may have been going on is that self loathing and self hatred doesn't go away, doesn't dissolve under all the positive reinforcement.  All the past twenty years of me being great at my job, me being great with people and making friends left right and centre, all the me saying I'm awesome.  Apparently, according to stuff I read on the internet, that doesn't make the negativity go away, it just sugar coats it.  The negativity will stay, until it finds its own way out.  Usually by crying apparently.

Self loathing twists everything in your mind to do its best to become a self fulfilling prophecy.  It's a defence mechanism to stop the positive side of a person just erase it, and hence the self sabotage comes into play.  Hey, you've been happy for several months without a cloud on the horizon, let's just fuck that up for you, shall we?  Is how it feels.

Blah.  But getting an understanding of what may or may not be going on is the best possible thing at the moment.  Rather than blindly thrashing around.  The above is as good an explanation as any other.

Oh.  And one important thing to keep in mind, that I read from one of the websites, is that, when you are down on yourself and depressed and the rest, treat yourself as you would treat your friends.  Considering how wonderfully I treat my friends, with care, love, respect and the rest, it's rather the contrast to how many doubts and demons and the rest I shackle myself with.

Must make that my first commandment perhaps.  The treat myself as I treat my friends thing...

Sunshine, Puppy Dogs and Lollipops

Oh yay, I have successfully disguised things with that title.  For the moment at least.

Hmm, whether to get the positive stuff up first, or later.  We will do it first.

Had a fantastic twenty four hours with Jacksonville.  Watched Cabaret last night - perhaps my second favourite musical after Chicago - and today went corset shopping.  Got an underbust eight and a half inches under my actual waist measurement, and it didn't feel all that awful.  Jacksonville, who was with me to give advice, said I had at least a couple of inches of give still to go, the girl was being cautious with how she was tying me up.  And I also picked up a coat with tails.  Jacksonville said I had smug face going on.  Hey, it was just the come down after being tied up properly for the first time in a LONG time.

Then we caught up on shopping on her side of things.  Birthday present for one of her kids, some new bras and sleepwear for herself, I picked her up a nice dress as a baby shower type present, and dinner and coffee and dessert and all sorts of conversation.  My closest friends have interesting back stories - Jacksonville was such a bitch at high school apparently, and then all the boy stories started coming out.  I've never seen her as relaxed as she was today.  Well, at least not the last few months.  Was lovely to see.

And now, one of my favourite guilty pleasure movies of the 90s is on.  Bad Boys.  Awesome.

I'm going to have to do the negative stuff in another post, I can't ruin Will Smith and Liza Minelli and Banana Split and New Corset Feeling with the other stuff. 

I Am The Talking Dog Off Up

So, am visiting and talking to Jacksonville, and she has just discovered one of my inner truths. Or, at least, she's probably known it for a while now, but has just verbalised it.

I get distracted very easily, and, probably worse, I seek out distractions. Or as I like to call them, projects.

Squirrel!

The dieting. The job search. The moving into the central city, when I'm already in the inner suburbs. And now, am thinking of doing the perfect dating site profile, because it nay be about time to get back into those particular trenches.

So yes, good advice to tone down the class clown, self deprecating side of me. Wondering when or how to mention the dress up femme side of me.

And then Jacksonville pipes up and says I don't need to get partnered up or go dating. I'm awesome enough as it is, that I've got a good job, a nice apartment, a fantastic set of close friends, and have a varied array of hobbies and preoccupations already. I don't need to go chasing after rainbows to complete me.

Or should that be chasing after waterfalls?

See, I can't stop cracking jokes unless I really really concentrate on it. Lol.

She's supposed to have pregnant brain  dammit. It's been forever since we have had a deep and meaningful, and she cuts to the heart of what is going on.

Before I know it myself. Dammit.

She thinks I'm amazing just the way I am. Which works.

The other ideas and concepts under advisement.

In Case Of Emergency, Smash Glass

I hit one of my emergency buttons last night.  I got Roma to order me not to do something stupid, which I was very much tempted to do.  Which I haven't been tempted to do in hmm, at least five or six years.

I've been uber anxious the last few days, and I am hardly ever anxious in the first place, and nothing much in my life has changed in the last few days anyways.  I think too much.  Or something.

Stupid vulnerabilities, overwhelming.  The most hurtful and worrying thing about the emotions the last few days is where on earth has all the self loathing come from?  Because that is the most self destructive emotion I have, through long and bitter experience of battling it in the past.  And the fact that the other recent emotions I can kinda sorta figure out without too much effort, but the self loathing has come from fucking deep space it seems.  Ah well, onwards and upwards.

Binary Choices

Yes or no

Left or right

Fall or balance

Self or others

Brave or stupid

Haiku Catch Up

So yes, I have neglected these haiku, and restaurants in general, for the last few weeks.  Have hardly been anywhere new.  Hopefully will rectify that soon, especially looking forward to next week's Wednesday selection.  French cuisine degustion, but onto the last few -

Thailicious, Northbridge

Cheap food, good value

Meal perfectly seasoned

Service friendly, quick

Newport Hotel, Fremantle

Tiki bar lovely

Music, Pulp Fiction soundtrack

The vibe, fantastic

Portarosa Cafe, Fremantle

Veal with spag bol

Hit the food spot perfectly

Freo, lots of choice

Moore & Moore Cafe, Fremantle

Great eggs benedict

Rhubarb tart also tasty

Definite return

What Might Have Been

I visited Casablanca last night.  The friend whom I have codenamed, rather than the Moroccan city itself, for anyone who has come here direct from a search engine.

For those of you who know me, or Casablanca, or have an idea of what our dynamic is like, I can see your disapproving frowns from here lol.  Emotionally, I have moved on, but she is still someone very important to me, and I do still need her in my life, visits and the like.  For the time being.  And I never thought I would write out loud that phrase about her, 'for the time being'.

I fell so fucking hard for her.  And I look back now and think, what the fuck.  And it hurts.  And it makes me gun shy for the next time it happens.  But eh, that's relationships all over, just because they don't work out all Hollywood or sitcom like, doesn't mean we can melt down for months and forget about the rest of our lives, work, friends and the rest of it.

As an example of this, see the fucking stress the job search of the last month put me through.  I could have taken the easy option and just flaked completely out and only do a half assed thing of job applications, and waited until the last minute of the last job before I started searching.  But wow, look, I've matured, I put the big boy pants on (when I had to), and got on with it.

My 1994 self, coming through to now all Back To The Future like, is agog at how forthright, direct, and confident I am with myself nowadays.  Buddy, it's going to take a lot of trauma, not going to lie hahaha.  Hell, my 2011 self is doing the same, which brings me back to the subject in hand.

Casablanca.  I have grown, matured and changed so much in the last three years.  And she hasn't.  Looking around the shattered debris of her life, in the house I lived with her for a year (yeah, that was a barrel of laughs), and seeing how nothing much has changed, I felt extremely sorry for her.  Not quite pity, but in the same ballpark.  It made me doubt for a split second the decision I have made to move on.

As I can see EVERYONE I know look daggers at me for that last sentence.

I'm not going back, I'm not.  I'm not protesting too much.  She is NEVER going to offer me a full on, equal relationship, and if that isn't in the works, then FUCK NO.  Let alone the emotional desert she put me through.

Now that we have that sorted.

I want to help her, I want to save her from herself.  But I came to Perth wanting to do that, and got rebuffed at every turn.  She has flat out denied for the last two years that a relationship was offered when I decided to come over FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COUNTRY not knowing anyone, leaving my job and family behind and all the rest.  Just for my own mental health or something was it?

Geez, getting some emotion out here, aren't we.  Casablanca obviously is still a hot button issue with me, fuck it.

No, it's not going to happen.  But, the collapse that has been on the cards for the last eighteen months finally appears to be happening.  She said last night she's not sure whether she needs a boyfriend or a live in carer.  Nothing has changed, yet everything has changed.  The kids she has are ninety percent either with her ex-husband or at the grandparents, they are never home anymore.  She has always been popular with the guys, but she has shredded most of the relationships she has had in Perth, and, to be honest, it's not the largest dating pool in the first place.

She is talking to guys in Melbourne and Sydney now, yeah that will go well.  When she said she wasn't expecting anyone to turn up on the doorstep, I replied saying that was probably a very bad idea, seeing as how I landed on her doorstep all those years ago.  She seemed to think that was a good thing that had happened.  I bit my tongue before I said, no honey, really it wasn't.  I could have done without the drama, the trauma, the fuckupedness (if that is a word) that I have gone through via this experience.

The pity is, I can still see the spark that attracted me.  She is so intelligent and the rest when she needs or wants to be.  She has no idea of how to relate it to the real world at all, or real people, apart from if they can improve her sex life (ouch!  but so very true), and she has huge blind spots when it's not interesting.  As I relate from Dungeons and Dragons, sky high intelligence, below average wisdom. And even that hurts, admitting flaws in her.  Though it shouldn't, because it's the damned truth lol.

From what I saw last night, she has finally crashed and burned, has put up the barricades and is a shell of her former self.  Is heart breaking to see.  Though it was always just a matter of time, and I am not going back to try and fix a relationship that, to be honest, was never there to begin with.  Compassion, care, love, concern, it was never there, to the levels that I needed it.

You can try as hard as you can, turn yourself inside out to try and attain a goal, and you may not get it even with all that effort.  That is the Casablanca lesson for me.

And henceforth, turning myself inside out will be considered too much effort.  If it isn't going to happen naturally, then it probably isn't going to happen being forced.  And with that line, I am resisting, by the skin of my teeth, a really really really bad double entendre.

So, between the scorched earth desolation of Casablanca, the subdrop from Wednesday's beating, the new job nerves, and avoiding and ignoring the whatever it is with Roma, it's been a weekend that has made my head hurt.  And it wasn't supposed to be like this.  I got the job situation sorted, and everything was going to settle down.  This weekend has been more confusing than it was rostered to be.

I need to start painting again.  All this negative creativity is always great for art lol.

And the Subdrop Begins

Too many endorphins, leaking out, just waiting for any old excuse to self sabotage.

I've just spent five minutes swearing at my computer because tumblr appears to be screwing up.  I couldn't post anything, and it came up a pure white blank speech bubble without any edit options.

After hitting the help button, and seeing what the screen should have looked like, I realised, after the five minutes of swearing at the laptop, that the system on this one is a really really old XP, after my real laptop blew up, this is a kinda sorta really really old spare one.  Probably older than tumblr itself.  And therefore the sparkly new buttons on the website probably don't work properly in the first place on this operating system.

Kinda embarrassed at myself for that rather emotional reaction.  I'll start my new tumblr on the mobile site, I think.  Hurrah for subdrop.

Combined with the (somewhat) familiar realisation of being on the precipice of the rabbit hole.  That familiar feeling of how the fuck did I get here?  Again?  And the visceral binary reaction of whether to fall in or to back off.  Blah.

Subdrop is never a good time to write anything down, as I have learned through extensive experience.  It's like drunk dialing, but when you are sober.  You can see what you are writing, but you have no idea how to stop yourself.  It's usually a good time just to cut contact from EVERYONE for several days.

Of course, the person I used to turn to when I was in these emotional binds, Casablanca, didn't help by throwing my emotions in my face and making it my problem, or comparison shopping with what was crap in her life.  Eh, enough on that topic for the moment as well.

Hmm, there was something else I was going to write from last night, but I can't recall it at the moment.  Hmm.  As I just realise I have got a fairly busy few days of socialising, just when I should be backing off otherwise I will bite people's heads off.  Well, almost everyone's head off.  I should go off and find the nuclear bunker lol.

Oh, yeah, that's right, I was googling how to interpret my fucked up nightmares lately.  Wednesday night's one overarching concept was strangulation.  That apparently means that I am either consciously or unconciously keeping myself from attaining my own dreams due to fear, which can manifest as extreme caution.

So, does that mean I should throw my caution to the wind?

Aargh, not the type of stuff to ponder while I am dropping lol.

Avoidance Is The New Black

Warning - adult themes

I am totally totally wiped.  But in an awesome way.  And I don't know how to even start writing about it.

Okay, so I am a masochist.  I have been stressed out quite a lot the last month, primarily related to the job search.  Roma is my best friend, and, as part of the friendship, tops me from time to time, as a bit of practice for herself, and a bit of stress relief for me.  Sometimes I sub out, sometimes we dissolve into fits of giggles, it's all fun, and in a very unique way it strengthens our friendship.

So yes, we have been holding off until I sorted out the job front for the next lot of topping and stress relief.  Plenty of opportunity for fun on other fronts with me dressing up, dinners, culture and the rest.

Vampire gloves.  They're a thing.

Along with a lovely heavy leather flogger, and a new collar to replace one that an ex gave a bajillion years ago, and a dose of my femme persona going out in public in Northbridge.  With me sweating bullets every six inch platform step of the way, with Roma supporting and protecting like the rock she is.

So yes, later on, handcuffed to the staircase, being flogged and beaten and the like, and both of us knew that I would fall apart, that I have been under so much blah lately that my pent up emotions were going to overflow.  But what neither of us were expecting was that Roma would go from being a service top to going totally into a Dom headspace and basically having to slow herself the fuck down before she tore me to (consensual) shreds.

The vampire gloves.  Spikes piercing my skin when she was spanking me.  Blood.  Her deciding to spank harder.  And her oh my god realisation of how awesome it was, for her.  Once I was over my meltdown and release of the pent up emotions I had going on - and believe me, that was a fuckload of mess, sobbing like I haven't in hmm, several years I think - once that was over, seeing the look of 'what the fuck just happened' in her eyes, was kind of amazing.

Yep, the vampire gloves are going to happen again.  But at the same time, we will revert to rule number one of our 'interesting dynamic' - if we ignore it long enough, it will go away.  Hence the title of today's blog entry.  Avoidance, hell yeah.  Emotions, blah.

But the friendship - I have never had anyone this supportive, loving and caring of me, other than my parents, in my life.  Never.  And I sure as hell know that I give just as much positivity back to her.  It's amazing.

I'm absolutely terrified of fucking it up.  Though deep down I know I - we - won't.  We have shared too much of ourselves to each other already to be scared off by much of anything now.  So yes, quite happy to avoid and ignore whatever is on that particular list, Boss.  Wait, what list?  Lol.

I doubt very much it was part of my subdrop, that usually takes two or three days to work through the system, but I had this insanely weird dream last night a few hours after what happened.  Was snapchatting back and forth with Roma (in the dream), before I found myself in a McDonald's in New Zealand, having a fish mcmuffin.  Which, by the way, is an awful idea for food lol.  My father came to live with me, and then I flaked out, while realising I was dreaming.  And I couldn't wake up, at all.  And then my father morphed into one of the Stephen King horror characters, like It or Needful Things or something, and started strangling me.  And I just couldn't wake up.  Until I forced myself to, one of those huge intakes of breath coming out of the deep sleep, at 4am in the morning.  I had to text Roma about it, you know, just to share the trauma lol.

She had told me to text her if I needed to, after the vampire gloves and flogger session.

I've been having a string of really realistic, really fucked up nightmares lately.  Is kind of a concern.  Have no idea where it is coming from, apart from perhaps the stress.

And I had a thought of why I dress up.  And if it is anywhere near the mark, it is a damned depressing reason.  Boys are shit.  Dress up could therefore be a way of disassociating myself from my own gender as much as possible.  Roma asked if there was anyone else I talked to about it, and I said it was just her basically.  I mean, Johannesburg and Jacksonville and Richmond also get it a bit, but not to the extend that Roma does, I don't allow myself the vulnerability or the weakness I show to her around anyone else, even my other three besties.  Dammit.

I've just brought the drawbridges up pretty much to anyone apart from my top dozen contacts.  It's kinda stupid, it's kinda counter productive, but it's also a bit of self protection and not spreading myself too thin.

Geez, look at how far I have ranged in tonight's blog, and not even the latest update of restaurant haikus.  How about the local sports team, and those results that said sports team have attained.  Lovely or miserable weather we are having, am I right?

Avoiding like a mother fucker.  Yeah, we got this.  Lol.

Music Choices of the Week

I'm Coming Home - P Diddy

Run This Town - Jay Z

Without Me - Eminem

Those are the songs that are going through my head as I go through training at work.  Picking up where I left off in Brisbane.  I definitely feel I made the right choice coming back to the telco I was with for seven years over there, with the kindasorta promotion that has occurred to the large corporate customers.

And even better, on the first day I was there, got told that it is majority electronic work, emails rather than phone calls.  As much as I love talking to people, customers, friends, after the last decade of doing so, I am feeling a bit of burn out.  Hence the attempts to angle into administration when I was job searching.

Interesting that all the songs in my head about the return are rap.  I didn't think I was all that much into that genre.  Must think of appropriate rock songs perhaps.  Come As You Are, All Apologies?  King of Wishful Thinking?  Where did that last one come from, in my brain I mean?  Lol.

Being three minute walk away from Roma's apartment is going to be all sorts of dangerous.  In the delicious variety of danger, I mean.  Beyond just the types of lunches we will do lol.  There will be some stress relief tonight, to book end the trauma of the job search.

Someone in her life (Roma, I mean) tried to cause trouble on Monday, emailing her entire family all sorts of rumours via Facebook.  Roma was feeling fragile, in that attack dog way she does, and weirdly enough, my protective streak came out, for the first time ever with her.  That protective streak hasn't been out for a while, and it surprised me greatly.  But I guess, it shouldn't have, with the interesting dynamic Roma and I have.

Blah, self analysis, blah, feelings.  Before I get too much further into that, work calls.  Hahaha, early morning blogging, this may have to be a thing, before I get too in depth on topics :)

What Masochism Means To Me

Warning - adult themes

Was talking to one of my non-kink mates yesterday, and, as sometimes happens, that area of my life was being discussed.  It's not an every time I catch up with Aberdeen thing, but the subject crops up from time to time.  And I explained masochism so well that I wanted to remember it to write it down.

It's the vulnerability, it's the inner truth about it all.

When you are getting whacked to breaking point, and if you are in the right headspace - in other words, not dissolving into giggles or doing a comedy routine with the pain, both of which are quite enjoyable in other circumstances.  If you are in the right headspace, and you are crying and a mess and all the rest, it is truth, it is a moment, it is a connection.

Ninety nine point nine percent of 21st Century First World life is fake.  Simple as that.  In the real world we are all hiding our fears, insecurities, putting our best face forward almost all the time.  We have enough to eat, enough to drink, enough disposable income and time to need this thing called entertainment, with business trying to sell us stuff we don't actually need.

Masochism and pain cuts through all that.  Even if it is just at a service level, rather than an actual emotional connection, it cuts through all the real world white noise.  And if you are lucky enough to have an emotional connection beyond just friendship or topping with the person hurting you, it is a bajillion times better.

To be broken down, to fall apart, and then, if lucky, to be put back together again.  It's pretty amazing.  And usually lasts longer than sex lol.  And even with sex, there's a lot of white noise that goes on with that, the worrying about performance, the is the connection working right and all of that (at least in my, albeit limited experience lol), with pain and masochism, you run yourself ragged, raw.  Until the only thing that counts is the binary, the yes keep going or the no stop.

As my mind drifts to stuff that has happened in the past, and I catch myself craving it again.  Fuck, that wasn't supposed to happen, this was supposed to be objective and neutral lol.

Ah well, a good sleep will sort me out.  And then the NEW JOB in the morning.  Squee.

Is funny, with everything that has been going on in my personal life and the arguments that have been going on in the 'community' lately, I haven't missed kink all that much.  Aargh, overthinking.  Time to switch the brain off for the moment.

Two Job Offers, Wowzers

Dear [insert name here]

Thank you for the letter of offer for the Customer Service Officer role in Perth.  Unfortunately I have to advise that I will not be able to take up this opportunity, as I have also been offered, and intend to accept, a role with [insert telco name here].

Both offers came through within a few hours of each other on Friday afternoon, and I have spent the time since weighing up the pros and cons of each.  It has been a hard decision to make, as I know I have the drive to excel at [insert bank name here], and the role offered is a perfect fit to my skills and abilities, but I do have to decline.

I am sure the next candidate on your list is perfectly capable of taking on the position when offered.  I truly appreciate the time and effort you and your colleagues have put into my application, and I wish you all the best with the rest of the recruitment process.

Kind regards

And that's how you write one of these type of letters, which I have NEVER had to do before.  Wowzers indeed.

Mission Accomplished

So, the 2014 job hunt is over.  I'm going with the telco, who I interviewed with today, and knocked their damned socks off.  During the thing the interviewer said, have you been ultra coached in what to say, this sounds so much like a script, which kind of hurt my feelings because that's not how I roll nowadays - as my current employer would be able to confirm, I fucking hate scripts - but she was just having difficulty putting what she was meaning into words.  When the job agency got back to me, they said that I had apparently done the perfect interview.  That's what the interviewer was trying to say during the actual thing.

It gave me an inordinate amount of satisfaction to actually type a resignation email, as the telco wants me starting on Monday, which was a full week before my current employer contract ended.  All the bile and bitterness and hurt that I have been hiding away, well, not quite come to the foreground, but I didn't have to shove it to the deepest part of me.  I mean, in time I will get over it, but the fact that my current boss is the one that kicked me to the kerb while at the same time I have to rely on her to give me a great reference, it was an interesting balancing act.

The bank still hasn't gotten back to me, which is a shame.  But, the telco job is dealing with government and large corporate customers (this being Perth, think of the big miners basically), the bank job would be an every person, every type of issue kind of role, and to be honest, I am sick of being a generalist.  I think it is about time to specialise a bit.  Much as I would love to get into banking, and much as I think I will actually get offered the position, and much as I actually think I would thrive in it, I'm going with the telco.

And not just because it is three minutes walk to Roma's apartment.  Fringe benefit indeed, though.  Lol.

So, three weeks, forty two applications, ten interviews.  Done and dusted.  Onto planning the rest of the year.  Melbourne, with Roma.  Moving into the central city with Joburg.  Dress ups and shenanigans.  Going out for dinners, though perhaps more cooking as well.  Yoga.  Art.

And lunch with Roma, and dinner with Johannesburg.  Fucking great start to the New Era.

Though in reality, this is the same employer I had in Brisbane, which I only left because I was moving to Perth, and couldn't do an internal transfer.  Maybe we can call the last two jobs on my resume since coming West, Career Interruptus?  The fact that it is with the large corporates though was the icing on the cake that sealed the deal.

Also, the fact that the interviewer was a team leader for another section but was already trying to poach me, during the actual damned interview, was a good sign.  

Normal Service Resumes

As far as Wednesdays with Roma go, the normal service resuming.  She was out of town last week, and I didn't know what to do with myself, other than, you know, have two meltdowns lol.  But a bit of unwinding, from both our sides, this evening, with takeaway Italian from one of our fave spots.

And then just collapsing onto the couch with a bit of exhaustion.  And showing her my Brisbane facebook photos, where I was trying to be alpha sporty bogan boy.  Cos that was always going to work lol.

She is my rock.  Roma that is.  Dammit, how on earth did THAT happen?  Asking the question while I'm grinning widely.

Onto the work seach side of things, the banking place that I interviewed with yesterday has already checked both my references, and gave them a good grilling by the sounds.  To check references the day after the interview, that's a good sign, surely?  And telco interview tomorrow.  Whom I have worked with for seven years in the past.  Is kinda the back up option, to be honest, and is a great location in the city, comparitively speaking.  And two other interviews on Friday and Tuesday lined up thus far.

But banking would be ace to break into.

Too, Too Busy

Have been almost too busy to even think lately, let alone write many (any) blog entries.  Between the job applications, and the job interviews, and slogging through current job, aka counting down the days there, and my social life being on almost skeleton crew the last couple of weeks.  It's been exhausting.

And three of the four besties were out of town for extended periods of time, but the last few days I have caught up with Jacksonville, Johannesburg and hmm, I don't think I have nicknamed the third one - Richmond, I think we will give her.  And will catch up with Roma tomorrow night.

And once I get a job sorted into the months ahead, I will be able to unwind somewhat.  Have had two strong bites, from the telco and banking industies.  Had a nibble from travel, but that was a thanks but no thanks in the end.  I don't think I had the sales killer instinct that they wanted.  Ah well, their loss.

And I'm struggling with sleep lately.  Casablanca gave me sleeping pills even.  They have worked more so than nothing, as in I was struggling to get to sleep in the first place.  Too much stress.

More tomorrow, hopefully.  Blogging, I mean, not stress.

Overwhlemed

I had a bit of a meltdown this morning.  I could feel the tendrils of depression reaching out to capture me, and I didn't particularly like it.  I was fretting about how I will be paying the rent, and paying my bills, and the rest.  And I went to hospital today, as I had been referred to check a hazy patch on my retina, that my optometrist thought may be a tear.

Was not happy.

I guess I'm still not happy even now, though the specialist gave me the all clear to any retinal damage.  He freaking quadruple checked though, took about twenty to thirty minutes with bright lights and poking and prodding in my eye, not fun.

And the diet is out the window, all I want to eat is comfort food at the moment.  And lots of it.  Blah.

All the guilt.

On the positive side of things, another job interview.  And should be a strong candidate, as it is an agency job at the place I worked for seven years while in Brisbane.  A large telco, is all I will say at this point.  And apparently it is even at the same customer level that I used to do, but mobiles instead of landlines.

Along with the phone interview tomorrow afternoon for the travel industry, could be a good day tomorrow.  Could be.  Still need to decide whether I'm in the mood to go to work or not.

And had a lovely disagreement via text with Casablanca, about her take on my employment woes.  Blah again.

Watching Troy at the moment.  Hadn't actually seen it before.  It's not as horrid as I had heard it was.  Eric Bana is a great actor.  Brad Pitt is a bit meh in this one though.  And it's like a Greek Game of Thrones lol, there's Ned Stark and he's not dead hahaha.  And what the hell were the Greeks doing camping on the actual beaches, you would think they would have set up inland, where, you know, all the farms and wood and water and horse feed they needed for their supply lines would be.

But then again, this movie seems to have condensed the entire Trojan War into Spring Break.

Still not as bad as I thought it was though.

And the fact that I can bitch about a movie indicates how First World Problem the rest of my issues are.  Though just because they aren't life threatening, doesn't mean they don't have the ability to overwhelm.

Ah, I don't know what I'm trying to say.

Time for sleep.

Tuesday

Yeah, as you may tell by the title today, I'm not the most inspired today.

Some haiku to start us off -

Rosie O'Grady's, Northbridge

Tasty shepherd's pie

Was better than expected

Large serves, good value

Queens Tavern, Highgate

Relaxed Sunday sesh

Music choice was pretty great

Nice and chilled upstairs

Enrique's School for Bullfighting, Highgate

Great staff, vibe, decor

The beef ribs were to die for

Pricey but worth it

And still the birthday ones come in.  Which reminds me, Joburg still owes me one.  Haiku, that is.

To my dear friend [name]

A soul whose warmth can transform

The coldest winter

Hmm.  Bit flat at the moment.  Which is interesting, because I had two interviews today, have another one on Thursday and have a medical appointment tomorrow.  Yep, too flat to go into any great detail.  Maybe tomorrow.

An Upswing Of Sorts

14 working days to go at current spot.

24 job applications submitted.

1 agency registered for.

3 more interviews this week.

1 rejection email.

1 position that has delayed shortlisting until June.

3 of my closest friends out of town.

*purses lips*

Does Not Compute

Warning - contains adult themes

I am so tempted to ditch Fetlife.  The local community disagreed heatedly on acceptable behaviour at munches.  Where the line should be drawn with regards to sexual harrassment, basically.  Were young vulnerable women being harrassed?  Was it just idle gossip inflicting grievous harm on an older guy's reputation?  Were the drama llamas just fueling the flames?

Whatever the above, a journal entry entitled 'Shame on the Perth Community' was unlikely to ease emotions.  And then, personal battles that had nothing to do with the original issue got hauled into the mix and it was fucking world war three for a while there.  I've given up on the munches for the time being.  Maybe in another couple of months or so, perhaps maybe perhaps.

And then the last week or so have just been constant flame wars about The Friend Zone.  Which is a perfectly valid topic, in my opinion, and of the five or six threads I have read about it in the past week, none of them quite hit the mark of how I feel about the topic.

There have been a lot of strong opinions from the extremes of the issue - all men are out to get sex, all women are heartless bitches who string nice guys along, nice guys need more personality to get girls, how soon do you need to register a sexual attraction, why would someone write such a strong opinion piece if they didn't want or expect to be taken down a peg or two.  It's just a lot of bullshit.  Which, to be honest, is a stronger phrase for me to use in writing than fuck lol.

If you don't agree with a person, don't comment on their thread.  Or, comment once, realise you aren't going to convert them to your point of view, and then move on.  Don't continually go back and forth for hours tearing shreds out of each other in the comments.

Am truly, truly sick of it.  And the only good part of Kinky and Popular used to be the writing, the photos and videos are usually very generic.  Now the writings are filled with he said, she said.

I was going to write something along these lines on Fet itself, but I couldn't even think where to start that wouldn't add fuel to the fire.

Fucking drama llamas.

Exhausting

Interesting week.

I finally got my head in the game of the job search thing.  Have sent off twenty applications, average of two a day since the Thursday before Easter.  I have three weeks to go at current place, and if I don't get anything in the next couple of weeks, I will be more carpet bombing in my approach, two a day at the moment is targeting fairly precisely, at least I think.  I've honed some good paragraphs for the cover letters I'm putting through, or at least, I think they are good cover letters.

So far have had three responses.  Government department role isn't shortlisting until June.  A thanks but not quite from an employment agency.  Am waiting to hear back more feedback about that, to see how to strengthen the resume and cover letter.

And got a not enough experience in the oil and gas sector, but we want you in to register with us, from an agency.  So I got an interview of sorts, and went over to see them Thursday afternoon.  Not exactly sure how it went, taking out the filling out paperwork side of things, I was in and out in fifteen minutes.  All the usual questions (for temping), what do you like in the workplace, what industries, what suburbs would you work in, what's your expected pay rate, what sort of notice period do you need for assignments, how long would you want the assignments to be blah blah blah.  I think I did okay, but I may have been a bit negative about the current place.  All true however, but the wording hmm.  Entry level, basic level of service expected, going above and beyond frowned on, taking initiative frowned on.  The girl interviewing said what did you like about the place then, that made me stop and rethink.

Ah well, you hardly get a job from the very first interview of any search.  And I can adjust my phrasing on things, massage it better.  I was extremely tired on Thursday anyways, so I wasn't really in an interview headspace anyways, but it's for temping, as long as I can breathe and talk and use a computer, I should be fine for the basic assignments.  And not putting all the eggs in that particular basket anyways.

Another interesting thing about job searching is how it makes you re-evaluate the overall vibe of things.  A couple of questions in the application job sites included what are your three main strengths, and what is your greatest achievement.  For a law firm and travel company, respectively.

Three main strengths are adaptability, confidence and determination.  Greatest (non work) achievement is discovering my self confidence, and conquering, or at least controlling, my fears.  With the latter, I was wondering whether it would be too movie of the week inspirational sickly, but then I thought, hey, they asked, it's the thing that comes to me first and foremost, and if I had to figure out my second greatest achievement, then I wouldn't be answering the question honestly.

A law firm and a travel agency, I'm not highly confident in either of those fields for an interview, so why not be honest and passionate in the answers to their questions.

Dating and job searches are very similar, in my opinion.  Hell, even making friends could be considered the same ball park.  In all those situations, you are trying to put your best, most positive face forward, you are hiding away the negative or boring or neutral, and you try to massage those less than stellar points.  As I have discovered the last couple of years, I basically have had enough of bending over backwards to try and please everyone.  I know my strong points, I know how to concentrate on them, and if I don't get a relationship or a friendship or a job from being true to myself and getting rid of all the little white lies I have told myself over the years, or avoiding conflict, or avoiding actually figuring out that the other person isn't really all that compatible with me.

If a person or workplace won't accept me for me, then fuck them.  That's right, fuck them all the way to That Way Out Of My Life.

Casablanca, of course, being a completely unique case on that front.

Caught up with some of my other besties this week, and probably ate far too much pizza.  I think I mentioned that I made dinner for Roma and Knoxville, which was the first actual meal I have prepared for others in about eighteen months.  I'm a good cook when I put my mind to it.

But anyways, not sure whether I mentioned that on the application paperwork for the temping agency, I put Roma down as next of kin, or emergency contact or whatever you call it nowadays.  I mean, yes, my parents and family are still alive, but they are over the other side of the country.  Saying it like that, funny, because Roma is out East for the next week and a half as well.  But yeah, she is closer in distance most of the time as opposed to my mother.

But yeah, I asked whether she would be okay with being my emergency contact, and she said sure, of course.  And I was expecting some sort of back and forth about it, but just the automatic acceptance, kinda sorta floored me.  Though of course I tried to be cool about it hahahaha.  But yeah, I also kind of note it, because for the past three years, Casablanca has been my emergency contact.  But, now she's not.

And I don't really know what to think about that.

Anzac 2014

Watching the ceremony from Anzac Cove at the moment.

It's weird, it always leaves me in tears.  I'm not a militarist, I'm not big on the legends of bravery, I sure as hell don't wish I had been there during the battles, and I somewhat agree with the idea that we should be remembering all of World War One, not just Gallipoli.  I wonder what the Turks must think of it all.  As for the hymns and prayer readings, I have never been a big one for churches, other than as tourist attractions.  And as for the ceremonies on this side of the world, they don't affect me much at all.  To be brutally honest.

But Anzac Cove, even on television, even half a world away, I end up in tears.  And always think that I won't when I start watching it.  It's just the seriousness, the solemnity, when there is so little of substance in the rest of the twenty first century.  At least, in the First World.  Or something along those lines.

I was there you know.  As a visitor, not a veteran lol.  1998.  And I frikkin slept in for the Dawn Service.  One of the most disappointing moments of my life, even looking back on it now.  I got to the ceremonies at Lone Pine and Chunuk Bair later that day, and I got to Anzac Cove on the 26th, but still.

I guess I've just never been a morning person lol.

A Hit, A Most Palpable Hit

So yes, got a bite from my job applications.  Not actually for the job I was going for, but my resume is strong enough for a recruitment agency to take a punt on me and call me in for an interview.  Somewhat less of a panic than I was a few hours ago, though my current workplace is wanting me to take annual leave for the interview rather than personal.  Fuck that for a joke, if I get other interviews over the next few weeks, do I just take sick leave or something?

The job market in this country is fucked.  Pure and simple.  Though at least we aren't Greece or Spain I guess, with double or triple the unemployment of here.  But I must not panic, I have close friends that care heaps for me and will support me if there is an extended time away from the office.  We will get through this.

I cooked for Roma and Knoxville tonight.  Rather than spending the money on an evening out.  Pan baked chicken and roast veges, once I figured out the electric elements lol.  Apparently it worked out awesome, and it was the first time I have cooked in about eighteen months.  Was very pleased with myself, and then just a quiet couple of hours on the couch with Roma.  Was simply delightful.

She's out of town for the next couple of weeks.  I'm screwing my face up at the thought.  But, I can't monopolize her time constantly.  Especially when it's work related.  And getting out of town will do her the world of good.  And on her day off I've told her to go visit the local art gallery, Over There.  And to send me pictures :)

Art, besties, food, quiet quality time.  It's been a great night.

Vital Stats

Working days to go on current contract (including public holidays): 18

New jobs applied for: 10

Callbacks about new job applications: 0

Days since I have been to a restaurant: 6

Episodes behind on Game of Thrones: 1

Negativity

I had a spell today of several hours where I could barely lift myself out of bed to do anything.  And then the only reason I did get out and about was to have KFC.  No, that wasn't necessarily a good thing, all that uber greasy fried chicken.  Ugh.

I'm not particularly watching my diet at the moment, I'm not thinking of yoga, even over the last couple of days of socialising, I haven't really wanted to be out, strangely enough.

Perhaps it was just a drop from the up of Thursday night, dressing up and all those weird endorphins that go on in my head, but perhaps it isn't.  I know that until I sort out the uncertainty with the job situation, that I am going to have good days and bad days.  And today was not a good day.

It's funny, I tend to think my life is under control at the moment, apart from the job situation.  But, when I take a step back and have a look at it overall, a lot of it is, and has always seemingly been, in flux.  The job, the money situation, the moving apartments idea, the lack of relationship.  Yeah, I was just feeling uber lonely this morning.

Doesn't help that it seems the crazy people I know in my life, who are addicted to short term relationships, never seem to have trouble finding someone to fuck.  And away from the sexual sphere, just, I don't know, a relationship kind of caring is different to friendship caring.

Life just isn't fair when I do my best, do my best, and I think I am pretty spectacular when I put on my top game, and then other people just don't seem to care - about relationships, or work, or friends, or finances - and just seem to get everything handed to them anyways.

Yes, the above paragraph was about Casablanca, particularly.  I am getting to the stage where I look back on things and I wonder how the fuck I ever fell for her.  She has been so corrosive, so damaging to me, and yet I still fucking love and care for her.  And she doesn't even fucking notice, or value what I have tried to do for her.  It seems that even my C grade acquaintances who we both grit our teeth in talking to each other have given me more care and respect than Casablanca ever has.

It's just been so frustrating.  In almost every sense.  As I consider bursting into tears right about now.

Fuck, I hate figuring out what is bothering me lol.

Adieu.

Positivity

The recent haiku...

Uncle Billy's Chinese Restaurant, Northbridge

Cheap, cheerful, Chinese

Always packed, is a good sign

Almost too much choice

Duende, Leederville

Damned close to perfect.

Of a dip in quality,

I'm always fearful.

And a late birthday one...

Flirtatious, cheeky

Fabulously unique friend

First ever bestie

Roma said the other day that her house was my house.  My heart melted at that.  For all of about five seconds before I attempted to put the walls up again lol.  Damned feelings, damned walls, damned interpersonal connections.  Kidding.  Kinda.  Sorta.

And I wrote about the most perfect cover letter I have ever written for a private sector job yesterday.  After that one, I was done for the day, because the only way from there would have been down.  Up to six so far, need another four today is my goal.

Hmm.  Arsenal won, which makes me happy.

Have caught up with various friends over the long weekend who I hadn't seen in ages.  That was nice.

What else is positive that has happened lately.  Hmm, I'll think further on that...

2014 Job Search, Week One

Blah, job searching.  I can think of a million better things to do with my time, hence I always seem to be procrastinating about it lol.  Even now, with this blog entry, but this should at least be short and sweet.

So, I put eight hours into my first job app, two hours on Monday, two on Tuesday and four or so on Wednesday.  State government sector, a jump of two levels and twenty thousand dollars annual pay from what I am on now.  Think I put it together pretty well considering how short a timeframe between seeing it and the application date was.  And thinking up good phrases about my work history and all, that quickly, it's a good base for additional applications in the future.

Then to read the front page of local paper on Wednesday that the state government sector is going to be on a hiring freeze because of some hole in the budget or something.  Didn't say whether it will affect current jobs being advertised, but the way the West Australian state government is with its decision making, not much would surprise me.  Felt like another kick to the stomach when I read it, especially with how much effort I was putting into the application I was getting together, but another way to look at it, is maybe karma is telling me it's time for the private sector again.

Or, depending on the hours and pay, I could even potentially go part time.  Perhaps.  Part time nowadays is anything under 35 hours, basically.

So, eight hours on the state government one, and two hours yesterday on two private sector admin jobs.  Putting much more effort into my cover letters than I have done previously.  All about the confidence I have gained the last year or so in myself.

Although, being honest, my self deprecation and fears and all the rest, at least in the job market, are only one or two scratches away from the surface.  And, not that I am going to go all woe is me, but I am pissed off about one or two things about my Perth career to this point.  I have one of the best work ethics I know, and yet I am being bounced from one contract position to another.  One of my best friends - I'm not mentioning who, just at the moment - has a horrid work ethic, has never really got to work on time, and yet has a permanent full time job that it will require a crowbar to get her out of.  And I continually get told by her I should be applying for jobs that are ten to twenty thousand better paid.  I would potentially be doing so, if I wasn't being let go from these ones that only pay what I'm on.

Frustrating, how I work and work and work at things and never seem to get anywhere, and some people just cruise through, without any effort, and get what I feel I deserve much more easily.  I'm sorry, were we talking relationships or the job market LOL.  Both, perhaps?

I remember a phrase I used last time I was searching for jobs.  Soul destroying.  I got asked was it that dramatic and depressing, and yes, yes I think it can be.

If any of you have seen the Lego Movie, it is damned hard work being the Uni-Kitty.  To think of rainbows and love and friendship when cold hard reality refuses to go away.

I'll end it there before I get even more maudlin lol.  More soon though, after a couple of job letters perhaps.