Frailty, Thy Name is Elf

I can feel the usual warning signs of oncoming Depression starting to emerge from the fog of stress I am going through at the moment.  I think it started when I was on the phone with my mother yesterday morning, and admitting that I may have to go back to previous employer, which may be necessary but is a bit of a fail at the same time.  Then Sir said we would take the clown car, which squeezes me in the back with the children.  As my suit only needed to be picked up, I suggested that I stay at home, but Sir insisted I come to be squished up with the kids.  That was also a bit of a fail.

My mood was obviously showing on my face at this time, and Mistress said what is wrong.  I said I didn't know, and then she hit the particular stress spot of the morning right on the nose, the fact that I would have to go to pick up my suit.  She said later she thought of what could be going on, and the money trigger was the first thing she thought of.  As I realised that was what had triggered me, the kids came out to the car.  And I felt I shouldn't vent in front of them.  And stewed in the back of the car for the trip into town, which was a different approach to the explosion I did last week.

But Sir and Mistress were still unhappy with me being petulant and sulky.  While Sir got the kids some food, Mistress sat me down and read me the Riot Act, again.  But the thing is, I have processed the stuff that Mistress has told me, and have relegated those things to the past like she wants.  I was trying a new coping mechanism yesterday, of withdrawing into myself rather than venting my spleen out loud, but still that annoyed them.  And the major issue wasn't about money or spending it per se, it was going and being reminded of the rubbish week I had by picking the suit up.  Different issue, believe it or not.  And I have been doing my utmost not to cry about things, and to keep things in perspective, and finding my quiet place when I need it.

The main thing is, it isn't the exact same thing triggering me each time I hit a flat spot.  Which I know isn't visible yet to The Boss, but I am doing my utmost best to follow instructions, to not fall apart every five seconds, and all the rest.  We dropped the kids off at wargaming store, and proceeded to shop.  Well, those two did, and I followed along behind - Sir said that I could have wandered off myself, but really, where would I have gone?  I am doing my utmost not to spend money at the moment, so shopping yesterday would have been a bit of a fail.

I had plenty of thinking time though, and was bringing out all these thought bubbles as to what was going on at the moment.  The most important of which was the realisation that the Big D might be on the horizon again.  Mistress asked when I raised that issue whether I was depressed at the moment, or whether the circumstances were merely there for it to occur.  I have battled depression for almost two decades now, I think I can recognise what goes on in my head related to that - I said it was just possibly on the horizon at the moment, but if things keep going the way they are, depression will definitely occur.  At least I am communicating it, even if the communication is disjointed and uncertain and circular.

Other thought bubbles were that I am throwing myself in to help Mistress and Sir too much and neglecting myself.  Another was that I have this overwhelming feeling of scruffiness the last couple of weeks, and when I am in suits and looking good I feel a bit of a fraud or failure, and I think that may be because I have internalised my role of house bitch too well.  Mistress said she goes through the same feelings from time to time.  Another, that I shop to cheer myself up - hence the stupid amount of shirts I own - but when I am tight with money, I don't shop, and therefore don't cheer myself up.  One of those vicious cycles.  And other generic feelings of inadequacy.

Oh, and another thing that flitted through my mind yesterday, while Mistress was having one of her epically long showers, was that Sir can just poke his head into the bathroom when she is showering anytime, whether the kids are here or not.  Which led to the thought of overnight sleeps and cuddles and all.  Which I am nowhere near getting to that same level of things.  I'm not talking about sex or that type of stuff at all, I am talking about comfort levels blah blah blah.  I didn't raise it with those two yesterday, because there would have been no point, I am not going to overnight sleep in Mistress' bed, I am not going to poke my head in the bathroom when she is showering.  I am merely the house elf.

Mistress bought me a new belt and wallet yesterday, which cheered me up.  Also cheered up after my major road block of the day, going to suit store, came and went.  It wasn't about the money, it wasn't about the suit, it was being reminded of the rubbish week.  Which, after about three hours of trying to explain this to the woman who knows me better than anyone else on the planet (you can just sense how circular and convoluted my discussions can get), she finally got my meaning.  She has a similar feeling about the subject of tattoos currently.

Mistress was saying later in the day that she didn't think I had ever really been called out when I was in a bad mood.  That I tended to accept that I was ignored when I was going through shit.  I replied that I thought I was ignored all the time, before I got here at least.  She also said that after a month, the honeymoon period may be over.  I thought the honeymoon period was over as soon as I got here, when fantasy intersected with the whole reality of things.  And it is not that I am any less in love with The Boss, or that my relationship with Sir or the kids has changed any, it is that whole internal issue of depression creeping back up on me and such.  Mistress, Sir and the kids and how I interact with them hasn't changed at all, I feel - it is the not having a job and all the outside the household issues that are coming through and strangling me.

Oh, and beating my head against the brick wall of applying for (basically) my old job.  That really annoyed me in the evening.  As well, I had asked Mistress whether I could consider myself a slave a couple of days ago, beyond the whole generic submissive thing.  I raised the issue again last night and she said no, she didn't think of me that way.  I asked her what she did think of me, and she didn't reply - her computer was giving her static again last night - and I said am I only the house elf.  And she said yes.  I didn't pursue the topic beyond that, but I don't think that's all I am, surely.

I know she dislikes labels and classifications and such, but kinda floating around, uncertain of what I am, that's not a great thing for me either.  Uncertainty is not one of my strong suits.  Oh, and the most idiotic thought of the day?  Earlier on, when I was doing petulance, I thought maybe I should head back There.  I didn't dare verbalise it though, because I was already on Mistress' nerves.  I did bring it up in the evening, and she said OMG, I really should beat the snot out of you for that.

Which I wouldn't have had a problem with.  Strange boy...