The Slap

I don't usually bring the whole Sir or Mistress dynamic into my own blog, individually or collectively, as what goes on with or between them doesn't usually have much of an impact on me.  Today was different, and I feel I have to delve a bit into what is going on there to start making sense of it all.

Sir is coming off some heavy medication at the moment.  He is having some major withdrawal symptoms at the moment, and yesterday he said he felt like ants were crawling over his actual brain, and his moods are all over the place.

Mistress and Sir were off talking in the backyard early in the afternoon.  I was taking a break from the housework I was doing, wandered out, and got told quite curtly (by Mistress) that they were in the middle of a conversation.  One of those chopped liver moments, and I wandered back into the house, finished off the housework of that moment, and curled up on the couch biting my lip.  I haven't really bitten my lip for at least a month, so that is how annoyed I was.

And then when Sir did wander in, he asked whether I could do the vacuuming.  This after I had spent the entire morning doing various tasks for the two of them.  Again, annoyed me, but I would have calmed down and eventually done it.  Mistress noted that I was a bit off colour, and asked what was up.  I told her I felt like I was summarily dismissed, and it wasn't so much what was said as how it was said.  She kinda sorta agreed, and apologised for it, and called Sir over to the conversation.  She told him I had felt summarily dismissed, and he said yeah, and so what.  He went and got a drink, this conversation was in the kitchen, and I said well it felt like you had told me to fuck off.  I mouthed those words, as the kids were in the dining room and I didn't want to swear in front of them.

And then Sir belted me.  A HUGE slap to the face, with all the power he had to bear, no sense that he was pulling back any.  My glasses went flying, and I was just thankful I didn't hear them smash.  Mistress was aghast, and my mouth had just dropped into a huge O, and Sir was standing over me, saying something along the lines of do you want to go through that again, or something similar, I can't quite remember now.  It seemed like he was basically daring me to have another go.  When I didn't even know why he had hit me in the first place.

My stubborn streak ramped up when he was saying did I want more.  My mouth went into a thin line of defiance, and I almost, almost said something as stupid as bring it on then.  However, I made the split second realisation that the kids were in the dining room behind me, and a couple of more deep breaths, another couple of taunts from Sir, and I managed to swallow down my stubborness, my pain slut side, my wish to be beaten to a pulp, my overwhelming sense to be the victim - I managed to swallow all that down and said no.

This all happened in about thirty to forty five seconds.  Sir had a wild look in his eyes, as much as I could gauge from being virtually blind without my glasses, but he seemed to swallow something in himself as well, and told me to get out of his sight.  He didn't want to see me for the rest of the day, or some such, again, with all the emotion, I will have to check the Hansard.

Picked up my glasses, stormed out to the garage, slamming both the back door and the garage door on my way out.  The furthrest place away from him and the situation I could think of.  I haven't slammed a door like that in YEARS, it was quite affirming, in a very negative way.  Sitting on the spare bed, out the back, trying to think what the FUCK I had done wrong.  Wondering whether I had blown it, wondering whether to catch a bus into the city and disappear from view for a few hours, wondering whether they would ask me to move out.  Primarily wondering what side of the fence Mistress was falling on.

Negative thinking, in endless circles around and around, for about ten minutes or so.  Before I grew a spine again and decided to face the situation head on.  Whatever it would turn out to be.  I went into the kitchen, the kids stuck their heads up like meerkats, but then sunk down again, no sign of the adults.  I downed a glass of water in about ten seconds flat - those flight or fight endorphins really dehydrate you quickly - and went looking for them.

When they aren't anywhere else, they are usually in the bedroom.  I walked up to the bedroom door, paused, thinking whether I should knock or not, and then Sir said come in Elf.  Damned bare hardwood floors lol.  I went in, and he looked chastened at least.  That was a start.  He and Mistress were both sitting on the edge of the bed, and they asked me to take a seat.  I did, on the floor, against the wall.  Sir said to come closer.  I looked up at him with uncertainty, but did so.  He then proceeded to rub and pat my head, like a pet, while he apologised.  And I totally lost it, and burst into tears, and wouldn't stop.  I managed to get out that the slap wasn't what I was more annoyed about, it was the fact that my glasses, which aren't cheap, could have been totally wrecked.  Before Sir told me not to talk.

Mistress had explained things to him - apparently he thought I had told him to fuck off, when that wasn't the case at all.  Which is where my head was most confused, if I knew and was trying to get under his skin, the slap wouldn't have been as totally unexpected, out of the blue, and - in my mind at least - unprovoked as it was.  He was saying stuff about how he wasn't himself coming off the meds and all, and his moods were all over the place, blah blah blah.  He had apparently made the offer to Mistress to move back to his old place for a few days to sort himself out, but she had said no, to stay with us.  Sir was worried he wasn't safe around us.

Sir then left me and Mistress to talk for a bit, and the first thing she said was wondering whether keeping Sir around here was the best idea.  I have been depressed living by myself from time to time in the past, and that is the absolute pits.  And that was even without medication and/or withdrawals.  So he would be more in danger being by himself than being around us.  But Mistress and I discussed the fact that Sir was on his first and final warning for that type of thing.  He does that to either of us, or, god forbid, the kids, another time, and all previous agreements are out the window.  Mistress could see my stubborn streak bubbling up about two microseconds after I got hit, and she was just so thankful to me that I swallowed that, and didn't get beaten to a pulp in front of the kids.

That's the thing, the important thing about what he did.  He hit me, with the kids IN THE ROOM.  Brain explosion doesn't even start coming close to how STUPID that act was.

Mistress is struggling in herself with the whole Sir thing as well.  And that is all I will say on her thoughts.  Apart from that she is going through general depression as well.  She told me that I am basically the glue holding this situation together, both her and Sir's rock that they depend on.  As she said, someone has to be around here until both of them descend to planet Earth again.  With great responsibility comes great power, or is it the other way around lol.

I had a quick ten minute nap in the Big Bed, before having to slap on a happy face, as Mistress and I went shopping with the children, and Sir went off to work.  Slap happy face continued until children went to bed, shortly before I started blogging, and I could start figuring out the day again.

I was kinda sorta tempted not to mention the issue at all.  But then, there would have been a huge hole in my day, and I wouldn't have been able to convincingly sound like everything was happy clappy, and it would have been lying in a way, as it were.  Which isn't what anonymous, plausible deniability blogs should be about.

Mistress said it wasn't so much my pain slut side that would have delighted in being beaten to a pulp, it was more my continuing and sometimes overwhelming sense of victimhood.  The thought process that I don't deserve happiness, and it is all just an illusion and it is just one slap away from completely falling apart.

Anyways, tomorrow is a new day...