So yes, drinking on a school night. I mean, it had been an entire WEEK since I had seen one of my besties over Here. And she had had an *interesting* trip overseas, and she did have the duty free alcohol to polish off. One of the things she had gone over there to do was to divorce the ex. But, she didn't get around to it. She spent ninety percent of her holiday with him, and he apparently does a very good line in begging (when he has to). One of her friends gave her a book 'Men Who Hate Women, and the Women That Love Them'. Self help, I believe.
Had lunch with her earlier in the day, and she suggested going around to hers after work to have a go at the duty free. So we did, and there ended up being a group of five of us there, and it was fun. Missed the last bus/train home, so caught a taxi instead. I really should leave a couple of spare sets of clothes at that besties place, more often than not when I visit, I overnight. No, not in THAT way, on the couch, I mean. I had thoughts of more at one time, but a) bestie doesn't see me that way, and b) those thoughts were before I was anywhere near the rabbit hole with Mistress.
It helps me a bit though, when I have friends who need assistance. I am a good listener, when I get in that mindset (sometimes it takes a while), and it takes my mind off my issues. As I was mentioning over the weekend, it also gives a bit of perspective to my issues, which usually, in comparison, turn out to be non-issues. All told, I have had a pretty cruisy life thus far.
It helps me a bit though, when I have friends who need assistance. I am a good listener, when I get in that mindset (sometimes it takes a while), and it takes my mind off my issues. As I was mentioning over the weekend, it also gives a bit of perspective to my issues, which usually, in comparison, turn out to be non-issues. All told, I have had a pretty cruisy life thus far.
Was thinking yesterday, I may have found my niche in life. My teens and twenties were so full of self doubt, and worse. When I hit thirty, I thought that I no longer cared what people thought of what I did and how I did it, but in hindsight, I still needed approval from everyone. This year, between all the stuff that has happened in the 'real world' as well as the rabbit hole stuff, I believe I have finally realised I don't need everyone's approval, that I pick and choose my friends with more care than I used to, and that I can show my bad traits - well, some of them - to people without worrying that the genuine friends will run away screaming.
Of course, sometime down the track I might get complacent again, or scared or something, and go back into the old lazy habits. Or realise I am not as cured in the head as I think I am currently, but, for the most part, the depression has gone away, and that has to be some sort of personal growth. And Mistress has seen how I have grown since I first bumped into her, and I don't think she will let me regress.
By niche I mean, happy in the space I find myself in. I always knew deep down that I had submissive qualities, but to be around people that are fine with that, as per the munches over the weekend, that like me for the *true* me, and not some persona that I invented to try and play with the cool kids at work or anything. Am now wondering whether I invented the persona that I used to go out on dates and have relationships with? Interesting thought. I think I tried to be open and honest and all the rest in previous relationships, but, in the midst of wanting to avoid conflict with some of those partners, my well honed avoidance techniques took over sometimes, and once that starts, things start getting more and more convoluted. Plus, I think the relationships I have found myself in, the girls wanted an Alpha Male, which I definitely am not.
WIth Mistress, I could try putting up all the emotional walls on the planet, and she would look at me, or I would hear her voice on the phone, and all those walls would be as useful as tissue paper. I am sure she sees deep inside me, into my innermost places, the bad as well as the good, and she accepts me. No matter what I seem to do, I make her proud. When she says that, I know it is more than just a reassuring pat on the head, it is what she actually feels.
By niche I mean, happy in the space I find myself in. I always knew deep down that I had submissive qualities, but to be around people that are fine with that, as per the munches over the weekend, that like me for the *true* me, and not some persona that I invented to try and play with the cool kids at work or anything. Am now wondering whether I invented the persona that I used to go out on dates and have relationships with? Interesting thought. I think I tried to be open and honest and all the rest in previous relationships, but, in the midst of wanting to avoid conflict with some of those partners, my well honed avoidance techniques took over sometimes, and once that starts, things start getting more and more convoluted. Plus, I think the relationships I have found myself in, the girls wanted an Alpha Male, which I definitely am not.
WIth Mistress, I could try putting up all the emotional walls on the planet, and she would look at me, or I would hear her voice on the phone, and all those walls would be as useful as tissue paper. I am sure she sees deep inside me, into my innermost places, the bad as well as the good, and she accepts me. No matter what I seem to do, I make her proud. When she says that, I know it is more than just a reassuring pat on the head, it is what she actually feels.
I actually have tried avoidance techniques with her, and they never worked - of course, that was before I realised how fully down the rabbit hole I was. The last paragraph was a bit of a rabbit hole moment as well, by the way. My eyes may have had tears in them, realising about the whole acceptance thing.
Might be an opportune time to mention that on a trawl through the interwebz yesterday, I saw a guy who has a tattoo saying he is Owned. My eyes grew wide, like an anime character. I'm not sure whether I actually *want*, but it certainly is an intriguing concept. As my fingers move almost unconsciously to stroke the studs on my collar...
Hmm, where is the postcard shop around here. *My sub went down the rabbit hole and all he got me was this tshirt* indeed. LOL LOL
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