Scattered Thoughts

I'm just feeling a bit lost in myself at the moment.  I'm looking back on the last few weeks and realising how close to the edge I have been.

I do believe I had a nervous breakdown.  Or was as close to one as I have been in decades.  Overwhelmed with emotion.  The first time I had actually started to let go of all the hurt and bile and pain of the Casablanca Experiment, as I realised the relationship portion of that all is finally over.  And there's still plenty more hurt and pain on that front to let go of, and I am terrified of how that will go.

And the fact that I emotionally collapsed in front of Roma, who is going through her own stuff at the moment - the dynamic is a delicate enough balance as it is, and for me to just fall apart hmm.  Is embarrassing the right word?  Mortified?  Scared?  Yeah, something along those lines.  Deep breath, it will all sort itself out in the wash.  It always does.

Despite the last paragraph, had a great weekend.  Spent most of it with Jacksonville, with Roma helping with an outfit and make up on Saturday evening for a party I was going to.  A couple of set piece group situations, and I am still finding my feet in large groups again.  Not sure why I am veering away from those at the moment, and it is related to the whole lost feeling from the first sentence today.

I leave work, and even when I do have plans (or, as today, coming home for a clean the house night, long overdue lol), I don't know what to do or where to go or whatever.  Hence my thinking this is the calm after the storm of last month.

Am I making any sort of sense here>?  I'm kinda sorta doubting it, to be honest.