Once More, With Feeling

Okay, so Mistress has indicated to me the real reason for this blog.  Less for a day to day morale check up as it were, it is more for me to (hopefully) unwind, tell her what is going on with me, and see how we go.  I was actually wanting to wait until I was There until it all came out.  I have this fear that I will hit against some sort of hard limit and be denied what I have been waiting for all this time.  Which would, frankly, devastate me.  But I have been told suppressing it all is making me miserable, is making Mistress worry about me, and she doesn't have the time for one of my trademarked meltdowns.

Once more into the breach, dear friends.

I may as well start off with a positive.  Friday evening I went out for dinner with one of Mistress' friends from over Here.  For the first time in weeks, I felt calm, composed, and looking forward to the evening with some sort of anticipation.  Here apart from that has been a series of emotional wihdrawals, from friends, from family, from work, that to have a sense of anticipation - when I was waiting for the bus to head to suburb where we were having dinner, I was smiling and bouncing on my toes even - was a delight.  Partially it was because C's friend knows a bit about what is going on, and perhaps more importantly, knows of the type of situation herself (she is a sub or slave I believe), that it was almost as if I had found a little corner of There to relax into for two hours.  As well as the fact that I was C's representative here, as she said later it was like I was an Honorary Consul or something.  The best two hours I have had Here for weeks.

Another positive, or series of them, is what I am holding onto until I get There.  The fact that Mistress loves me, she wants me over there, I make her happy, I make her proud.  And that she says that Sir is getting his head around the whole me going there thing, but that he is fine with it, apparently.  We do intend to live in the same household when I get there.  I am well aware that out of me having a new city, a new job, a newish set of relationships and living together with the two I am attempting to be with, that the living together would likely be the easiest thing to go.  And I am quite prepared, if that is the case, to move out and HOPEFULLY work on the relationships from a secondary residence.  If it hasn't all fallen apart by then of course.

Well, that paragraph turned from a positive to something with more equivocation.

Sir.  He usually always keeps me off kilter, without even trying.  He is so Alpha that sometimes I find it hard to breath around him - okay, that is somewhat of an exaggeration, but I am guessing you have figured out what I mean.  Mistress and I have had good effective communication for an extended period of time, but with Sir I feel I tend to struggle with even the small talk.  The situation is complicated because at the moment I can't just pick up the phone and say whatever to him, because of domestic-to-Sir reasons, which hasn't helped.  Almost all of what I am told about how Sir is okay with the situation, is happy for me to be there, and the rest, is relayed onto me by Mistress.  I fear that once I am over there, or even before, I will be shut out of stuff.  Not the stuff that directly impacts on the two of them, that is understandable, but for the stuff that impacts on me as well, and that - that freaks me out to tell the truth.  That SIr was only saying he was okay with me being there.

There is a difference between being a submissive and willingly giving up the free will and control and all of that, and the sense of not even being consulted over things.  Or did that sentence make any sort of sense at all?

Mistress was up front with me last week, saying she was unsure whether she could give me a full sexual relationship when I am over there and however things will go.  From that I am guessing she means penetration.  And that she won't have a problem with me fulfilling those needs elsewhere.  As long as full disclosure in both directions is given, I am guessing.  The relationship between me and Mistress will likely be sexual in parts, but not fully.  I have sort of reconciled myself to that, I think.  If she gets to flog me or leads me around on a leash from time to time, or her eyes light up when I throw a butt plug or strap on picture or hot porn vid into her email, that will likely e acceptable to me, with the thought of having 'permission slips' to play away as well.  And then I remember those brief moments of sexuality we have had to this point, watching her face as we misbehaved on webcam, kissing her breast for the shortest of times before I realised I hadn't asked Sir's permission, or kissing her mouth and tasting Sir's cum at another time.  Oh, and of course, being allowed to watch.  Yes, I think I can reconcile myself to that type of sexual without sex.  It certainly wasn't a big stonking stop sign when we discussed it last week.

I have no doubt that I will get a job when I am over there easily enough.  Nor that I will continue to charm the pants off the current circle of friends I have over There, nor that I will be able to charm more friends.  Those are positives.

I fear that if I play whatever cards I have wrong, I will lose my best friend.  And not in a give her a couple of weeks to cool down and contact her again later and it will be fine way, moreso as in a chased out of town with pitchforks style.  Or actually perhaps without pitchforks, I am a pain slut at times, and she doesn't reward bad behavour.  Yeah, attempted funny lol.

I would hate to lose my best friend, but at the same time, if it manages to work, which Mistress thinks it has a strong chance of doing, then omg the fireworks that would be going off in my brain when I realised that would be like Sydney at New Year's.  Times a thousand.  I have always been a glass half empty boy, almost always been that in fact, so me concentrating on the negatives is nothing really new.  But if the above is just me fearing things irrationally, omg the possibilities that could ensue...

I just want to keep making Mistress (and Sir) happy and proud of me.  And I hope I haven't ruined things by writing this - as another of my frinds has said to me, doubts are as legitimate as hopes, and communication needs to be on the negative as well as the positive things.  But I was trying to keep quiet about them until I was There.

tick tock, tick tock...

I am going to have to hit publish post ONE of these days on this one LOL.