Alone Again, Naturally

Yep, I have had THAT sort of day today.

One word for how the meds are affecting me is flattening my moods.  Another word that could be as accurate is deadening.  From memory to last year, the meds affected me like this in the first place, before settling down again.  One can but hope.  I think I had at least some good times last year, surely?

And then such a blah afternoon at work.  Just a sense of being taken for granted, we can just keep loading him up with more and more completely different jobs with everything urgent, she'll be right mate.  And then one of the bouncier happier workmates saying oh what did you do during the weekend, what are you doing tonight?  Not much, and likely vegeing in front of the television were the answers to both those question.

And then, leaving work.  My feet were dragging like blocks of concrete, as I contemplated home.  And it suddenly came to me, like a lightbulb moment.

I am lonely.

Why it hadn't clicked a while ago, I'm not sure.  There are some weekends where, apart from the service station or fast food store staff, I don't talk out loud for days.  There are some times between coming home at night and going to work in the morning that are similar, not speaking out loud for hours.

In the big scheme of things, it is such a short timeframe until I am There.  In the moment now, it seems forever away.  And what with Sir and Mistress starting doing things together, I think I am trying to take a couple of steps back, to let them have their space for a bit.  No matter how many times they deny it, I still feel that - hmm, irritation, not quite the word I was looking for.  No, this is not fishing for a denial or a gee up or anything, it is really what I feel at times.

Le sigh...