The mornings are the worst. Whether it is because the Lexapro dosage is at its minimum, or the after effects of the insomnia, or the waking up alone day after day, year after year, or the fact that it's too early to call anyone, the mornings are the worst.
The anxiety has ramped down a bit. But it's been replaced with the self loathing, the self hatred, the who could ever love or even like me thinking. Which, as awful as it sounds, is familiar and somewhat comfortable. In the sense that I know how to handle this thinking, that I've battled that side of me many many times before. The fact that I'm at the point of accepting meds and therapy usually means I'm on an upward swing. Even if I can't for the life of me feel it at the moment.
At work, I'm almost a robot at the moment. Which works for me.
After work, I have found myself stopping in the middle of the footpath, unsure, uncertain of what on earth I am going to do next. Looking around me, from one direction to the next, almost hoping for some kind of inspiration, some reason, especially to avoid just curling up on the couch or bed at home, sleeping/wasting my life away. Yes, I'm one of those people lol. Indecisiveness, always a bad sign with me.
And I feel that blaming the depression or the medication for me being this way is a cop out. I'm just as much me as when I'm happy. Or something.
And other friends have real problems. And I'm in self loathing, self pity mode. I suck.
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