Perth

An eight year old girl was killed in Perth over the weekend, molested and murdered in the disabled toilets at a shopping centre. She had been out shopping with her brother and uncle, and they had just lost sight of her, going to the men's themselves, for a few minutes. And people were saying Australia's loss in the soccer was tragic.

An absolutely heartbreaking story, I can't wish to imagine how it was finding the body, but it made me feel like doing something worthy for the world. Taking customer phone calls for anonymous company A is not a world-worthy job - perhaps a policeman? No, I'm too short for recruitment and I would have to become Australian.

Going back to that old regular of being some aid agency employee out in the big wide world or something. But then, I checked a few years ago, they don't want know nothing generalists, if you can't bring expertise then you might as well stay at home.

And a couple weeks ago was the obligatory ER in Africa episode - Carter in Darfur this time instead of the Congo. Foreign correspondent for those who don't watch the news, including my parents who said 'what's happening in Darfur?' to me. And yes, I know I probably overdose on international news, but Darfur has been in the news almost as long as the Iraq invasion.

Then I was telling them that international troops are going to get there eventually one day, and my mother said, oh, it would just be another foreign place in the news, it would be better off to leave them to it - or words to that effect. And to think, I'm pretty sure I was a conservative when I was in high school, oh the liberalising tendencies a nervous breakdown can give.

There is a lot of ugliness in the world - I actually had a good day today, and hope that the next entry will be a bit more positive.

No, not even going to attempt to unravel the Gaza situation at this time of night.

Paul

Another Glorious Start To The Week

Well, that was a good start to my day yesterday - the train was twenty minutes late, meaning I was five minutes late into the office, the customers were besieging the office, well, the phones, but allusions of Leningrad or Stalingrad have come to mind often the last few weeks, and finally my computer refused to let itself get started for about twenty minutes.

Exactly what I didn't need with the weekend I had had. I wasn't angry for any length of time, that quickly made way to disappointment, which quickly led to a complete sense of emptiness. Wracked with indecisiveness, should I go out, should I stay home, home is safe and don't need to think about anything more complex than refighting WW2 against a computer opponent. Even fleeing online to an extent, on Sunday I am sure I was only on for twenty minutes all day.

Indecisive enough to not go out until Monday (which I had off) and even then, thinking where should I go for lunch, which direction should I take, should I get on the bus (movies, shopping centres, mindless consumerism what joy in that), or should I keep walking. Yesterday, at work, it was similar at lunchtime, no idea where I was walking to, no particular place to go...

Just a bit lost inside myself I think - today was good though, but will leave it here and get some sleep I think.

Paul

When It All Falls Apart

I am just so unmotivated to do much of anything this morning. I am going through my emails, unless it is something I can guess to be actually personal I hardly ever read the airline/bookstore/random website I signed up to god knows when subscriptions, or alternately the email jokes or inspirational pieces that are sent around the world five million times.

But now I am going through them with a vengeance and deleting deleting deleting - cute puppy dog pictures, rescued from Katrina, you are going STRAIGHT into the bin, don't even need to go beyond the first paragraph or picture for that decision. Just feeling ultra cynical, why the heck do I bother kind of morning.

I had an okay night last night, but two bits just have got me riled a bit, in the why do I bother trying to be nice and polite all the time. Was KSM's leaving drinks thing, and wasn't a big turnout actually - me, KSM, TDE, KDE, KLA, CMC and SPE out of our group, along with assorted others from different floors or companies, I didn't really feel in the mood to get details.

Our group of 'regulars' for socialising gets less each leaving thing we have - and then I think do I really want to be considered a 'regular', however funny Cheers was, Norm, Cliff and Frasier were losers, when you really think about it. All the self doubt comes spilling back out, that I am just there to make up the numbers, whether I am there or not doesn't really matter.

Did a bit of drinking, did a bit of dancing, the usual self doubt about whether I am making a dick out of myself, but nothing major. However, when a guy that I had been talking to for five minutes asked whether I 'batted for the other side', as in whether I was gay - I think the conversation was about failed relationships or something, but I don't think I said anything that would indicate my relationships were with guys - that threw me for a bit. Not much admittedly, because then I was saying don't worry about it, his mistake. Why the fuck am I so roll over and play dead nice?

It didn't really bug me at the time, but on the train home I was thinking about it, and it was making me angrier and angrier. If a guy I have been talking to for five minutes thinks that, is that the impression that almost everyone gets of me? And what are the warning signs that you are talking with someone who plays for the other side? It's not exactly my fault that the guy I get on best with in this city is gay, and would the fact that I am not leering over every woman within a twenty metre radius make me that way? I would like to call it respect, or at worst a sense of intimidation LOL.

As Seinfeld said, 'not that there's anything wrong with that', and I try to stay true to liberal ideals of what happens between consenting adults is their business only, it's just that I'm not one myself - and the thing is, it's not the first time something like that has been thrown my way. V's former friend, during an argument which began the former aspect of things, apparently said that I was gay but just didn't know it. Also in my late teens and early twenties, it got thrown at me quite a bit by both guys and girls - and in the most derogatory sense usually thank you.

So I'm not a six foot gorilla who treats women like shit and plays footy. So the fuck what. Oh, I'm heated alright, and it makes a difference to the apathy I have had the rest of the morning. Oh, that was the other time someone has come out and asked if I was gay directly, when I had my nervous breakdown at seventeen - as if only gay people can get depressed thank you very much.

Measured next to that, the second incident of the evening doesn't seem so major now - the remaining girls that I know well enough were leaving, well they went and powdered their noses before leaving, I waited while they did all that, rather than stay with the people I didn't know so well, and then left with them - or at least I thought I would, the friend of a friend that was leaving with them turned around to me and said they were going to have a girl's night out now, seeyoulaterthanksbye - and that cut me up a bit more.

That was the first I had heard that kicking on to another bar would be girls only, and it was bouncing around my head that I had either done something wrong, or whether cutting me loose was just that friend of a friend's initiative at running interference, as I think one of the American football terms has it.

Fuck being nice, polite, respectful and all that anymore - but as if I could follow through on that plan. I would love to console myself with the thought that it was their loss not to have me around longer - it was only a quarter past ten after all - and the idea that it doesn't matter what others think, I know what is going on in my own head, regards the gay reference. But both issues still cut, deeper than I should have let them.

It's times like these that I wonder what I am doing in Brisbane, what I am doing with my life, what I actually want out of my existence, and yes, I will admit, there were a few tendrils of that old black regular, depression, starting to wind their way around my heart last night, threatening to suffocate me. It's not enough to be a great worker, as my boss said earlier in the week, I need some friends, some real friends who would actually notice me, instead of being a 'beer night out' regular.

And now I just want to build that emotional wall back up, imprisoning myself again, cutting myself off. Block myself off for a time, figure out what I want, what I need, where I can get it, and other such deep and meaningfuls. Damn my financial misdeeds between 2000 and 2004 - talk about paying for your mistakes - when all I want to do right at the moment is up and leave everything here, or to fall back in on myself.

And yes, I do realise that last paragraph, the last sentence was overly dramatic, but it needed to come out. Hopefully this weekend forms into something more constructive than just blobbing around the house, but that would require some positive energyy, and we will see how things go on that front...

Pauly

Finally

A bit of time, when I'm not too tired, which has been bugger all in the evenings this week - also sweet eff eh in the mornings, daytimes, nights. Has been a totally exhausting week. Looking forward to beer o'clock tomorrow, celebrating/commiserating KSM leaving the job - off to do university stuff for four years, good luck and all that...

Monday and Tuesday, if you got the idea in the previous couple of entries, were horrendous. Too much holiday leave, too much sick leave, us suckers who are healthy and not holidaying got it in the neck, like a guillotine. Horrid horrid horrid. I have had annoying days at the job before, but seriously, Tuesday and yesterday I just did not want to be there. But the last couple of days, the care factor I almost always have at work has been scorched off big time - the meh, whatever school of thought, of the if/when it ever happens teachings...

Have had a good couple of chats to the boss the last couple of days - one was my annual performance review, the other was just a general err whinge session. Less said about the whinge session the better - apart from the fact that I have dispensation to try and do my work differently, hopefully more efficiently, having to retrain my brain in how to do things - but onto the performance review.

In a sentence, I am my own worse critic in there, but the boss loves me. No not in the sexual harrassment way, in the she thinks I am the hardest worker and indispensible to her team sense. And of course I can only look at the ways I am failing at the job. One good thing I do at the job is make up useless sentences full of long words that sound good in a review setting though LOL.

Was thinking of my long experiences in office jobs, and thinking back to my first one, how eager I was to join every staff improvement committee, how I volunteered to be deputy team leader - when I was all of about twenty. Ten years later, just too much cynicism and office politics has taken the edge off enthusiasm for it all - or maybe it is just that I read too many Dilbert cartoons, and the point where they were no longer just funny, but wow man that is soooo true to life blah blah, maybe that's when I lost my spark.

Or maybe if I shifted to a job which isn't so stats driven, I may find enthusiasm for team stuff and improvement again. Just sometimes feel it's been ten years of going through the motions - too many committees against sexual harrassment, discrimination, or striving for continual improvement - it's too easy to fall into the 'oh great one of these courses I can switch off my brain' mindset.

In my case, if it is common sense and I follow it, as much as possible in my real life, eh, I don't know what I am trying to say here, just would be nice to not be cynical for once - my latter year Gen Xness is shouting at me to stop thinking, quite happy cynical thank you very much...


Beer o'clock tomorrow though - big decision of the night is whether to wake up at 5am tomorrow to see Australia v Croatia in the football. Have been a bit slack with my final group game watching, although I did catch the first half of Portugal Mexico last night, good game - damn not scheduling my leave appropriately LOL - have a friend back home in Wellington who every World Cup takes that month off so he doesn't have the distraction of work to contend with at all. Total football indeed :)

More tomorrow, or perhaps Saturday
Pauly

Work Again

Just a quick one tonight, need some sleep and relaxation. Work today was take yesterday's comments, stress and such, multiply by two. As much fun as watching France at the World Cup the last couple of games.

To sleep, perchance to dream.
Paul

Work Sucked

There, I think I put it just as plainly as I possibly could. Today has to have been one of the worst days I have had in my current office. About half the phone teams were away from work today, either with days off or sick leave or maternal or paternal leave, and we got absolutely hammered with calls.

There is a point up to which you can be behind the eight ball and try to catch up, but we fell through that point and kept on screaming downwards at about 1pm. You feel somewhat taken advantage of, by not having any sick leave, taken for granted that you will continue to do your best - and then you get hammered from the angle of people looking at your personal stats.

Personal stats is a thing that works best when you don't think about them - if you are struggling through a marsh like environment and feel like you are drowning in quicksand, of course you are going to be less motivated to keep climbing on up that damned hamburger hill. That is what I was thinking today, feel like those of us who are really conscientious and such at the place it feels like we are putting ourselves into meat grinders - surely the levels of stress I and others are feeling at the place isn't healthy?

Really have thought about quitting the last week or so at work, which is so unlike me - I have the job of paying off my debts, and want to keep options open when I do so, but another six months of this I'm not sure whether I can handle.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better - ever the sucker, I will head in LOL.

Pauly

Poseidon In Double

I just saw the remake of Poseidon at the cinema earlier in the week, and they are replaying the original seventies one on Channel Seven at the moment. Am only catching the last wee bit due to the fact that I was more intent on watching the Argies go mad in their football match.

Now I have heard that the original Poseidon is one of those classics that can never be beaten, so therefore am glad I caught the remake first, Josh Lucas, Kurt Russell and an assortment of eye candy versus Gene Hackman and Ernest Borgnine, hmm I know which one I will go with. Is just funny watching something almost exactly the same as something I saw earlier in the week.

I don't think there will be any clamour to remake The Towering Inferno though - I saw the DVD of the original and internally shuddered. Too easily taken back to that clear blue skied day of September 11 - I will probably catch United 93 when it comes out to Oz though. I'm expecting United 93 to affect me similarly to Hotel Rwanda - I may be in tears about ten minutes in or so.

Dammit, let's get back to the footy, the Dutch will be starting in three quarters of an hour...

Oh Mi God

Have just watched the Argentinian match against Serbia and Montenegro. What a display of total football by the Argies, six fucking nil - I tell you what, if Argentina aren't in the final, they would have had all fourteen players sent off in the semi or something, absolutely amazing. They made it look so amazingly easy, and this was against one of the better European teams, at least by dint of qualifying - the Serbs had only let one goal through to get through to this tournament, and had only lost one nil to the Dutch.

And those back heel shots for goal oh mi goodness. Anyone willing to bet on an Argentina Brazil final? Now, can I watch the Dutch match, see whether they trip up against the Ivory Coast...

One thing though, this World Cup is making me too tired and dozy to really think of good things to write about - have all these ideas during the day, and then when I get home, it fizzles out of my head.

The poor Serbs and Montenegrins, they gave up with twenty minutes to go...

Pauly

Three One, Let's Have It

If anyone didn't catch yesterday's result, Australia won over Japan 3-1. Japan was leading one nil with five minutes to go of regulation time, and then their defence fell to pieces. Am kind of glad I missed the commercial news bulletins, getting home at about 7pm this week, because apparently it was one whole love fest saying how great it was to beat Japan and that the reaction seemed as if they had actually lifted the World Cup, let alone just the first game of the group stage.

Next up is Brazil on Friday, who are having their first game against Croatia later this morning.

I don't mind football in Australia, really I don't - I just have an intense dislike for the current executive John O'Neill, pompous looking and sounding git. This of course being the guy, when heading the Australian Rugby Union, who pulled the rug from under New Zealand at the 2003 World Cup, rugby one this time, and then supported Japan for the 2011 edition. Or was O'Neill already at the soccer board then? Anyways, it's not important, he was a git in rugby circles.

Since coming across to soccer, or football as it has been renamed here in Oz, with the Socceroos still as the national team, hmm, O'Neill has sold out the rights to Australian internationals and club matches to Foxtel, the main subscription television group here, after all the blood sweat and tears of '32 years of hurt' - to take an Englishism - of being a minority sport.

SBS must be pissed off with losing out in the bidding war - and, I'm sorry, but the A-League isn't La Liga or the Premier League, who will watch it on pay TV? It just feels a bit like the stupidity of the English cricket board selling their rights to BSkyB, money before the fans...

In the game behind me, Togo of all teams are leading South Korea one nil after half time - Togo of course having almost gone on strike to get money out of their football federation, going through three coaches in two days, before coming back to their original coach - and of course all the drama between qualification and arriving in Deutschland, they had a shocker of African Nations Cup...

Later taters
Pauly

Queen's Birthday

I was on the train this morning, going into town - not a work day, so was relaxed at an 11 o'clock trip in, and overheard a conversation a couple of seats away. A woman was describing her trip up to Darwin from Adelaide on that Ghan train, and also got onto the fact that she had been on the Indian Pacific a few years ago - Sydney to Perth, and also had worked for the Air Force up in Katherine.

Hearing her tales of travel without a passport - ie, internally within Oz - got me to thinking how little of this country I have seen. And for some reason, maybe the fact that I am reading a book about a Melbourne girl who did a Greyhound bus tour of the USA, I thought about doing a bus or train or car trip around Australia myself.

The starting line would of course be Brisbane, and then would it be Kingaroy or Maryborough? Maybe Maryborough on the way up to Mount Isa, Kingaroy on the way back (otherwise you would double up somewhere between Darwin and Adelaide somewhere). Maybe Melbourne to Broken Hill to Alice Springs, and Adelaide etc on the way back from Perth?

It really got me thinking, and would I write it up like a blog or book, or do a photography tour? Just thinking of all the weird and wonderful landscapes out in the big red land, as well as the man made stuff, like the country pubs and stuff.

Interesting thinking, and went to the museum and saw some good photos of the Outback there, which whetted my appetite for travelling around again. Though apart from the Egyptian exhibit that I went in there to see, there's not too much to the museum at the moment - or maybe it has all been transferred downstairs to the Science Centre.

Something to think about perhaps, a big trip...

Stomp

Was very very good. If you haven't seen it yet, I would recommend it thoroughly - unless you are not into rhythm or noise. And just the energy levels of the performers, of which there are only eight, and all of them would be out on the stage for about three quarters of the performance, making rhythmic noise - I wouldn't go so far as to call it music - from brooms, newspapers, plastic and metal bins, hands, feet, basketballs. Was well worth going out to - just wish someone had told me there wouldn't be an intermission, so I wouldn't be waiting around for one.

Yes, it is much more expensive than going to a similar sort of theatre to just see a movie, but I was thinking about it last night, listening to the crowd interact with the performers - laughing, clapping, and such, and was thinking what other animal makes things up for other animals to appreciate? I have heard that chimpanzees can lie or deceive, but out in the wild I don't think they have any monkey actors - or maybe I am wrong.

Very much part of the human condition the creative arts, acting and such - was just thinking how today's theatre goers may not be very different from the ones that went to the ampitheatres of Ancient Greece and Rome. Humans need to be entertained, in a group environment, every so often - and not just in tribalistic sports either, thinking of English fans at the World Cup. Or not that much different from the 16th century, when Shakespeare was giving world premieres of his plays...

In summary, I liked it - it was good LOL.

Pauly

Rain

It is raining outside my window as I type. Brisbane is in the grip of a one in a hundred year drought - or so the politicians tell us - and there are water restrictions right left and centre. The latest, due to come in over this weekend, are that you cannot water your gardens with a hose, you have to fill up a bucket and 'hand water' as it were. Also, swimming pools are supposed to have covers on them, to reduce the amount of evaporation.

In my job, I take calls from all around the country, so sometimes get into chitchat with Melburnians, Sydneysiders and the rest, who in winter are always complaining about how bad the weather is where they are. Talking as a Brisbanite, I am sick and tired of the crystal clear blue skies we have had up here for it seems twelve months straight, give us some rain.

So yes, is nice to see a bit of precipitation outside the window - even though I just know when I switch on the TV tonight, or tomorrow as the family is going out tonight (to Stomp, a dancing kind of stage show, thank you for asking), or whenever I catch the local news again, the mayor and/or the premier will be saying how all this rain has missed the dam catchment areas. Bet your bottom dollar on it...

Watched Germany Costa Rica last night, good, exciting game. Went to bed rather than watch Poland and Ecuador. Now, if I am to only watch one game a night, I do need some sleep after all, what should I watch on Day Two? Argentina v Ivory Coast or England v Paraguay? I have a feeling that the Argentina game will be more entertaining, but there's that old pull to Mother England and such, I think I may have to catch that one instead. And it only starts at 11pm tonight, well early :)

Pauly

Football's Comin Home

T minus a few hours until the World Cup 2006 edition starts. The coverage on SBS starts at midnight, and the first game, Germany vs Costa Rica, kicks off at approximately 2am. And then it will be wall to wall footy for the next month, and have a huge smile on my face at the prospect.

I don't know what it is about the World Cup, but maybe it is the fact that it is the biggest event in the world. Yeah, I took a while to complete that sentence, and can see how ridiculous it looks now - perhaps the biggest event focussed on only one thing.

The Olympics are great, but once the opening ceremony is over, you can pretty well cherry pick what you want to see - gymnastics, swimming, athletics, ice hockey in the winter - and can give the lesser sports, such as curling, tae kwan do, wrestling the flick if you want to. The World Cup is only about footy, 100% of the time, and it is great.

I first noticed international soccer at the time of Italia 90, at my grandparent's place as my family were trying to find a house after moving back to New Zealand. The early morning games, the fact that England lost to West Germany (yes, it was still West Germany back then), can't remember too much of the final though.

Whereas with USA 94, I watched a lot of the games, because I religiously put the scores into my diary back then, but basically can only remember Roberto Baggio missing the penalty that gave Brazil the Cup in the final. A nice fine sunny day in Los Angeles if I remember correctly, whereas my memory of Italia 90 was endless huge stadiums with barely a hint of sunlight throughout the entire tournament.

We will leave aside the Euro Champs for now, apart from mentioning the musical crime that is Three Lions that was resurrected for France 98. By this stage, I had discovered that alcohol made the whole experience of communal sports better, and I was in World Cup Hysteria Central, aka England. In the pools I picked Romania to beat England, and I was at a mate's place when watching it, but I kept very very quiet about it when the loss did happen.

And then the match against the Argentinians - we went out to a pub to watch it. Now I thought I had seen passion in the qualifying matches, when I was working behind a bar, but to see a sudden death match, and Beckham being sent off for a petulant kick while on the ground, and the chants for Michael Owen - to the theme of The Great Escape.

And then to go to a penalty shoot out, and lose that way - as they did to the Germans in 1990 - and the utter sense of loss, despair - it's the most powerful downward emotion I have ever experienced to a sporting event, I was going to say feel, but that would be a personal myself kind of thing, but just the atmosphere completely sucked any energy out of the bar. And yes, that does include Rugby World Cup losses the All Blacks had in 1995 and 1999.

And then, because I was living in England, it was expected that when they went out, I was to turn off all interest altogether to anything footy related until the start of the Premier League season. I hear that France won the final that year?

Japan Korea 2002 was perfectly placed, timezone wise, because I was back in New Zealand. The early games would start about 2pm, the late games would end about midnight. Saw a lot of the games at the pubs that tournament - and it is always interesting how your interest levels ultimately begin to wane, so that Slovenia v Togo during the group stages seems like the perfect game to sandwich between France v Italy and Ukraine v Korea, but by the time the big games during the semi finals, say Germany v Holland or Brazil v err England, you are a bit over it all.

Will be interesting to see how my err interest level holds up this time around, what with the sucky timezone situation - the early games start at 11pm this time around, and the late games finish at 8am or so.

In conclusion it is just the uncertainty of it all that I think holds the most excitement - Brazil, Italy, Germany may be the favourites, but the possibility of Senegal beating France, Argentina going out in the first round, England losing on penalties, just whets the appetite...

But I think it will be a bit much to expect Costa Rica to upset Germany, Ballackless or not. And let's see how tired I am at 2am to start with - England v Paraguay is the big game tomorrow night though :)

Pauly

Break Time Over

Back to life, back to reality - I think that was a Soul II Soul song. Or, at least, back to work tomorrow morning. Ick. Had a couple of days at the start of V's visit where I went to work, but the last eight days I have had off the nine to five braindead thing.

So, the last eight days, three have been shopping - one at my local, northside, shopping centre, one in town, and one on the South Side. V thought the southside one was the best, but eh, being patriotic to the 'correct' side of the river, it was just a different lay out to what's at Chermside. There was one store there that had a good sale, and V actually bought stuff for herself southside, but apart from that, same old stores, same new fashions...

Another of the days we drove up to the Sunshine Coast hinterland, walked around Maleny and Montville, two hippyish kind of wannabe towns - one more successful than the other, in my opinion - to do a bit more shopping, and to see one of V's friends that she hadn't seen in person for about ten years. We had coffee at one of the fancy restaurants, and took up one of the best tables while V and her friend caught up for an extended period of time - I am sure the wait staff were giving us the evil eye...

We had lunch at one of the other Montville cafes, down in the actual town itself, rather than in million dollar view and thirty dollar appetiser land - pie with gravy and mushy peas, yum. And there are some really nice shops there - Mum was enchanted by the collection of Venetian masquerade err masks, and I didn't mind some of the water fountains, and Buddha inspiration stuff...

One of the other days was taken up with having the niece visit - V hadn't actually seen her in person yet - and the afternoon was taken up with V8 Supercar motor racing. Not a bad Sunday all in all, but V was thinking we could have done something better than just watch the TV...

Will have to write an entry about the latest dramas to happen to the niece, brother and sister in law, but don't want to make this first entry back too long. It is a bit of a doozy of a story, all the same.

The other day, apart from leaving day today, was taken up with Sea World. I think I actually had more fun looking at the animals - pelicans, polar bears, sharks, fish and dolphins - than the actual rides and stuff. Although had one of V's nieces and her family and kids with us, and is always nice to follow kids around a theme park, and the kids were pulling me onto every ride they could think of. Was a good day.

Also bumped into the niece and family on the South Side shopping expedition yesterday. Had KFC for lunch and pancakes for afternoon tea, so was a good lazy day. Also got a lovely jersey, maroon and red, rugby stripe kind of design - one of the kids came into the shop as I was thinking about getting more stuff, saying 'hurry up Daddy, Mummy's waiting'. To say I was mortified would be about right, and the attendant in the store gave me the 'I sympathise with you' look.

More later
Pauly