V and I are running on the ragged edge of our relationship. She read the post previous to this, and flipped, as follows -
'AND WHAT WOULD THE MEANING OF ALL THIS BE?????????? I DON'T EVEN WANT TO HEAR YOUR LAME EXCUSES I GIVE UP THIS IS THE FINAL STRAW. DO NOT CONTACT ME EVER AGAIN'
Got that first thing this morning in my work email box, and hit me for six. I quickly ummed and ahhed in shock for a couple of minutes, before asking the boss whether I could take the day off, for personal reasons, and just added a sentence for the personal reason, which I am wondering whether I had to, I hate melodrama in the workplace, but there you go.
I thought about it as I was catching the train home, that I didn't need to take the entire day off, that I could have done some work which didn't involve putting on a fake smile for customers over the phone, but the boss OKed it, and before I could think I was out and walking back to the train station.
And guess what, I contacted V straight away on getting out of the office. She took the call at least, but couldn't stay on the line as she was talking to her boss. She rang back as I was getting off the train at the other end of my journey.
This latest patch of rockiness all stems from me writing about that night out about three weeks ago where I went dancing, which V has consigned to the category 'drunken night out', and it is ancient history. That may be so, but in the tears and heart attacks and emotion of the subsequent two days or so, I promised V that I would be more open and such around her. Even though I kind of thought that doing that would lead to more smaller disappointments in the short term, than the secretive big blow ups that we have had to date.
V then wonders why I mention pretty girls so much in my diary here, when I should just at most give a passing glance rather than remember it for posting however many hours later. They are just passing glances to me, I don't go up and flirt with them or anything, and I only remember them later on because I have a diarist's mind now, what can I put in my blog - and it does add to the honesty thing as well, I believe. V asks why I even have to write it down - I feel that I have a compulsion to write, not the worst compulsion in the world, so that what sticks in my mind comes out here.
I feel that I am just writing down typical guy thoughts when these sort of subjects come up - if we thinking of sex every seven seconds, as the stereotype goes, then girl watching should maybe be an every thirty second activity or something. V's reaction to that was well then she obviously doesn't want a guy then - how can a guy who thinks he is in a relationship think of other girls. Well, I'm sure Freud has some answers there or something - Brad Pitt dumped Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie didn't he? Not that we are anywhere near dumping territory in my own little saga here.
On the actual previous entry which has caused today's issues, V thinks it must be a big thing that I have thought about it for three weeks or so. Well, no, actually I have only felt awkward around this particular workmate for about a week - a good portion of that awkwardness is that being around her caused almost meltdown between V and I a couple of weeks back. Hence, I feel awkward, frown, avert my gaze the last few days. V says she doesn't see it that way, that what happened out dancing was ancient history, and why should I feel awkward having a conversation with this girl. That reaction perplexes me somewhat, a woman who inadvertently almost caused meltdown in a relationship and V is fine with me being friendly with her?
And another issue which has strained us the last few days is me mentioning that I may perhaps someday in the future want to ring K again. V's reaction to that was why do you want to talk to her, I don't want you to. I was thinking the open and honest gambit again, say stuff that I am thinking - it came up again a couple of days later in the context of can I EVER talk to her in the future, and again V said no, and said this topic has been raised several times, what's going on. In V's eyes, exes are always a threat - I have gotten over the whole K thing (still like Canada the country lots though), only friendly thoughts towards her now, nothing more, but if I talk to her then perhaps I will be convinced to go back. Obviously.
V and I do have good times of course. Mostly when we are around each other, and I have spent the last five holidays with her, which I have not had issue with - well, four holidays and a funeral. This long distancing is always hard though, but this time around it is an equal and opposite reaction to the last relationship I had - I didn't organise my debts before going on what turned out to be a ten month holiday last time around, so now I want to pay off my debts, keep a job etc - although of course not as important as a relationship, is an equal and opposite reaction to last time around.
Will probably post more later today.
Paul
'AND WHAT WOULD THE MEANING OF ALL THIS BE?????????? I DON'T EVEN WANT TO HEAR YOUR LAME EXCUSES I GIVE UP THIS IS THE FINAL STRAW. DO NOT CONTACT ME EVER AGAIN'
Got that first thing this morning in my work email box, and hit me for six. I quickly ummed and ahhed in shock for a couple of minutes, before asking the boss whether I could take the day off, for personal reasons, and just added a sentence for the personal reason, which I am wondering whether I had to, I hate melodrama in the workplace, but there you go.
I thought about it as I was catching the train home, that I didn't need to take the entire day off, that I could have done some work which didn't involve putting on a fake smile for customers over the phone, but the boss OKed it, and before I could think I was out and walking back to the train station.
And guess what, I contacted V straight away on getting out of the office. She took the call at least, but couldn't stay on the line as she was talking to her boss. She rang back as I was getting off the train at the other end of my journey.
This latest patch of rockiness all stems from me writing about that night out about three weeks ago where I went dancing, which V has consigned to the category 'drunken night out', and it is ancient history. That may be so, but in the tears and heart attacks and emotion of the subsequent two days or so, I promised V that I would be more open and such around her. Even though I kind of thought that doing that would lead to more smaller disappointments in the short term, than the secretive big blow ups that we have had to date.
V then wonders why I mention pretty girls so much in my diary here, when I should just at most give a passing glance rather than remember it for posting however many hours later. They are just passing glances to me, I don't go up and flirt with them or anything, and I only remember them later on because I have a diarist's mind now, what can I put in my blog - and it does add to the honesty thing as well, I believe. V asks why I even have to write it down - I feel that I have a compulsion to write, not the worst compulsion in the world, so that what sticks in my mind comes out here.
I feel that I am just writing down typical guy thoughts when these sort of subjects come up - if we thinking of sex every seven seconds, as the stereotype goes, then girl watching should maybe be an every thirty second activity or something. V's reaction to that was well then she obviously doesn't want a guy then - how can a guy who thinks he is in a relationship think of other girls. Well, I'm sure Freud has some answers there or something - Brad Pitt dumped Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie didn't he? Not that we are anywhere near dumping territory in my own little saga here.
On the actual previous entry which has caused today's issues, V thinks it must be a big thing that I have thought about it for three weeks or so. Well, no, actually I have only felt awkward around this particular workmate for about a week - a good portion of that awkwardness is that being around her caused almost meltdown between V and I a couple of weeks back. Hence, I feel awkward, frown, avert my gaze the last few days. V says she doesn't see it that way, that what happened out dancing was ancient history, and why should I feel awkward having a conversation with this girl. That reaction perplexes me somewhat, a woman who inadvertently almost caused meltdown in a relationship and V is fine with me being friendly with her?
And another issue which has strained us the last few days is me mentioning that I may perhaps someday in the future want to ring K again. V's reaction to that was why do you want to talk to her, I don't want you to. I was thinking the open and honest gambit again, say stuff that I am thinking - it came up again a couple of days later in the context of can I EVER talk to her in the future, and again V said no, and said this topic has been raised several times, what's going on. In V's eyes, exes are always a threat - I have gotten over the whole K thing (still like Canada the country lots though), only friendly thoughts towards her now, nothing more, but if I talk to her then perhaps I will be convinced to go back. Obviously.
V and I do have good times of course. Mostly when we are around each other, and I have spent the last five holidays with her, which I have not had issue with - well, four holidays and a funeral. This long distancing is always hard though, but this time around it is an equal and opposite reaction to the last relationship I had - I didn't organise my debts before going on what turned out to be a ten month holiday last time around, so now I want to pay off my debts, keep a job etc - although of course not as important as a relationship, is an equal and opposite reaction to last time around.
Will probably post more later today.
Paul
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