Evolution

If you had told me a year ago, say 30 July 2010, that a year from then I would be blithely talking about having kinky bisexual sex with a couple I hardly really know, with pictures in the mix, I would have said OMG wow, living the dream.  And here we are.  And even more important than kinky bi sex, my depression has ramped down to quite manageable levels.  And I am in love, with my best friend.

What a difference six months makes.  My parents keep saying that when my father met Mistress all the way back in January, they didn't know how important she was to me.  I keep replying that at that time I didn't know how important she was to me either.  Even when she and Sir collared me for my first kink party, I merely thought she was a mate, showing me around, getting me used to whatever.  And of course, the fact that she didn't see this coming at that stage as well, it has been an interesting roller coaster ride.

We are almost at the pay off point though.  Even though There will be the start of a new beginning and all, I will be glad to get rid of the baggage on my shoulders, heavy as chainmail, of all this waiting around, preparing myself as much as possible from this end.  It has been really really stressful and difficult at times, and I am not just meaning the obvious difficulties, such as the meltdowns.  It has been ongoing and - to an extent - uncertain, and definitely uncharted territory for me, and we all know how much uncertainty does my head in.

But really, I picked evolution as a topic tonight, because it has been a constantly evolving dynamic since I got back from There last time around.  At that stage, I thought I had two Doms who were, in a sense, co-sharing me.  I tried for a while to please the both of them at the same times, but the further I got into it, the more I have realised instead of a triangle configuration, we are more a straight line with three points on it - a heirachy, a chain of command.  Of course, realising this waited until I had almost completely turned myself inside out trying to be all things to all people.  Mistress is my boss, my Dom and all the rest of it, Sir is like the manager in the office who you meet with maybe once every six months or so, whereas Mistress is the day to day team leader.

If that makes sense at all.

So yes, my expectations of what There is going to be like are fairly substantially changed to what I was expecting three months ago.  Which isn't a bad thing at all, it simplifies and streamlines things a lot, and for some reason I find it so easy to keep Mistress happy and entertained and giggling a lot of the time.  One thing I have said to my friends and family over Here is that over There will require a lot of hard work to sort out.  Most of the people I say that to look quizzically at me, and really, when I realise what I have been saying, I am just trying to overcomplicate things myself.

Maybe as a defence mechanism or something - it was all too hard anyways, I told myself so, so if it does turn to custard, then it meets my (public) expectations.  Because when you boil everything down, it is quite a simple, though unusual, situation.  Girl loves two boys.  Both boys love girl.  Both boys know of one another, and can cope/accept with the other around.  It does get a bit complicated beyond that, but yeah, that is the crux of what is going on.

So if all three of us know the concept, and can accept it, and work and compromise to live and, dare I say, enjoy that setting, why am I saying it is going to be a lot of hard work?  It is a defence mechanism I am sure of it, and now am  just waiting for when Mistress reads this for her to tell me to stop it.  But I have been doing it for months without realising until NOW right this minute, what it was.  God knows what other defence mechanisms I have out there, both out in the open and hidden.  Eek!

Despite the doubts and difficulties of the past few months, Mistress said in conversation earlier today that of all the things going on in her life, she has ALWAYS been confident about me.  Dare I extrapolate that and stake the claim to be her rock?  A constant around which everything else seems to swirl?  Well, it is a nice thought, so please don't burst the bubble for a while yet.

Perhaps not until after the Tuesday Mischief lol.  Which Mistress had some words to me about as well in the conversation earlier.  She said the intent was to have fun, not to test my boundaries into or beyond the 'red zone'.  Especially not my pain slut and masochistic tendencies - there are plenty of other, not so dangerous things on the bucket list that I can try, so we will steer towards those perhaps.  Mistress has spent long enough waiting around for me to arrive on her doorstep full time, not to have me falling apart, a mess, because I took a fun playdate too seriously.

To act as a bottom, rather than a sub.  And that was an order.  Question is, how does a bottom play?  Maybe I will have to research it.  Or maybe I will get further detailed instructions on Monday?

Magical Mystery Tour

'Roll up, roll up for the mystery tour...'

So yes, I have somehow scored another four day weekend.  Cleaning up the flat for a final time tomorrow, dropping the keys back into the estate agents.  Sunday will be the Leaving Lunch and Sunday Session with the friends - however many of them do decide to turn up.  Monday, I haven't decided what I am doing yet.  And Tuesday, of course, is the play date.  Which is going to be the most magical mystery day of them all lol.  Who knows how far my boundaries will be - erm - stretched that particular day.  If it gets especially so, I will just think of how Mistress may react to the photos hehehe.  And that will give me the additional endorphins I need to get through the pain.

However, I must realise where my breaking point is, BEFORE I hit it.  Add a sadist to a submissive who can't say no, and you get the almost train wreck that Rural Over There was last time.  The only reason I stopped the play was that I wanted Mistress and Sir to have a blank piece of canvas to play with if they wanted to.  Otherwise I very likely would have been scarred on all sides of my body, not just my back...  I mean, I love my mate in Rural Over There - as a mate - but if we were ever partners, she would kill me without even trying hahaha.

I will allow myself to say no, if I need to.  And believe it or not, after a brunch, lunch, three sex shops and a dinner, I do trust this couple from a sexual play standpoint.  To the extent of letting them go nuts with me with crops, floggers and paddles, let alone the other toys.  And Mistress does trust my judgement as to what to allow to happen with me, so I can't let her down doing STUPID stuff.

Rang Mistress this morning, as I often do, and she answered with a croaky voice.  I thought she was coming down with another cold, until Sir piped up in the background to say to tell me how he had made her voice that way.  Later in the day, she did tell me what had happened - yes, it was a bit of sexual play - and the funny thing was, the first conscious thought I had was not how that would feel on me, but rather, how good a photo series that would be, of Sir and Mistress doing their mischief.  She said 'we will see' on the camera in the bedroom front.

Which isn't a flat out no.  Hehehe.

Countdown

Yes, so it is to the stage of counting days until I fly There, and counting hours of how long to go at work.  Which is nice.  The motivation to put anything more of myself into my job, on top of what I already have done the past seven years, meh.  Not quite to the point of not doing any work at all, but I feel I am about to crack down to that level any day now.  And I have about three times as much sick leave as I have hours left to work.  I really mistimed that aspect of things, didn't I?

Oh, I remember what I was going to mention this morning - one of my mates last night was saying if it was her, she would be sending her resume all over the place over There from this point on.  I guess I have been a bit slack with that, but I was analysing the situation a bit, and talked to Mistress about it today.  The reason I am not applying for jobs is that I am 'this close' to feeling overwhelmed.  I mean seriously, with how I was two or three weeks ago, stressing about the relationship, stressing about moving, stressing about Sir, the thing is, I could send off twenty job applications a day right now.  But because I am trying to de-stress as much as I can, I am avoiding putting pressure on myself, avoiding overthinking, which, to be brutally honest, a good job application requires.  It requires a lot of thought, a lot of planning.  When all I am hoping to do is to get my butt over There in one piece.

Hopefully the above didn't sound too negative.  I just have a thousand thoughts swirling around my head at the moment, and when I get There, I will be able to focus on jobs for a good portion of the day.  I won't have all the Here stuff to think about, aside from keeping my friends on this side of the country updated with semi regular facebook updates perhaps.

Today, I think I spent more brain power planning the leaving functions with friends and workmates, more so than I used brain cells on work.  I mean, I did a good amount of work, it was just the concentration levels were on other things.  And I can just see my concentration levels flatlining on the work side of things even more so in the days and weeks ahead lol.  What a shame.

One of my friends, who knows the Mistress and I dynamic, is having relationship issues.  She is getting regular sex and all, but she isn't sure whether the guy actually thinks of her as anything more than a fuckbuddy.  I was feeling maudlin at the particular moment we were having this conversation, and I think I said something along the lines of yes, I'm never quite sure where Mistress and I are either.  Friend begged to disagree with my assessment.  Mistress reciprocates my love for her, and is quite open about that fact.  Or so friend seems to have observed.

And I went away from the conversation thinking, yes, Mistress does reciprocate my love for her.  Very strongly.  She may not write it in ten foot letters across the world wide web, but for those who need to know, they do know.  Or is that overthinking on my part again?

Everything is going to be alright.  Mistress wants and needs me.  She will get me.  Very very shortly.

In Between Time

So, with the major part of The Move done - it will basically only be clothes that I am taking over There - it feels a bit of a flat spot at the moment.  Not mood wise, just activity wise, he says as he has just been out two nights in a row with mates LOL.  But, compared with the huge upheavals that have been occurring the last couple of months, two nights out with mates is pretty small beer.

Mistress mentioned me to her shrink yesterday.  Who seemed concerned about what Sir's reaction to me had been, and may very well will be if Mistress and I ever have 'Teh Sex'.  Mistress reassured her that there was a well defined heirachy in place, and that I was in love and subby and all, and I guess wouldn't want to rock the boat all that much.  And we will be able to sort it out over There much more than we can currently.

Got an email from the obliging couple for next Tuesday's shenanigans.  Who basically said that I was helping them out as well, what with the fact that they had a once in a relationship chance to try out some things without having to trawl the internet or clubs or whatever to find a potential third, as she said, trying to find a unicorn and finding they are all just painted ponies LOL.  Nice turn of phrase that.  Should be a fun day, lots of laughs, lots of great memories.  Even with me wanting the whole kidnapping and consensual non consent stuff hahaha.

Oh, and at work, one of my friends who is never shockable or anything, I got a reaction of 'that was too much information' from him.  Which is a huge huge turnaround from when we first met, seven years ago.  I am totally out of my shell at the moment, very liberated and all that, and moving to There is just part of it.  Why didn't I find 'Teh Scene' years ago, I wonder.  Of course, if I had, I very well would have missed out on meeting and falling for Mistress, so I guess there was a point to me not unwinding any earlier to the extent I have now.

Umm.  More to write I think, but out of time.  Have to do the longggggg commute from Woop Woop Land.  I'll write more tonight. 

Adjustments Part One

Part One, due to the fact that this is only step one of the process to get There.  Once I get There there will be a whole lot more adjustment going on.  But for now, it is getting used to being around my parents again.  It was strange, and not in a good way, not to be wearing the collar overnight.  And then my mother this morning asking me what I wanted for breakfast, while watching morning TV - I am much more a morning radio person.

And the whole thing of commuting AN HOUR to get to work.  And then AN HOUR to commute back.  And keeping an eye on the time when I was out tonight with my mates to make sure that I didn't get home too late.  It is only for a few days though, and then, goodness knows what will happen when I get to Mistress and Sir hahahaha.

So yes, caught up with a couple of mates tonight, and for some reason I let slip that for next week's kinky bi sex extravanganza, the female of the couple would prefer me to be waxed, sack and crack is the term she used.  I asked the mate I was out with tonight, female one, how much her waxing costs, because for some reason, she tells me that she goes and gets it done.  Which piqued her interest in a guy getting it done, and she wants to book me in and take me there and be in the next room to hear my screams when it happens.  Mistress told me that it only hurts for the second that it happens, but mate this evening told me that it remains red for a while.  And of course, when Mistress told me what she told me, it didn't click for me to investigate further on HOW she knew this information.  Though, Pervy McPerv part of my personality has been retired for a while.  Believe it or not lol.

So mate tonight basically wants me to go get waxed tomorrow, primarily so that her ex slash fuckbuddy who comes to visit over the weekend can have a bit of first hand male experience to fall back on when she tries to convince him to get done.  Or at least that was the gist of the conversation I think lol.

Not much else to report tonight - work was braindead today.  And I have a feeling it will be braindead for the rest of the time I am there.  Not long to go now...

Upheavals

I have a headache, and I am tired, but I need to post.  It was quite the busy four day weekend, and I was tired a lot of it, so that is why I didn't write anything the past couple of days.  Plus there has been a lot going on, while at the same time it has seemed as though there isn't.

But, I have a bit to write, so let's get into it.  I guess the main thing about the weekend was that I was trying to get enthusiastic for packing and moving and everything, it didn't happen, and thus I felt guilty and a bit headless chicken and therefore if I had blogged, then I would have been distracting myself more than I needed to in the first place and would have felt more guilty about the lack of enthusiasm for packing.  Wow, that was rather a long sentence wasn't it.  LOL but it gives a good example of how I was trying to wind myself up more and more about the move, and it just didn't end up happening.

By this morning, when the parents came with the moving truck to help me out, I think I had managed to sort out about 92% of my flat, but I was just catatonic about fixing up the other 8%.  And, with my parents being old hands at moving - in the past ten years alone, they have had seven homes, or is it eight?  Anyways, with them being expert at moving, I felt guilty not having that enthusiasm for it, and was worried I would get the motherly glare about not completing the work to expectations.  Yes, I know, I have a million different neuroses LOL.  But she was happy enough with what I had done, thank goodness.

As I think I have said before, I have a great relationship with my parents, my own expectations of what they think of me though is usually where I trip myself up with them.  So yes, I have moved in with the parents for the time being, until I am over There.  When we were heading up to the New Here from the Old Here, I said to Mum that I was homeless - she returned with the quip that it is called In Transit.  The commute to work from parentals is going to be more a killer than my old apartment, but it is only for eight days, so I am sure I can cope.

Had a great weekend other than stressing about moving.  Saturday night I went to a birthday party with kinksters.  I think I had mentioned last week that one of the girls had checked to see whether I was coming by email, with the opening line 'hello handsome' lol.  I wasn't in a party mood on the way, and I love having to public transport to suburbs I previously didn't know existed, down driveways so long and so dark that it would be the perfect place for a murder, but once I got there, and once I had started catching up with people that I knew, then I got into the party mood.

Especially when I have friends who don't mind me checking out their corset-enhanced cleavage lol.  Or seem glad to see me for me - when I was stuck in the rut of going out with workmates for what seems an eternity now, the vibe I got a lot of the time was that they weren't really happy to see me, if that makes sense?  The kink crowd I have met are far more welcoming, or maybe it is just that I am far more happy and confident and all the rest.  Or a little of column A and column B combined.

And also the fact that at the club I went to last month, it was all about putting on a show or whatever.  At this private residence, it was just friends catching up with other friends.  Without any sense of judgement about whatever anyone wore - or rather, didn't wear.  And also a difference, feeling that the club was a bit blase, at Saturday's party, watching a couple of the girls squirm under a bit of knife and edge play was quite awesome.  Squirming can be very sensual.  So yes, had a lovely time, had quite a few lovely conversations with different people, and got a load of hugs and we will miss you when you head There's when I left.  Well, apart from the girl who was blissing out under the knife at the time, she wasn't anywhere in this galaxy when I tried to say goodbye to her, I said to her Dom to say goodbye to her when she came down.  LOL she sent me an email the next day seemingly feeling guilty about not being lucid when I left.

It is interesting, actually.  There are a few Masters or Doms that I feel quite happy and relaxed talking to, yet others I fear to catch the attention of, lest I get noticed for something and then whatever their attention will mean will likely hurt.  I guess with the ones I am chatty with, I feel they see me as a human first and a sub second - the ones I am nervous around, I feel like a bug.  If that doesn't sound too harsh.

Have gotten a couple of messages the last couple of days, saying that one of the girls is sad because she has only just met me and we get on so well and I am already leaving - the 'hello handsome' girl sent me another message saying it always seemed that the nice ones seemed to move interstate.  Which has given my confidence another boost.  I will be back from time to time people, my parents are here, so it's not as if I am going to take a Scorched Earth policy to visiting Here ever again.

Then yesterday, caught up with some mates at the lawn bowls club.  Played two hours of bowls, and then proceeded to drink the afternoon away (procrastinating away from the moving boxes at home again), and ended up at a chicken restaurant place (no, not KFC), when instead we were hoping for cafe or Thai or Italian food, but being a Sunday, all those stores were either closed or were going to open later in the evening.  Sunday beers are always good, and next Sunday will have another 'function' with hopefully all my closest mates from Here to say goodbye and such.  Good cafe food, and then hopefully cheapish beers lol.

Oh, and I sent off my draft bucket list to my couple friends who are going to kidnap me next week.  And also let Mistress in on what I would like to get up to.  Which I believe she has filed away for either her or Sir to use as and when appropriate hehehe.

Mistress and Sir had a busy, stressful weekend.  Still haven't heard what the specifics of Sir's domestic-to-him issues are, but from what I heard, the phrase I had picked the worst possible time to call on Saturday morning before he handed me over to Mistress, not promising.

Was talking to Mistress today, and she sounds much happier and with it than she has in the past month or so.  She was in the mood to go to her work and sort out the shit there, though maybe tomorrow rather than actually today, but that is still uber positive compared to how things have been lately.

And...

She is getting excited at the thought of me getting over there.  Very very soon.  She says that Sir is getting excited as well, but I am sure Mistress is more bubbly about it than he is.  There is a difference between anticipation and excitement, isn't there?  Or is that just me?

It was scary leaving my unit, the comfort, the safety of it, after three and a half years, but looking at the other side of the coin, it is another step on the way to achieving the goal of being with her.  I am kinda sorta disappointed that it looks like Mistress won't be the one to take various of my cherries with my obliging couple next week getting first dibs, but, as Mistress said, there are plenty of other things she can think up for her to do with me first.

She could break me, and I would still feel safe with her.  If that makes sense.

Oh, that's what else I was going to write about - especially with me being truly madly deeply subby as I am around her.  I read an interesting article about sub frenzy the other day, and no, I don't have the link directly to hand at the moment, but I can track it down if anyone is interested, and it basically said as well as the whole wanting to try everything and burn out your subbyness as quickly as humanly possible, another definition of sub frenzy could be the whole newbie thinking that the first Dom you ever find is going to be the One True Dom of your entire life, that you think he or she is perfect, and that you are meant for each other as well blah blah blah.

I believe I have been relatively circumspect with the throwing myself into Everything type of sub frenzy, but as for the One True Dom side of things, well, Mistress knows how deeply I have fallen for her.  Well, I think she knows.  But as far as I am concerned, and this may be splitting hairs, it may not be, I know that it could fall apart, I know it will take a lot of work between all three of us to make things work the way they very well could, and the falling I have done is more related to the relationship - that word again - rather than the D/s dynamic in and of itself.

Now, to figure out the train timetables from Woop Woop Land, and to look at getting some sleep soonish.

Procrastination

Well, over the course of this weekend - Monday to be exact - I will be moving up to my parents' place.  Kind of a two step plan, to leave my furniture and all the other stuff there, and then in a couple of weeks, fly over to There.  To be with Mistress, Sir and all the assorted things that will make my life interesting.

So yes, I am trying to get some motivation up to work on packing more boxes, but am failing miserably.  All these books, I really should get a Kindle for the ones apart from the art books.  Though those are heavy in and of themselves LOL.  But, I have the rest of the weekend to do so, and I am getting rid of junk quite efficiently. it is just the packing that is doing my head in.

Meanwhile, over There...

Mistress is really really REALLY struggling.  She has taken stress leave off work, and right at the moment can't even contemplate going back in.  Sir has had a couple of domestic-to-him issues come up, and there are other issues cropping up that aren't helping either.  And Sir seems to struggle to gauge Mistress' moods when she is this way, whereas I pick them up as easily as seeing a firework explode.  Part of my been there done that got the tshirt experience from years ago, I think, that helps me understand what Mistress is going through, moreso than Sir can.

I said something to her this morning, along the lines of I would do anything for her, but more specific - to financial matters, in fact.  She paused, thinking how much I am willing to offer her, and it kind of seemed to hit home more so than when I have said stuff, in a big picture sense, over the past month or so.

I am hers, completely and utterly.  It should scare me, but it doesn't.  It feels the most natural thing for me to do, and it feels like the most natural relationship I have ever been in.

The permission to have kinky bi sex with randoms is just an added bonus lol.

A Second Kidnapping

The first kidnapping, of course, being when my new INTJ friends 'forced' me to visit various sex shops with them on my sick day last week.  It was so truly horrifying.  Not.  Well, apart from the traffic cone sized dildo LOL.

Got an email on Monday from them, saying was I up for a spontaneous dinner the following night.  To which I said sure, of course.  They wouldn't tell me where it was though, apart from some sort of pub.  So they picked me up from home, and then drove out to the airport.  I was amazed there was a pub at the airport.  Not as amazed as the staff member looking like a deer in headlights with people coming to the airport pub - this wasn't in one of the terminals, mind you, just in the industrial zone next to the nearest hotel to the airport.  He had to tell us that the kitchen closed three hours before we turned up.

So, we could have gone to one of my locals - I have lived in this suburb three and a half years, and have only been in one of the local pubs once, and that was only because my parents got there before I could direct them to the cafe we were having dinner at - but my mates wanted to avoid trivia night or chook lotto or karaoke if they could, so we went a few suburbs away to this place I have always gone past, but never been in.  And it was lovely inside.

And the conversation was lovely and light and dare I say flirty sexual, and dinner was lovely - they had done the spontaneous dinner thing because of a steak and lobster Tuesday night special, I'm not really into lobster, but it saved me looking too closely at the menu, and choosing something else lol.  And these are the guys I was trying to entice into kidnapping me and beating me, so I kinda sorta worked that angle as well.

And then he said, well, yes, so we beat you, what happens next.  Apparently to his brain, a beating isn't enough of a reason to get off or anything.  And when I said I hadn't had sex for six months, her brain almost exploded with a sense of omgwtf.  Everything Dommy/subby/Owner/property or whatever else I have found myself wading in recently, to those two, all that stuff revolves around sex.  Whereas I see it as somewhat of a substitute - it certainly gives me enough of an endorphin high.

So when that came up, the fact that sex is an integral part of their O/p play, I shrugged my shoulders and said yeah, I will go for that as well.  I guess I just didn't want to impose on them, it would have been fun enough for me to be beaten, but their minds don't seem to work that way.  And then my eyes went saucer shape round - different to the anime eyes, which are a sense of longing, saucer shape is shock - when they then said, yeah okay.  And then proceeded to pepper me with questions about what I would want to get up to.

Though the grin, somewhat wicked, somewhat in shock, didn't take all that long to come out when I realised they were serious and wanted to do this.  I have a day off in a couple of weeks time, when I will catch up with them next, and they will REALLY kidnap me.  When we went into the car park to head home, they opened up the boot of their Peugeot, one of the sportier numbers, and I said yeah, I would be able to fit in there.  They were then wondering out loud about getting rear ended in the train station car park where they will pick me up, and having to explain the naked, duct taped body in there to cops.  Which would be a laugh, unless it actually happens lol.

They suggested I write a 'sexual bucket list' of what I want to get up to.  Of course, being a few hours or so, we won't be able to do everything on there, or probably even half or a quarter of the things, but it will give some parameters.  She asked me how bi-curious I actually was, and I replied as bi as you need me to be, so there are things she wants to see of him that she hasn't been able to, and maybe I will be able to assist with that.  Grinning like a fool already, remembering how - intense, I guess the right word is? - intensely sexual the conversation was in this nice suburban pub restaurant.

She said she was surprised at how willing I was to be a victim, when, in all reality, I hardly know the two of them, especially in how rough they may play.  I batted my eyelids at the both of them, and said, in a kinda sing-song voice 'abuse me', with a huge smile on my face.  They laughed at that, before he said that it was the unwilling victims that were more fun - their screams are more authentic.

I got home, and, as I do when I have these lovely evenings, I was on the phone to Mistress within about fifteen seconds of getting in the door.  I said it was looking likely I was going to get fucked in a couple of weeks, by the both of these new friends, and could I have permission to do so.  Mistress said she didn't mind.  But that she was somewhat jealous and she wants there to be pictures taken.  So as well as the corset and the collar, and possibly the flogger, I better take the camera down.  By this stage I will be living with the parents before the move There, so that will be fun, making sure the sex stuff don't fall out of my satchel bag in front of Mum.

As I smirk about how to pose my eyes while I have duct tape over my mouth.  Mmm, this could be a good photo shoot INDEED.  Let alone all the actual, you know, sex stuff.

Zen

So, in conversation with Mistress last night, I asked about the partner or sub or pet or toy thing, and she replied, well which one do you want to be, pet or toy?  I am pretty sure she was joking, but other than that, she said I had to be zen about that at the moment, and anyways, I have clearly said that I will be whatever she needs me to be.  Which is certainly true.

She also said that reading my last couple of journal entries, that it is good that I am coming back to some sort of common sense, and that when I get there, I will help, just by being there, and that she needs me to be strong for her.

Submitting, sacrificing, compromising as much as I have already, and what looks to be more of that on the horizon, I am feeling more an extension of Mistress than my own person.  Which is good, in a way.  And scary, in other ways.  Is this what becoming property feels like, because it certainly feels like I have gone past 'general' submissiveness.

Bites lip.

Calming exercises.

Zen.

Resignation

I resigned from work today.  Gave them a good allowance of notice before I do finally go.  And am organising a Goodbye To Here lunch.  And gave notice on my flat on Friday.

Plus am going to be kidnapped and fed tomorrow night by the couple that corrupted me with the sex shop visits last Monday, and my mates from yesterday want to catch up again next weekend.

Which would be nice and all, but a majority of my concentration is in the Over There direction, where Mistress doesn't sound like she is having that great a time of it.  Even taking into consideration my meltdowns last week, she has retracted into herself again when it comes to communicating with me.  Which makes me bite my lip and grind my teeth, both of which are not in the good ways.

I am here for you babe.  And soon, I will be there for you, as well as Sir.

Fear swallowing for the day, mission accomplished.

Munch The Third

Well, as per my previous post, I successfully swallowed the doubts today.  I went and caught up with friends that I had caught up with last month, and it was partially a 'I am leaving Here' event.  And I enjoyed myself immensely.  As well as the alcohol, the food, and the company I mean.

I put my head in a cage, that looks kind of like one of those old school diving helmets, I got whacked with a heavy wooden paddle, I put my head in a sensory deprivation leather mask thing.  I got given a flogger as a going away gift, and I bought a red leather corset.  My first one - squee!!!!  And this was in a pub where, apart from the group tables, the average time warp was back to 1954 LOL.  We tried to keep the stuff out of any obvious sightlines of the locals.

As I was coming down off the endorphin high about an hour ago, I contemplated the flogger and corset and thought 'oh, another couple of things to hide from my mother when I shift in with her soon'.  ROTFLMAO.

Surrendering

'Dying is easy, it's living that scares me to death, ooh, yeah'

I am doing my best to swallow my fears, to trust that Mistress knows best, to submit to her wishes without complaint.  This last week or so, even though I say I am hers, I have realised how far I have to go to totally submit to her.  I have been hearing her reassurances that things will be okay, that she loves me, that she wants me there, but for the last week or so, they haven't been getting through to the brain, past my gut reaction fears.

Yesterday, after the big blow up (relatively speaking, Mistress and I never blow up to the extent of a heated discussion) on Friday, I didn't quite surrender to my fears, but I surrendered to Mistress, more than I have done so up to this point.  I have no idea where this is exactly going, but as she needs me, and she needs the strength I have, I need to stop being weak.  All about calming exercises, which I have been using a lot the last twenty four hours.

I actually thought about whether to continue this blog, as it is a mood diary, and if my mood is going to be zen, then why would I write about that for at least three weeks.  Also a feeling that I can't show my fears to her.  But then I thought, well, I can express my fears, especially if they are new, but then do my best to get rid of them, and not stick on the issues, as I did a lot the last week.

For instance, Mistress wrote about Sir last night that they were in '24/7 O/p bliss'.  Now, apart from the fact that I would love to be in bliss myself, I saw that and burst into tears.  What on earth can I add - yes, that word again - to something that already is bliss?  Oh, and another thing - all this time, to this point, I have thought of myself as Mistress' partner, a secondary for sure, but a partner nonetheless.  Not a boyfriend, certainly not after Friday's discussion - I am a sub, sure, but am I also a pet or a toy?  Or, as I have been so often in the past, 'just friends'?

I mean, I will be fine with that, to be whatever Mistress needs me to be, but it is just turning my thinking of the last three months completely upside down.

I have to express my fears here, otherwise when I do talk to Mistress, I just explode with emotion, and she has no prior warning as to where those thoughts come from.  Consider this blog the early warning system haha - in the event of nuclear attack indeed.

But, now that I have expressed those fears, I can do the calming exercises, to trust, to submit to Mistress, and get on with my day.  That is the theory at least.

'Don't you know everything's alright, yes everything's fine'

There Is No Plan B

I had drafted a rather long piece about today.  But think I need to assess it again before I post it.

Mistress and I - hmm, well, suffice to say, we had a rather heated discussion about what the word 'relationship' means.  Which has ended up with me feeling hurt, and her exhausted with my negativity.  She has run out of things to say to me currently, and I am recognising the early signs of self sabotage in myself.

Clarity

At least for now, I will no doubt muddy my thinking processes in a couple of days time again.  But, for the moment, I have clarity.

Twisting myself inside out for two bosses, the last couple of weeks especially, when really, all I have ever had is One Boss.  Mistress.  Sir is still Sir, and I still think of him as that, but he will leave the nitty gritty of the Mistress and I relationship to the two of us.  What I feared, of him micromanaging what I can do or say or whatever, is unlikely to happen.

I make Mistress happy, which will keep Sir onside in regards to me, and he trusts her not to have random crazies come into her home.  Just the ones she knows, obviously, lol.

Would write more, but I am suddenly uber tired again.  And my brain is blank, apart from my love for her.  Which sometimes crowds all other thoughts out.  Which isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Idle Thoughts

Just a quick one this morning, as I am heading to work in hmm, fifteen minutes.

I was uber down yesterday.  And it took me almost all day to word it in a way that Mistress could understand.  It comes down to the thought that I fear a simple Order from Sir would mean that I would be cut adrift, relationship wise, and go to just friends or something.  Mistress said why on earth would he do that, but to me it is a kinda sorta valid concern, especially since she has given him control of all her life, apart from the kids.

And I haven't had sex in six months, and I could very well be heading into a non sexual relationship over There.  I am wondering when or if I will be in the Big Bed again, even to sleep.

But, after I actually got Mistress to understand things, I cheered up a bit.  I caught up with a couple of my besties here, and had the stray thought of whatever would I have done without them, especially H, whom I catch up with a couple of times a week.  And the mates that I went out with on Monday want to catch up again, to the extent of putting a date in the diary.  Mmm, brunch and kidnapping - squee!

Oh, and t-minus EEK moment - Mum booked a moving truck yesterday, for me to leave the unit and move in with them for my last couple of weeks Here.

Dark Side of the Moon

Mistress said I was very brave this morning - after last night's meltdown, at the start of today I admitted to being terrified of almost everything to do with over There.  The usual confident facade had collapsed.  Being as vulnerable as I am to her, being as uncertain about Sir as I am.

She wrote this midway through my morning - 

"We like YOU.  We like having you around.  We think you'll be happy over here and want to see that happen.  I want to be able to talk to you every day without timezones getting in the way.  I want the little everyday pleasures of you smiling at me from the kitchen table while I cook dinner." 

And then this evening, as I was leaving work, I was on the phone with her and said I wanted to just get home and fall apart.  Mistress said "I don't want you to".  And suddenly I was no longer falling apart, for the forseeable future.  I wish I could just take the Order she would love to give of not having meltdowns, but it is just a natural reaction to an inordinate amount of stress for me, and as much as I would love to, I can't just switch it on or off like a tap.

In another email today, she said she could list the reasons she likes, respects, cares for and loves me, but she didn't think that was important at the moment.  I replied that I would take all the reassurance I could get right at the moment.  And she said that if it were practical to rearrange timings, that I would be more than welcome to get There earlier if I could.  Yes, I have been struggling that much today.

So yes, Mistress Mistress Mistress.  Compared to whom, in my experience, Sir is the metaphorical Dark Side of the Moon.  You know it is there, but you have no idea what is there, which is how I feel about his thoughts and intentions towards me.  Which then leads to the non-fun nervousness.  Which, after a reasonably quick analysis this afternoon, may have been what has sent me off kilter especially the last couple of weeks.  Since there are minimal lines of communication between the two of us, when Mistress fell off a cliff, mood wise and depression and all that, my gut instinct is to rush in and save her.  Since Sir hasn't advised his expectations of me, nor built ANY sort of framework for how this will work in actuality, I get confused and frustrated about - well, boundaries isn't quite the best word, but confused and all the rest about how involved to get, emotionally I mean, when there are crises going on.  Or to take five steps backwards and give them space.  Or whatever.  Even just trying to write it down, to verbalise whatever concept I am trying to get out, is hella frustrating as well.

Mistress admitted that Sir has enjoyed messing with my head about this, and I admitted back that I knew that was probably what was happening.  But she will have a discussion with him to perhaps start laying out actual written guidelines for whatever type of framework may work for us.  Because between the 200% level of communication with Mistress, and the lack of it with Sir, it just feels, weird.  Uneven, off balance.

Random thought of the evening - I wonder whereabouts in the house over There my leash is at the moment...

Best. Sickday. EVER.

I took a mental health day yesterday.  Not that I necessarily needed it - well, at the start of the day at least - but was catching up with friends who only have Mondays and Tuesdays off.  In one of the suburbs about half an hour north of me Here.  Caught up for brunch and talked and talked and talked, and they seemed to take a shine to me, even though they were both INTJs, because before I knew it, brunch had become an extended lunch at a cafe in my suburb.  Mmmm, bagels.

And then I got kidnapped further - well, kidnapped if it had been against my will - to go and visit sex shops in the city.  I haven't been to a sex shop in like fifteen years or so, and even then, it was just a quick in out (hur hur) with an ex.  This time around, we went to three shops all up, plus a leather fashion place, plus a supermarket.  One of those dichotomy moments, going from dildos and nipple clamps, and then ten minutes later, wondering whether Coke or Pepsi LOL.

My eyes lit up at the butt plugs (obviously), the corsets, the shoes, the boots.  Oh, and the blindfolds, gags and gimp masks.  The female mate I was with said ooh, it seems you are into sensory deprivation.  I replied with a wicked, wicked grin.  At times it was a bit of sensory overload, with my head spinning a bit.

And the friends kept saying they would kidnap me, tie me up and throw me in the boot, which, as I bite my lip, is something that gives me the big anime 'I want' eyes.  And B, the woman, said it had been YEARS since she had a pet, and she was asking her Boss, can I have one.  And of course, I volunteered, if Mistress would give her permission - which she did later in the day, for 'next time'.  Ooh, look, I have a Tuesday scheduled off before I go There.  Hehehehe.  She flicked me with a couple of crops and a flogger.  Which was, of course, delicious.

And then, as they were dropping me off home, damn, no kidnapping, they invited me out for dinner as well.  They must have liked me.  And I do hope to catch up with them before I go, even if no kidnapping or beating occurs.  Though that option would be preferable.

Rang Mistress, she was jealous of the amazingly great day I had had.  And was relaxing into just having a quiet evening in, when my bestie Here rang through and said what are you up to, $5 steak night, come back into town.  So I did.  And stuck around for more than just the steak, dammit.  I iz broke, after paying a large bill last week, and not pay day until next week.  Rolling my eyes at myself, I was supposed to save one of these decades, I am sure of it lol.

And then got home, and after the highs of earlier in the day, I crashed.  And burned.  Doubts overwhelming me.  The whole thing of Sir seeming to have everything well in hand over there, making me think why am I considering going.  Surplus to requirements.  And one of those things that I thought too much about and got more and more uptight and all that.  And hit depression.  And thought about opening my wrists.

There might be okay now, that they have realised things need to be fixed or whatever, but Here.  I am alone, I come home alone.  And the thinking of why Mistress would want me there, and not coming up with an answer.  Gah.

Hmm.  Two meltdowns in what, four days.  If I hadn't taken a sick day yesterday, I would really contemplate doing so today.  Though that would be a bad idea, staying home by myself and distractedly poking at my depression.  Until it blows up again.

Sir

He makes me nervous.  And not in that delicious, good way.

99% of my doubts about how over There will go are based around Sir.  As you would have guessed yesterday, Mistress and I are sweet, and I have no doubt about how things will work out with her.  Sir however is a different kettle of fish.  How many hand grenades should I throw in this post, hmm?

Our personalities, our life experiences have been totally totally different.  He usually has me off kilter without even trying, or perhaps even being aware of it.  Whereas communication with Mistress is strong and always has been, with Sir I struggle with small talk sometimes.  And even when I do try, I usually only get one word or one sentence replies, that don't really invite further discussion.  And that's not him being a Dom, with instructions and such, that is just him being him.

When I blew up at Mistress the other day, it was kind of partially because Sir seemed to talk over the top of me when I was trying to talk to her, distracting her and meaning she had two conversations on the go.  And of course the feeling that I was the less important one, and it wasn't the first time that had happened either, just the first time I had somewhat snapped.

And also when the topic of explaining the situation to my parents came up, Sir said well, he hasn't explained the situation to his parents, and wouldn't have been as silly as to invite his family over.  Which has made me grind my teeth a bit, hell, a LOT, the last week or so.  Either I am stupid for letting my family visit There, or my parents are stupid to decide to visit.  I'm not in the mood for apologising that I have a great relationship with my parents.

And the whole confusion over whether I was Owned for all of twenty milliseconds or not.  Yes, he apologised for messing around with the labels for that, and it was impulsive on his part, but, believe it or not, my heart soared when I thought I was Owned, and then fell quite a bit when it was then publicly confirmed I wasn't.

I am very secure, most of the time, with my position in this very non traditional set up.  I am not going to steal his girlfriend, his sub.  He does things for Mistress that I couldn't even imagine contemplating, let alone attempting.  Let alone achieving with any sort of success.  I would be an awful switch, and I can't even compute attempting to be a Dom.  Epic Fail much?

And he hasn't even confirmed any sort of reply to that email I sent, that I almost had a meltdown about the last time I visited, about 'playing' with Mistress.  And how would he react if I suggested having one on one time, say a dinner out or something, with her?

Can you see how much uncertainty I have with him?  Seriously, sometimes it does my head in.  I hope I haven't come across too negative above, because I am not wanting to rock the boat any more than I have to, but yes, I do feel I need to get some of these thoughts out, and to have everyone thinking about them before I get There.  So that we can attempt to resolve them before they do become negative.

I just wish I was certain that he respects me, as a real person, rather than just, umm, a concept or something.

Eek, execution awaits, part two... 

Mistress

She is depressed.

Apparently I was able to pick it a week or more before she got diagnosed by her shrink.  But because I have been giving both her and Sir space the last however long it has been, I didn't actually verbalise it to either of them.  Which she said is not to happen again.  To tell her, or, she actually Ordered me to tell Sir when I feel something is wrong next time.

I don't have my marching orders.  Unless you count the long standing orders to get my butt over There.  She needs me, she wants me there.  Whatever the convoluted twists and turns we have gone through to get to this point, there is the simple math, as it were.

I was a puddle of tears for half the conversation last night though, for reasons I can't quite put my finger on right this minute - it was just before I went to sleep and all.  I dunno, just a sense of vulnerability, of nakedness (no, not THAT type of nakedness) when Mistress turns her thoughts to me.  And feeling a tad pathetic for doubting things.  I admitted to her, out loud, which I don't think I had done before, that I have never been this much in love before, and that I would do anything, ANYTHING for her.  It sounded even scarier out loud than it did when it was only bouncing around my head.  But, she puts immense value in what I am to her.

I needed the reassurance, after my blow up yesterday, that she still loves me, that she is still proud of me, which she was only too willing to reconfirm.  I realised yesterday that, since bumping into her, I have found both a strength of character, and also a protective streak a mile wide, that I never even knew were inside me.  And, is strange, being the submissive or property or whatever I am, that I feel so protective towards Mistress.  I have never felt protective towards my exes or anyone in the same way before.

And as for the suddenfound strength of character, another friend, who I accused of believing that I was wimpy, said no, I am just soft and gentle, with a core of steel.  In the past, there have been precious few things I would stand up and die in the ditch over - have always been malleable, perhaps overly so, even in relationships.  Since meeting Mistress, and I mean even before we met physically, she has helped me discover my strength.  Basically right at the time I need to be strong for her.  Which is an interesting coincidence.

Mistress said I was the most loving, caring, gentle person she had ever met.  Which made me burst into tears and made my heart swell immensely.  And she needs me.  I am her best friend, her submissive, her rock, and the loving bond we have is mindblowingly amazing.  Though, as I admitted to her, it can be a bit of a nightmare balancing all those roles sometimes.

And, even if she never admits it out loud to anyone, she is my Owner, and I am her property.  As the enormity of typing that seeps into me, and I break into a grin a mile wide and my eyes fog up with tears at the same time.

I said to her, that despite me melting down and blowing up and all the rest of it, there is never the chance that I will say, well I'm not coming There.  She said that if I ever even THOUGHT of saying that, she would hire a Dom over here to whack some sense into me.  And then she said, don't smile about it.  Mmm, whackies - I had broken straight through smiling about the thought, straight to a mini bliss out.  Especially if it was the mutual friend we have an hour north of me Here.  And then I admitted that god, I want to be hit again.  Mistress said she would sort me out on that front when I get there, and that she would push me, and that she was afraid of breaking me, but if she did break me, she would put me together again.  Just writing that down, and remembering the feelings when she said it, here come the foggy tears again.  I am so so so looking forward to getting There.

Are the readership clear on that point yet?  hahahaha

And then I took her on that impossible thought, the Ghost of Christmas Past and Future, if she had never met me, if I had never met her.  Which is a game I play in my own head from time to time, and I would just be marking time, passing time, bored out of my brains Here.  She said, in her case, if she hadn't bumped into me, she would have melted down a lot lot sooner than she did.

And then, this is me extrapolating rather than what she actually said, she would only have half the support network she currently has.  The essential support network, as it were.  And Sir apparently only picked up that she was tired, rather than depressed.

As I break out into a grin again, about her pushing my boundaries.  And of her being my Owner.  And generally of what she means to me.

Awaiting Execution

I blew up at Mistress earlier today.  Sent her a text saying that I was feeling under appreciated, ignored, useless.

I talked briefly to her after I had sent that.  She had to figure out what to say back to me, which she will do tonight, rather than have the discussion in the middle of Ikea.

Will it be my marching orders, or is it something that just needed to come out?  Time will tell.

30 000 Brownie Points

Is apparently how many I earned by getting Mistress random flowers today.  She has never gotten flowers that weren't tinged with either guilt or actual birthday or special occasion, and to send them There from Here, I'm not sure whether she has gotten her mind around it yet.  I used to do it - sending flowers for no particular reason - with my exes from time to time, so it's not a huge OMG OMG thing for me, as opposed to Mistress, who apparently looked at the bunch as if they were live snakes or a bomb or something.

I made her day apparently.  Though Sir makes her millenium.

She went to her shrink yesterday, who gave her a week off work.  During the appointment, she didn't mention me at all.  Which made me feel unimportant, in a sense.  Mistress said she was only talking about the negative things in her life, so of course I didn't come up in that sense, but still, I dunno, I just think that if an important part of the jigsaw puzzle is soon to be sorted out, wouldn't you mention it?  Just, I dunno how to explain it.

And earlier on in the week, when we were discussing how to explain the situation to my parents, Mistress said that she would introduce Sir as her partner.  Which of course he is, but just the way it came across, made me feel like chopped liver.  That was what silenced me in that conversation more than any awkwardness about my parents - they have supported me in all my madcap schemes before, I am sure they will do so in the future.

And, I'm spent with the thinking tonight.  Tired, as well as if I chase that particular topic down that particular rabbit hole, it likely won't be a whole lot of positivity.  And we are all about the brownie points via the flowers right now lol.

Admission

I admitted to The Boss today that I have never been as sure of anything in my life as my need to be near her.  Whether as partners or lovers or friends or whatever the heck we are, the need to be near her sometimes overwhelms me.  And yes, I did do the back track and said oh, I said that out loud didn't I.  She seemed to like hearing it though.

She is going to see someone about this dark patch she is going through.  Thank goodness for that.

I am tempted to ask her to Order me to wear a butt plug for my flight over There.  But perhaps we can leave that until later, but so, so very tempted.  Curiosity killed the cat, indeed.

'You Are So Awesome!!!'

The title today is the email I got from Mistress today.  I just thought I would put it up there to stroke my ego a bit more lol.  Just because I am submissive, doesn't mean I don't like a bit of ego stroking, from appropriate people, from time to time.

Last night I was doing one of my multiple 'I love you' things, and the reply I got from her was that she wasn't all that loveable.  Which worries me.

Then, during the work day, there is an anti stress initiative happening later in the month, linked to Lifeline fundraising.  There was a list of, for want of a better term, warning signs, and Mistress does have unusual sleeping patterns, always tired or not getting enough sleep.  Also a decline in interest in stuff, such as socialising - I know her and Sir are getting to learn to live with each other, but there is a difference between your social life settling down or it falling off a cliff completely.  And, although she does her best to put on the brave face, sometimes I fear she isn't coping as well as she could be.

Talked to her quickly tonight, before she had to go, because she wasn't really in a talkative mood.  Not long to go now until I am there though, which is good.  She also said a couple of days ago that she can hardly see into the future far enough to see me arrive, which is only next month.  Let alone further into the year.

We both did a Myers-Brigg personality test last night, one of those mini online ones.  She is an INTJ, I am an ESFJ.  Almost total opposites.  Perhaps why our personalities seem to mesh so well.

I can't wait to get over there to assist her with the load.

It is kinda funny, in a way.  Before my last visit, I was the one needing constant care, constant support and all the rest.  Not quite the same, but close enough in reverse now.  She seems to be fraying, and I am the strong, constant one.  I need to be strong for her, for them both.

Love you babe xxx

Realisation

For the entire month of June, I did not take one photo with either of my cameras.  What's up with that?

Where Did That Weekend Go?

Just got some things to ponder on my mind at the moment.

Mistress saying this morning, AFTER our intial 'conversation', that I am free to join her on rollercoasters anytime.  That made me smile.

The thought of explaining the There situation to my parents - Mistress and I were going to subcontract the explanation to Sir, while Mistress was giggling in the corner.  However, Sir has said he will join Mistress in the giggling, and therefore I will have to explain things.  My reaction to that?  'Fuck'.

Me adding to some of Mistresses experiences with Sir.  Like overhearing things this morning.  Adding, adding - I laughed for two minutes straight, the loudest I have laughed in a long time, when I equated that sort of addition with 'would you like fries with that' lol lol. 

Oh, and when Sir and Mistress talk strategy, they don't mention me at all.  Just as I was about to pout in that particular phone conversation, Mistress said, we already have sorted out the strategy with you.  And, as well as a sudden burst of nerves, my heart almost soared out of my chest.  Soared, bit of an exaggeration?  Nah, I wish it was, but it isn't.  Hard to explain, I'm not starved of attention and love and care and all the rest, but when I am reminded of those things, yeah, soar is the word.

The Ex

The ex called through this morning.  I was distracted on the computer, and, seeing the call number display out of the corner of my eye, thought it was another friend calling through.  Since I have deleted the exes' details out of my phone, and can't just screen my calls that way anymore.

This is the ex who was asking about (aka stalking) me via my mother, and that Mistress had Ordered me never to contact again, after the apparent final email I sent a few weeks ago.

She started off asking how There was, and I said I hadn't moved yet.  Then asked how long I had known the girl, and that the ex had known me twelve times as long, and I had never just up and moved to her.  How can you make a decision in six months with her that you couldn't make with me for six years.  And that was the basis of the conversation for the rest of it.  Oh, as well as 'I hope you know what you are getting into with children' because the ex obviously thinks I won't be able to handle that, or indeed that I haven't been thinking about it up until she mentioned it.  Oh, and 'what is wrong with me, why didn't we work out'.

I have those type of answers at my fingertips (September 2008, January 2009 spring to mind immediately), but I'm not the type of person to continue a character assassination when the person is obviously already unhappy.  Oh, and 'why did you lie to me, I thought we were friends' about the whole There scenario.  I mean, she was kinda sorta with me for six years, doesn't she know my avoidance techniques by now?  And 'have you slept with her yet, that's a regret of mine that we never did that'.

I was different when I was with the ex.  It is only the last year or so, or indeed, the last six months, that I have gotten comfortable to the point where depression isn't a daily battle with me.  And no, it is more than just the pills with that.  I wasn't as bright and bubbly as I am now, even though I did my best at putting up that facade in the past.

I could have brought up a myriad of reasons for why we broke up, from the employment opportunities in the exes part of the world, to the lack of sleeping together - which, bastardly as it is to say, was a conscious choice on my part - to her ranting about my female friends, but the primary reason I avoided giving a straight answer this morning was the fact that I didn't want to say to her, to hurt her feelings, that I am head over heels for Mistress, in a way that I never was with the ex.

One thing the conversation brought back to me though, is how much the ex thought we would possibly get back together at some point, when, for mine, it has been over and not being resurrected (dead, buried, cremated, as I would say if I were in politics) for at least two years.  With the serious cracks starting almost three years ago.  Is woebegotten a word?  If so, what is it's actual meaning?  Because that is what the ex sounded like.

Then, I rang Mistress to be consoled or whatever was going on in my mind at the time.  Sir answered, and said Mistress was a bit distracted at the moment, but because of the enormity of what I had just been through, he handed me over.  Had a quick, thirty second discussion, before Mistress decided to put the phone down, without disconnecting me, so that she could concentrate on her 'distractions'.  Which were lovely to hear, as the endorphins only now start calming down from that.  Certainly took my mind off the ex, until I got around to writing this blog.

Hope to talk to Mistress about the ex when she is less distracted...

I Love This Time Of Year

Okay, off on a tangent to start today's post - Le Tour starts today.  Huzzah!  Umm, the Tour de France, cycling?  Yes, no?  I'm not a fan of cycling myself, and have no sense of balance to actually ride a bike (yeah, I know, pathetic), but the way the coverage of the Tour is, just lovely.  Watching the French countryside slide by for hours, and then before you know it, you get caught up in the daily battles, and then start counting down to the finish, and just a few more minutes, just a few more - and then you realise it is 1am already lol.  Just lovely, relaxing television, if that makes sense.

I had my job interview for There yesterday.  It went really really well, I impressed the guy with how good I am, and I was really confident and all.  And then the call came through, I hadn't got it.  Damn.  But, strangely enough, they have another position for exactly the same role coming up next week, and the HR team will automatically re-apply me in, and I won't have to do a second interview, and I impressed the potential boss so much, that it will have to be someone pretty special to knock me off the 'you have the job' perch.  Though still, uncertainty, limbo, for another couple of weeks - they have to advertise the role, they can't just say a second opening came up and I got it without a process, but it would be so easy to just take that short cut, surely?  So yes, that has thrown my resignation plans up in the air.

It was such a roller coaster yesterday.  The nerves to start with, the relief of getting the interview out of the way, and doing well at it, then the endorphins leaking out as the nerves went away, to being advised of the result and the subsequent feeling of, emptiness I guess, with the second chance possibility.

And then going out with one of my besties, random drinks, random Chinese yum cha, random more drinks with more friends.  We don't do things by halves as I caught the last train home, but as one of my friends over There said, I have to have things to enjoy while I am still Here, and that set of friends I was out with last night are quality.  And I will miss them when I get There, but hell, good friends versus Mistress (and Sir)?  No contest.

And while I was up and down with interviews and socialising and such, Mistress was having a day from hell.  She is getting so much flak at work at the moment, that I was talking to her earlier and she was a blur of tears in a conference room, probably while I was trying to ring through to whinge about how the job fell through.  I want to do all I can to support her, but I feel so useless from over Here.  Not that she sees me as useless, I think, but sometimes I feel - hmm, we have actually had this conversation, and she doesn't consider me a burden, ever.  Irritating, sometimes, in very specific circumstances, but not a burden.

I'm worried about her.  She is just so down at the moment.  From what she says, Sir is down a bit as well, but well, he and I haven't quite got the long distance communication sorted as yet, so the one I do hear as down more than they should be is Mistress.  Virtual hugs and mwahs, no, they don't really cut it, when push comes to shove.  Ah well, not long to go before I take on the support role in person.

My parents are planning an overseas trip for the family later in the year.  My mother said if Mistress wants to come along she can, depending on time off work and time away from the kids, but perhaps to leave it a while before mentioning it, as who knows how the actual living together will work out.  As if I could keep a secret from the Boss though.  But it did fluster her a bit, until she got back at me by saying, oh, well, have you explained Sir to my family yet.  That shut me up, well and good hahahaha.  Now, about the time for another quick change of topic methinks.

Doing the uber lazy weekend thing.  The good thing about only being out of the house for thirty minutes for the entire day, is that I can wear the collar for the other 23.5 hours.  And I was thinking pizza for food, but Mistress did strongly suggest, it wasn't quite an Order, she strongly suggested I have a bit of a walk.

I think those were the main points of the last couple of days.  I don't think it has really sunk in, yesterday.  A lot happened.  A helluva lot happened.