Warning - adult themes
I am totally totally wiped. But in an awesome way. And I don't know how to even start writing about it.
Okay, so I am a masochist. I have been stressed out quite a lot the last month, primarily related to the job search. Roma is my best friend, and, as part of the friendship, tops me from time to time, as a bit of practice for herself, and a bit of stress relief for me. Sometimes I sub out, sometimes we dissolve into fits of giggles, it's all fun, and in a very unique way it strengthens our friendship.
So yes, we have been holding off until I sorted out the job front for the next lot of topping and stress relief. Plenty of opportunity for fun on other fronts with me dressing up, dinners, culture and the rest.
Vampire gloves. They're a thing.
Along with a lovely heavy leather flogger, and a new collar to replace one that an ex gave a bajillion years ago, and a dose of my femme persona going out in public in Northbridge. With me sweating bullets every six inch platform step of the way, with Roma supporting and protecting like the rock she is.
So yes, later on, handcuffed to the staircase, being flogged and beaten and the like, and both of us knew that I would fall apart, that I have been under so much blah lately that my pent up emotions were going to overflow. But what neither of us were expecting was that Roma would go from being a service top to going totally into a Dom headspace and basically having to slow herself the fuck down before she tore me to (consensual) shreds.
The vampire gloves. Spikes piercing my skin when she was spanking me. Blood. Her deciding to spank harder. And her oh my god realisation of how awesome it was, for her. Once I was over my meltdown and release of the pent up emotions I had going on - and believe me, that was a fuckload of mess, sobbing like I haven't in hmm, several years I think - once that was over, seeing the look of 'what the fuck just happened' in her eyes, was kind of amazing.
Yep, the vampire gloves are going to happen again. But at the same time, we will revert to rule number one of our 'interesting dynamic' - if we ignore it long enough, it will go away. Hence the title of today's blog entry. Avoidance, hell yeah. Emotions, blah.
But the friendship - I have never had anyone this supportive, loving and caring of me, other than my parents, in my life. Never. And I sure as hell know that I give just as much positivity back to her. It's amazing.
I'm absolutely terrified of fucking it up. Though deep down I know I - we - won't. We have shared too much of ourselves to each other already to be scared off by much of anything now. So yes, quite happy to avoid and ignore whatever is on that particular list, Boss. Wait, what list? Lol.
I doubt very much it was part of my subdrop, that usually takes two or three days to work through the system, but I had this insanely weird dream last night a few hours after what happened. Was snapchatting back and forth with Roma (in the dream), before I found myself in a McDonald's in New Zealand, having a fish mcmuffin. Which, by the way, is an awful idea for food lol. My father came to live with me, and then I flaked out, while realising I was dreaming. And I couldn't wake up, at all. And then my father morphed into one of the Stephen King horror characters, like It or Needful Things or something, and started strangling me. And I just couldn't wake up. Until I forced myself to, one of those huge intakes of breath coming out of the deep sleep, at 4am in the morning. I had to text Roma about it, you know, just to share the trauma lol.
She had told me to text her if I needed to, after the vampire gloves and flogger session.
I've been having a string of really realistic, really fucked up nightmares lately. Is kind of a concern. Have no idea where it is coming from, apart from perhaps the stress.
And I had a thought of why I dress up. And if it is anywhere near the mark, it is a damned depressing reason. Boys are shit. Dress up could therefore be a way of disassociating myself from my own gender as much as possible. Roma asked if there was anyone else I talked to about it, and I said it was just her basically. I mean, Johannesburg and Jacksonville and Richmond also get it a bit, but not to the extend that Roma does, I don't allow myself the vulnerability or the weakness I show to her around anyone else, even my other three besties. Dammit.
I've just brought the drawbridges up pretty much to anyone apart from my top dozen contacts. It's kinda stupid, it's kinda counter productive, but it's also a bit of self protection and not spreading myself too thin.
Geez, look at how far I have ranged in tonight's blog, and not even the latest update of restaurant haikus. How about the local sports team, and those results that said sports team have attained. Lovely or miserable weather we are having, am I right?
Avoiding like a mother fucker. Yeah, we got this. Lol.
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