And the Subdrop Begins

Too many endorphins, leaking out, just waiting for any old excuse to self sabotage.

I've just spent five minutes swearing at my computer because tumblr appears to be screwing up.  I couldn't post anything, and it came up a pure white blank speech bubble without any edit options.

After hitting the help button, and seeing what the screen should have looked like, I realised, after the five minutes of swearing at the laptop, that the system on this one is a really really old XP, after my real laptop blew up, this is a kinda sorta really really old spare one.  Probably older than tumblr itself.  And therefore the sparkly new buttons on the website probably don't work properly in the first place on this operating system.

Kinda embarrassed at myself for that rather emotional reaction.  I'll start my new tumblr on the mobile site, I think.  Hurrah for subdrop.

Combined with the (somewhat) familiar realisation of being on the precipice of the rabbit hole.  That familiar feeling of how the fuck did I get here?  Again?  And the visceral binary reaction of whether to fall in or to back off.  Blah.

Subdrop is never a good time to write anything down, as I have learned through extensive experience.  It's like drunk dialing, but when you are sober.  You can see what you are writing, but you have no idea how to stop yourself.  It's usually a good time just to cut contact from EVERYONE for several days.

Of course, the person I used to turn to when I was in these emotional binds, Casablanca, didn't help by throwing my emotions in my face and making it my problem, or comparison shopping with what was crap in her life.  Eh, enough on that topic for the moment as well.

Hmm, there was something else I was going to write from last night, but I can't recall it at the moment.  Hmm.  As I just realise I have got a fairly busy few days of socialising, just when I should be backing off otherwise I will bite people's heads off.  Well, almost everyone's head off.  I should go off and find the nuclear bunker lol.

Oh, yeah, that's right, I was googling how to interpret my fucked up nightmares lately.  Wednesday night's one overarching concept was strangulation.  That apparently means that I am either consciously or unconciously keeping myself from attaining my own dreams due to fear, which can manifest as extreme caution.

So, does that mean I should throw my caution to the wind?

Aargh, not the type of stuff to ponder while I am dropping lol.