Buckle Up, The First Post May Take A While

I had two Orders and one request yesterday.

Order One – ‘You will go to the doctor. You will start taking your medication again. You will not go off your medication unless you talk to me and/or your doctor first.’

Order Two – ‘You will not contact [last significant ex]. She is not good for you.’

Request – ‘Will you do something for me? – Anything. – Will you start a mood diary. – Yes.’

So here we are. The primary reason for starting this blog is to keep it as a mood diary for C, my Mistress. A secondary reason is to try and sort out in my mind what is going on with my situation, which I will attempt to explain in the next few hundred paragraphs. A tertiary reason may be, if I get around to it, my interest in art and photography, which was the reasoning behind my last blog, over in livejournal land.

Mood today is, I would say, a 4.99 out of 10, so just on the glass half empty side of the ledger.

Where to start, where to start? If you had asked me a year ago, six months, even just three months ago, that I would find myself in the situation that I am, I would have thought it was merely a glitch in The Matrix, let alone any sort of real life scenario. On the positive side, the depression that has been a constant in my life the last twenty years is in remission.

Okay, so I might as well just plunge in – where is the adult content button around this place hmm. I have fallen in love with my best friend who is in another relationship. Blinking in amazement that I actually wrote that down, blinking in amazement that that is the scenario laid to its barest. But wait, it gets more complicated – her relationship is a Dominant/submissive one, or actually probably more accurately an Owner/property one. And I have slipped into a Dominant/submissive relationship with both Sir and Mistress. And, to add another layer, it is currently long distance in my case, but will be short distance, local with the both of them soon enough – 62 sleeps.

Soon enough, yeah right. It has already felt like forever since I was there at the start of last month. Another two months – to think of it in that way is overwhelming. I am trying to take it day by day, week by week even. But with things in all three of our seperate lives going so quickly before we are all in the same household, keeping tethered to a calm, stable place in the centre can seem difficult.

Especially since I am a bit uncertain about how things will work when I get over there. I think all three of us are, but hey, it is my blog, it is my brain thinking up what to write hahaha, I will take centre stage for all of about 1% of the time, thank you lol. One of the ways I am dealing with it is to not think about There beyond getting to the airport. If you think further ahead than that, you just build up all sorts of expectations which, honestly, can’t be sorted out until I am there. We have sorted things out as much as we can from four thousand kays away. So yes, another word for the situation is limbo. Especially since I have metaphorically turned my back on my current city. What is the point of investing more time and effort into a place that I have already decided to leave.

That isn’t to say that I am completely ignoring Here, I still intend to have quality time with friends during the time I have left. And there are things that are happening around here that will keep my attention fleetingly – Surrealist art exhibition from Paris at the local Art Gallery, an outdoor ice rink for our Winter Festival. But my focus for the past month, and for the next couple, has been and will be getting West.

It is also kind of frustrating being in limbo because Sir and Mistress are inexorably and quickly working towards moving under the same roof and sorting themselves out. Not my story to tell, but suffice to say, things have been complicated enough in both their lives not to take that step as yet. Of course I am happy for them both, they work so well together, but being so far away, well, it is frustrating.

When I visited There in January, I went as a tourist and C’s best friend. Even when The Collar was placed around my neck – and OMG how that opened my eyes to what I had been ignoring all these years – it was her as a friend introducing me to something I might like. Nothing relationship-py about it at all, at least from my memory.

Then, somewhere along the way to my birthday in April, things changed. And this is while we were on different sides of the country. Mistress sent the collar as my birthday present, and the word relationship was first used. And I was over the moon, subspacing long distance, almost.

And then, when I got back There again for the second trip at Easter, it all fell into place. The fact that she loves me, the fact that her Sir became my Sir as well, that they want me over there, and that There felt like home, after so many years of nowhere feeling like that. There was a deep and meaningful that I had with Mistress that was one of those moments that turns your life upside down, but in the awesomely good way. And there was no way that I was not going to get over there after that.

But, time with the ones you love in person is very different to time spent in another city waiting to plan to go. It was funny, there was an almost perfect job with current employer over There that was advertised two days after I got back to work after the Easter holiday. I even got through to the interview stage, and would have had two or three weeks notice to move if I got the thing. But I didn’t. I thought I had done my best to lower the expectations and all, but still, not getting it hit me hard.

If this was the Olden Days of my constant lingering depression at the back of my mind, I am sure I would have fallen apart for at least a couple of days, but, to my astonishment, I didn’t even take an entire afternoon off with feeling sorry for myself, my brain processes had already thought of plans B and C before I even got home. What has happened to me the last six months?

Though on the not so positive side, some of my friends who I have tried to explain the situation to have said negative things about it. One was thinking about me not having a certain job and living with The Bosses, and she is very blunt when it comes to these types of conversations. She had a vision that I would be homeless without a job within ten minutes of me getting there. Another friend is wondering about the how things will work out in practicality. Funny thing is, we are all wondering that ourselves.

The funny thing is that people seem to think I am so brave to go over there, with all the uncertainty pertaining to the situation. To me, it wasn’t as if, after my life was turned downside up on the last holiday, I could have even thought of saying no.

Okay, think that should be enough for now. Will try and make a post each day, what with reason A for this blog being the mood diary.

P