Dark Side of the Moon

Mistress said I was very brave this morning - after last night's meltdown, at the start of today I admitted to being terrified of almost everything to do with over There.  The usual confident facade had collapsed.  Being as vulnerable as I am to her, being as uncertain about Sir as I am.

She wrote this midway through my morning - 

"We like YOU.  We like having you around.  We think you'll be happy over here and want to see that happen.  I want to be able to talk to you every day without timezones getting in the way.  I want the little everyday pleasures of you smiling at me from the kitchen table while I cook dinner." 

And then this evening, as I was leaving work, I was on the phone with her and said I wanted to just get home and fall apart.  Mistress said "I don't want you to".  And suddenly I was no longer falling apart, for the forseeable future.  I wish I could just take the Order she would love to give of not having meltdowns, but it is just a natural reaction to an inordinate amount of stress for me, and as much as I would love to, I can't just switch it on or off like a tap.

In another email today, she said she could list the reasons she likes, respects, cares for and loves me, but she didn't think that was important at the moment.  I replied that I would take all the reassurance I could get right at the moment.  And she said that if it were practical to rearrange timings, that I would be more than welcome to get There earlier if I could.  Yes, I have been struggling that much today.

So yes, Mistress Mistress Mistress.  Compared to whom, in my experience, Sir is the metaphorical Dark Side of the Moon.  You know it is there, but you have no idea what is there, which is how I feel about his thoughts and intentions towards me.  Which then leads to the non-fun nervousness.  Which, after a reasonably quick analysis this afternoon, may have been what has sent me off kilter especially the last couple of weeks.  Since there are minimal lines of communication between the two of us, when Mistress fell off a cliff, mood wise and depression and all that, my gut instinct is to rush in and save her.  Since Sir hasn't advised his expectations of me, nor built ANY sort of framework for how this will work in actuality, I get confused and frustrated about - well, boundaries isn't quite the best word, but confused and all the rest about how involved to get, emotionally I mean, when there are crises going on.  Or to take five steps backwards and give them space.  Or whatever.  Even just trying to write it down, to verbalise whatever concept I am trying to get out, is hella frustrating as well.

Mistress admitted that Sir has enjoyed messing with my head about this, and I admitted back that I knew that was probably what was happening.  But she will have a discussion with him to perhaps start laying out actual written guidelines for whatever type of framework may work for us.  Because between the 200% level of communication with Mistress, and the lack of it with Sir, it just feels, weird.  Uneven, off balance.

Random thought of the evening - I wonder whereabouts in the house over There my leash is at the moment...