I am just so unmotivated to do much of anything this morning. I am going through my emails, unless it is something I can guess to be actually personal I hardly ever read the airline/bookstore/random website I signed up to god knows when subscriptions, or alternately the email jokes or inspirational pieces that are sent around the world five million times.
But now I am going through them with a vengeance and deleting deleting deleting - cute puppy dog pictures, rescued from Katrina, you are going STRAIGHT into the bin, don't even need to go beyond the first paragraph or picture for that decision. Just feeling ultra cynical, why the heck do I bother kind of morning.
I had an okay night last night, but two bits just have got me riled a bit, in the why do I bother trying to be nice and polite all the time. Was KSM's leaving drinks thing, and wasn't a big turnout actually - me, KSM, TDE, KDE, KLA, CMC and SPE out of our group, along with assorted others from different floors or companies, I didn't really feel in the mood to get details.
Our group of 'regulars' for socialising gets less each leaving thing we have - and then I think do I really want to be considered a 'regular', however funny Cheers was, Norm, Cliff and Frasier were losers, when you really think about it. All the self doubt comes spilling back out, that I am just there to make up the numbers, whether I am there or not doesn't really matter.
Did a bit of drinking, did a bit of dancing, the usual self doubt about whether I am making a dick out of myself, but nothing major. However, when a guy that I had been talking to for five minutes asked whether I 'batted for the other side', as in whether I was gay - I think the conversation was about failed relationships or something, but I don't think I said anything that would indicate my relationships were with guys - that threw me for a bit. Not much admittedly, because then I was saying don't worry about it, his mistake. Why the fuck am I so roll over and play dead nice?
It didn't really bug me at the time, but on the train home I was thinking about it, and it was making me angrier and angrier. If a guy I have been talking to for five minutes thinks that, is that the impression that almost everyone gets of me? And what are the warning signs that you are talking with someone who plays for the other side? It's not exactly my fault that the guy I get on best with in this city is gay, and would the fact that I am not leering over every woman within a twenty metre radius make me that way? I would like to call it respect, or at worst a sense of intimidation LOL.
As Seinfeld said, 'not that there's anything wrong with that', and I try to stay true to liberal ideals of what happens between consenting adults is their business only, it's just that I'm not one myself - and the thing is, it's not the first time something like that has been thrown my way. V's former friend, during an argument which began the former aspect of things, apparently said that I was gay but just didn't know it. Also in my late teens and early twenties, it got thrown at me quite a bit by both guys and girls - and in the most derogatory sense usually thank you.
So I'm not a six foot gorilla who treats women like shit and plays footy. So the fuck what. Oh, I'm heated alright, and it makes a difference to the apathy I have had the rest of the morning. Oh, that was the other time someone has come out and asked if I was gay directly, when I had my nervous breakdown at seventeen - as if only gay people can get depressed thank you very much.
Measured next to that, the second incident of the evening doesn't seem so major now - the remaining girls that I know well enough were leaving, well they went and powdered their noses before leaving, I waited while they did all that, rather than stay with the people I didn't know so well, and then left with them - or at least I thought I would, the friend of a friend that was leaving with them turned around to me and said they were going to have a girl's night out now, seeyoulaterthanksbye - and that cut me up a bit more.
That was the first I had heard that kicking on to another bar would be girls only, and it was bouncing around my head that I had either done something wrong, or whether cutting me loose was just that friend of a friend's initiative at running interference, as I think one of the American football terms has it.
Fuck being nice, polite, respectful and all that anymore - but as if I could follow through on that plan. I would love to console myself with the thought that it was their loss not to have me around longer - it was only a quarter past ten after all - and the idea that it doesn't matter what others think, I know what is going on in my own head, regards the gay reference. But both issues still cut, deeper than I should have let them.
It's times like these that I wonder what I am doing in Brisbane, what I am doing with my life, what I actually want out of my existence, and yes, I will admit, there were a few tendrils of that old black regular, depression, starting to wind their way around my heart last night, threatening to suffocate me. It's not enough to be a great worker, as my boss said earlier in the week, I need some friends, some real friends who would actually notice me, instead of being a 'beer night out' regular.
And now I just want to build that emotional wall back up, imprisoning myself again, cutting myself off. Block myself off for a time, figure out what I want, what I need, where I can get it, and other such deep and meaningfuls. Damn my financial misdeeds between 2000 and 2004 - talk about paying for your mistakes - when all I want to do right at the moment is up and leave everything here, or to fall back in on myself.
And yes, I do realise that last paragraph, the last sentence was overly dramatic, but it needed to come out. Hopefully this weekend forms into something more constructive than just blobbing around the house, but that would require some positive energyy, and we will see how things go on that front...
Pauly
But now I am going through them with a vengeance and deleting deleting deleting - cute puppy dog pictures, rescued from Katrina, you are going STRAIGHT into the bin, don't even need to go beyond the first paragraph or picture for that decision. Just feeling ultra cynical, why the heck do I bother kind of morning.
I had an okay night last night, but two bits just have got me riled a bit, in the why do I bother trying to be nice and polite all the time. Was KSM's leaving drinks thing, and wasn't a big turnout actually - me, KSM, TDE, KDE, KLA, CMC and SPE out of our group, along with assorted others from different floors or companies, I didn't really feel in the mood to get details.
Our group of 'regulars' for socialising gets less each leaving thing we have - and then I think do I really want to be considered a 'regular', however funny Cheers was, Norm, Cliff and Frasier were losers, when you really think about it. All the self doubt comes spilling back out, that I am just there to make up the numbers, whether I am there or not doesn't really matter.
Did a bit of drinking, did a bit of dancing, the usual self doubt about whether I am making a dick out of myself, but nothing major. However, when a guy that I had been talking to for five minutes asked whether I 'batted for the other side', as in whether I was gay - I think the conversation was about failed relationships or something, but I don't think I said anything that would indicate my relationships were with guys - that threw me for a bit. Not much admittedly, because then I was saying don't worry about it, his mistake. Why the fuck am I so roll over and play dead nice?
It didn't really bug me at the time, but on the train home I was thinking about it, and it was making me angrier and angrier. If a guy I have been talking to for five minutes thinks that, is that the impression that almost everyone gets of me? And what are the warning signs that you are talking with someone who plays for the other side? It's not exactly my fault that the guy I get on best with in this city is gay, and would the fact that I am not leering over every woman within a twenty metre radius make me that way? I would like to call it respect, or at worst a sense of intimidation LOL.
As Seinfeld said, 'not that there's anything wrong with that', and I try to stay true to liberal ideals of what happens between consenting adults is their business only, it's just that I'm not one myself - and the thing is, it's not the first time something like that has been thrown my way. V's former friend, during an argument which began the former aspect of things, apparently said that I was gay but just didn't know it. Also in my late teens and early twenties, it got thrown at me quite a bit by both guys and girls - and in the most derogatory sense usually thank you.
So I'm not a six foot gorilla who treats women like shit and plays footy. So the fuck what. Oh, I'm heated alright, and it makes a difference to the apathy I have had the rest of the morning. Oh, that was the other time someone has come out and asked if I was gay directly, when I had my nervous breakdown at seventeen - as if only gay people can get depressed thank you very much.
Measured next to that, the second incident of the evening doesn't seem so major now - the remaining girls that I know well enough were leaving, well they went and powdered their noses before leaving, I waited while they did all that, rather than stay with the people I didn't know so well, and then left with them - or at least I thought I would, the friend of a friend that was leaving with them turned around to me and said they were going to have a girl's night out now, seeyoulaterthanksbye - and that cut me up a bit more.
That was the first I had heard that kicking on to another bar would be girls only, and it was bouncing around my head that I had either done something wrong, or whether cutting me loose was just that friend of a friend's initiative at running interference, as I think one of the American football terms has it.
Fuck being nice, polite, respectful and all that anymore - but as if I could follow through on that plan. I would love to console myself with the thought that it was their loss not to have me around longer - it was only a quarter past ten after all - and the idea that it doesn't matter what others think, I know what is going on in my own head, regards the gay reference. But both issues still cut, deeper than I should have let them.
It's times like these that I wonder what I am doing in Brisbane, what I am doing with my life, what I actually want out of my existence, and yes, I will admit, there were a few tendrils of that old black regular, depression, starting to wind their way around my heart last night, threatening to suffocate me. It's not enough to be a great worker, as my boss said earlier in the week, I need some friends, some real friends who would actually notice me, instead of being a 'beer night out' regular.
And now I just want to build that emotional wall back up, imprisoning myself again, cutting myself off. Block myself off for a time, figure out what I want, what I need, where I can get it, and other such deep and meaningfuls. Damn my financial misdeeds between 2000 and 2004 - talk about paying for your mistakes - when all I want to do right at the moment is up and leave everything here, or to fall back in on myself.
And yes, I do realise that last paragraph, the last sentence was overly dramatic, but it needed to come out. Hopefully this weekend forms into something more constructive than just blobbing around the house, but that would require some positive energyy, and we will see how things go on that front...
Pauly
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