Surrendering

'Dying is easy, it's living that scares me to death, ooh, yeah'

I am doing my best to swallow my fears, to trust that Mistress knows best, to submit to her wishes without complaint.  This last week or so, even though I say I am hers, I have realised how far I have to go to totally submit to her.  I have been hearing her reassurances that things will be okay, that she loves me, that she wants me there, but for the last week or so, they haven't been getting through to the brain, past my gut reaction fears.

Yesterday, after the big blow up (relatively speaking, Mistress and I never blow up to the extent of a heated discussion) on Friday, I didn't quite surrender to my fears, but I surrendered to Mistress, more than I have done so up to this point.  I have no idea where this is exactly going, but as she needs me, and she needs the strength I have, I need to stop being weak.  All about calming exercises, which I have been using a lot the last twenty four hours.

I actually thought about whether to continue this blog, as it is a mood diary, and if my mood is going to be zen, then why would I write about that for at least three weeks.  Also a feeling that I can't show my fears to her.  But then I thought, well, I can express my fears, especially if they are new, but then do my best to get rid of them, and not stick on the issues, as I did a lot the last week.

For instance, Mistress wrote about Sir last night that they were in '24/7 O/p bliss'.  Now, apart from the fact that I would love to be in bliss myself, I saw that and burst into tears.  What on earth can I add - yes, that word again - to something that already is bliss?  Oh, and another thing - all this time, to this point, I have thought of myself as Mistress' partner, a secondary for sure, but a partner nonetheless.  Not a boyfriend, certainly not after Friday's discussion - I am a sub, sure, but am I also a pet or a toy?  Or, as I have been so often in the past, 'just friends'?

I mean, I will be fine with that, to be whatever Mistress needs me to be, but it is just turning my thinking of the last three months completely upside down.

I have to express my fears here, otherwise when I do talk to Mistress, I just explode with emotion, and she has no prior warning as to where those thoughts come from.  Consider this blog the early warning system haha - in the event of nuclear attack indeed.

But, now that I have expressed those fears, I can do the calming exercises, to trust, to submit to Mistress, and get on with my day.  That is the theory at least.

'Don't you know everything's alright, yes everything's fine'