Mistress

She is depressed.

Apparently I was able to pick it a week or more before she got diagnosed by her shrink.  But because I have been giving both her and Sir space the last however long it has been, I didn't actually verbalise it to either of them.  Which she said is not to happen again.  To tell her, or, she actually Ordered me to tell Sir when I feel something is wrong next time.

I don't have my marching orders.  Unless you count the long standing orders to get my butt over There.  She needs me, she wants me there.  Whatever the convoluted twists and turns we have gone through to get to this point, there is the simple math, as it were.

I was a puddle of tears for half the conversation last night though, for reasons I can't quite put my finger on right this minute - it was just before I went to sleep and all.  I dunno, just a sense of vulnerability, of nakedness (no, not THAT type of nakedness) when Mistress turns her thoughts to me.  And feeling a tad pathetic for doubting things.  I admitted to her, out loud, which I don't think I had done before, that I have never been this much in love before, and that I would do anything, ANYTHING for her.  It sounded even scarier out loud than it did when it was only bouncing around my head.  But, she puts immense value in what I am to her.

I needed the reassurance, after my blow up yesterday, that she still loves me, that she is still proud of me, which she was only too willing to reconfirm.  I realised yesterday that, since bumping into her, I have found both a strength of character, and also a protective streak a mile wide, that I never even knew were inside me.  And, is strange, being the submissive or property or whatever I am, that I feel so protective towards Mistress.  I have never felt protective towards my exes or anyone in the same way before.

And as for the suddenfound strength of character, another friend, who I accused of believing that I was wimpy, said no, I am just soft and gentle, with a core of steel.  In the past, there have been precious few things I would stand up and die in the ditch over - have always been malleable, perhaps overly so, even in relationships.  Since meeting Mistress, and I mean even before we met physically, she has helped me discover my strength.  Basically right at the time I need to be strong for her.  Which is an interesting coincidence.

Mistress said I was the most loving, caring, gentle person she had ever met.  Which made me burst into tears and made my heart swell immensely.  And she needs me.  I am her best friend, her submissive, her rock, and the loving bond we have is mindblowingly amazing.  Though, as I admitted to her, it can be a bit of a nightmare balancing all those roles sometimes.

And, even if she never admits it out loud to anyone, she is my Owner, and I am her property.  As the enormity of typing that seeps into me, and I break into a grin a mile wide and my eyes fog up with tears at the same time.

I said to her, that despite me melting down and blowing up and all the rest of it, there is never the chance that I will say, well I'm not coming There.  She said that if I ever even THOUGHT of saying that, she would hire a Dom over here to whack some sense into me.  And then she said, don't smile about it.  Mmm, whackies - I had broken straight through smiling about the thought, straight to a mini bliss out.  Especially if it was the mutual friend we have an hour north of me Here.  And then I admitted that god, I want to be hit again.  Mistress said she would sort me out on that front when I get there, and that she would push me, and that she was afraid of breaking me, but if she did break me, she would put me together again.  Just writing that down, and remembering the feelings when she said it, here come the foggy tears again.  I am so so so looking forward to getting There.

Are the readership clear on that point yet?  hahahaha

And then I took her on that impossible thought, the Ghost of Christmas Past and Future, if she had never met me, if I had never met her.  Which is a game I play in my own head from time to time, and I would just be marking time, passing time, bored out of my brains Here.  She said, in her case, if she hadn't bumped into me, she would have melted down a lot lot sooner than she did.

And then, this is me extrapolating rather than what she actually said, she would only have half the support network she currently has.  The essential support network, as it were.  And Sir apparently only picked up that she was tired, rather than depressed.

As I break out into a grin again, about her pushing my boundaries.  And of her being my Owner.  And generally of what she means to me.