What Masochism Means To Me

Warning - adult themes

Was talking to one of my non-kink mates yesterday, and, as sometimes happens, that area of my life was being discussed.  It's not an every time I catch up with Aberdeen thing, but the subject crops up from time to time.  And I explained masochism so well that I wanted to remember it to write it down.

It's the vulnerability, it's the inner truth about it all.

When you are getting whacked to breaking point, and if you are in the right headspace - in other words, not dissolving into giggles or doing a comedy routine with the pain, both of which are quite enjoyable in other circumstances.  If you are in the right headspace, and you are crying and a mess and all the rest, it is truth, it is a moment, it is a connection.

Ninety nine point nine percent of 21st Century First World life is fake.  Simple as that.  In the real world we are all hiding our fears, insecurities, putting our best face forward almost all the time.  We have enough to eat, enough to drink, enough disposable income and time to need this thing called entertainment, with business trying to sell us stuff we don't actually need.

Masochism and pain cuts through all that.  Even if it is just at a service level, rather than an actual emotional connection, it cuts through all the real world white noise.  And if you are lucky enough to have an emotional connection beyond just friendship or topping with the person hurting you, it is a bajillion times better.

To be broken down, to fall apart, and then, if lucky, to be put back together again.  It's pretty amazing.  And usually lasts longer than sex lol.  And even with sex, there's a lot of white noise that goes on with that, the worrying about performance, the is the connection working right and all of that (at least in my, albeit limited experience lol), with pain and masochism, you run yourself ragged, raw.  Until the only thing that counts is the binary, the yes keep going or the no stop.

As my mind drifts to stuff that has happened in the past, and I catch myself craving it again.  Fuck, that wasn't supposed to happen, this was supposed to be objective and neutral lol.

Ah well, a good sleep will sort me out.  And then the NEW JOB in the morning.  Squee.

Is funny, with everything that has been going on in my personal life and the arguments that have been going on in the 'community' lately, I haven't missed kink all that much.  Aargh, overthinking.  Time to switch the brain off for the moment.