I Honestly Don't Know How To Feel

Casablanca is moving to Brisbane.

Both Roma and Jacksonville said that it will be a good thing, to clear my head, and heart, of all the chains and connections with her.  But when it happens, it is going to hurt like a motherfucker.

Even though I have moved on, even though the relationship level never got to where I wanted it, at even at the highest level, it was only there for four months.  It will still hurt.

She's a complication I don't need anymore.  On the logical level.  On the emotional level, I still love her, even though she has fallen down the friends chart in importance.

It will be for the best.  As I grind my teeth.

I'm not fucking following her this time.

Wednesday's Menu, Restaurant Amuse

So I can refer to it later if needs be.

Prawns, avocado, pear and umeboshi

Chestnut, daikon, pine nuts and pumpkin seeds

Marron, Geraldton wax, carrot and saltbush

Mushrooms, miso, chicken and rice

Pork, octopus, kimchi and black garlic

Beef, artichoke, kohlrabi and horseradish

Grapes, bloodlimes and roselle

Popcorn, caramel, chocolate and prune

Was nom.  Was fantastic.

A Fantastic Evening

Wednesdays.  My favouritist day, primarily because it is the set catch up with Roma day.

Going around to her place after work, relaxing into the couch, chatting and the rest.  And then on her bed, having my toenails painted.  Purple this week.

And then out to fancy French restaurant.  Well, French-ish, there was all sorts of fusions going on with the courses all over the place.  Nine courses, degustion.  Was awesome, and the wine choice was fantastic as well.  Roma was a bit distracted, she apparently has a lot on her plate at the moment.  Did my best to help her relax, dunno how much help I was though.  She got even more distracted when I paid for dinner.

Here for you honey, as and when you need.

But it was a fantastic night, good food, best friend, talking about art and theatre when we do the Melbourne trip.  And when I got home, Pulp Fiction on the television.

Made up for the blah of work.

Snippet

There's a church at the top of one of the hills when I'm at my bus stop. With the time of morning I am getting up and commuting at the moment, the dawn light catches the stain glass in the cupola, and it's just gorgeous.

Sometimes I wish I believed churches were more than just pretty buildings, hand of God etc. But I don't. But the fact of sunlight hitting glass, just so, yeah, it's a lovely, pretty, good start to the day.

Before Coffee even.

The random page I opened up to with the new motivational book I got yesterday was 'Recognise Your True Friends'. I think I have that aspect of my life covered already, but always good to be reminded.

Early morning blogging, it's a thing. Lol.

Self Help

So, I got two inspirational kinda books today.  100 Days Happier, and Love Your Life, both by Dominique Bertolucci.  Yeah, I was in that kind of mood when I was browsing through Dymocks.  

Sometimes you need to remember to be positive, to love yourself, to be an optimist, to trust that things will work out, not to over analyse, and all the rest.  To concentrate on the good things in life, and minimise the rest.  I do it to a good amount, I think, focussing on the important people, but you can always improve.

I need to tune out the news more.  I mean, I've done a good enough job ignoring politics lately, but the latest mass shooting in California has stirred up a hornet's nest of interactions on my Facebook feed.  I'm conflicted, I have strong opinions on it all, but at the same time it's such a negative drain.

It's been that sort of day.  But tomorrow the regular dinner with Roma.  Although not so regular this week, will actually be quite fancy.  French degustion lol.  Will see how that goes.

Sometimes I think I've got it all sorted, and then it just evaporates in a mass of uncertainty.  That has been my afternoon today.  Need a good sleep...

Enchanter's End Game

No, not a reference to David Eddings' Belgariad book five, apart from that it is useful alliteration.

Casablanca is in the final gambit of things in her current situation.  She is in arrears on the mortgage, the bank has issued a writ, the ex husband has offered to take on board the house and to basically let her walk away debt free.  But with an added portion of getting custody of the children.

Hashtag what a fucking mess.

She might have to be out of the house within the next two weeks,whether it is option A with the bank, or option B with her ex.  And she needs me.  And I am torn, between the person I was two years ago, and the person I am now.

It's too late, it's far too late.  If I were logical, I would walk away.

But.  I'm not Vulcan.  Dammit.

She hasn't changed, she...

Fuck, it's all too hard.

I mean, I have given up on the relationship hopes, a long time ago in a holocaust of emotion and hurt and pain (and not the good pain).  The friendship, the grudging friendship is still there, and that's what I would also ditch if I were logic.

I'll sleep on it.  Well, not specifically the situation above, but I'm too tired to make any sort of sense about big life decisions.  Or even little ones.

A Day Of Two Halves

This morning, in bed, not wanting to leave the house, curling up under the covers.  Extremely blah about everything.

And even when I did get out of the house, I was extremely tired.  Didn't perk up until Roma actually showed up, we were going to do a quick coffee and then I was going to pick up the stuff I had left there on Thursday night.

Which actually ended up with a trip to Chanel, and Roma almost buying a two grand handbag, almost almost.  She was hella tempted.  Then a bit of a deep and meaningful while we were walking around town, about how I had assessed what the whole Wednesday self harm depression spike meant.  And she was so freaking supportive, still.  I've been afraid, in my own head over the last few days, that all my mess is all too much effort for her, and she didn't give that impression at all when we were actually talking.  The we will get through this together impression that I got.

Which is fucking awesome.

Blah, emotions lol.

Then a quick skim through Pigeonhole, for the second time this weekend, after a similar expedition with Jacksonville on Saturday.  Roma asked whether I had seen any nice rockabilly stuff (for me) lately, as I had said a couple of weeks ago, I think I could do rockabilly, as my femme side.  Then off to Infusion for coffee, and Bras and Things, where another mate, Lexington, had gotten me a gift voucher for my birthday.

And the way Roma's eyes lit up when she suggested getting me properly fitted, and the rest of the BnT expedition, is always gratifying to see that level of enthusiasm from her when it comes to me.  So yes, a practical bra and a pretty one, a Playboy set, slate grey, nice design.  And the staff in store were fantastic, will definitely go back there again for even just the service.  Roma in the change room, helping me in and out of the bras, with that enthusiastic glint in her eyes.  Just fantastic.

With the corset I got yesterday, and the bras and everything, it's going to be fantastic when I put the entire ensemble together.  Which should be for a party in two weekend's time, with Roma doing the make up and prettying up and being my wingperson.

SQUEE.

And even after the Bra n Things expedition, went past Knoxville's store and kept her company for the close and then headed over to their place and relaxed and then dinner and then more relaxing.  I absolutely love how the last couple of Sunday quick visits to Roma's place have ended up lasting five or six hours apiece.

Cheered me up no end, after the blah of this morning.  

This Is Going To Be Difficult To Write

Warning, adult themes

And here we are again.  The self loathing, the self hatred and all.  Not right this minute or anything, earlier in the week, the Wednesday meltdown, but I may have gotten a handle on it.  Maybe.

I'm that scared, depressed, self harming, suicidal seventeen year old again.  It's back to Gotterdammerung.  Well, not quite, I wasn't about to top myself, just the self harm blah blah at this stage.  But it was scary enough that I got to that point.  I haven't gotten to that point in the last four years.

Which, for those of you who have been keeping score, was before I found my submissive, masochistic side.  Was thinking about it the last couple of days, because all the fun, painful stuff I have done the last three years has not brought out any of the depression stuff, to the extent it got to this week.  Sure, there's guilt, shame, remorse and other wonderful endorphins, but not to how I was on Wednesday.  I think I may have sorted out a possible reason though.

All the previous play I have done, my endorphins, reactions and subsequent subdrops have been focussed on the pain of the actual play itself.  Last week, I let my emotions out as well.  The past three years of going nowhere with Casablanca.  The realising it is over with her, for all intents and purposes.  The whole lonely blah blah blah.  I don't exactly know where the anxiety earlier in the week came from still, but the above may be the reason I dropped through the floor emotionally in all other aspects.

Poor Roma.  I didn't mean to fall apart around my best friend as spectacularly as I did, nor did I intend to be selfish, as I felt when I realised I was asking to put the responsibility to put me back together again on her, and solely her.  Blah.

Anyways, Roma and I had a lovely Thursday evening, dinner, ballet, and general chatting.  The way she dealt with me near my worst, thank you is all I can say.  I'm a lot calmer now and have been taking stock of the roller coaster of the week.

The second major discovery I made, this morning, as I was researching what may have been going on is that self loathing and self hatred doesn't go away, doesn't dissolve under all the positive reinforcement.  All the past twenty years of me being great at my job, me being great with people and making friends left right and centre, all the me saying I'm awesome.  Apparently, according to stuff I read on the internet, that doesn't make the negativity go away, it just sugar coats it.  The negativity will stay, until it finds its own way out.  Usually by crying apparently.

Self loathing twists everything in your mind to do its best to become a self fulfilling prophecy.  It's a defence mechanism to stop the positive side of a person just erase it, and hence the self sabotage comes into play.  Hey, you've been happy for several months without a cloud on the horizon, let's just fuck that up for you, shall we?  Is how it feels.

Blah.  But getting an understanding of what may or may not be going on is the best possible thing at the moment.  Rather than blindly thrashing around.  The above is as good an explanation as any other.

Oh.  And one important thing to keep in mind, that I read from one of the websites, is that, when you are down on yourself and depressed and the rest, treat yourself as you would treat your friends.  Considering how wonderfully I treat my friends, with care, love, respect and the rest, it's rather the contrast to how many doubts and demons and the rest I shackle myself with.

Must make that my first commandment perhaps.  The treat myself as I treat my friends thing...

Sunshine, Puppy Dogs and Lollipops

Oh yay, I have successfully disguised things with that title.  For the moment at least.

Hmm, whether to get the positive stuff up first, or later.  We will do it first.

Had a fantastic twenty four hours with Jacksonville.  Watched Cabaret last night - perhaps my second favourite musical after Chicago - and today went corset shopping.  Got an underbust eight and a half inches under my actual waist measurement, and it didn't feel all that awful.  Jacksonville, who was with me to give advice, said I had at least a couple of inches of give still to go, the girl was being cautious with how she was tying me up.  And I also picked up a coat with tails.  Jacksonville said I had smug face going on.  Hey, it was just the come down after being tied up properly for the first time in a LONG time.

Then we caught up on shopping on her side of things.  Birthday present for one of her kids, some new bras and sleepwear for herself, I picked her up a nice dress as a baby shower type present, and dinner and coffee and dessert and all sorts of conversation.  My closest friends have interesting back stories - Jacksonville was such a bitch at high school apparently, and then all the boy stories started coming out.  I've never seen her as relaxed as she was today.  Well, at least not the last few months.  Was lovely to see.

And now, one of my favourite guilty pleasure movies of the 90s is on.  Bad Boys.  Awesome.

I'm going to have to do the negative stuff in another post, I can't ruin Will Smith and Liza Minelli and Banana Split and New Corset Feeling with the other stuff. 

I Am The Talking Dog Off Up

So, am visiting and talking to Jacksonville, and she has just discovered one of my inner truths. Or, at least, she's probably known it for a while now, but has just verbalised it.

I get distracted very easily, and, probably worse, I seek out distractions. Or as I like to call them, projects.

Squirrel!

The dieting. The job search. The moving into the central city, when I'm already in the inner suburbs. And now, am thinking of doing the perfect dating site profile, because it nay be about time to get back into those particular trenches.

So yes, good advice to tone down the class clown, self deprecating side of me. Wondering when or how to mention the dress up femme side of me.

And then Jacksonville pipes up and says I don't need to get partnered up or go dating. I'm awesome enough as it is, that I've got a good job, a nice apartment, a fantastic set of close friends, and have a varied array of hobbies and preoccupations already. I don't need to go chasing after rainbows to complete me.

Or should that be chasing after waterfalls?

See, I can't stop cracking jokes unless I really really concentrate on it. Lol.

She's supposed to have pregnant brain  dammit. It's been forever since we have had a deep and meaningful, and she cuts to the heart of what is going on.

Before I know it myself. Dammit.

She thinks I'm amazing just the way I am. Which works.

The other ideas and concepts under advisement.

In Case Of Emergency, Smash Glass

I hit one of my emergency buttons last night.  I got Roma to order me not to do something stupid, which I was very much tempted to do.  Which I haven't been tempted to do in hmm, at least five or six years.

I've been uber anxious the last few days, and I am hardly ever anxious in the first place, and nothing much in my life has changed in the last few days anyways.  I think too much.  Or something.

Stupid vulnerabilities, overwhelming.  The most hurtful and worrying thing about the emotions the last few days is where on earth has all the self loathing come from?  Because that is the most self destructive emotion I have, through long and bitter experience of battling it in the past.  And the fact that the other recent emotions I can kinda sorta figure out without too much effort, but the self loathing has come from fucking deep space it seems.  Ah well, onwards and upwards.

Binary Choices

Yes or no

Left or right

Fall or balance

Self or others

Brave or stupid

Haiku Catch Up

So yes, I have neglected these haiku, and restaurants in general, for the last few weeks.  Have hardly been anywhere new.  Hopefully will rectify that soon, especially looking forward to next week's Wednesday selection.  French cuisine degustion, but onto the last few -

Thailicious, Northbridge

Cheap food, good value

Meal perfectly seasoned

Service friendly, quick

Newport Hotel, Fremantle

Tiki bar lovely

Music, Pulp Fiction soundtrack

The vibe, fantastic

Portarosa Cafe, Fremantle

Veal with spag bol

Hit the food spot perfectly

Freo, lots of choice

Moore & Moore Cafe, Fremantle

Great eggs benedict

Rhubarb tart also tasty

Definite return

What Might Have Been

I visited Casablanca last night.  The friend whom I have codenamed, rather than the Moroccan city itself, for anyone who has come here direct from a search engine.

For those of you who know me, or Casablanca, or have an idea of what our dynamic is like, I can see your disapproving frowns from here lol.  Emotionally, I have moved on, but she is still someone very important to me, and I do still need her in my life, visits and the like.  For the time being.  And I never thought I would write out loud that phrase about her, 'for the time being'.

I fell so fucking hard for her.  And I look back now and think, what the fuck.  And it hurts.  And it makes me gun shy for the next time it happens.  But eh, that's relationships all over, just because they don't work out all Hollywood or sitcom like, doesn't mean we can melt down for months and forget about the rest of our lives, work, friends and the rest of it.

As an example of this, see the fucking stress the job search of the last month put me through.  I could have taken the easy option and just flaked completely out and only do a half assed thing of job applications, and waited until the last minute of the last job before I started searching.  But wow, look, I've matured, I put the big boy pants on (when I had to), and got on with it.

My 1994 self, coming through to now all Back To The Future like, is agog at how forthright, direct, and confident I am with myself nowadays.  Buddy, it's going to take a lot of trauma, not going to lie hahaha.  Hell, my 2011 self is doing the same, which brings me back to the subject in hand.

Casablanca.  I have grown, matured and changed so much in the last three years.  And she hasn't.  Looking around the shattered debris of her life, in the house I lived with her for a year (yeah, that was a barrel of laughs), and seeing how nothing much has changed, I felt extremely sorry for her.  Not quite pity, but in the same ballpark.  It made me doubt for a split second the decision I have made to move on.

As I can see EVERYONE I know look daggers at me for that last sentence.

I'm not going back, I'm not.  I'm not protesting too much.  She is NEVER going to offer me a full on, equal relationship, and if that isn't in the works, then FUCK NO.  Let alone the emotional desert she put me through.

Now that we have that sorted.

I want to help her, I want to save her from herself.  But I came to Perth wanting to do that, and got rebuffed at every turn.  She has flat out denied for the last two years that a relationship was offered when I decided to come over FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COUNTRY not knowing anyone, leaving my job and family behind and all the rest.  Just for my own mental health or something was it?

Geez, getting some emotion out here, aren't we.  Casablanca obviously is still a hot button issue with me, fuck it.

No, it's not going to happen.  But, the collapse that has been on the cards for the last eighteen months finally appears to be happening.  She said last night she's not sure whether she needs a boyfriend or a live in carer.  Nothing has changed, yet everything has changed.  The kids she has are ninety percent either with her ex-husband or at the grandparents, they are never home anymore.  She has always been popular with the guys, but she has shredded most of the relationships she has had in Perth, and, to be honest, it's not the largest dating pool in the first place.

She is talking to guys in Melbourne and Sydney now, yeah that will go well.  When she said she wasn't expecting anyone to turn up on the doorstep, I replied saying that was probably a very bad idea, seeing as how I landed on her doorstep all those years ago.  She seemed to think that was a good thing that had happened.  I bit my tongue before I said, no honey, really it wasn't.  I could have done without the drama, the trauma, the fuckupedness (if that is a word) that I have gone through via this experience.

The pity is, I can still see the spark that attracted me.  She is so intelligent and the rest when she needs or wants to be.  She has no idea of how to relate it to the real world at all, or real people, apart from if they can improve her sex life (ouch!  but so very true), and she has huge blind spots when it's not interesting.  As I relate from Dungeons and Dragons, sky high intelligence, below average wisdom. And even that hurts, admitting flaws in her.  Though it shouldn't, because it's the damned truth lol.

From what I saw last night, she has finally crashed and burned, has put up the barricades and is a shell of her former self.  Is heart breaking to see.  Though it was always just a matter of time, and I am not going back to try and fix a relationship that, to be honest, was never there to begin with.  Compassion, care, love, concern, it was never there, to the levels that I needed it.

You can try as hard as you can, turn yourself inside out to try and attain a goal, and you may not get it even with all that effort.  That is the Casablanca lesson for me.

And henceforth, turning myself inside out will be considered too much effort.  If it isn't going to happen naturally, then it probably isn't going to happen being forced.  And with that line, I am resisting, by the skin of my teeth, a really really really bad double entendre.

So, between the scorched earth desolation of Casablanca, the subdrop from Wednesday's beating, the new job nerves, and avoiding and ignoring the whatever it is with Roma, it's been a weekend that has made my head hurt.  And it wasn't supposed to be like this.  I got the job situation sorted, and everything was going to settle down.  This weekend has been more confusing than it was rostered to be.

I need to start painting again.  All this negative creativity is always great for art lol.

And the Subdrop Begins

Too many endorphins, leaking out, just waiting for any old excuse to self sabotage.

I've just spent five minutes swearing at my computer because tumblr appears to be screwing up.  I couldn't post anything, and it came up a pure white blank speech bubble without any edit options.

After hitting the help button, and seeing what the screen should have looked like, I realised, after the five minutes of swearing at the laptop, that the system on this one is a really really old XP, after my real laptop blew up, this is a kinda sorta really really old spare one.  Probably older than tumblr itself.  And therefore the sparkly new buttons on the website probably don't work properly in the first place on this operating system.

Kinda embarrassed at myself for that rather emotional reaction.  I'll start my new tumblr on the mobile site, I think.  Hurrah for subdrop.

Combined with the (somewhat) familiar realisation of being on the precipice of the rabbit hole.  That familiar feeling of how the fuck did I get here?  Again?  And the visceral binary reaction of whether to fall in or to back off.  Blah.

Subdrop is never a good time to write anything down, as I have learned through extensive experience.  It's like drunk dialing, but when you are sober.  You can see what you are writing, but you have no idea how to stop yourself.  It's usually a good time just to cut contact from EVERYONE for several days.

Of course, the person I used to turn to when I was in these emotional binds, Casablanca, didn't help by throwing my emotions in my face and making it my problem, or comparison shopping with what was crap in her life.  Eh, enough on that topic for the moment as well.

Hmm, there was something else I was going to write from last night, but I can't recall it at the moment.  Hmm.  As I just realise I have got a fairly busy few days of socialising, just when I should be backing off otherwise I will bite people's heads off.  Well, almost everyone's head off.  I should go off and find the nuclear bunker lol.

Oh, yeah, that's right, I was googling how to interpret my fucked up nightmares lately.  Wednesday night's one overarching concept was strangulation.  That apparently means that I am either consciously or unconciously keeping myself from attaining my own dreams due to fear, which can manifest as extreme caution.

So, does that mean I should throw my caution to the wind?

Aargh, not the type of stuff to ponder while I am dropping lol.

Avoidance Is The New Black

Warning - adult themes

I am totally totally wiped.  But in an awesome way.  And I don't know how to even start writing about it.

Okay, so I am a masochist.  I have been stressed out quite a lot the last month, primarily related to the job search.  Roma is my best friend, and, as part of the friendship, tops me from time to time, as a bit of practice for herself, and a bit of stress relief for me.  Sometimes I sub out, sometimes we dissolve into fits of giggles, it's all fun, and in a very unique way it strengthens our friendship.

So yes, we have been holding off until I sorted out the job front for the next lot of topping and stress relief.  Plenty of opportunity for fun on other fronts with me dressing up, dinners, culture and the rest.

Vampire gloves.  They're a thing.

Along with a lovely heavy leather flogger, and a new collar to replace one that an ex gave a bajillion years ago, and a dose of my femme persona going out in public in Northbridge.  With me sweating bullets every six inch platform step of the way, with Roma supporting and protecting like the rock she is.

So yes, later on, handcuffed to the staircase, being flogged and beaten and the like, and both of us knew that I would fall apart, that I have been under so much blah lately that my pent up emotions were going to overflow.  But what neither of us were expecting was that Roma would go from being a service top to going totally into a Dom headspace and basically having to slow herself the fuck down before she tore me to (consensual) shreds.

The vampire gloves.  Spikes piercing my skin when she was spanking me.  Blood.  Her deciding to spank harder.  And her oh my god realisation of how awesome it was, for her.  Once I was over my meltdown and release of the pent up emotions I had going on - and believe me, that was a fuckload of mess, sobbing like I haven't in hmm, several years I think - once that was over, seeing the look of 'what the fuck just happened' in her eyes, was kind of amazing.

Yep, the vampire gloves are going to happen again.  But at the same time, we will revert to rule number one of our 'interesting dynamic' - if we ignore it long enough, it will go away.  Hence the title of today's blog entry.  Avoidance, hell yeah.  Emotions, blah.

But the friendship - I have never had anyone this supportive, loving and caring of me, other than my parents, in my life.  Never.  And I sure as hell know that I give just as much positivity back to her.  It's amazing.

I'm absolutely terrified of fucking it up.  Though deep down I know I - we - won't.  We have shared too much of ourselves to each other already to be scared off by much of anything now.  So yes, quite happy to avoid and ignore whatever is on that particular list, Boss.  Wait, what list?  Lol.

I doubt very much it was part of my subdrop, that usually takes two or three days to work through the system, but I had this insanely weird dream last night a few hours after what happened.  Was snapchatting back and forth with Roma (in the dream), before I found myself in a McDonald's in New Zealand, having a fish mcmuffin.  Which, by the way, is an awful idea for food lol.  My father came to live with me, and then I flaked out, while realising I was dreaming.  And I couldn't wake up, at all.  And then my father morphed into one of the Stephen King horror characters, like It or Needful Things or something, and started strangling me.  And I just couldn't wake up.  Until I forced myself to, one of those huge intakes of breath coming out of the deep sleep, at 4am in the morning.  I had to text Roma about it, you know, just to share the trauma lol.

She had told me to text her if I needed to, after the vampire gloves and flogger session.

I've been having a string of really realistic, really fucked up nightmares lately.  Is kind of a concern.  Have no idea where it is coming from, apart from perhaps the stress.

And I had a thought of why I dress up.  And if it is anywhere near the mark, it is a damned depressing reason.  Boys are shit.  Dress up could therefore be a way of disassociating myself from my own gender as much as possible.  Roma asked if there was anyone else I talked to about it, and I said it was just her basically.  I mean, Johannesburg and Jacksonville and Richmond also get it a bit, but not to the extend that Roma does, I don't allow myself the vulnerability or the weakness I show to her around anyone else, even my other three besties.  Dammit.

I've just brought the drawbridges up pretty much to anyone apart from my top dozen contacts.  It's kinda stupid, it's kinda counter productive, but it's also a bit of self protection and not spreading myself too thin.

Geez, look at how far I have ranged in tonight's blog, and not even the latest update of restaurant haikus.  How about the local sports team, and those results that said sports team have attained.  Lovely or miserable weather we are having, am I right?

Avoiding like a mother fucker.  Yeah, we got this.  Lol.

Music Choices of the Week

I'm Coming Home - P Diddy

Run This Town - Jay Z

Without Me - Eminem

Those are the songs that are going through my head as I go through training at work.  Picking up where I left off in Brisbane.  I definitely feel I made the right choice coming back to the telco I was with for seven years over there, with the kindasorta promotion that has occurred to the large corporate customers.

And even better, on the first day I was there, got told that it is majority electronic work, emails rather than phone calls.  As much as I love talking to people, customers, friends, after the last decade of doing so, I am feeling a bit of burn out.  Hence the attempts to angle into administration when I was job searching.

Interesting that all the songs in my head about the return are rap.  I didn't think I was all that much into that genre.  Must think of appropriate rock songs perhaps.  Come As You Are, All Apologies?  King of Wishful Thinking?  Where did that last one come from, in my brain I mean?  Lol.

Being three minute walk away from Roma's apartment is going to be all sorts of dangerous.  In the delicious variety of danger, I mean.  Beyond just the types of lunches we will do lol.  There will be some stress relief tonight, to book end the trauma of the job search.

Someone in her life (Roma, I mean) tried to cause trouble on Monday, emailing her entire family all sorts of rumours via Facebook.  Roma was feeling fragile, in that attack dog way she does, and weirdly enough, my protective streak came out, for the first time ever with her.  That protective streak hasn't been out for a while, and it surprised me greatly.  But I guess, it shouldn't have, with the interesting dynamic Roma and I have.

Blah, self analysis, blah, feelings.  Before I get too much further into that, work calls.  Hahaha, early morning blogging, this may have to be a thing, before I get too in depth on topics :)

What Masochism Means To Me

Warning - adult themes

Was talking to one of my non-kink mates yesterday, and, as sometimes happens, that area of my life was being discussed.  It's not an every time I catch up with Aberdeen thing, but the subject crops up from time to time.  And I explained masochism so well that I wanted to remember it to write it down.

It's the vulnerability, it's the inner truth about it all.

When you are getting whacked to breaking point, and if you are in the right headspace - in other words, not dissolving into giggles or doing a comedy routine with the pain, both of which are quite enjoyable in other circumstances.  If you are in the right headspace, and you are crying and a mess and all the rest, it is truth, it is a moment, it is a connection.

Ninety nine point nine percent of 21st Century First World life is fake.  Simple as that.  In the real world we are all hiding our fears, insecurities, putting our best face forward almost all the time.  We have enough to eat, enough to drink, enough disposable income and time to need this thing called entertainment, with business trying to sell us stuff we don't actually need.

Masochism and pain cuts through all that.  Even if it is just at a service level, rather than an actual emotional connection, it cuts through all the real world white noise.  And if you are lucky enough to have an emotional connection beyond just friendship or topping with the person hurting you, it is a bajillion times better.

To be broken down, to fall apart, and then, if lucky, to be put back together again.  It's pretty amazing.  And usually lasts longer than sex lol.  And even with sex, there's a lot of white noise that goes on with that, the worrying about performance, the is the connection working right and all of that (at least in my, albeit limited experience lol), with pain and masochism, you run yourself ragged, raw.  Until the only thing that counts is the binary, the yes keep going or the no stop.

As my mind drifts to stuff that has happened in the past, and I catch myself craving it again.  Fuck, that wasn't supposed to happen, this was supposed to be objective and neutral lol.

Ah well, a good sleep will sort me out.  And then the NEW JOB in the morning.  Squee.

Is funny, with everything that has been going on in my personal life and the arguments that have been going on in the 'community' lately, I haven't missed kink all that much.  Aargh, overthinking.  Time to switch the brain off for the moment.

Two Job Offers, Wowzers

Dear [insert name here]

Thank you for the letter of offer for the Customer Service Officer role in Perth.  Unfortunately I have to advise that I will not be able to take up this opportunity, as I have also been offered, and intend to accept, a role with [insert telco name here].

Both offers came through within a few hours of each other on Friday afternoon, and I have spent the time since weighing up the pros and cons of each.  It has been a hard decision to make, as I know I have the drive to excel at [insert bank name here], and the role offered is a perfect fit to my skills and abilities, but I do have to decline.

I am sure the next candidate on your list is perfectly capable of taking on the position when offered.  I truly appreciate the time and effort you and your colleagues have put into my application, and I wish you all the best with the rest of the recruitment process.

Kind regards

And that's how you write one of these type of letters, which I have NEVER had to do before.  Wowzers indeed.

Mission Accomplished

So, the 2014 job hunt is over.  I'm going with the telco, who I interviewed with today, and knocked their damned socks off.  During the thing the interviewer said, have you been ultra coached in what to say, this sounds so much like a script, which kind of hurt my feelings because that's not how I roll nowadays - as my current employer would be able to confirm, I fucking hate scripts - but she was just having difficulty putting what she was meaning into words.  When the job agency got back to me, they said that I had apparently done the perfect interview.  That's what the interviewer was trying to say during the actual thing.

It gave me an inordinate amount of satisfaction to actually type a resignation email, as the telco wants me starting on Monday, which was a full week before my current employer contract ended.  All the bile and bitterness and hurt that I have been hiding away, well, not quite come to the foreground, but I didn't have to shove it to the deepest part of me.  I mean, in time I will get over it, but the fact that my current boss is the one that kicked me to the kerb while at the same time I have to rely on her to give me a great reference, it was an interesting balancing act.

The bank still hasn't gotten back to me, which is a shame.  But, the telco job is dealing with government and large corporate customers (this being Perth, think of the big miners basically), the bank job would be an every person, every type of issue kind of role, and to be honest, I am sick of being a generalist.  I think it is about time to specialise a bit.  Much as I would love to get into banking, and much as I think I will actually get offered the position, and much as I actually think I would thrive in it, I'm going with the telco.

And not just because it is three minutes walk to Roma's apartment.  Fringe benefit indeed, though.  Lol.

So, three weeks, forty two applications, ten interviews.  Done and dusted.  Onto planning the rest of the year.  Melbourne, with Roma.  Moving into the central city with Joburg.  Dress ups and shenanigans.  Going out for dinners, though perhaps more cooking as well.  Yoga.  Art.

And lunch with Roma, and dinner with Johannesburg.  Fucking great start to the New Era.

Though in reality, this is the same employer I had in Brisbane, which I only left because I was moving to Perth, and couldn't do an internal transfer.  Maybe we can call the last two jobs on my resume since coming West, Career Interruptus?  The fact that it is with the large corporates though was the icing on the cake that sealed the deal.

Also, the fact that the interviewer was a team leader for another section but was already trying to poach me, during the actual damned interview, was a good sign.  

Normal Service Resumes

As far as Wednesdays with Roma go, the normal service resuming.  She was out of town last week, and I didn't know what to do with myself, other than, you know, have two meltdowns lol.  But a bit of unwinding, from both our sides, this evening, with takeaway Italian from one of our fave spots.

And then just collapsing onto the couch with a bit of exhaustion.  And showing her my Brisbane facebook photos, where I was trying to be alpha sporty bogan boy.  Cos that was always going to work lol.

She is my rock.  Roma that is.  Dammit, how on earth did THAT happen?  Asking the question while I'm grinning widely.

Onto the work seach side of things, the banking place that I interviewed with yesterday has already checked both my references, and gave them a good grilling by the sounds.  To check references the day after the interview, that's a good sign, surely?  And telco interview tomorrow.  Whom I have worked with for seven years in the past.  Is kinda the back up option, to be honest, and is a great location in the city, comparitively speaking.  And two other interviews on Friday and Tuesday lined up thus far.

But banking would be ace to break into.

Too, Too Busy

Have been almost too busy to even think lately, let alone write many (any) blog entries.  Between the job applications, and the job interviews, and slogging through current job, aka counting down the days there, and my social life being on almost skeleton crew the last couple of weeks.  It's been exhausting.

And three of the four besties were out of town for extended periods of time, but the last few days I have caught up with Jacksonville, Johannesburg and hmm, I don't think I have nicknamed the third one - Richmond, I think we will give her.  And will catch up with Roma tomorrow night.

And once I get a job sorted into the months ahead, I will be able to unwind somewhat.  Have had two strong bites, from the telco and banking industies.  Had a nibble from travel, but that was a thanks but no thanks in the end.  I don't think I had the sales killer instinct that they wanted.  Ah well, their loss.

And I'm struggling with sleep lately.  Casablanca gave me sleeping pills even.  They have worked more so than nothing, as in I was struggling to get to sleep in the first place.  Too much stress.

More tomorrow, hopefully.  Blogging, I mean, not stress.