Negativity

I had a spell today of several hours where I could barely lift myself out of bed to do anything.  And then the only reason I did get out and about was to have KFC.  No, that wasn't necessarily a good thing, all that uber greasy fried chicken.  Ugh.

I'm not particularly watching my diet at the moment, I'm not thinking of yoga, even over the last couple of days of socialising, I haven't really wanted to be out, strangely enough.

Perhaps it was just a drop from the up of Thursday night, dressing up and all those weird endorphins that go on in my head, but perhaps it isn't.  I know that until I sort out the uncertainty with the job situation, that I am going to have good days and bad days.  And today was not a good day.

It's funny, I tend to think my life is under control at the moment, apart from the job situation.  But, when I take a step back and have a look at it overall, a lot of it is, and has always seemingly been, in flux.  The job, the money situation, the moving apartments idea, the lack of relationship.  Yeah, I was just feeling uber lonely this morning.

Doesn't help that it seems the crazy people I know in my life, who are addicted to short term relationships, never seem to have trouble finding someone to fuck.  And away from the sexual sphere, just, I don't know, a relationship kind of caring is different to friendship caring.

Life just isn't fair when I do my best, do my best, and I think I am pretty spectacular when I put on my top game, and then other people just don't seem to care - about relationships, or work, or friends, or finances - and just seem to get everything handed to them anyways.

Yes, the above paragraph was about Casablanca, particularly.  I am getting to the stage where I look back on things and I wonder how the fuck I ever fell for her.  She has been so corrosive, so damaging to me, and yet I still fucking love and care for her.  And she doesn't even fucking notice, or value what I have tried to do for her.  It seems that even my C grade acquaintances who we both grit our teeth in talking to each other have given me more care and respect than Casablanca ever has.

It's just been so frustrating.  In almost every sense.  As I consider bursting into tears right about now.

Fuck, I hate figuring out what is bothering me lol.

Adieu.