Postponement

Well, I was supposed to have a job interview today, but it got delayed until tomorrow.  The fact that I didn't have the timing confirmed until the middle of the afternoon meant that there was a heckuva lot of nervous energy wasted today.  I could 'study' up on how I can interview, but really, this role is close enough to what I am doing now, that if I can't just do it naturally, then I shouldn't even be thinking of staying with my existing company.  Truth be told, I do look further afield from time to time, but this would just be such an easy way of getting There earlier.

Not much else happening with the day.  I had the end of year annual review, which I sailed through.  Even when I have bosses I don't really get on with, they still seem to love me hahaha.

Oh, and Sir rescinded his Ownership of me earlier in the week.  Back to less than being Owned.  I was a bit - confused, I think is the best word about it, and I was all ready to vent a bit about it on here, but then other things have cropped up this week, and it hasn't been the end of the world or anything, and really, it isn't worth venting over.  He sent me an email, trying to explain himself - he hadn't thought through the whole enormity us subs put on being Owned and such.  And labels not being important and such.  Ah well, something to work on when I am There, as I always thought it would be, to be honest.

Oh, and am planning on having coffee with one of the 'new friends' over the weekend.  No, not the new friends from Tuesday night, but rather new friends as in the, for want of a better word, scene.  Ugh, I dislike that word, but coffee could be fun and good.

Interesting Times

So, on Monday night Mistress said she needed me There, and to hurry up and find a job and get there asap.

Tuesday night I had a girl in my bed.

The dichotomy of that is making me grin stupidly.  Nothing sexual happened with Tuesday's girl, and she slept fully clothed, but it was fun.  And I told Mistress about it almost as soon as I could, and her reaction went along the lines of 'woot!'  And what makes it funnier was that the girl was almost a random.  I had gone to have a taco and beer with one of my mates at one of the Tuesday Taco Special kinda bars Here, and one beer became another.  And then we stuck around to hear the band.  And then we met new friends, and my friend had to go, but I stuck around because I was having fun with the newbies.

We hit it off very well, despite the fact that she kept saying she had a girlfriend (heck, I am going There soon enough, so it was all out on the table and all).  She kept saying it because one of the other newbie people kept saying that we looked a lovely couple together - well, we have just met about an hour ago actually.  Looked at the time, missed the last train, again, and new friend suggested getting pizza and heading home.

Now, it wasn't until she got in my taxi, she lives in the opposite direction from the central city from me, that I realised the evening had taken an interesting turn.  She was so enthusiastic about putting together an interesting array of pizza slices as well, just before the taxi.  The first time I have ever used that cliched line, 'your place or mine?'  which then proceeded to me fretting about how messy my place was.

It was a fun night, we ate pizza, and put Con Air on the DVD player, and talked, and got comfortable around each other, and realised at almost 2am that she said, you have work in the morning, let's go to bed.  In the sleeping next to each other sense, nothing more.  Too tired, too drunk, too late in the evening for more.  It was bliss though, to wake up and be able to cuddle someone in my bed - it's a rarity, me sharing that part of the household.  Heck, it's a rarity me having visitors lol.  And my arm curling around her body.  And light kisses against her shoulder.  Not a sexual thing at all, but a comfort, if that makes sense.

I got out of bed earlier than normal in the morning, did a quick clean of the bomb site, and got myself ready earlier than usual just in case she wanted a shower or something.  But she dozed until I woke her to say I would have to leave for work soon - she was on holidays.  And then she made me a bit late, by getting up to have water with me - yeah, I was caught out on not having milk for coffee.  Really though, it could have been worse.  Got her number, did the we will have to do this again sometime.  Got told that I was especially smiley the night before - A Girl!  A Hot Girl!  In My House!  And She LIkes Me!!  OMG OMG OMG.  Yeah, something like that I think was going through my head to make me smiley.

And then let her stay in the place as I headed to work.  She needed to do some more waking up.

I got on the phone to Mistress to tell her as much of it as early-morning-Mistress can take.  And the aforementioned woot.  And then, an hour or so later, I got a second woot of the day from her - I have a job interview for my current employer over There.  They don't just 'do' internal transfers, you actually have to apply and interview like anyone else, gah.  But that will be some excitement for tomorrow, video conferencing, ugh.

Now, methinks I need to catch up on some sleep.  Was lovely being next to the new her last night, but I did only get about five hours sleep all up.  Not sure whether we will catch up again, but it was fun, and it would be fun to see her a second time, maybe as a leaving Here party thing.

Dizzy Spell

I was feeling dizzy at work today, so I came home halfway through it.  It is the type of dizziness which comes on more when I try to concentrate, and the easiest way I find to deal with it is just to vege out.  It is a bit of a worry, because when I do feel that type of dizziness, it can sometimes be a precursor to a seizure - I am epileptic.  And then, when I was on the train home, I realised my dizzy spells and epilepsy tends to come out more when I am stressed, which, not to put too fine a point on it, there is a sense of nervous tension around lately.

When I was with one of my other relationships, and when it started going seriously wrong, I had three seizures in three months.  Not that I am saying that the situation with Sir and Mistress over There is anything like that particular relationship - I know the warning signs of that partner's personality, so that hopefully I avoid that type in future - but yes, there are aspects of nervous tension around.

Or it could have just been a physiological reaction to what I got up to on Saturday night.  Went to a kink themed club night - kink 'themed'?  Heck, it was a kink club, so yeah, anyways - and I volunteered for audience participation.  Specifically, to get flogged.  My friends could see me keeping looking at the cross, and they said well if you want to, go for it.  So, after ten minutes of grinding my teeth and biting my lip, I went up and was second in line.  Texted Mistress to tell her what I was up to, and I got a 'squee!' in return - love it when that happens.

And then, the first guy up, just, he must have a high pain threshold, because he just kept getting whacked harder and harder, and then the electrodes came out - I grit my teeth at electricity play, I don't think it is really my thing at all - but after a while of this, I just emptied my mind and went into pain slut mode, so I kinda just zoned out how hard the hits were getting.  Well, most of them, some were extremely thwacky.

Just before I got up, I sent Mistress a text reassuring her that I wouldn't have volunteered if I didn't have people there who I thought could take care of me if necessary, and I did tell the guy doing it, as I was getting handcuffed to the cross, that I was pretty well just at beginner level.  He said he would ramp the pain up slowly, and gave me an easy way of stopping it if I needed to.  I just think I was possibly cuffed a little too high on the cross, I had to keep readjusting my feet and legs, to get in the vicinity of a comfortable position.  Relatively speaking, I mean LOL.

And the blindfold.  I had a vicious grin when he put that on me.  And apparently, a session with fingernails from TWO MONTHS AGO, I still have the marks on my back from that.  Not just scratches, they may well damned have become scars.  The person who did that was well pleased that the marks are still there - no, it wasn't Sir nor Mistress lol.  And then the guy did fingernails and floggers and paddles.  We did get to my 'in public' pain threshold, but it took a while, and my back was well red, and two days later the welts are coming up nicely.  I was well blissed out, even with just the fingernails work.

Well worth the price of admission.

I didn't hit subspace at all, primarily, and I only realised this in hindsight, because my Doms weren't there.  And there is a big difference between being service topped and being dominated by Important People, as I discovered.  I was shaky and I was quiet afterwards, but I wasn't weak on my feet to the point of collapsing into bed like the time Sir and Mistress had a go at me.  Nothing that I actually needed aftercare for.

I felt sorry for one of my mates, she is the sub in that relationship, and her Dom, also a friend of mine, won't let her wear a collar, nor would let her get up on the cross.  As I was trying to sympathise with her as she had a cigarette, the friend said 'smug isn't a good look, blissed out I can handle'.  Damn, I never try to look smug.

It was an interesting night.  The whole gamut of fashion, from full latex bodysuits to panties and boots and not much more.  Was interesting, there were a few girls around the place, either up on equipment or in darkened corners, who were kind of, I dunno, it seemed showing off, playing to the audience or whatever.  Now usually, I am among the first to perve on girls who aren't wearing much of anything, but, it, just felt awkward, I think is the best word.  For me, kink is about a personal connection or experience or whatever, it isn't about putting on a show or seeing if you can shock anyone, and also whether I was just still a bit blissy to be in perve mode is a valid question as well.

There was one girl, being raked with those metal fingernail thingies by some Dom, in a pair of leopard print panties and nothing else, and there was a guy, sixty if he was a day, in a suit, leering over her.  I think that kinda put me off going on a bit of an exploration of the club, and I stuck close to the friends after that point.

Or did that just come across all snobby?  There are a million fetishes, and a million versions of kink, but I guess, yeah that's it, exhibitionism isn't my own personal thing.  Unless, you know, personal connection of some sort or another.

It was funny.  I went to the club expecting to have my eyes wide open and all, but it just seemed a bit blase.  And it made me miss There even more than I do already.

So yes, whether the dizzy spells today were a reaction to the bliss out endorphins leaving over the last 48 hours, not sure.  More likely just a migraine or whatever, but it is an interesting hypothesis LOL. 

Late Last Night

I awoke, without the comforting feel of weight on my neck.  I reached to my throat, and realised I wasn't wearing The Collar.  A brief moment of panic ensued, thinking where is it, and what would Mistress think?  As I battled towards wakefulness, I realised I was at my parent's house, and there is no way that The Collar will be making a show and tell there anytime this lifetime.  I was still unsettled though.

This morning, in the fully awake world, saw that Sir had asserted actual Ownership over me on a website.  Was surprised that he had decided to do so before I got over There, and surprised that it was he rather than Mistress that made that step first.  Not that for a minute I don't consider she Owns me already, but to have it out in public like it is with Sir, hmm.

I was talking to her this afternoon, late this afternoon, and she said she needs to think about it before taking the step that Sir did.  Which wasn't really a surprise, the thinking over things bit, the surprise, the shock was what Sir did.  But, the completist in me, wanting to make everything lines up the same, was a tad disappointed that I'm not Owned by them both yet.

Mistress is struggling at the moment.  And some of the things I have said to her the last couple of days haven't helped.  Which kinda makes me want to jump back in the box and not come out again for days, but that's not the answer.  Especially not when I am trying to be a better partner/sub/whatever for her.

Another kink related social gathering this evening.  Hopefully will be fun.  Mistress said not to let any strange people harm me, otherwise she and Sir would have to come over Here and kick some butt.  Which kinda made me feel better, after disappointing her earlier on in the conversation.

LDRs

Two questions I have had over the last couple of days.  How to be a better partner to Mistress, and how to be a better sub to her as well.  

I see the two answers being different, though generally correlating. I have thought of those two questions as I had a bit of a freak out earlier in the week, that the last blog entry kinda sorta turned into.  Mistress does not need me falling off a cliff at the moment, or being weak or any of that.  It is kind of funny, with the relationship the way it is, that I try to be the strong, stable one, sort of a rock for the others to be able to always depend on, and I can’t be that if I meltdown every couple of days.  I used to think dependability was dead boring, but it has its place in the world, even the D/s world.

But it is the WAITING.  It is taking SO LONG.  It seems forever since I have hugged her in reality.  You can give all the air kisses and the virtual hugs in emails and texts and over the phone that you want, but they still have nothing on the feel of your partner’s body under your fingertips - and yes, I am still just thinking of hugs here.  Get your minds out of the gutter lol.

As I may have mentioned before, Sir has actually finally moved in with Mistress, and sometimes I feel silly still giving her the wake up calls, when he is right in bed next to her.  Especially when he wakes up and pokes or tickles her.  Just being able to reach across and do that, le sigh.  It’s not jealousy, I killed that off a long time ago in this situation, more a sense of longing, or something, for similar moments of love and caring and silliness and all the rest.

How the fuck did I end up in another Long Distance Relationship?  Why was I never able to meet a ‘nice girl’ Here?  Not that I would trade in Mistress for ANYONE over Here now that we have met, but, yes, LDRs.  They suck.  Ah well, I have a set date to make it a Short Distance Relationship, and I am going to work on a timetable the next couple of days, that I can work many countdowns into, not just to the flight.  And trying to keep busy, while trying to save money at the same time.

And who knows, Something might drop out of the sky and hurry my plans up.  A job, for instance.

Also, with the wanting to be a better partner and sub, I am thinking that because I want to be the best I can be for her.  I want to improve myself as much as I can, for her.  It is a bit of a cliche, but she makes me want to be a better person.  In previous relationships, I think I was happy enough being who I was at the time, but didn't really have the appetite to improve for the partner.  This time around, I do, and whether it is specifically the D/s bleeding into the rest of the relationship, I'm not sure.

Is It A Pout? Is It A Scowl?

So yes, the flat moods have gone.  My body seems to have adjusted to the meds again, which is good in and of itself.  The emotions are back, and in amongst the happiness of going out and seeing friends and the rest, there is also a bit of frustration that I am trying to shove to the back as well.

But, part of the purpose of this blog is to have a neutral place where I can vent anonymously, so, as I roll my eyes at how negative this could sound, here goes.  Mistress is going through one of her busy phases again, and I am only talking to her maybe once a day currently - no, I discount the early morning calls, because it is hard enough to get her out of bed, let alone having a lucid conversation.  No texts, no emails, no comments on here even.  And most of the time when we do talk, it is the bland laundry list of how was your day etc.  Which is nice, but I spent years in previous relationships on those kind of conversations, and those never went anywhere.

It is funny in a way.  She has calmed me down enough to reassure me that everything will be fine when I get there, but suddenly the here and now is something to fret about.  Or am I just seeing mountains where mole hills are?

I just kind of feel left on the shelf at the moment.

No, I am not going to melt down or anything, and I am in this for the long haul, but yeah, just had to put some thoughts down on paper, as it were.

It Was Worth It

So yes, drinking on a school night.  I mean, it had been an entire WEEK since I had seen one of my besties over Here.  And she had had an *interesting* trip overseas, and she did have the duty free alcohol to polish off.  One of the things she had gone over there to do was to divorce the ex.  But, she didn't get around to it.  She spent ninety percent of her holiday with him, and he apparently does a very good line in begging (when he has to).  One of her friends gave her a book 'Men Who Hate Women, and the Women That Love Them'.  Self help, I believe.

Had lunch with her earlier in the day, and she suggested going around to hers after work to have a go at the duty free.  So we did, and there ended up being a group of five of us there, and it was fun.  Missed the last bus/train home, so caught a taxi instead.  I really should leave a couple of spare sets of clothes at that besties place, more often than not when I visit, I overnight.  No, not in THAT way, on the couch, I mean.  I had thoughts of more at one time, but a) bestie doesn't see me that way, and b) those thoughts were before I was anywhere near the rabbit hole with Mistress.

It helps me a bit though, when I have friends who need assistance.  I am a good listener, when I get in that mindset (sometimes it takes a while), and it takes my mind off my issues.  As I was mentioning over the weekend, it also gives a bit of perspective to my issues, which usually, in comparison, turn out to be non-issues.  All told, I have had a pretty cruisy life thus far.

Was thinking yesterday, I may have found my niche in life.  My teens and twenties were so full of self doubt, and worse.  When I hit thirty, I thought that I no longer cared what people thought of what I did and how I did it, but in hindsight, I still needed approval from everyone.  This year, between all the stuff that has happened in the 'real world' as well as the rabbit hole stuff, I believe I have finally realised I don't need everyone's approval, that I pick and choose my friends with more care than I used to, and that I can show my bad traits - well, some of them - to people without worrying that the genuine friends will run away screaming.

Of course, sometime down the track I might get complacent again, or scared or something, and go back into the old lazy habits.  Or realise I am not as cured in the head as I think I am currently, but, for the most part, the depression has gone away, and that has to be some sort of personal growth.  And Mistress has seen how I have grown since I first bumped into her, and I don't think she will let me regress. 

By niche I mean, happy in the space I find myself in.  I always knew deep down that I had submissive qualities, but to be around people that are fine with that, as per the munches over the weekend, that like me for the *true* me, and not some persona that I invented to try and play with the cool kids at work or anything.  Am now wondering whether I invented the persona that I used to go out on dates and have relationships with?  Interesting thought.  I think I tried to be open and honest and all the rest in previous relationships, but, in the midst of wanting to avoid conflict with some of those partners, my well honed avoidance techniques took over sometimes, and once that starts, things start getting more and more convoluted.  Plus, I think the relationships I have found myself in, the girls wanted an Alpha Male, which I definitely am not. 

WIth Mistress, I could try putting up all the emotional walls on the planet, and she would look at me, or I would hear her voice on the phone, and all those walls would be as useful as tissue paper.  I am sure she sees deep inside me, into my innermost places, the bad as well as the good, and she accepts me.  No matter what I seem to do, I make her proud.  When she says that, I know it is more than just a reassuring pat on the head, it is what she actually feels.

I actually have tried avoidance techniques with her, and they never worked - of course, that was before I realised how fully down the rabbit hole I was.  The last paragraph was a bit of a rabbit hole moment as well, by the way.  My eyes may have had tears in them, realising about the whole acceptance thing.

Might be an opportune time to mention that on a trawl through the interwebz yesterday, I saw a guy who has a tattoo saying he is Owned.  My eyes grew wide, like an anime character.  I'm not sure whether I actually *want*, but it certainly is an intriguing concept.  As my fingers move almost unconsciously to stroke the studs on my collar...

Hmm, where is the postcard shop around here.  *My sub went down the rabbit hole and all he got me was this tshirt* indeed.  LOL LOL 

Munch The Second

So yes, two munches in the region in two days.  Today's one I wasn't so social at, primarily because one of the couples there I have been wanting to meet for months, and I finally got around to doing so.  I could have met them last month, but in my mind I had a scheduling clash, whereas Mistress told me I just chickened out.  Hey, it is a fair hike to get to that location, so I have to mentally prepare for months in advance for it hahaha.

But yes, the couple in question had also waited months to catch up with me, and it was a lovely lunch catch up.  Very very relaxed with those two, they are a lovely couple, and also did small talk with the rest of the group up my end of the table.  Reasonable lunch, chicken kiev if you were wondering, and a fair few beers.  As one half of the lovely couple said, he couldn't let me go home, getting on the train straight.

I thought we had ascertained I was bi?  LOL, bad joke, sorry.

One thing about the meet ups I have had the last two days is that a lot of the people were coupled up.  Which kinda sorta made me miss Mistress.  Which then led me to thinking that even when I am There, my place with Mistress and Sir won't be a 'couple' dynamic.  Which then leads to my brain exploding with over complicating things, and me rocking back and forth concentrating on them reassuring me everything will be alright.

I make her proud.

I make her happy.

She loves me.

She wants me over there.

Those are things to concentrate on.  As for Sir, I hope he respects me, I hope he sees me as a positive, and I hope he sees that I add something to the overall situation.  As I believe I have stated before, the Sir and I communication thing needs a lot more work to get to the communication two way that Mistress and I have.

Munch

The first thing she said to me today - 'Are you having fun?'

With a sense of concern in her voice.  It's hard to describe how that sort of thing reassures me and cheers me up.  Another couple of things that help me out are when she says, whenever I have the hint of a meltdown, that everything will be alright, everything will work out.  And the thought that even when she is too busy to actually talk to or message me, she is thinking of me.  Which she has actually said before, it's not just my overactive imagination.

So, yes, actually had a munch Here, or at least in the region.  And have another one scheduled tomorrow, but on today's one.  Was nice.  Met a few new potential friends, and was a lunch at a cafe, so it was nice.  No kink on show, unless you were listening in on some of the conversations too closely.  Most of the conversations were everyday topics.  Was good to get out of the house and be in a group - and, dare I say it, to be in a group and out and about, and away from a pub.  Not that I have done too much pubbing lately either, but you know what I mean.

That part of the region was hit by a natural disaster several months ago, and hit hard.  Was talking to one of the new friends, who had lost almost everything, and had been thinking of things she had forgotten she had lost from the time of the disaster to until a month ago.  I was in full listening mode today, rather than putting my life story out there myself, and it made me think, the whole stressing about moving There and wondering whether the relationship situation will work, is actually small beer in the whole things to stress about jackpot.  A bit of perspective perhaps was needed.

Accentuate the positive, indeed.

Frustrating

Sometimes beer o'clock on a Friday evening can't come quick enough.  Was a pig of a day in the office today, as was thrown into a task today that I really really need a refresher course on.  Like, I can wing it for an hour or two a day, but for the whole day, I really really need some sort of retraining.  Anyways.

It has been too long since I was There.  I am concentrating more on the practical of getting There, than the emotional of how There makes me feel.  I am trying to be a bit quiet, to give Sir and Mistress a bit of space as they get used to living together.  The meds could be flattening out my moods a bit too much as well.

Ah well, I have a bit on this weekend, Here.  Hopefully that will recharge my batteries.  Counting the seconds can be a bit painful.  And I really feel as if I need to write a bit more than just short entries, as I have been lately.

Something New To Fret About

I need to eat healthier.  I need to lose weight.  Yeah, yeah, I know, it could be a two minute wonder, but it gave me something to think about today rather than just how long it is until I get there.  And getting healthier would be good.  I eat far too much processed food.

And, in a sense of bad news, good news, Vancouver losing the Stanley Cup means that I am not having a mass hallucination this year.  If I was then EVERYTHING would be turning out right.  And, in a sense, and call me silly for thinking that way, but if the Canucks couldn't win, then it feels as if other things have more of a chance of going right.  It is sport, it is emotion, it doesn't make sense, I know.

Have been trying to avoid thinking of that friend who ditched me yesterday, and what her reasons for that ditching could be.  Another mate said it was quite clear, she wasn't pissed off at you, she was just worn out.  And she was civilised in how she said it.  I guess it was just another moment here I took it with a bit too much emotion, rather than the cold logic that others can see it with.

Another non descript day at work.  Forgettable.  Getting told I did three things wrong, but really, water off a duck's back at the moment.  I know, I know, I should care more about work, especially if I get an internal transfer to There, but, I don't.

As I was saying to Mistress a short time ago, I am off the flatness that I was on a few days ago, but rather I am Over It.  Time is going sooooooooo slowly.  I really need to find some stuff to occupy my time, and that I can get enthusiastic about.  I have two catch ups with possible new friends over the weekend, so I think I will get enthused about that.

God I hope something speeds up the getting There process.

Up, and Down

Good Venga Boys lyric.  Or have I got the correct crime against music parolees lol.

So yes, up as in the sense of not as down as yesterday.  Also up in the sense of applying for three internal positions There with current company.  Two of which are basically what I do Here, but in a different part of the company.  Wouldn't say I would be an automatic selection, but definite probability of shortlisting wouldn't be showing too much ego, I think.

Then the down.  A friendship I have been working on for hmm, at least six months now, has come to a shuddering halt.  Against the metaphorical brick wall.  Apparently it is too draining being a friend with me, and this person couldn't find the energy or will to continue.  And this was completely out of the blue, private message on facebook, I was like WTF.

Am trying to resist analysing what I could have done better, but the later the night has gone on, the more my mind begins to drift in that direction.  Could be a good time to head to bed to sleep, perhaps.

Alone Again, Naturally

Yep, I have had THAT sort of day today.

One word for how the meds are affecting me is flattening my moods.  Another word that could be as accurate is deadening.  From memory to last year, the meds affected me like this in the first place, before settling down again.  One can but hope.  I think I had at least some good times last year, surely?

And then such a blah afternoon at work.  Just a sense of being taken for granted, we can just keep loading him up with more and more completely different jobs with everything urgent, she'll be right mate.  And then one of the bouncier happier workmates saying oh what did you do during the weekend, what are you doing tonight?  Not much, and likely vegeing in front of the television were the answers to both those question.

And then, leaving work.  My feet were dragging like blocks of concrete, as I contemplated home.  And it suddenly came to me, like a lightbulb moment.

I am lonely.

Why it hadn't clicked a while ago, I'm not sure.  There are some weekends where, apart from the service station or fast food store staff, I don't talk out loud for days.  There are some times between coming home at night and going to work in the morning that are similar, not speaking out loud for hours.

In the big scheme of things, it is such a short timeframe until I am There.  In the moment now, it seems forever away.  And what with Sir and Mistress starting doing things together, I think I am trying to take a couple of steps back, to let them have their space for a bit.  No matter how many times they deny it, I still feel that - hmm, irritation, not quite the word I was looking for.  No, this is not fishing for a denial or a gee up or anything, it is really what I feel at times.

Le sigh...

As For My Actual Day Today

Has been a replay of last Sunday basically.  Without the duvet around me on the couch.  I have had the couch and the computer and the television.  Lazy day.  Needed to do a couple of job applications but didn't get to them (as I pout at my own laziness).

Oh, and I feel the medication is flattening my moods, rather than just getting rid of the negatives.  At the moment I want the highs.  Though, to be fair to the pills, there's not much to be high about around Here.  Almost all the positives are over There.  And that's not talking up There, it is just a statement of fact.

I don't feel as alive over Here as I used to, even when I was in the rut I was in.  I have been Here seven years, and that may be a couple of years too long.  And why oh why in all that time was I unable to find a girl I could date over here???  All that time everyone said 'oh, look for someone in your own city' and it just NEVER happened.  What's that all about?  And in my previous city, which is my hometown, I only got friends rather than dates.

Oh, wait, there was this one blind date that I remember, back when mobile phones were just becoming popular, and I hadn't quite figured out the oh I am just texting a friend trick.  As in, to SAVE HER from my utter boredomness.  Ah well, that was during the time of my meltdown after first truly madly deeply imploded.  At least, I think it was.  Failed relationships, I could write three or four books on them.  But, this is where I am supposed to be endlessly positive and in love and all the rest of it.  And submissive.  LOL, if only I had realised that side of me YEARS ago.  It has been trying to get out for DECADES it seems.

But then, if I had realised it years ago, I wouldn't have made the journey to this point in time.  I likely would not have met Mistress, or even if I had (somehow), would not have been making the journey to be with her and Sir.

As a good friend said to me a couple of weeks ago, if I hadn't gone through my romantic disasters, I wouldn't be the person I am today.  I guess that is a good thing?

Oh, and somewhat of a postscript, talked to Mistress today.  She said she had discussed some of the things she and I have discussed with Sir - she didn't give specifics, I didn't ask - and she said that Sir agreed that I would have to do something totally insanely out of character for me to be given the boot from There.  It is quite funny how their vision of a worst case scenario, is to me - well, I don't want to calculate it down to statistics or anything.  Their worst case scenario is almost everything I would hope for.

I am doing my utmost not to pull my age old trick of self sabotage.  I am sure Sir and Mistress will forbid me of that option, anyway. 

Logic and Emotion

I should be looking at job ads, but instead I am trying to work up enthusiasm for another blog post.  This is something I thought of a few days ago, so one thing I have learned with having ideas, is that the longer you sit on them, the more difficult it is to verbalise them.  And the television is distracting, I don't even watch Community in 'real life' - why does daytime television distract us in ways primetime doesn't?  Anyways, that dilemma is for another post methinks.

With Mistress, Sir, There and everything else on the agenda, my Logical and Emotional sides are not seeing eye to eye.  They were in lock step until my first visit There, and then Logic Self was going to be the perfect tourist, do activities as set down on the itinerary, and meet up with my best friend.  Best friend then put spanner in works by opening my eyes and mind to my innate submissiveness.  I say 'spanner in works' in the most bestest possible way of course.  And for the first time in a long long time, my Emotional Self began to diverge from Logic.

Am not going to go through a blow by blow rundown of the past few months - rather than analyse, I think it is best to think things through from where we are now, rather than try to pinpoint the actual timeline of best friend to submissive to falling in love - as I pause letting those last three words sink in.  So yes, from where we are now.

Logic Self is thinking OMG OMG WTF at how things have gone.  At how much I have compromised already, even before getting There.  At how on earth things can work out with all the complications that are in the way.  At how unusual the situation is, at how many things that could go wrong.

Emotional Self is relaxed, almost too relaxed about it all.  To him, it is a simple Yes/No response to whether it will work.  Either it will, or it won't.  Whereas Logic is seeing every single micro action or decision as a possible logjam.  Emotional has been absent for so long from my primary decision making that he is saying let me have a go in the driving seat for a while, it has been forever since I have felt this way.

Actually, the longer this goes on, the more I feel that I have NEVER felt this way.  My first truly madly deeply went wrong all too quickly, and since then, I have had a rebound, a psuedo relationship, and a friend with benefits, the latter of which could have been more, but just wasn't.  We were better as a relationship interstate than in person, dammit.  No, actually, that doesn't quite equate with ALL of my relationships, thank goodness.  And the longer this current relationship goes on, without it falling apart, it just - She just continues to wow me.

And, as well as Logical Me and Emotional Me, the fact that Mistress continually reassures me when I need it, that is the third part of the triangle of my uncertainty.  And her portion of the triangle is the most stable.  I am not going to lose what I currently have - a loving relationship with my best friend.  I am not going to be run out of town over There.  She has the utmost faith that things will work.  Even if I move out to a secondary residence, she wants me close at hand.

Being in limbo until I am there, I have kind of taken the attitude that there's little point stressing about it at the moment.  When I get there however, hmm.  No, I won't be stressed.  She will order me not to be if needed, and also the fact that she will be there as well...

Yeah, I know, the above doesn't make as much sense as I thought it would when I first thought of it a week ago, but heck, I can only write what is in my head at any given time.  It is good, and it is stable.  I have to get used to that thought, no matter how unusual the rest of the situation is.

New Ground Rules?

So, Sir has moved in with Mistress, and seems to have somewhat sorted out his personal stuff.  Which is great and wonderful and Mistress appears to be ecstatic - which in turn, makes me very happy indeed. 

But am just wondering whether that will mean some sort of change in the communication patterns.  I mean, I felt I was interrupting her too often sometimes when it was just her in the household, let alone when Sir is there.  I think most of that irrational panic is being killed off by the medication, and Mistress has reassured me time and again the last few weeks that I am an integral part of her life, but yes, for all that I am adaptable to change and can roll with it and everything, I guess I won't feel truly settled in the situation until I am There.

Ah well, maybe if Sir is less stressed, communication with him will become easier.  Although Mistress says she usually only gets one sentence or one word texts or emails from him as well, so maybe I should just get used to it lol.

In other news.  I applied for three jobs over There yesterday.  Being the weekend I don't anticipate hearing back until at least tomorrow.  I will apply for a couple of others either tonight or tomorrow, out of the multitude that Mistress sent me the other night, when she should have been studying.  Once I have stopped procrastinating and started actually applying, I am sure the ball rolling will get easier as we go.  And perhaps the cover letters will improve as well lol.

I went to the local art gallery for the first time in MONTHS today.  New exhibition on.  Despite the fact that a lot of the pieces on show are quite challenging, I got all enthused like, that I am thinking of rebooting my art blog.  Hmm, either to do it here, or at the old livejournal one, hmm.  Thinking, thinking.  Mistress says she misses my art blog, to which I replied that I actually miss HER hahaha.

Friday, Friday - and the rest of that ridiculous song

Was non descript work wise.  Did some work, but obviously it didn't stick for too long in my head.  Then had a couple of jugs of sangria at pub with one of my besties Here.  Which was nice.

When I find stuff to do that isn't work, I usually tend to find that I can fill my day in productively.  It is when I am home alone or pottering around doing not much at all that I start to fret.  Oh well, I am back on the pills, that fretting is just going to be blasted away, oh happy days indeed hahaha.

Nope, too much sangria in my head to go 'deep and meaningful'.  Talk soon.

Smiling

Not sure whether I am smiling gently or in an evil manner.  Mistress admitted to me this morning that she has been trying to stop her power over me going to her head.  For approximately six months.

That kept me positive all through the working day.

And then, after work, caught up with a couple of friends for beer and mulled wine.  Needed the heat from the wine because it is absolutely freezing here.

Shopping Expedition

So, I was in the local Woolworths earlier today, after my doc appointment (more on that below later).  I needed milk and something to cook for dinner tonight, and that was about it.  Now, I have a preference for ready made meals, living by oneself as I am currently, but I should have seen the warning signs when none of that type of food appealed to me.

I went over to the meats, and then proceeded to agonise over whether I actually wanted to, you know, use a pot or pan or roasting dish.  And then the thought of what groceries will look like over There made the inevitable appearance.  Will I be on the shopping trips, or will Sir?  Will I have to buy my own things like a lodger, or will I be included?  Now, it is funny, because the Logical side of me has been going OMG WTF at some of the decisions I have made about this adventure, but right at that particular moment Logical Me was saying I was being irrational, in the supportive of There way.  Which hasn't always been the case with Mr Logic.

I was wandering back and forth between the bakery section and the meats, probably looking quite lost, when I eventually made the decision to get mince.  If I got say, any other type of meat, than the remainder after tonight's meal would probably end up in The Freezer That TIme Forgot, never to be seen again until The Move, and defrosting time.  I used to be so good at pottering around the kitchen, cooking and all that, but three years by oneself, yeah, the enthusiam levels wane.

And that is what I realised the fretting about groceries was about earlier on - moving from living by myself to a pretty full household, that will be a bit of an adjustment.  Nothing to do with the kink side of things, apart from the usual fear of disappointing Mistress.

And then when I did get the mince, and the milk, and the pasta sauce - I thought I had pasta at home, and if I didn't, well, rice is an easy back up option - I was fretting thinking how pathetic it was to only have three things in the shopping basket, I might as well just put them all back and go home and pay twice as much for the milk at the service station.  And did I feel like sweets or chips or something.  I would have been a sight to see I am sure.

So with that all out of the way, god knows how the actual meal will turn out.  If it even happens LOL.

Maybe, with the decision to go over There, the decision to take Orders from Sir and Mistress, and just all the other decisions I have been making the last few weeks, maybe I just ran out of decisiveness.  Too much choice, in a supermarket.  Maybe going back on the pills will calm me down a bit more.  Or maybe not.

Actually, that is a good lead in to another blog post I have been thinking of writing - how the logical side of me just sees innummerable barriers to how There is going to go, an almost infinite amount of things to get through, whereas the emotional side of me sees it as a simple Yes/No switch.  Will the relationships and the situation in general work?  Yes or No.  Anyways, that is for another blog post, not this one.

So yes, went to the doctor earlier in the day.  Refilled that prescription that I had allowed to lapse, and gave me six months worth of repeats.  Told him of the big changes coming up, and the fact that 'my partner' didn't want me to go without the meds while I am going through all the stuff.  Briefly touched on a couple of other things, while not bringing Sir up, and the doc said what would a counsellor really add to the situation at this stage, it needs to be sorted out for better or for worse in person.  Oh, and that it was a good sign that Mistress had more faith in how things will play out than I do.  I will take my good signs where I can get them hahaha.

Just with the meds, I just hope they don't completely flatten me out, like they did for a period last time around.  To get rid of the lows and to get rid of the highs hmm.  Ah well, anyways, I have no choice in the matter now, I will only get out of medication now with sign off from both Mistress and the medical fraternity.

After the supermarket almost meltdown, now off to be decisive with my mother, tell her a few things she needs to know about the ex.  And who knows, maybe Mistress will come into the conversation lol.  Don't think my mother is quite ready for me trying to explain Sir yet though.  We will leave that for Christmas Day hahahahahaha.

Daily Dose

Seeing as I was awake until 1.15 last night, I didn't get much sleep.  Even when I did wake up this morning, I was thinking of ringing in sick - for no defineable reason apart from that I was being lazy.  I wasn't actually sick.  Then screwing up my right contact lens, so that my right eyed vision was kinda sorta blurry all day, and the lens itself wasn't fully on my eye, therefore being irritable as well as blurry.  Always a lot of fun when that happens.

My sense of not wanting to go to work was so strong in fact, that I was halfway to the train station from home, and still feeling undecided about it all.  And, being several hours before the pay direct debited to my bank, I was down to my last $3.81, with my credit card being maxed out.  Leading to the sense that once I was at work, I couldn't afford to come home as my public transport card was wiped as well.  I skipped breakfast, and then tried to work on no food for as long as I could.  What with the contact lens giving me a headache, and the bottle or so of wine I consumed last night, and feeling a tad faint as well, it wasn't the greatest of mornings.

About half an hour before my lunch break, I buckled and asked for a five dollar loan from one of my workmates.  Which she happily gave.  Basically then scoffed enough food over lunch - which I took early, I couldn't last any longer without food - that by the end of it I had 76c in my account.

Cue the checking online banking every fifteen minutes until it landed, about 4.30pm or so.  Yes, I do cut it fine at times.  Understatement.

On other fronts, I booked my doctor's appointment tomorrow, to refill that prescription I had let slide.  That made me happy because I was following the explicit Orders given by Mistress.  She replied to one of my emails that she was always proud of me, which always always warms my heart.  In all my previous relationships, I have never been cared for as much as I have in this one.

I got an email, I assumed from my last significant ex, wondering whether I was procrastinating getting back to her with the full and final break up email.  It was like a red flag to me, because almost as soon as I had read it, I was moaning to Mistress, while at the same time confirming I wasn't going to go against the Order about the ex.  When I double checked it later, I realised it was from my mother, rather than the ex.  Awkward, much?

Friend of mine is suggesting I should go see a counsellor about what I am throwing myself into over There.  I said a counsellor would only be a reasonable idea if I was still not sure about flying over.  I have plenty of concerns about what might happen when I get over, but as for the actual getting there, what did Thatcher say, the lady's not for turning?  As I quickly go google that phrase haha - yep yep, it was Thatcher.  If I talked to a counsellor or something now, all they could practically do is talk me out of it.  And as it that is going to happen. 

There are only two people who can talk me out of the plan at this stage, and from all I have been advised, Sir and Mistress do want me there.  Despite the various random doubts I threw out in an earlier post.

The friend said all she was suggesting was to give a neutral viewpoint on what is happening.  To be honest, I think I have a dozen neutral-ish points of view from various friends already.  I don't need a professional seal of approval for what I am doing, as little as I need a 'here be dragons' warning either.

Anyways, apart from chatting with online friends this evening, that is about all that has happened of any sort of importance today.  I will bid you adieu for now.

Monday, Monday...

Can't Trust That Day.  As the rest of the Mamas and Papas lyrics filter through my head.

Anyways, brief rundown of mood diary, as per requested, and as per how late it is.

Wavered between a 2 to 4 out of 10 this morning, as a result of my latest ex, the one Mistress ordered me not to contact, contacting my parents and querying what I was up to via them.  Another word for that type of query is stalking.  Mistress reiterated to me to continue my no contact resolve.

Was up to a 8 to 9 out of 10 this afternoon, due to a rather concerted series of messages with The Boss, which cheered me up obviously no end.

And then settled to perhaps a 7.5 this evening, as a result of having a lovely dinner around at a friends house.  Chicken and corn soup to start, beef casserole as a mains, and then chocolate and sour cream cake for dessert.

At the moment is has ramped up to an 8, after the briefest of conversations with Mistress.  Now, off to some OTHER writings LOL.

Dreams

No, not the ones about how real life will turn out, which I do my best to avoid, but the actual REM ones.  Had one about There last night.  Not anything major, just breaking out maps while in the car (how quaint, I guess my brain hasn't quite advanced to a GPS unit or smartphone), I think we were looking for places to live, rather than just some sort of holiday.

It was a subject we talked about last night.  Before I started my party trick lol.

Last NIght

Mood wise, was down to a 2 or 3 - because of all the uncertainty of things - to an 11 out of 10 (thank you Spinal Tap) because I got bored and decided to try out the butt plug.  I put it further in than I ever had before, texted Mistress about it, who, well, seemed to be enthusiastic about the whole experiment.

Had it in for an hour all up, so perhaps I will be able to have one of them in for a domestic flight sometime.  Ooh, the next internal flight I will do will be to get over to Mistress and Sir, how convenient LOL.  Will have to be a different one though if I am to wear it in public, the current one I have has a battery pack sticking out hahaha.

I know yesterday I said I would be content with the sexual without sex thing with Mistress, but plese please please let her fuck me with a dildo or strap on one of these days?

Oh, And...

...although the depression that usually afflicts me is in remission, the self love that I have for myself (no, get your minds out of the gutter) seems to have taken a holiday as well.  Too many other things to think of that I hadn't noticed until it hit me like a bolt of ligtning just then.

And I was so far into emotions and therapy land today, I totally forgot about the ice hockey.  Luckily, the Canucks didn't need me to cheer them along to win lol.

Once More, With Feeling

Okay, so Mistress has indicated to me the real reason for this blog.  Less for a day to day morale check up as it were, it is more for me to (hopefully) unwind, tell her what is going on with me, and see how we go.  I was actually wanting to wait until I was There until it all came out.  I have this fear that I will hit against some sort of hard limit and be denied what I have been waiting for all this time.  Which would, frankly, devastate me.  But I have been told suppressing it all is making me miserable, is making Mistress worry about me, and she doesn't have the time for one of my trademarked meltdowns.

Once more into the breach, dear friends.

I may as well start off with a positive.  Friday evening I went out for dinner with one of Mistress' friends from over Here.  For the first time in weeks, I felt calm, composed, and looking forward to the evening with some sort of anticipation.  Here apart from that has been a series of emotional wihdrawals, from friends, from family, from work, that to have a sense of anticipation - when I was waiting for the bus to head to suburb where we were having dinner, I was smiling and bouncing on my toes even - was a delight.  Partially it was because C's friend knows a bit about what is going on, and perhaps more importantly, knows of the type of situation herself (she is a sub or slave I believe), that it was almost as if I had found a little corner of There to relax into for two hours.  As well as the fact that I was C's representative here, as she said later it was like I was an Honorary Consul or something.  The best two hours I have had Here for weeks.

Another positive, or series of them, is what I am holding onto until I get There.  The fact that Mistress loves me, she wants me over there, I make her happy, I make her proud.  And that she says that Sir is getting his head around the whole me going there thing, but that he is fine with it, apparently.  We do intend to live in the same household when I get there.  I am well aware that out of me having a new city, a new job, a newish set of relationships and living together with the two I am attempting to be with, that the living together would likely be the easiest thing to go.  And I am quite prepared, if that is the case, to move out and HOPEFULLY work on the relationships from a secondary residence.  If it hasn't all fallen apart by then of course.

Well, that paragraph turned from a positive to something with more equivocation.

Sir.  He usually always keeps me off kilter, without even trying.  He is so Alpha that sometimes I find it hard to breath around him - okay, that is somewhat of an exaggeration, but I am guessing you have figured out what I mean.  Mistress and I have had good effective communication for an extended period of time, but with Sir I feel I tend to struggle with even the small talk.  The situation is complicated because at the moment I can't just pick up the phone and say whatever to him, because of domestic-to-Sir reasons, which hasn't helped.  Almost all of what I am told about how Sir is okay with the situation, is happy for me to be there, and the rest, is relayed onto me by Mistress.  I fear that once I am over there, or even before, I will be shut out of stuff.  Not the stuff that directly impacts on the two of them, that is understandable, but for the stuff that impacts on me as well, and that - that freaks me out to tell the truth.  That SIr was only saying he was okay with me being there.

There is a difference between being a submissive and willingly giving up the free will and control and all of that, and the sense of not even being consulted over things.  Or did that sentence make any sort of sense at all?

Mistress was up front with me last week, saying she was unsure whether she could give me a full sexual relationship when I am over there and however things will go.  From that I am guessing she means penetration.  And that she won't have a problem with me fulfilling those needs elsewhere.  As long as full disclosure in both directions is given, I am guessing.  The relationship between me and Mistress will likely be sexual in parts, but not fully.  I have sort of reconciled myself to that, I think.  If she gets to flog me or leads me around on a leash from time to time, or her eyes light up when I throw a butt plug or strap on picture or hot porn vid into her email, that will likely e acceptable to me, with the thought of having 'permission slips' to play away as well.  And then I remember those brief moments of sexuality we have had to this point, watching her face as we misbehaved on webcam, kissing her breast for the shortest of times before I realised I hadn't asked Sir's permission, or kissing her mouth and tasting Sir's cum at another time.  Oh, and of course, being allowed to watch.  Yes, I think I can reconcile myself to that type of sexual without sex.  It certainly wasn't a big stonking stop sign when we discussed it last week.

I have no doubt that I will get a job when I am over there easily enough.  Nor that I will continue to charm the pants off the current circle of friends I have over There, nor that I will be able to charm more friends.  Those are positives.

I fear that if I play whatever cards I have wrong, I will lose my best friend.  And not in a give her a couple of weeks to cool down and contact her again later and it will be fine way, moreso as in a chased out of town with pitchforks style.  Or actually perhaps without pitchforks, I am a pain slut at times, and she doesn't reward bad behavour.  Yeah, attempted funny lol.

I would hate to lose my best friend, but at the same time, if it manages to work, which Mistress thinks it has a strong chance of doing, then omg the fireworks that would be going off in my brain when I realised that would be like Sydney at New Year's.  Times a thousand.  I have always been a glass half empty boy, almost always been that in fact, so me concentrating on the negatives is nothing really new.  But if the above is just me fearing things irrationally, omg the possibilities that could ensue...

I just want to keep making Mistress (and Sir) happy and proud of me.  And I hope I haven't ruined things by writing this - as another of my frinds has said to me, doubts are as legitimate as hopes, and communication needs to be on the negative as well as the positive things.  But I was trying to keep quiet about them until I was There.

tick tock, tick tock...

I am going to have to hit publish post ONE of these days on this one LOL.

Adjectives, huh...

You learn a new thing every day.  Apparently a mood diary needs descriptors, rather than just a rating.

As per C's request in the comments of the last post, I'm not actually thinking of the Big Picture items in the relationships at the moment.  I haven't moved from the couch all morning - umm, and afternoon thus far - got my duvet around me, TV and laptop on.  Nothing is on TV, but just got it on for background noise.

I'm in the mood to do not much at all.  I should write up stuff for job applications, but I'm not even in the right headspace for that yet - nor, honestly, have I been all weekend.  As much as some people struggle to study even though it is required, it seems I struggle to stop procrastinating for the job market There.  I mean, I will get around to it and when I do I will write well, but maybe I need to grab a shower and such and freshen up first.

Might have to be take outs for dinner again.  I could eat stuff from around here, but hmm, just lazy.  It has been one of those weekends where it has been too quiet, saving money and not doing much of anything at all.

Oh, and I do have plenty of thoughts and feelings regards the Big Picture, but after the last entry and using my brainpower for all that for hmm, about four hours actually, I need a bit of downtime before I think about it again.  At least I am not fretting like I was yesterday, so far at least.

Hmm, and suddenly a public blog seems like a private conversation.  Not the strangest thing that has happened to me the last six months hahaha

P

Buckle Up, The First Post May Take A While

I had two Orders and one request yesterday.

Order One – ‘You will go to the doctor. You will start taking your medication again. You will not go off your medication unless you talk to me and/or your doctor first.’

Order Two – ‘You will not contact [last significant ex]. She is not good for you.’

Request – ‘Will you do something for me? – Anything. – Will you start a mood diary. – Yes.’

So here we are. The primary reason for starting this blog is to keep it as a mood diary for C, my Mistress. A secondary reason is to try and sort out in my mind what is going on with my situation, which I will attempt to explain in the next few hundred paragraphs. A tertiary reason may be, if I get around to it, my interest in art and photography, which was the reasoning behind my last blog, over in livejournal land.

Mood today is, I would say, a 4.99 out of 10, so just on the glass half empty side of the ledger.

Where to start, where to start? If you had asked me a year ago, six months, even just three months ago, that I would find myself in the situation that I am, I would have thought it was merely a glitch in The Matrix, let alone any sort of real life scenario. On the positive side, the depression that has been a constant in my life the last twenty years is in remission.

Okay, so I might as well just plunge in – where is the adult content button around this place hmm. I have fallen in love with my best friend who is in another relationship. Blinking in amazement that I actually wrote that down, blinking in amazement that that is the scenario laid to its barest. But wait, it gets more complicated – her relationship is a Dominant/submissive one, or actually probably more accurately an Owner/property one. And I have slipped into a Dominant/submissive relationship with both Sir and Mistress. And, to add another layer, it is currently long distance in my case, but will be short distance, local with the both of them soon enough – 62 sleeps.

Soon enough, yeah right. It has already felt like forever since I was there at the start of last month. Another two months – to think of it in that way is overwhelming. I am trying to take it day by day, week by week even. But with things in all three of our seperate lives going so quickly before we are all in the same household, keeping tethered to a calm, stable place in the centre can seem difficult.

Especially since I am a bit uncertain about how things will work when I get over there. I think all three of us are, but hey, it is my blog, it is my brain thinking up what to write hahaha, I will take centre stage for all of about 1% of the time, thank you lol. One of the ways I am dealing with it is to not think about There beyond getting to the airport. If you think further ahead than that, you just build up all sorts of expectations which, honestly, can’t be sorted out until I am there. We have sorted things out as much as we can from four thousand kays away. So yes, another word for the situation is limbo. Especially since I have metaphorically turned my back on my current city. What is the point of investing more time and effort into a place that I have already decided to leave.

That isn’t to say that I am completely ignoring Here, I still intend to have quality time with friends during the time I have left. And there are things that are happening around here that will keep my attention fleetingly – Surrealist art exhibition from Paris at the local Art Gallery, an outdoor ice rink for our Winter Festival. But my focus for the past month, and for the next couple, has been and will be getting West.

It is also kind of frustrating being in limbo because Sir and Mistress are inexorably and quickly working towards moving under the same roof and sorting themselves out. Not my story to tell, but suffice to say, things have been complicated enough in both their lives not to take that step as yet. Of course I am happy for them both, they work so well together, but being so far away, well, it is frustrating.

When I visited There in January, I went as a tourist and C’s best friend. Even when The Collar was placed around my neck – and OMG how that opened my eyes to what I had been ignoring all these years – it was her as a friend introducing me to something I might like. Nothing relationship-py about it at all, at least from my memory.

Then, somewhere along the way to my birthday in April, things changed. And this is while we were on different sides of the country. Mistress sent the collar as my birthday present, and the word relationship was first used. And I was over the moon, subspacing long distance, almost.

And then, when I got back There again for the second trip at Easter, it all fell into place. The fact that she loves me, the fact that her Sir became my Sir as well, that they want me over there, and that There felt like home, after so many years of nowhere feeling like that. There was a deep and meaningful that I had with Mistress that was one of those moments that turns your life upside down, but in the awesomely good way. And there was no way that I was not going to get over there after that.

But, time with the ones you love in person is very different to time spent in another city waiting to plan to go. It was funny, there was an almost perfect job with current employer over There that was advertised two days after I got back to work after the Easter holiday. I even got through to the interview stage, and would have had two or three weeks notice to move if I got the thing. But I didn’t. I thought I had done my best to lower the expectations and all, but still, not getting it hit me hard.

If this was the Olden Days of my constant lingering depression at the back of my mind, I am sure I would have fallen apart for at least a couple of days, but, to my astonishment, I didn’t even take an entire afternoon off with feeling sorry for myself, my brain processes had already thought of plans B and C before I even got home. What has happened to me the last six months?

Though on the not so positive side, some of my friends who I have tried to explain the situation to have said negative things about it. One was thinking about me not having a certain job and living with The Bosses, and she is very blunt when it comes to these types of conversations. She had a vision that I would be homeless without a job within ten minutes of me getting there. Another friend is wondering about the how things will work out in practicality. Funny thing is, we are all wondering that ourselves.

The funny thing is that people seem to think I am so brave to go over there, with all the uncertainty pertaining to the situation. To me, it wasn’t as if, after my life was turned downside up on the last holiday, I could have even thought of saying no.

Okay, think that should be enough for now. Will try and make a post each day, what with reason A for this blog being the mood diary.

P