Psycho Killer

I killed a coffee pot this morning.  Rest in peace.  And then I was late for the bus.  When I do things, I do them epicly lol.  I saw the pot burning, but I thought it was just taking longer than usual to do its thing.  It wasn't until the plastic bits started melting off that I realised what a fail it was turning out to be.  Mistress had a good laugh, and Sir did fake angry (I think) as I had woken him up an hour earlier than he wanted.

No loss of brownie points though, but six of the best at the earliest opportunity.  Which likely won't be that early, damned school holidays starting next week.  Meh, I have stored up a whole heap of brownie points lately.

You may have noticed I didn't blog yesterday.  This was deliberate, as well as the fact I was wiped at 9.30 and in bed not much later than that.  Everything seems to be settling in okay, and not all that much to write.  I could have written about the fact that I was discussing make up and shoes with a good new mate of mine, via text.

Or I could have mentioned that Mistress and I are settling in very Pleasantville, almost a 50s TV show setting.  It's amazing how easy you can settle into routine.  The morning wake up coffee, the call on one of my breaks to see how her day is going, the call when I am commuting home - she noticed on Wednesday that I didn't immediately ring her when leaving work, she rang and said was I still in the office.

Also when getting home, sticking my head into the lounge and asking how the kids' days were, and the fact when it is a fine day that Mistress and I usually spend some time weeding or gardening.  Routine is lovely, especially when it is with the one you love.

Mistress said she always finds it funny when I am talking to her, how I describe her changes from day to day it seems.  It is always good, but it is always so so random.  She likes the uncertainty I think.

Yes, so I could have written about all that, but I felt I needed sleep more.  Killing the coffee pot meant I had something 'real' to write about this morning.

Redacted

Was a nice day today.  Got bounced from a job that I was crossing my fingers for, but am settling more into the job I already have, the phrase 'contract' got mentioned once or twice.  Quiet evening at home, everyone is in a better mood than earlier in the week.

Not much kink based has happened today, so is going to be a very short entry, but just remembered that I hadn't written FULLY about my pre Here experiences with that obliging couple over There.  Got reminded as I shuffled some note paper around the room, and the key word cue card from that episode came to hand.  As I can't stop grinning about it all.

Where are those pictures, hmm LOL LOL.

Accentuate The Positive

I was on the phone to a friend on the Other Side of the country tonight, and said everything is going fabulously.  In the middle of a later conversation with Mistress, she asked is that really the case, what with the weekend travails and all.  I said sure it is, I wouldn't be anywhere else.  And that is the absolute truth.

Apparently Sir and Mistress expected me to accept the apology that was immediately given, and move immediately on.  Like they did.  I don't work that way, and the apology was offered when I was totally in shock and not really processing much of anything all too effectively, so yeah, it wasn't as if I needed a second apology or anything, but just a question or two that I was okay or whatever yesterday would have been nice.  Not that I was okay of course, but you know what I mean.  And personally speaking, a day and a half turn around time from something so intensely unpleasant, I think that is a world record for me.  Back in the bad old days,  BM - Before Mistress - if something half as bad would have happened, I would have mulled over it, and honed my negativity and/or depression like a precious stone about the issue, for at least a full month.

Sir subcontracts the touchy feely stuff to Mistress, so it was she who had The Discussion with me this evening.  Summary dismissal, I should just get used to it, apparently.  And I will, I knew I was signing up as a secondary well before I got over here, it's just that I don't think summary dismissal has come up as a topic before, so I didn't have Orders as to how to react.  Now I do though.  In the sense that if I sulk about that type of thing again, Mistress will ignore me completely.  I sulk way less than I used to though, it is just the choice of sulking topics that I need to work on.  Child one was apparently more mature than me on Sunday (ouch).

It's a hard life being a secondary.  And other drinking game cliches hahaha.  Sir was annoyed at portions of my blog the other day, apparently the insinuation (which I didn't even contemplate) that Mistress may take my side of things.  When I wrote about what side of the fence she was falling on, I was meaning the fence between common sense and just accepting me getting whacked.  If that hasn't made the whole thing more convoluted than it already was.

Mistress said there wasn't a fence.  That she feels she has the skills to negotiate, mediate or whatever between the two of us, and if she can't.  Well, there was a shrugging of the shoulders at that point.  Yes, I know, I am the secondary, I am less important.  I don't want to contemplate beyond the shrugging of the shoulders, and indeed, 99% of the time, I quite like the vagueness of the assorted fences or fields or whatever.  I dislike clarity, if the situation works well enough without needing atomic clock or Large Hadron Collider preciseness, then why go for it.  And screw the neutrinos that go at faster than the speed of light LOL.

Not much else happened with the day.  The new housekeeping amount transferred across to Mistress' account, a bit of work, Mistress getting new meds, and hitting her head against drafting a new letter to the bank.  Which has been delegated to me.  Woot, Mistress said that over the last two years, no one else has done more for her than me.  My lip trembled as I wavered between smiling and bursting into tears when she said that, before I hid my face against her neck in a huge hug.  Sir would like to assist more, but he has other issues going on, which means he can't do it the way he would want to.

I iz important.  Woot.

Which is somewhat great, considering how much of myself I have thrown into the mix Here.

Red Right Hand

I'm still processing what happened yesterday.  I still am very very angry about it all.  It wasn't anywhere near being my fault at all, yet I am the one seemingly upset and withdrawn, and Sir is his usual chirpy self.  I keep going back to him daring me to say something else, to get hit again.  The day at work wasn't too horrid, but too many other things going on in my head about home.  And then when Mistress said Sir was picking me up after work, I groaned internally.

And have been very very quiet and withdrawn since I got home.  Work almost seemed a better option to stay at.  As I realise the enormity of what I just wrote.  Sir and the boys were boisterous, Mistress' mother came over, and Mistress was busy cooking.  I retreated to the bedroom to doze.

And am feeling like retreating to doze again.  This isn't good.

The Slap

I don't usually bring the whole Sir or Mistress dynamic into my own blog, individually or collectively, as what goes on with or between them doesn't usually have much of an impact on me.  Today was different, and I feel I have to delve a bit into what is going on there to start making sense of it all.

Sir is coming off some heavy medication at the moment.  He is having some major withdrawal symptoms at the moment, and yesterday he said he felt like ants were crawling over his actual brain, and his moods are all over the place.

Mistress and Sir were off talking in the backyard early in the afternoon.  I was taking a break from the housework I was doing, wandered out, and got told quite curtly (by Mistress) that they were in the middle of a conversation.  One of those chopped liver moments, and I wandered back into the house, finished off the housework of that moment, and curled up on the couch biting my lip.  I haven't really bitten my lip for at least a month, so that is how annoyed I was.

And then when Sir did wander in, he asked whether I could do the vacuuming.  This after I had spent the entire morning doing various tasks for the two of them.  Again, annoyed me, but I would have calmed down and eventually done it.  Mistress noted that I was a bit off colour, and asked what was up.  I told her I felt like I was summarily dismissed, and it wasn't so much what was said as how it was said.  She kinda sorta agreed, and apologised for it, and called Sir over to the conversation.  She told him I had felt summarily dismissed, and he said yeah, and so what.  He went and got a drink, this conversation was in the kitchen, and I said well it felt like you had told me to fuck off.  I mouthed those words, as the kids were in the dining room and I didn't want to swear in front of them.

And then Sir belted me.  A HUGE slap to the face, with all the power he had to bear, no sense that he was pulling back any.  My glasses went flying, and I was just thankful I didn't hear them smash.  Mistress was aghast, and my mouth had just dropped into a huge O, and Sir was standing over me, saying something along the lines of do you want to go through that again, or something similar, I can't quite remember now.  It seemed like he was basically daring me to have another go.  When I didn't even know why he had hit me in the first place.

My stubborn streak ramped up when he was saying did I want more.  My mouth went into a thin line of defiance, and I almost, almost said something as stupid as bring it on then.  However, I made the split second realisation that the kids were in the dining room behind me, and a couple of more deep breaths, another couple of taunts from Sir, and I managed to swallow down my stubborness, my pain slut side, my wish to be beaten to a pulp, my overwhelming sense to be the victim - I managed to swallow all that down and said no.

This all happened in about thirty to forty five seconds.  Sir had a wild look in his eyes, as much as I could gauge from being virtually blind without my glasses, but he seemed to swallow something in himself as well, and told me to get out of his sight.  He didn't want to see me for the rest of the day, or some such, again, with all the emotion, I will have to check the Hansard.

Picked up my glasses, stormed out to the garage, slamming both the back door and the garage door on my way out.  The furthrest place away from him and the situation I could think of.  I haven't slammed a door like that in YEARS, it was quite affirming, in a very negative way.  Sitting on the spare bed, out the back, trying to think what the FUCK I had done wrong.  Wondering whether I had blown it, wondering whether to catch a bus into the city and disappear from view for a few hours, wondering whether they would ask me to move out.  Primarily wondering what side of the fence Mistress was falling on.

Negative thinking, in endless circles around and around, for about ten minutes or so.  Before I grew a spine again and decided to face the situation head on.  Whatever it would turn out to be.  I went into the kitchen, the kids stuck their heads up like meerkats, but then sunk down again, no sign of the adults.  I downed a glass of water in about ten seconds flat - those flight or fight endorphins really dehydrate you quickly - and went looking for them.

When they aren't anywhere else, they are usually in the bedroom.  I walked up to the bedroom door, paused, thinking whether I should knock or not, and then Sir said come in Elf.  Damned bare hardwood floors lol.  I went in, and he looked chastened at least.  That was a start.  He and Mistress were both sitting on the edge of the bed, and they asked me to take a seat.  I did, on the floor, against the wall.  Sir said to come closer.  I looked up at him with uncertainty, but did so.  He then proceeded to rub and pat my head, like a pet, while he apologised.  And I totally lost it, and burst into tears, and wouldn't stop.  I managed to get out that the slap wasn't what I was more annoyed about, it was the fact that my glasses, which aren't cheap, could have been totally wrecked.  Before Sir told me not to talk.

Mistress had explained things to him - apparently he thought I had told him to fuck off, when that wasn't the case at all.  Which is where my head was most confused, if I knew and was trying to get under his skin, the slap wouldn't have been as totally unexpected, out of the blue, and - in my mind at least - unprovoked as it was.  He was saying stuff about how he wasn't himself coming off the meds and all, and his moods were all over the place, blah blah blah.  He had apparently made the offer to Mistress to move back to his old place for a few days to sort himself out, but she had said no, to stay with us.  Sir was worried he wasn't safe around us.

Sir then left me and Mistress to talk for a bit, and the first thing she said was wondering whether keeping Sir around here was the best idea.  I have been depressed living by myself from time to time in the past, and that is the absolute pits.  And that was even without medication and/or withdrawals.  So he would be more in danger being by himself than being around us.  But Mistress and I discussed the fact that Sir was on his first and final warning for that type of thing.  He does that to either of us, or, god forbid, the kids, another time, and all previous agreements are out the window.  Mistress could see my stubborn streak bubbling up about two microseconds after I got hit, and she was just so thankful to me that I swallowed that, and didn't get beaten to a pulp in front of the kids.

That's the thing, the important thing about what he did.  He hit me, with the kids IN THE ROOM.  Brain explosion doesn't even start coming close to how STUPID that act was.

Mistress is struggling in herself with the whole Sir thing as well.  And that is all I will say on her thoughts.  Apart from that she is going through general depression as well.  She told me that I am basically the glue holding this situation together, both her and Sir's rock that they depend on.  As she said, someone has to be around here until both of them descend to planet Earth again.  With great responsibility comes great power, or is it the other way around lol.

I had a quick ten minute nap in the Big Bed, before having to slap on a happy face, as Mistress and I went shopping with the children, and Sir went off to work.  Slap happy face continued until children went to bed, shortly before I started blogging, and I could start figuring out the day again.

I was kinda sorta tempted not to mention the issue at all.  But then, there would have been a huge hole in my day, and I wouldn't have been able to convincingly sound like everything was happy clappy, and it would have been lying in a way, as it were.  Which isn't what anonymous, plausible deniability blogs should be about.

Mistress said it wasn't so much my pain slut side that would have delighted in being beaten to a pulp, it was more my continuing and sometimes overwhelming sense of victimhood.  The thought process that I don't deserve happiness, and it is all just an illusion and it is just one slap away from completely falling apart.

Anyways, tomorrow is a new day...

Vampyr

Not too much to report with today.  Watched some sport, spent some quality time out the front lawn with Mistress as she was weeding the garden, sorted out financial matters.

However, Mistress went to Ikea yesterday, and got me a frame for my Munch print.  The Vampyr one.  And it fit perfectly, and apparently she didn't even measure the thing, she just has a good sense for measurements and such.  So, it is in the frame now, and rather than it be in the spare room, which, when fixed, will end up being my room, and hardly anyone being able to see it, both Mistress and I discussed putting it in one of the communal areas.  The lounge perhaps, because the art is a bit dark to be contemplating over coffee and cornflakes in the dining room.

It would be like a piece of me in a prominent area of the house.  Which would be awesome.  Not that I don't have other parts of my life scattered around the communal areas - ties, I am looking at you - but you know what I mean.  I said to Sir that Vampyr was up on the wall of my first girlfriend's bedroom, so he probably thinks it is a reminder of an ex.  But the print, really, really talks to me, beyond just the whole ex angle.

I look at that painting, and I think what I would be like without Mistress as a full and final backstop in my life.  Eternally either being or playing the victim around women.  But with Mistress around, she is protecting me from that fate, as it were, and my assertiveness, my self esteem and all the rest is blossoming.  Or I might just be talking a load of rubbish in this paragraph.

It is a very powerful painting for me, however it actually gets interpreted.

Perfection

Two vignettes from the day.  The first of which being lunch.  Mistress had come into town for her interview, which went okay it seems, and she dropped by work to have lunch with me.  And I took her to this awesome French patisserie just around the corner from my office.  We had French sticks with brie, avocado and sundried tomatoes, lattes, and chocolate croissants.  We sat outside, in the shade, with potted flower beds around us.  Very Parisian.  And I just totally blissed out.  One of those times where nothing needs to be said, and just to be absorbed for future reference.  Was the perfect day to sit outside as well.

Hoping that, while Mistress isn't working, a lunch once a week could maybe become a regular occurrence.  Though she might have gotten a job being an office girl, lined up by Sir - not at his work of course, but someplace he knows.

Second moment of the day, the children have a couple of their friends over for a sleepover.  Mistress and Sir seemed to be drained by it all, but the whole houseful of kids thing, it is still a novelty for me, so I was happy and smiling for no particular reason, and making sure the table settings were just so.  I don't want to delve too deeply into thinking about why a houseful of kids makes me happy, but - hmm, reminds me of earlier in the day.  The carnival - for want of a vagueish term - is coming to town next month, and the thought of following the kids around at the fairgrounds, with Sir and Mistress also in the vicinity.  Well, it almost made me squee.

I had been to the carnival over There last year, but being by yourself, being an adult, it just isn't the same.

Being Here is just completing me so much, to borrow that awful phrase from Jerry Maguire.  Sir apparently said to Mistress the last couple of weeks I have been as happy as a pig in mud.  I don't disagree with that assessment, to be honest.

Funniest line of the week - friend of one of the kids today said to me 'are you the neighbour?'  Rolling On The Floor Laughing My Ass Off.  Indeed.

Rhapsody in Blue

Mistress is playing the piano.  She hasn't played it for approximately two years, and she is a bit rusty, but one of the things she has said that will make her happy in the future - hopefully the near future - is having enough spare time to play the piano at least twice a week.

Is a bit of a win, because the rest of her day has been a bit flat.  Again.  I said to her that I wished I could be in two places at once - as in, one part of me out working and earning money, the other part of me at home looking after her.  Because to be frank, she does need looking after.  She said to me that it is a bit of a struggle getting any sort of motivation at home by herself.  And the bank basically shoved her proposal to reorganise the mortgage down her throat.  Which Mistress was kind of expecting, and next step is going to the government body that looks after banking regulations, but still, she took a bit of an emotional hit with it all.

She does have a job interview tomorrow.  Which I think is a positive, even if she is talking herself down.  And catching up for lunch will be awesome.  It is funny, we were talking during my morning break, and we miss each other in the daytime, even though we are now in the same city, only ten kays apart (during the day).  Sweet, in an almost sickly way.

Oh, and talking of work, god, if I stay at this current job for much longer, I will take over the place.  My manager today was saying you have had experience of how to do things a particular way, what would you advise we do with our team.  I was like gobsmacked, but I was even more gobsmacked at how I jumped in and gave actual, you know, advice.  Amazed at myself, looking from the inside, how I am at the moment.

With the rush in the mornings now that I am working, I still make time to make Mistress coffee.  There is something nice about sharing the morning coffee and/or slice of toast with her.  Drinking from the same cup, taking bites out of the same slice.  Just a sense of uber comfort with her.  I hope she somewhat feels the same way.

Oh, and that's another thing.  I saw Mistress post on a discussion about keeping focus while being property, as she is to Sir.  Not that I consider myself property - primarily because she won't let me think that way lol - but for mine, how I keep focus is the thought of how things would be Here without me in her life.  And, not being a big head about how much I am helping around here, but the thought of what would happen without me here, to be honest, scares me.

She has been barely coping as it is, with all the resources and concentration of both myself and Sir to hand.  So, I need to keep focus in serving them both, and that is that.

The Sweetest Thing

As I type this, with the title from a U2 song, Mistress was humming and singing beside me to songs on her music player.  Well at least until she went to the Gloria Gaynor 'Dance Mix When You Don't Need A Dance Mix' version of I Will Survive.  Seriously, it was like as if Ricky Martin had got the French horn.  The instrument, as I laugh at myself for that inadvertent double entendre.

But getting away from Gloria Gaynor singing The Heat Is On now - and no, my ears aren't hallucinating - when Mistress sings and hums it is awesome.  She is happy when that happens.  And I like Mistress being happy.  Which is why my music on my phone has suddenly picked up a lot of her music taste, especially when doing our semi regular road trips.  And she sings so well.

Now she - Mistress - is deliberately torturing me with Gloria singing - I use the word advisedly - Careless Whisper.  God knows what the next CD she is going to put on is.  Amy Winehouse.  S'alright.

Anyways, onto the day.  Work was good, I actually put myself into the phone queues today.  And it wasn't all too difficult.  And everyone in the office seems very welcoming and friendly, and I think my boss already loves me - in a proper working relationship sense, not Michael Douglas and Demi Moore in that stupid movie.  Seriously, what did anyone ever see in Demi Moore?  She got photographed pregnant on the cover of Vanity Fair, made one good movie - A Few Good Men - where she had an awesome supporting cast, and then what?  Oh, Ashton Kutcher. 

Though I can hardly say anything about the Demi and Ashton thing with the situation I find myself in Here with Mistress and Sir lol.    But the above two paragraphs show how easily distracted I am tonight hmm.  Plus the previous three paragraphs.  I am in a good place, and I am happy.

I was on the phone to my mate in England earlier today, and she could hear how bubbly I was from all that way away.  How obliteratingly happy I am.  In previous relationships, I always had at least one corner of me doubting about how things were going, but with Mistress (and Sir) I have no doubts whatsoever.  Which isn't to say I am deliberately blind to any issues, just that I can't actually see any at this time.  Surely that means I am still in the honeymoon period? 

Anyways, enough of that analysis.

I had that job interview today.  Well, really, it seemed less an interview as I have understood it before, it was kinda sorta a chat between me, the general manager of sales, and one of the directors of the company.  It is a multinational, but the set up Here is that it is a fairly autonomous unit, owned by the local directors who are the shareholders.  Not a listed company though - as I feel I sound like the Financial Times suddenly hahaha.  It's not your regular interview when the guy brings out the whiteboard and writes up the organisational structure.  It was less an interview for the role I would be taking on immediately, but seemed more like an interview for the job in the company I would be taking on in two or three years time.  Very strange, compared to the numerous interviews I have had the previous few weeks.

And I am sure the director was asking questions out of left field just to see how I reacted, and how I could relate.  And they were both the kind of people who could remember the entire conversation without taking one single note, and come back to something I had said half an hour before.  But the funny thing was, I was in no way daunted or intimidated at all.  The best line I came up with was, potential boss said 'have you got a to do list', and I said, I did before I got Here, and now I am doing my to do list.  Although I didn't say 'this is what I got up to on Saturday night' lol lol. 

It's funny, the two interviews I feel I have aced the last few weeks have been the ones in which there was absolutely no pressure on me.  No wait, I take that back - the interview I had last week that I got through to second interview today with, I thought I blew because I wasn't rah rah sales enough.  And I apparently flew through to today's thing.

We will see.  But I feel I aced this interview at least.  Which probably actually means I crashed and burned hahaha.  We will see.  It's been an okay day.  Mistress has been a little unmotivated herself, and Sir is exhausted from his work, but I am doing my best to support them both, without actually throwing myself into the trenches every five seconds.  If you know what I mean.  Like an emergency service, most of the time is spent in the station entertaining myself, but I am to hand Just In Case.

'In Case of Emergency, Break Elf.'

God, I Am Good At What I Do

Regards the post title today, it is specifically referring to what I do at work.  Three days in, and I have already got fulsome praise from my 'customers' - being the public service, I don't think we actually have customers, do we?  But made a member of the public very happy, calmed down her panic, and got a lovely email reply back after I had sent her some useful web links.  Which was nice.

Mistress had said last night that if I stay with current job or get the new job, either place will be extremely lucky to have me.  Being a permanent position, gives me holiday pay and annual leave.  Which is another positive of permanent over temp work.  And I went through my temp contract today, and there isn't all that much keeping me with them.  They 'expect' me to see out the temp contract, but nothing that I can see that is really binding.  I might talk to Mistress about it, who has the brains and patience to go through contracts with a fine tooth comb lol.

Oh, and I forgot to mention that I had dinner with my parents and grandmother last night.  Went to a lovely pub in town, that I had been glancing at from time to time but hadn't quite gotten in yet.  Mistress, Sir and the kids stayed at home - they made a good impression last week, and Mistress had said she wasn't in the mood to do additional entertaining.  She is a bit flat lately.  Dinner was very nom though, and I thought during the middle of it that it would be nice to bring Mistress and/or the tribe there, and omg, I'm the local here now out of those that were at the table.

I will catch up with Mum and Dad next month, but saying goodbye to Grandma, I tried to hide it but I got a bit teary.  Not sure when the next time I will see her is, she isn't a spring chicken anymore, and I dunno, kind of just soaking in the conversation and the time with her.  On saying goodbye, she said to me look after yourself.  I replied, yes, yes I am.  She came back with oh stop being self satisfied and smug, to which I said seriously, I haven't looked after myself this well for a long, long time.  And then gave her a second hug.

Today, work work work.  Got home and the place exploded around me basically.  Child two was showing a bit too much cheek and Mistress and then Sir shouted at him.  Mistress was snappy at me for a bit, before she showed her Achilles heel to me - the best way to distract her from most anything else, is put a recipe book or a food magazine under her nose lol.  Just a quiet night, the deal was if I did the dishes, she would do the ironing.  We watched the television in the background for a while, before Mistress retired to bed.  Gave her a quick back massage before she went.  Which was nice.

For Sunday and Monday, I had hardly spent any time with Mistress.  Which feels a bit strange, to be honest.  Even though I was socialising with friends and family, it just felt different without The Boss around.  So it was nice to spend a few hours of quality time with her tonight.  I don't have anything else social planned for the rest of the week, and hoping to get out, with Mistress if possible, to a pub to watch some sport on Saturday.

Will see how things go.

Only Happy When It Rains

No, I haven't gone all depressed overnight.  But more a reference to when it rains it pours - in the positive sense.  And even though it is such a negative song title, the song itself is gorgeous in its nihilism.  And Garbage's lead singer, Shirley Manson, was one of my major celebrity crushes during the 90s.  I wonder whether she is still as eminently fuckable as she used to be LOL.  Damned redheads, as I dissolve into squee hehehe.

So, I told the employment agencies that were still looking for jobs for me that I had gotten a job.  Got messages saying good luck and the rest early in the day, and then mid morning, while working, I had a new message from one of them.  Waited until my morning break until my curiosity got the better of me, and I was thinking they wouldn't be trying to get back to me with bad news.  Turns out, they had gotten my message, but hadn't told the client that I was off the market.  The client got back to them, and said they would want me to come to a second interview - well, third, if you count the vetting from the agency in the first place.  Which, omg, took place only last Wednesday.  When things move, they move fast.  And this second interview with the client company will be with their GM.  I don't think I have EVER had an interview with a GM.

And, instead of retreating into the bunker of 'I already have a job, safe, comfortable, boring', I decided to take a chance, organised my availability for an interview in my head, and let the agent then do the hard yards of making it so.  For the first time in the whole job and interview process since I got Here, I felt in control of the situation, I didn't immediately fold into acquiescence and just take what they gave me.  Well, maybe the second time, when I went for the initial interview with the client, Mistress had hardened my spine not to accept anything less than a certain amount of money.  Which I did so.

I was quite proud of my assertiveness.  When I told Mistress, I think she was quite proud of my assertiveness as well.  And when I got home, I hugged her and mentioned the A word.  She beamed at me, almost but not quite in shock kinda sorta.  And I am so proud that I am able to assist her by working and getting paid.  Of course I love doing her housework - and yes, part of me is in shock at how true that statement has become for me - but this way I am even more of a net positive than I was before.

It's not that I dislike the job I am currently doing.  I can see myself thriving in it given a few months.  And my line managers are already singing my praises to the higher ups, two days in - had a five minute talk to the divisional director today, and she is looking forward to seeing what I can do.  It is just that the culture of potential second job was quite relaxed, yet at the same time a work hard play hard mentality.  They had soccer shirts up in their boardroom, and I said they needed an Arsenal shirt up there as I was finishing off the interview - well, maybe not, with the season the Gunners are having.  Bit of levity goes a long way sometimes, if put into the exact right spot.  And did I mention that my potential line manager is another mega hot blonde, with a huge -

Smile?

Although I did have a headache all through the day.  Probably the combination of Saturday's endorphins, Sunday's beer, and today's actual, you know, learning shit at work thing.  It's gone now though, relaxing at home with the Bosses.  I think I wrote enough about Saturday's fun, and last night's entry was almost a haiku, it was that sparse of details.

So yes, caught up with heaps of mates, one of whom keeps sticking her tongue down my throat, but just in a teasing, see what it is like kind of way.  Dunno whether anything will come of it, but she is cute enough to keep me interested hahaha.  She does make me twitch delightfully most of the time, and the feel of her body under my hands, mmmm.  But, at the same time, I'm not going anywhere and am totally Mistress' and only play with her permission.  Both her and Sir had decided to take a raincheck on the munch, and I was, metaphorically at least, let off the leash.

When Sir dropped me off at the train station, he said to get drunk and get felt up by cute girls.  Tick, and tick hehehe.  And, it being a kink crowd, some of the conversations I found myself in, geez one girl in particular is pretty shameless.  Conversations about plastic sheeting on beds after she came and messed five normal sheets in the quite recent past.  And her attitude towards vanillas, is very - I use the word advisedly - puritanical.  The only good vanilla is one she has perverted to the other side and some such.  And the birthday girls, there were about four of them, having Kiss Me cards on their shirts, and getting their kisses however they wanted them lol.

There were six of us there when I left.  A lot of them had left for a Chinese dinner, but I was trying to save money, even though I had spent a considerable amount on the night.  I'm sure I shouted as much alcohol to the mates as I actually drank.  Damn my generosity.

When she picked me up, Mistress giggled at how smashed I was.  I didn't think I was at the time, but really truly, I was more than just tipsy lol.  I'm kinda glad that when I got home the kids were already in bed.  Being around kink people, and with the conversations I was sharing with Mistress and Sir, glad the kids were apparently asleep.  Sir said how can you turn around and go to work in the morning - Mistress, with her knowledge of my socialising patterns over There, knows I can do it very easily when I have to lol.

And damn, I look good in a suit.

Another Month, Another Munch

So yes, went out to a munch today.  Talked to various people, one of whom stuck her tongue down my throat about ten times.  Which was nice.  She said she had organised a plan with Sir for her to fuck me, for Mistress to fuck me, and for Sir to fuck her and Mistress.  Which would be interesting, if it actually occurs.

Though too many endorphins rushing around from last night to really take much of today fully on board.  Plus the whole beer intake thing.  Was a lovely afternoon, although I didn't have my camera.  Talked to about ten people in depth during the afternoon.  Which was a positive.

More tomorrow, when I sober up a bit more LOL.

The Collar Maketh The Sub

I was admiring myself in a bathroom mirror last night, at a kink party Sir and Mistress took me along to.  As much as the corset is red and leather and gorgeous, and I even shaved my armpits to give more authenticity to the experience, nothing, absolutely nothing, means more to me when doing that type of thing than the collar.  Or indeed most things, apart from perhaps work.  Even when I'm not wearing it, there is an invisible bond between me and Mistress that is so, so very strong - at least in my eyes.  But when I am wearing it, and Mistress has put it on slightly tighter than I usually have it...

Well, let's just say the corset was nice when it was put on, but when Mistress put the collar on, and asked whether it was okay and not too tight - leaning into her, sharing her personal, intimate space - I mean, she could have been strangling me and I would still be blissy.  And not just because of oxygen deprivation.  Was talking to Sir this morning, and he was saying I would have felt it if he had put it on too tight - I said I would notice if Mistress put it on too tight, I just wouldn't freaking care.

We won't go over yesterday day, everyone was just a little bit irritable.  The kids, Sir, Mistress, me even.  So yes, we are starting from when the collar got put on.  Mistress still wasn't feeling a hundred percent, so she asked to 'hide' in the back while we drove to where the party was.  Wearing the corset and the collar, was so comfortable in that gear as well.  A bit strange.  Nothing to do with my later, temporary blissiness either, was just not self conscious about myself at all.  I am totally blossoming in my submissiveness, and being Here and everything. 

Bumped into one of the girls I had met at the munch last month, who I had been meaning to email, but hadn't gotten around to it.  This was the one who was going to turn me into a pincushion.  Was perfect timing as well, because she had her needle kit, and she was in the mood to - is pierce the right word?  Not sure.  She was in the mood to stick needles in someone, and I glanced at Mistress grinning widely, I don't know whether she nodded or anything, but it was just some sort of ESP between us that I knew I had her permission.  Or maybe it was just something as pedestrian as giving her permission when last we spoke about it, though mind reading and ESP sounds better lol.

Needle Girl looked at my glass of wine, said is it your first, to which I said yes, and she said to stop drinking.  Mistress helpfully topped up her wine with the remains of mine, and off we were to massage table.  Got the whole safety talk, which consisted of you don't have allergic reactions to needles or antiseptics, emergency exits are here, here and here.  Got asked whether I wanted a girly pattern to go with the lovely, though girly corset I have.  I was struck dumb for about five seconds, looking between her and Mistress, before giving up thinking about how to deflect any inferences and just said, yes, girly would be nice.

She rubbed my back with some sort of antiseptic, and then said I will put two in first, to see whether you like it or not, and go from there.  Mistress had sat down on a bean bag, really close to me, to watch.  She doesn't think she could ever willingly do needles, but at least she wasn't in the corner of the room, catatonic like she has threatened to do with some of my kink experiments.  The two went in fine, half a second of a twinge of pain each, and then didn't feel anything.  I said to her to go on, and put more in.  Which she did so. 

Mistress had gotten Sir's phone with the camera on it by this stage, and was either sitting down near my face or standing up peering over my back - oh, and that's another thing, when we left home last night, I realised I didn't have my wallet or phone, not that it would have mattered, as The Bosses said, but anyways, the only two people I would have absolutely wanted to talk to on the phone last night were, you know, actually THERE.  Woot!

As the session went on, the pain of the pin pricks got more and more, but nothing unbearable.  And I was starting to get blissy.  Occasionally sticking my head up, scoping the situational awareness of where Mistress was.  She came over and held my hand about half way through, and then I felt a second hand.  I thought Mistress had put both her hands in mine, but I opened my eyes briefly and it was Sir.  Who was actually smiling in a non sadistic way, which is a rare occurrence for him lol.  Just the inner strength I feel when I am blissy and the TWO of them are involved, like when I was flogged in April, just makes me even more blissy happy.

I mean, Sir was giving grisly threats like he usually does, but he never usually holds my hand when I am in the middle of something, and knowing that they were there, when the pin pricks went in, squeezing BOTH their hands harder for a second.  Perfection.  Maybe there is a human being there inside of Sir hahahahah, I kid, I kid. 

And Needle Girl herself was enjoying herself, dare I say getting off on it.  She had told Mistress she hadn't played like this since December.  And then, after all the needles were in - towards the end of it, she put bigger gauge needles in, which hurt for two or three seconds apiece rather than the half second of the smaller ones, and she kept coming down to my ear (I was facedown) asking if I was still enjoying it, was still feeling okay and all of that.  Was nice to feel that cared for, even though it wasn't Mistress or Sir.  And then she asked whether I had had enough, I was getting a bit over blissy I think, but no retreat, no surrender, I asked for just a few more.  Which she did.

Once they were in, there was no pain, at all.  I was a bit concerned when she said that they hurt going out as well, in case they hurt MORE going out than coming in, but by that stage it was too late.  She then proceeded to give me a massage, while the needles were in, which surprisingly, apart from a couple of times, you couldn't feel the needles at all, even when she was pressing down directly on them.  And then she brought the fingernails out, and I knew she was enjoying herself as well then, as she scratched into me, and I was squirming deliciously.  Sir was making all sorts of grisly threats from the side by this stage, about salt and antiseptic and vinegar.  Which made me twitch, in the positive sense, the thought of the potential pain involved in them.  So yes, salt and antiseptic and pure alcohol came out and all were applied to my back, but apart from a couple of times, when the antiseptic especially went into wounds, no pain at all.  Was somewhat disappointed.

Sir got his own back though, when I didn't react to the supposedly painful stuff by whacking my back hard.  Which twinged, but in hindsight, am pretty sure my back was thoroughly anaesthetised by this stage.  So he hit both sides of my stomach, which did make me jump.  LOL, the lesson here is never bliss out in front of a sadist hahaahah. 

The needles came out, with less pain than I was anticipating.  I groggily got off the massage table, gave Needle Girl a huge hug and the promise that we would have to do this again, with the larger gauge needles even.  Sir said this morning that they used those sizes for lethal injections and such.  I replied squee, and he came back with strange boy.  Yes, I know, especially on the whole pain and kink experimentation side.

And then gave Mistress two huge blissy hugs, with kisses to the neck, and sweet nothings and all, and was gently led away to a chair.  She got a coffee for me, as I started talking to some new (to me) people.  Blissy, in a corset, talking about the stuff over There before I got here.  Mistress came down and we did the brief run down of how we met and all to the hostess.  Potted history, friends, visiting, dragged to an event on a leash and collar, OMG I'm submissive, but we are still only friends, wait, we're suddenly more than friends, but you have a guy already, oh well, let's see how it works out.  Yeah, that is basically it up to this point hahaha. 

Wandered around the rest of the house, saw some interesting kink equipment.  One or two of which I would have liked to try, but I had already had my fun, so I didn't want to be greedy.  I tried not to hang around too much with Mistress and Sir directly, but the whole situational awareness, having a vague idea of where they were even when I was in another room or whatever.  Knowing that they were still in the house at least, as I came down from my bliss out, was nice.

Mistress especially had this small, sweet smile on her face face, seemingly whenever we made eye contact.  And I am sure she was absolutely proud of me last night, I made polite conversation with new people, as well as the friends I already have, and was just so comfortable in my kink wear.  This is totally my place in the world, within arms reach (metaphorically) of Mistress.  The way she words it, our comfort levels and affection for each other (I think we were both trying to avoid the L word to this crowd) is due to my total trust in her, amongst which is the trust that she looks out for my best interests. 

And it was interesting talking to other male subs.  I have a good boss.  One of the guys there was soooooo deferential, even to fellow subs, and his Boss, or at least the person who was 'actively considering' him, seemed to be sadistic and asking all the little things of him, and he felt he needed to check in with her every five minutes or something.  Looking at him, I realise how lucky I am to be with Mistress.  She can Order me around if she wants to, but she keeps the leash pretty loose.  And, I try to anticipate what she wants, rather than running around reactively.

And it was also something I noticed about myself when we had lunch and dinner with the parentals, it is just so awesome to have someone (in my case, Mistress) to share the occasional glance with.  To share a smile with.  To be able to close off the entire world if you need to for half a second while you check in.  Gah, I must still be uber blissy to word it like I have hahaha - but, hopefully the readership know what I mean.  Because from time to time last night, either from across the room, or while we were both in conversation with the same group, Mistress and I were sharing those glances and smiles with each other.

It is AWESOME.

So yes, we left.  Mistress had wanted to have a cupping session - and that would have been awesome to watch - but Sir came over with one of his Uber Headaches, and we needed to head home.  I couldn't get to sleep until 3.30 in the morning, so many endorphins running around chasing each other.  The needle play put me on an up - I realised later that I needed a flogging or something to bring me back down to earth.

As well, hearing those two have fun.  I almost, almost, almost knocked on their door to I dunno, voyeuristic more than I already was, but I backed out from the tap tap tap at almost the very last minute.  Before the party, it had been a tough day, and I'm still not sure whether they are on top of things themselves to want a third or whatever yet.  Though, when I talked to them this morning, Mistress got a full prescription of her own endorphins from the night, so perhaps things have righted themselves?  Fingers crossed.

We will definitely have to do needle play again.  And hopefully soon. 

Zero Hour, Nine Ayem

Not too sure how an Elton John reference snuck in there, and it was actually 8.30 which was zero hour, but you get the drift of the meaning.  The first day of the rest of my life, employment wise at least.  One bus to the train station, and then the train to work - not quite the central city, but on the fringes.  Government department, so there should be some continuity there, but at the moment, meshing five different old departments together, and the powers that be still seem unsure of structure or staffing or other important things like that, so it is almost like a start up.  Which is very ungovernmental.

I was just a sponge in the office today, taking everything in, rather than getting on the phones and such straight away.  Monday should be early enough.  Had a shiver up my spine at being in a government department again - out of the four jobs I have listed on my resume (we don't count the bar work that I was rubbish at), two of them were government, two of them were private sector.  One of the latter of which used to be a government corporation, so it might as well have been public sector.

The acting boss said it was my governmental experience which gave me the edge over the other candidates.  Just a temp role for three months, but there is no reason why it can't be longer term, if I want it to be.  Mistress said yesterday that I should still keep an eye out for something that pays more.  Of course, I will take that on board as an Order.  She said it was nice I liked longevity in my jobs, but not to stay in the same place for an extended period of time, just for longevity's sake.

And, as opposed to when I was There, it was lovely to think that I could come home and talk to Mistress in person, rather than ring down the phone line from a continent away.  Was thinking this just as I was having a ham and cheese bagel for lunch.  Will go to the patisserie on the other side of the block on Monday, baguettes full of Nom in that direction.  Knights of Ni turn into Days of Nom.  Oh, that was a bad, bad stupid joke lol.  Perfect Python then lol.

And the staff seem a good mix.  From what I could see.  Although my particular section seems understaffed.  And they aren't even sure whether we need a team leader or the line of command skips to full on management.  Interesting times.

Sir asked yesterday whether I would still be able to do all the housework and stuff with a job.  Truth is, I have never had a job and come back to a full household before.  Well, apart from when living with the parents, and I always usually piked out of housework then.  So it will be a new experience.  And, as I was saying to Mistress earlier this evening, over There I was working but lazing around the apartment, and therefore only using fifty percent of my energy.  This way, over Here, I can use more of my energy, and maybe I won't burn out.  We will see, completely brand new situation.

But it will be fun working it out.

When I was talking to child two this morning as I was heading out the door to work, he advised me on where to get off the bus.  Showing interest, and being helpful, and as Mistress said later, he is a good kid.  Child one had a mental health day, and seemed happy enough for the majority of the day apparently, but Mistress didn't feel she had accomplished all that much.  After Mistress had picked me up (wearing one of my jackets, woot), she retreated to the bedroom to read.  She said to me to 'pull up a pew' next to her on the bed, which I did.  Just nice, quiet time with her, as we heard the children watching the television in the lounge.

Might not sound much, written down like that, but it totally totally is a big deal.  And then I topped off the day by buying pizza for dinner and wine for dessert lol.  Hey, I needed to celebrate my first day at work somehow.  When I was commuting home, I just had this huge surge of a feeling of achievement.  Being paid.  Helping out the household even more than I already was.  And, coming home to Mistress.  So, so very happy right this second...

Woot

Slight change of plan with the whole blog posting thing.  Up to now, since I have gotten here, I have been posting in the mornings.  Since I HAVE A JOB STARTING TOMORROW, where the woot of the title today came from, my mornings are suddenly going to be a bit rushed.  So I will start posting in the evenings instead.  Starting tonight.

Yes, so another quiet morning this morning.  Mistress got some Italian style beef casserole going in the slow cooker around lunch time. and I had an interview this afternoon.  Then I got a call about 2pm, from a recruitment agent, saying that she had put my resume forward to the government client she has, and they want me to start TOMORROW, repeat, TOMORROW.  One day of training, and then fully into it next week.  Customer service for a government department, no, that is not an oxymoron.  I asked the girl whether I could put her 'on hold', mainly, putting the phone down while I had a talk to Mistress about it.  The job ticked all the boxes I wanted, and that Mistress insisted on, so it was a goer.  When I got back to recruitment girl, I said I had just talked to the Boss, and everything was go.  Yay!!!

And then, when I got off the phone, endorphins rushing all over the place, and Mistress laughed out loud that I had called her Boss to a virtual stranger, and another of those huge hugs that I am making more of a habit of.  But still, the boss insisted that I go for the interview, and not to take anything less than $50K, just to get that thing out of my system I guess, not to go what might have been later on.

So yes, went for the interview, very relaxed setting, perhaps too relaxed, and seems a lovely place to work, and if I did go with them as the option, my boss would be another very cute blonde girl.  But I dunno, I am too honest in interviews, saying stuff that while honest, won't necessarily get me the job.  Then caught up with Sir in town, who was going to give me a lift home, but first would be looking at wargaming store, and then diverting to pick something up for work.  I had a flash of what it might look like from the outside, of us two walking along, both in suits, just mates.  Was an interesting vision.

Oh, and just remembering something I said to Mistress yesterday - I was confident in the suit going out to interview land and all, and I asked her whether I looked one million dollars or two million dollars.  Mistress said, with that smile you are ten million dollars.  Which made me squee inside even more.

Mistress is still down, quite a bit.  I am worrying about her again.  At least I can assist more financially around here - perhaps even she will let me pay the mortgage.  What is mine is hers.  She agreed, but she hopes it is only temporary.

On The Up Again

Busy day yesterday.  Two interviews, one mid morning, the other early afternoon.  The morning one was just to register as a temp, but they had a specific job for the Department of Silly Walks (no, not really, just a government position that I wanted to put a Monty Python twist on it) that they were going to put me forward for.  And as I was just registering as a temp, I signed a contract and did the tax papers and bank account details and everything.  Felt very official, for the first time job wise since I have gotten Here.

Then the afternoon interview, for a sales support role, I must have wowed the girl - cute blonde by the way - because of my suit and resume, because she forgot to get me to do the paperwork to register with the actual agency.  Just said we will find you a job, lovely to meet you, and had to call me back into the office to do, you know, those annoying application forms and stuff.  Did I mention she was cute?

Got a call later in the day from morning agency, Ministry of Silly Walks job looks like falling through, an internal applicant is being put forward first, but another department has a three month position available, maybe starting on Friday.  Tomorrow as I write this, probably one of those one day handover things.  Information officer taking calls from the public about department specific queries.  With a bit of training, one day perhaps, I think I could handle that quite easily.

And then later in the afternoon, while I was 'gardening' with Mistress - she was weeding, I was catching some vitamin D, luxuriating in the great outdoors - afternoon agency rang and said that the actual employer for sales support role wants to interview me asap.  Woot!  Back in the game, indeed.  And the sales support role, employer are wanting someone asap, so would likely to be starting next week perhaps as well.

As well as two other potential interviews slash jobs that might eventuate in the next day or so as well.  Eminently employable, me is.

Just trying to think of anything else that happened with the day.  One thing I have noticed is that I'm not going deep into myself with analysing the relationships around here at the moment, more just a normal what I did with my day blog.  Perhaps a sign that things are on an even keel?  Well, I kinda go deep into myself about the whole possibility of depression happening soon, but that is more a Me thing than an overall household issue.

All quiet on the Western Front...

That Was A Fun Day

Highlight of yesterday - both Mistress and my mother had told me not to do something, to do with the zipper on my camera bag, had gotten stuck with the cord attached to my actual camera.  I continued to play with the zipper, trying to rip the cord away from it.  Mum looked at Mistress and said 'stubborn, isn't he?'  Mistress replied, 'yes, yes he is.'  And they both turned their long suffering stares to me, at the same time.  Might be strange to say, but it was awesome.  No, I won't try to analyse that just for the moment, because I have a feeling my head will explode if I try lol.

So yes, Mistress was fixing up the computer in the morning - well, she fixed her computer, but then the interwebs died, or went to dial up speed, and it was frustrating the hell out of her.  And then we had another delivery of internet ordered dresses, and she was all excited again, trying on the new clothes.  With seven new dresses and two new tops over the last couple of weeks, she said she won't have to do any more new clothes shopping for five years.  Sir and I both think she will need new stuff in a year, at maximum.  So then she was deciding what to wear out and make that vital first impression on my mother.  And I was going squee (in a happy way) at the thought of those two particular worlds colliding.

We went up to the Botanic Gardens, and found a parking spot and there were Mum and Dad and Grandma.  Mistress still hadn't got the hang of my mother's name, because sometime during the gardens visit, she called Mum Bev, which isn't her name lol.  My relatives hadn't had lunch but were going to suggest just having rubbish fast food from the coffee stand, but Mistress suggested we go to the actual sit down cafe.  Which we did, and after two minutes of waiting for a table to clear, we had the sit down cafe thing.

Mistress was talking to Mum and Grandma about what food to get, and what food to share with me.  Sitting across the other end of the table from her, and I was saying that we would be throwing the food like frisbees across to each other.  And then me and Dad got up to put the actual orders in, and I glanced across at the table, at Mistress and Mum and Grandma deep in conversation, and I had one of those 'this is perfect' feelings going on.  I mean, Mistress could have been tearing me limb from limb in the conversation, but from my vantage point, it was one of those I could die happy moments.

Then Mistress got more talking about me time without me listening, as one of the employment agencies rang with a job proposal, likely to get back to me in the next couple of days, with a probable start date of Monday.  Which was nice.  And the meal itself, chorizo pizza and caesar salad, sharing with Mistress, was absolutely divine.  There are a set of war memorials overlooking the city, so we had a look at those, and the most perfect vantage point of the central city there is, and the story about how my grandmother got her photo on the front page for VE Day came out.  Which is always a funny one, my great grandfather was not impressed when he opened up the paper the day after VE.  Grandma was surrounded by soldiers, one of which had his arm around her waist.

Grandma had a bit of a sit down - her powers of walking extended periods of time aren't what they used to be - while Mum, Dad, Mistress and I had a bit of a wander of the gardens.  And it is just about the perfect time for a lot of the flowers to come out.  I was very glad I had brought my camera.

I was going to stick around with the parents while Mistress went home and picked up the kids for dinner, but Mistress had said earlier in the day, are you going to the restaurant in that - looking rather disdainfully at my jeans and tshirt Botanic Gardens wear - and followed that up with I bet your grandmother would really like to see you in a suit.  And well, when Mistress puts on that strong suggestion voice, I am putty in her hands.  So I caught the ride home with Mistress - mmm, that word, home - and felt very grown up when saying to Mum I will catch you later, as I headed into someone else's car.  It's the small things, sometimes.

Got into my suit, got the kids ready, Mistress slipped into another new dress, something a bit more eveningware, and we headed out to restaurant.  Sir had made the booking at a place he knows, very swish, and was glad I wore the suit.  I think it impressed the hell out of my parents, and especially my grandmother.  She had never seen me in a suit before.  And as I said before, restaurant very swish, not the usual happy meal and shake variety lol.  There was a staff member to escort you to table, a staff member to wait on you, and a staff member bringing out drinks.  The food itself was buffet, no, we didn't go to Sizzler LOL, but again, very lovely, and all the chefs behind the counters had those chef hats - even the girl serving the ice cream.

Oh yes, that is what I had for mains - you can't go wrong with pizza, roast lamb and steak on the same plate.  I also had curry, but I was too full by that stage.  And I did have cauliflower and broccoli on the plate, just that didn't get eaten either.  Though I told Mum that since being Here, I have had more fruit and veges in a month than I have the previous decade lol.  Mum and Mistress were sitting next to each other, getting along like a house on fire.  There is one photo I took of the two of them, where they look like giggling school girls.

Oh dear, how much trouble am I going to be in from the TWO of them, now that they have met and like each other LOL.

Oh, and the seating arrangement came together quite organically, and, dare I say it, quite perfectly for the situation.  Table of eight, two rows of four seats facing each other.  The two kids took the furthrest seats, facing each other, then it was the three girls and the three boys.  Mistress sitting next to the children, Sir sitting across from her, and me sitting immediately diagonal to Mistress.  Which, as complicated as the situation is, was a good seating set up.

Convival conversation, grins all over the place, Sir and the kids behaving, well, Sir kinda sorta doing so.  Then Sir taking the kids home, Mistress and I walking the parentals and grandparental to the pedestrian crossing - they were only staying a block away from the restaurant.  And driving home in the car ourselves.

Was an absolutely fantastic day.  Mum and Mistress really like each other, and I texted Mum later on, and she was impressed with Sir and the kids as well.  Keeping all the balls of everyone being happy as much as I could, even though it was so relaxed and so easy going, had exhausted me.  I made Sir a cup of tea when we got home, and crashed into bed, at 10.30 - way early for me.

Down By The Water

Highlight of yesterday was walking the dog down by the river, and letting her swim in the water, and Mistress and I just sitting down on the riverbank.  Beautiful day, beautiful companion, relaxing just watching the dog run and swim around, and by this stage we had already had the 'safe place' discussion - that Mistress is that for me - and being in that spot, at that time, with her.  Awesome.

The rest of the day somewhat more mundane.  Job applicationing all over the place in the morning, and got two callbacks, one interview and one please give further information but likely leading to an interview.  Mistress had some of her cheap overseas dresses arrive, cheap but quality, and she was very squee at that and gave a mini fashion parade, which was hot lol.  Then she was trying to fix up her computer, via system factory reset reboot - yeah, it was that fucked - and I had a bit of a doze.  Woke up and fed her lunch - at 3pm.  Kids got home from school, and dinner was put on, slow cooker for the win indeed.

Dishes and ironing, and bed.  Just looking quizzically at this entry, and thinking was that it for the day?  Drowning in domesticity, and I wouldn't change a thing.  Oh, my parents and grandmother got into town yesterday, no, I didn't catch up with them, Mistress and I are doing that this afternoon, and then the whole tribe, including Sir (EEK!!!) this evening, but I was saying to Mistress last night, it is just a nice feeling thinking that they are in town.
 
As I am sitting here with a silly grin on my face, hoping that when Mum and Mistress meet, for the first time even, and hoping that it won't be a moment where matter meets anti matter.  They seem to have gotten on well enough from me being as the middleman reporter, so fingers crossed lol.  Nah, it will be fine, just injecting more melodrama into my life.  As if there isn't enough already - more than enough, according to Mistress and Sir hahaha.

You Can't Beat A Pub Lunch

Yesterday.  Nice quiet Sunday.  Well, apart from the children rampaging over me in the morning.  We dropped them off at a friend's place, and then went to the local markets.  Which was nice, and I did my best efforts of being the pack horse or sherpa or whatever Mistress and Sir required of me.  In the market environment.  As well as the fruit and veges and spicy tomato relish, Mistress had one more decision to make - flowers or candles.  Now, with the candles, I probably would have gotten some candlewax later on so it wasn't all selfless if that had been the go, but Mistress went with the flowers instead.

We then had a pub lunch, which the budget somewhat got extended for.  It was a bit more expensive than the Maccas that Sir was suggesting we go to, but more relaxed at the same time.  Beer, food, Rugby World Cup, and reasonable conversation - well, apart from Sir not being able to get away from thinking about work.  Mistress asked for an application form to work at this local pub, maybe a few shifts in the near future.  Yes, the finances are starting to look that perilous.

Nope, and that's the last I will talk money - this entry at least.

Oh, and that reminds me, Sir was reading the blog yesterday, for the first time in a while, and he went from one entry to a while back.  He made the assumption that he is always at work, always tired, or always in a bad mood according to my viewpoint.  Not my words, those, they are his own.  There is plenty of positive stuff that Sir does, otherwise I wouldn't have stuck around as long as I have, and the comfort levels wouldn't be where they are, but yes, those three aspects are part of what is making him tick at the moment, no point denying it.  But it's not the full picture.

Did the groceries, very domesticated wandering around the aisles.  May be sad to admit, but it was nice.  Sir darted back to the car with a splitting headache, and, as we passed the ice cream aisle, I said to Mistress to get a second flavour all for herself, as the first flavour she had gotten was something us boys liked.  She said, no, I won't have the ice cream, give me hugs instead, they won't make me fat.  Funny.

Got home, domesticity again, and Mistress arranged the flowers in a vase.  Which was nice.  Everyone was a bit tetchy though, Sir had a headache, Mistress flung herself into cleaning the fridge, and I piked out and hung up some washing. 

Last night, I finally got around to starting job applications again.  I had just hit a roadblock with the previous employer application, and Mistress helped me write the awesomest cover letter I have ever written.  For my old job though, which, even though Mistress assisted and was showing an interest and everything, is still a kinda sorta fail.  It is out of the way now though, and I can see the new applications as a reboot as it were.

All three of us were dead on our feet almost as we headed to bed.

Mistress was smiling at me earlier, because I had left the blog entry of the day so late, and I shrugged my shoulders and said not much happened yesterday anyways did it.  Now I am trying to rack my brain to see if I missed anything - was there a Mistress/Sir moment that flew over my head?  Not sure.  Oh, I was a bit oh woe is me about SHOE POLISHING of all things yesterday, but that wouldn't even be a footnote in my usual struggles, let alone a moment or a full on meltdown.

One thing I realised this morning, and it is too good a thing to leave it until tomorrow's entry, is that she is my Safe Place.  And I mean that with no sarcasm or melodrama or anything like that.  I hope that, in return, I am her rock that she can always depend upon, but that is for her to decide or to say, not me.  Everyone, all together now - awwwwww.

Frailty, Thy Name is Elf

I can feel the usual warning signs of oncoming Depression starting to emerge from the fog of stress I am going through at the moment.  I think it started when I was on the phone with my mother yesterday morning, and admitting that I may have to go back to previous employer, which may be necessary but is a bit of a fail at the same time.  Then Sir said we would take the clown car, which squeezes me in the back with the children.  As my suit only needed to be picked up, I suggested that I stay at home, but Sir insisted I come to be squished up with the kids.  That was also a bit of a fail.

My mood was obviously showing on my face at this time, and Mistress said what is wrong.  I said I didn't know, and then she hit the particular stress spot of the morning right on the nose, the fact that I would have to go to pick up my suit.  She said later she thought of what could be going on, and the money trigger was the first thing she thought of.  As I realised that was what had triggered me, the kids came out to the car.  And I felt I shouldn't vent in front of them.  And stewed in the back of the car for the trip into town, which was a different approach to the explosion I did last week.

But Sir and Mistress were still unhappy with me being petulant and sulky.  While Sir got the kids some food, Mistress sat me down and read me the Riot Act, again.  But the thing is, I have processed the stuff that Mistress has told me, and have relegated those things to the past like she wants.  I was trying a new coping mechanism yesterday, of withdrawing into myself rather than venting my spleen out loud, but still that annoyed them.  And the major issue wasn't about money or spending it per se, it was going and being reminded of the rubbish week I had by picking the suit up.  Different issue, believe it or not.  And I have been doing my utmost not to cry about things, and to keep things in perspective, and finding my quiet place when I need it.

The main thing is, it isn't the exact same thing triggering me each time I hit a flat spot.  Which I know isn't visible yet to The Boss, but I am doing my utmost best to follow instructions, to not fall apart every five seconds, and all the rest.  We dropped the kids off at wargaming store, and proceeded to shop.  Well, those two did, and I followed along behind - Sir said that I could have wandered off myself, but really, where would I have gone?  I am doing my utmost not to spend money at the moment, so shopping yesterday would have been a bit of a fail.

I had plenty of thinking time though, and was bringing out all these thought bubbles as to what was going on at the moment.  The most important of which was the realisation that the Big D might be on the horizon again.  Mistress asked when I raised that issue whether I was depressed at the moment, or whether the circumstances were merely there for it to occur.  I have battled depression for almost two decades now, I think I can recognise what goes on in my head related to that - I said it was just possibly on the horizon at the moment, but if things keep going the way they are, depression will definitely occur.  At least I am communicating it, even if the communication is disjointed and uncertain and circular.

Other thought bubbles were that I am throwing myself in to help Mistress and Sir too much and neglecting myself.  Another was that I have this overwhelming feeling of scruffiness the last couple of weeks, and when I am in suits and looking good I feel a bit of a fraud or failure, and I think that may be because I have internalised my role of house bitch too well.  Mistress said she goes through the same feelings from time to time.  Another, that I shop to cheer myself up - hence the stupid amount of shirts I own - but when I am tight with money, I don't shop, and therefore don't cheer myself up.  One of those vicious cycles.  And other generic feelings of inadequacy.

Oh, and another thing that flitted through my mind yesterday, while Mistress was having one of her epically long showers, was that Sir can just poke his head into the bathroom when she is showering anytime, whether the kids are here or not.  Which led to the thought of overnight sleeps and cuddles and all.  Which I am nowhere near getting to that same level of things.  I'm not talking about sex or that type of stuff at all, I am talking about comfort levels blah blah blah.  I didn't raise it with those two yesterday, because there would have been no point, I am not going to overnight sleep in Mistress' bed, I am not going to poke my head in the bathroom when she is showering.  I am merely the house elf.

Mistress bought me a new belt and wallet yesterday, which cheered me up.  Also cheered up after my major road block of the day, going to suit store, came and went.  It wasn't about the money, it wasn't about the suit, it was being reminded of the rubbish week.  Which, after about three hours of trying to explain this to the woman who knows me better than anyone else on the planet (you can just sense how circular and convoluted my discussions can get), she finally got my meaning.  She has a similar feeling about the subject of tattoos currently.

Mistress was saying later in the day that she didn't think I had ever really been called out when I was in a bad mood.  That I tended to accept that I was ignored when I was going through shit.  I replied that I thought I was ignored all the time, before I got here at least.  She also said that after a month, the honeymoon period may be over.  I thought the honeymoon period was over as soon as I got here, when fantasy intersected with the whole reality of things.  And it is not that I am any less in love with The Boss, or that my relationship with Sir or the kids has changed any, it is that whole internal issue of depression creeping back up on me and such.  Mistress, Sir and the kids and how I interact with them hasn't changed at all, I feel - it is the not having a job and all the outside the household issues that are coming through and strangling me.

Oh, and beating my head against the brick wall of applying for (basically) my old job.  That really annoyed me in the evening.  As well, I had asked Mistress whether I could consider myself a slave a couple of days ago, beyond the whole generic submissive thing.  I raised the issue again last night and she said no, she didn't think of me that way.  I asked her what she did think of me, and she didn't reply - her computer was giving her static again last night - and I said am I only the house elf.  And she said yes.  I didn't pursue the topic beyond that, but I don't think that's all I am, surely.

I know she dislikes labels and classifications and such, but kinda floating around, uncertain of what I am, that's not a great thing for me either.  Uncertainty is not one of my strong suits.  Oh, and the most idiotic thought of the day?  Earlier on, when I was doing petulance, I thought maybe I should head back There.  I didn't dare verbalise it though, because I was already on Mistress' nerves.  I did bring it up in the evening, and she said OMG, I really should beat the snot out of you for that.

Which I wouldn't have had a problem with.  Strange boy...