Some thoughts I jotted down while I was at work.
It must be good to be the sort of person who can pick and choose which Christmas parties to go to. To be so popular that to go to the work party would be the one function that you can ditch, either through exhaustion of parties or because you don't like work that much. Hey, news alert people, this is my Christmas socialising all in one bundle LOL.
I wonder what it would be like to be the centre of a social universe. How does one become popular anyways? I need to work on my socialising skills a bit more, be a lot less standoffish, get off the wall, in a wall flower sense. I know I can socialise well enough, but I have never been near the centre of such a universe, always been on the outskirts of any particular galaxy, or, when not in socialising mode, I put my head down and avoid interactions - either at work or on a personal level.
Accepting going to the movies by myself was one of the worst habits I could have fallen into. Well, that and making fun of myself before anyone else had a chance.
I stopped myself for a minute, and was worried that I was building this Friday party up as much as the school ball at high school. That really made me think for all of the thirty seconds personal time I was allowed that hour LOL - no, all kidding aside, as long as I can recognise that concern, I can avoid overblown expectations, as happened in high school. As if a good formal would have made me popular, especially after an initial nervous breakdown, pfft, what was I thinking?
Should I go back to a shrink? I think I have more of a handle on things than I did eighteen months ago, but still, any form of positive reinforcement, and the possibility of minimising if not slaying the personal demons, insecurity blah blah, any on top of what I am doing myself would be good I think. And, at the moment, I would be able to afford it myself...
Am I too caught up in the Big Picture when I should be worrying more about the local or personal level? I am sure all my blog readers are aware of how much I worry about what is going on in Washington DC, Baghdad, even Canberra, on a high level, geopolitical sense. Was thinking today do I go on about that too much and neglect Brisbane, the community, my friends? I really should get around to doing personalised letter type emails to mates rather than the here's a funny story group emails. And, on the 'community' kind of level, I don't know, maybe I could join clubs or something.
Yes, the joining club chestnut, slow news day, it comes up once every two or three months LOL.
There is a lolly jar at work. I supply most of the lollies that go into said jar. Is that my niche in the workplace I wonder, the 'lolly boy'? Not the centre of the social universe, not the talker, not the organiser, but the lolly boy. Not a very rewarding niche to find myself in. The rest of the time, I keep my head down, socialise little - in the office at least - and try to avoid attention.
How the heck did it come to this? My personality I mean. I doubt I will ever be an Alpha Male, but come on, this need to please, to be liked, but also to avoid attention, I mean, it's got me twisted up in knots enough anyways. And for those of you positive reinforcers who think I shouldn't doubt being Maverick instead of Goose, I originally wrote I will never be Alpha - going to doubt is still a positive upgrade lol.
Feeling the urge to void my stomach - I recognised that as a measure of self loathing today. Hadn't really analysed it before. I just feel I am a huge ball of insecurities, and an intense fear of being disliked or, maybe even worse, ignored. But I go around trying to avoid attention - is a vicious cycle.
The endless background hum of hundreds of customers calling in. Day after day, after day. Yeah, I have hit the enthusiasm wall early this week.
I allowed my mind to wander a bit today, no kidding I hear you say with the above rambling, but I started remembering the outlines of the devastation that was Belfast. Yeah, I had a lot of time on my hands today. Or maybe I just wasn't concentrating on work.
Two tickets to the A League soccer next week were the prize for a lottery at work - lottery in the sense of express an interest and five staff will get tickets. I thought of expressing interest, but then who would I take with me?
Yeah, it was a very downer day today. Hopefully tomorrow is more of an upper.
Oh, and Michelle Leslie should just go away, marry her millionaire boyfriend, and stay out of the public eye as much as possible. So she has been overseas and done drugs - who the heck hasn't? I don't see all the magazines, newspapers and TV shows beating down my door to offer an exclusive deal. I would rant more, but then I would be encouraging publicity seeking...
More tomorrow
Pauly
It must be good to be the sort of person who can pick and choose which Christmas parties to go to. To be so popular that to go to the work party would be the one function that you can ditch, either through exhaustion of parties or because you don't like work that much. Hey, news alert people, this is my Christmas socialising all in one bundle LOL.
I wonder what it would be like to be the centre of a social universe. How does one become popular anyways? I need to work on my socialising skills a bit more, be a lot less standoffish, get off the wall, in a wall flower sense. I know I can socialise well enough, but I have never been near the centre of such a universe, always been on the outskirts of any particular galaxy, or, when not in socialising mode, I put my head down and avoid interactions - either at work or on a personal level.
Accepting going to the movies by myself was one of the worst habits I could have fallen into. Well, that and making fun of myself before anyone else had a chance.
I stopped myself for a minute, and was worried that I was building this Friday party up as much as the school ball at high school. That really made me think for all of the thirty seconds personal time I was allowed that hour LOL - no, all kidding aside, as long as I can recognise that concern, I can avoid overblown expectations, as happened in high school. As if a good formal would have made me popular, especially after an initial nervous breakdown, pfft, what was I thinking?
Should I go back to a shrink? I think I have more of a handle on things than I did eighteen months ago, but still, any form of positive reinforcement, and the possibility of minimising if not slaying the personal demons, insecurity blah blah, any on top of what I am doing myself would be good I think. And, at the moment, I would be able to afford it myself...
Am I too caught up in the Big Picture when I should be worrying more about the local or personal level? I am sure all my blog readers are aware of how much I worry about what is going on in Washington DC, Baghdad, even Canberra, on a high level, geopolitical sense. Was thinking today do I go on about that too much and neglect Brisbane, the community, my friends? I really should get around to doing personalised letter type emails to mates rather than the here's a funny story group emails. And, on the 'community' kind of level, I don't know, maybe I could join clubs or something.
Yes, the joining club chestnut, slow news day, it comes up once every two or three months LOL.
There is a lolly jar at work. I supply most of the lollies that go into said jar. Is that my niche in the workplace I wonder, the 'lolly boy'? Not the centre of the social universe, not the talker, not the organiser, but the lolly boy. Not a very rewarding niche to find myself in. The rest of the time, I keep my head down, socialise little - in the office at least - and try to avoid attention.
How the heck did it come to this? My personality I mean. I doubt I will ever be an Alpha Male, but come on, this need to please, to be liked, but also to avoid attention, I mean, it's got me twisted up in knots enough anyways. And for those of you positive reinforcers who think I shouldn't doubt being Maverick instead of Goose, I originally wrote I will never be Alpha - going to doubt is still a positive upgrade lol.
Feeling the urge to void my stomach - I recognised that as a measure of self loathing today. Hadn't really analysed it before. I just feel I am a huge ball of insecurities, and an intense fear of being disliked or, maybe even worse, ignored. But I go around trying to avoid attention - is a vicious cycle.
The endless background hum of hundreds of customers calling in. Day after day, after day. Yeah, I have hit the enthusiasm wall early this week.
I allowed my mind to wander a bit today, no kidding I hear you say with the above rambling, but I started remembering the outlines of the devastation that was Belfast. Yeah, I had a lot of time on my hands today. Or maybe I just wasn't concentrating on work.
Two tickets to the A League soccer next week were the prize for a lottery at work - lottery in the sense of express an interest and five staff will get tickets. I thought of expressing interest, but then who would I take with me?
Yeah, it was a very downer day today. Hopefully tomorrow is more of an upper.
Oh, and Michelle Leslie should just go away, marry her millionaire boyfriend, and stay out of the public eye as much as possible. So she has been overseas and done drugs - who the heck hasn't? I don't see all the magazines, newspapers and TV shows beating down my door to offer an exclusive deal. I would rant more, but then I would be encouraging publicity seeking...
More tomorrow
Pauly
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