Warning, adult themes
And here we are again. The self loathing, the self hatred and all. Not right this minute or anything, earlier in the week, the Wednesday meltdown, but I may have gotten a handle on it. Maybe.
I'm that scared, depressed, self harming, suicidal seventeen year old again. It's back to Gotterdammerung. Well, not quite, I wasn't about to top myself, just the self harm blah blah at this stage. But it was scary enough that I got to that point. I haven't gotten to that point in the last four years.
Which, for those of you who have been keeping score, was before I found my submissive, masochistic side. Was thinking about it the last couple of days, because all the fun, painful stuff I have done the last three years has not brought out any of the depression stuff, to the extent it got to this week. Sure, there's guilt, shame, remorse and other wonderful endorphins, but not to how I was on Wednesday. I think I may have sorted out a possible reason though.
All the previous play I have done, my endorphins, reactions and subsequent subdrops have been focussed on the pain of the actual play itself. Last week, I let my emotions out as well. The past three years of going nowhere with Casablanca. The realising it is over with her, for all intents and purposes. The whole lonely blah blah blah. I don't exactly know where the anxiety earlier in the week came from still, but the above may be the reason I dropped through the floor emotionally in all other aspects.
Poor Roma. I didn't mean to fall apart around my best friend as spectacularly as I did, nor did I intend to be selfish, as I felt when I realised I was asking to put the responsibility to put me back together again on her, and solely her. Blah.
Anyways, Roma and I had a lovely Thursday evening, dinner, ballet, and general chatting. The way she dealt with me near my worst, thank you is all I can say. I'm a lot calmer now and have been taking stock of the roller coaster of the week.
The second major discovery I made, this morning, as I was researching what may have been going on is that self loathing and self hatred doesn't go away, doesn't dissolve under all the positive reinforcement. All the past twenty years of me being great at my job, me being great with people and making friends left right and centre, all the me saying I'm awesome. Apparently, according to stuff I read on the internet, that doesn't make the negativity go away, it just sugar coats it. The negativity will stay, until it finds its own way out. Usually by crying apparently.
Self loathing twists everything in your mind to do its best to become a self fulfilling prophecy. It's a defence mechanism to stop the positive side of a person just erase it, and hence the self sabotage comes into play. Hey, you've been happy for several months without a cloud on the horizon, let's just fuck that up for you, shall we? Is how it feels.
Blah. But getting an understanding of what may or may not be going on is the best possible thing at the moment. Rather than blindly thrashing around. The above is as good an explanation as any other.
Oh. And one important thing to keep in mind, that I read from one of the websites, is that, when you are down on yourself and depressed and the rest, treat yourself as you would treat your friends. Considering how wonderfully I treat my friends, with care, love, respect and the rest, it's rather the contrast to how many doubts and demons and the rest I shackle myself with.
Must make that my first commandment perhaps. The treat myself as I treat my friends thing...
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