So yes, unsurprisingly probably if you had read yesterday's post, about half an hour after I wrote that, I had a meltdown. Not a pretty one either. One which included the better part of three quarters of an hour sobbing, thinking what the hell am I doing here, and being by myself, as Mistress and Sir were off suit shopping.
Added to which, later in the piece, was running late for the interview I had, I texted Mistress saying I could catch a taxi perhaps if I needed to, to which she rang back replying yes, perhaps that is a good idea. I tried to be lucid and understanding and all, and all that came out were strangled sobs. Dunno whether Sir heard that or not, but suddenly they were on their way home. And during the drive home, they read yesterday's blog.
So yes, I wasn't a happy bunny when they turned up. When I got in the car, Mistress massaged my shoulders (she had gone into the back seat), and Sir was asking whether I was in the right mindframe for an interview. Sure I was, I can put my gameface on easily enough. And then they were asking why exactly I was melting down. I hate to admit it, but I was a little bit snappy in the car. Sir asked me to call him his real name rather than yes Sir no Sir three bags full Sir, but I thought about it, and I was just in a bit too much of an argumentative mood to use his real name. Saying Sir in those circumstances brings to me the fact that if I get too bolshy, I might screw things up. Saying real names I might just let fly, if you know what I mean.
Interview went fantastically well.
Then, while waiting for Sir to finish a work meeting, Mistress was trying to get out of me what was wrong. The fact that when I burst into tears, they think they are doing something wrong, whereas for me, crying - well, frustration kind of crying - is just a sense of being completely overwhelmed. I said I felt more like a flatmate than anything equal. And a few other things that I can't remember just at the moment - oh, Sir's sense of humour grates on me sometimes as well. With that, I got told to tell him flat out when that happens.
As for the equality thing, Mistress had a think about it and later on told me that I wasn't an equal, and in fact, neither was she (to Sir). I asked whether I was still 'just' a sub rather than anything else, and she said yes, that was still the case. She doesn't want to Own anyone. Even though I am squirming with squee inside at the mere thought of being Owned. I will put that to the side for the time being though, as much as I possibly can.
Oh, and Sir was asking whether a cathartic beating may be in order. In the Mistress conversation, she said she wasn't getting everything that she required out of her relationships, so why should I (in the being flogged or beaten sense). In essence, not that she said this, but I like the phrase myself, that I should suck it up, buttercup.
And then, by the time we got home, the kids were there. So we couldn't have any sort of deep and meaningful in a non public space. Looking forward to Sunday though, catching up with some other friends at a pub. Maybe some things will be resolved then - or maybe not LOL.
One final thing - Mistress wrote publicly last night that Sir and I are all that is keeping her sane and healthy at the moment. Which made me smile in that loving way when I read it. It's a tough job, but I am doing my best, as I am sure Sir is, in his own way lol.
Gotta go. Interview number four (out of four days) very soon.
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