I rang in sick to work today, due to the sickness that dare not raise its name, mainly mental illness. Not depressed per se, but more just major stress, and self doubt, and just a dead patch (free of activity, not death itself) in the centre of my brain, grr. Was in the bathroom having a shower this morning, stressing big time about work and such, and I thought, why don't I ring in sick, after all, the mood I'm in currently, I would do more harm than good in the office. Yes, I am feeling that flat about things.
Now, we are supposed to get one error in our work for every fifty pieces of work we put through - I don't take anywhere near fifty calls a day, and I get one, perhaps two mistakes a day. I dread looking in my email box (where the error reports come into nowadays). And yesterday just took the cake - four orders of mine came back to me to recheck or to say I did things wrong etc. I know I should concentrate on the positive the 90% of orders I do right and such, but I have always, since high school at least and perhaps before, I have always concentrated more on the things I can improve and whatever.
And when I get stressed I get more flustered and more chances of making mistakes and such, and my self confidence flatlines and my self doubts nag deeper in my stomach (isn't there a saying about nagging doubts clawing at your stomach? or is that just me LOL). And the fact that I had a bit of a good conversation with the boss about these self doubts yesterday, but now she is on leave for three weeks, and I'm a bit less certain about opening up to the acting team leader.
Was hard enough doing the call in sick when I'm not really but stress should be a valid reason for leave hmmph. And the 'will you see a doctor today' - we had 46 days lost due to people off sick last week, and I am sure it is a stock question, but really, first day off sick how many people would think of going to the doctor straight off the bat? I wasn't in the team meeting last week, had training instead, but the sick leave discussion led to the thought of come in unless it's contagious'. Hmmph, I can really see that working LOL.
And it is really silly, how seductive the thought of ringing in sick can be, versus the huge guilt trips I have about not 'really being sick', but mental illness should be in the ranks there. Especially the time lag between making the decision and waiting until half an hour or so before your shift starts - thinking, have I made the right decision, do I try to sound sick or just be normal, how will the new acting team leader react - as the title says, guilt trips anonymous.
The charity donations thing is finally under control, although it is still kinda eating away at me. Also having a meal, although mainly as a peripheral, another thing to add to my hamster wheel mind thing, is the fact that V had a huge argument with her best friend, partially about me, and some interesting theories that the best friend had.
Oh, and LHO my Canberra friend got her monitor fixed fairly fast and have had a good couple of messenger convos with her over the week. Of course, with the flat feeling I have been having, the internet hasn't been entertaining me as much as per usual, even the main international news stories have left me feeling flat - very strange for me - but LHO is back, yay :)
Oh, have a few minutes to go before I feel like getting offline, will get into a bit of detail about V's argument with her best friend APU. These two have been friends for about twenty four years, but it looks like it could be over. The phrases 'all friendships end and this could be how this one does' and 'you're not making this easy to keep talking so I'll just say bye' came up. To start off with it was about me, and how in APU's eyes I am just leading V along - when I was at V's father's funeral, I was apparently looking around making sure I was seen hmm (how did she get that idea, I was next to V and wearing sunglasses?), that my idea of going out for a picnic, with me bragging what a great thing it was, what did I do, V drove us to the picnic spot and another of V's friends got the food, what did I do in all that (well, it WAS a good idea, and I would have gotten the food if it hadn't miraculously appeared), and how I wasn't APU's cup of tea, and that I didn't cry on leaving V at airports, every time APU and her husband left at airports there were tears galore. That was bad enough, arguments last week and all, and V feeling very uptight every time APU was around - no one else seeing those traits in me that she apparently saw (and out of all the things to attack me on those were among some that I could defend against because that sort of thing wasn't in my mind at all).
Then the deal breaker argument happened on Tuesday apparently. APU said she thought I was gay and stringing V along - when I heard that I was like WHAT lol, again with the from deep left field ideas - and that I might not even know I'm that way inclined. Hmm, if I were still 19, I can see a bit of confusion happening, but at my age I think I have decided or know which way I'm going. And apparently because I don't have a lot of male friends (just come to Brisbane, am in a very female dominated workforce), I have too many female online friends (yeah, and?), I like to dress well (guilty as charged, but not for the reasons she thinks), and that V and I are still heading slowly towards whatever happens.
The conversation then degenerated into APU saying how selfish V had become, and how it wasn't only V that had had a hard year, and trying to compare the death of a parent with finding new hairdressers, moving states for the first time in fifteen years. Now, you can attack me all you like, and I will at least let you have your own opinion, but attack V, apparently your best friend, and hmmph, that's just stupid the accusations she has levelled. APU said V was getting too wrapped up in me and that she was headed for a fall and that when things do go wrong, she won't be there to pick up the pieces. It's funny that APU out of all of V's family and friends is the only one who has taken that tack with me being in V's life - V is being told by other friends that it is jealousy or something similar. Hmmm.
Anyways, gotta go for now, I still have more to add, but sleepy time awaits (must get lots of sleep to avoid the two days off, get a doc certificate for Prozac or something as evidence for work grr).
Later peeps
Pauly
Now, we are supposed to get one error in our work for every fifty pieces of work we put through - I don't take anywhere near fifty calls a day, and I get one, perhaps two mistakes a day. I dread looking in my email box (where the error reports come into nowadays). And yesterday just took the cake - four orders of mine came back to me to recheck or to say I did things wrong etc. I know I should concentrate on the positive the 90% of orders I do right and such, but I have always, since high school at least and perhaps before, I have always concentrated more on the things I can improve and whatever.
And when I get stressed I get more flustered and more chances of making mistakes and such, and my self confidence flatlines and my self doubts nag deeper in my stomach (isn't there a saying about nagging doubts clawing at your stomach? or is that just me LOL). And the fact that I had a bit of a good conversation with the boss about these self doubts yesterday, but now she is on leave for three weeks, and I'm a bit less certain about opening up to the acting team leader.
Was hard enough doing the call in sick when I'm not really but stress should be a valid reason for leave hmmph. And the 'will you see a doctor today' - we had 46 days lost due to people off sick last week, and I am sure it is a stock question, but really, first day off sick how many people would think of going to the doctor straight off the bat? I wasn't in the team meeting last week, had training instead, but the sick leave discussion led to the thought of come in unless it's contagious'. Hmmph, I can really see that working LOL.
And it is really silly, how seductive the thought of ringing in sick can be, versus the huge guilt trips I have about not 'really being sick', but mental illness should be in the ranks there. Especially the time lag between making the decision and waiting until half an hour or so before your shift starts - thinking, have I made the right decision, do I try to sound sick or just be normal, how will the new acting team leader react - as the title says, guilt trips anonymous.
The charity donations thing is finally under control, although it is still kinda eating away at me. Also having a meal, although mainly as a peripheral, another thing to add to my hamster wheel mind thing, is the fact that V had a huge argument with her best friend, partially about me, and some interesting theories that the best friend had.
Oh, and LHO my Canberra friend got her monitor fixed fairly fast and have had a good couple of messenger convos with her over the week. Of course, with the flat feeling I have been having, the internet hasn't been entertaining me as much as per usual, even the main international news stories have left me feeling flat - very strange for me - but LHO is back, yay :)
Oh, have a few minutes to go before I feel like getting offline, will get into a bit of detail about V's argument with her best friend APU. These two have been friends for about twenty four years, but it looks like it could be over. The phrases 'all friendships end and this could be how this one does' and 'you're not making this easy to keep talking so I'll just say bye' came up. To start off with it was about me, and how in APU's eyes I am just leading V along - when I was at V's father's funeral, I was apparently looking around making sure I was seen hmm (how did she get that idea, I was next to V and wearing sunglasses?), that my idea of going out for a picnic, with me bragging what a great thing it was, what did I do, V drove us to the picnic spot and another of V's friends got the food, what did I do in all that (well, it WAS a good idea, and I would have gotten the food if it hadn't miraculously appeared), and how I wasn't APU's cup of tea, and that I didn't cry on leaving V at airports, every time APU and her husband left at airports there were tears galore. That was bad enough, arguments last week and all, and V feeling very uptight every time APU was around - no one else seeing those traits in me that she apparently saw (and out of all the things to attack me on those were among some that I could defend against because that sort of thing wasn't in my mind at all).
Then the deal breaker argument happened on Tuesday apparently. APU said she thought I was gay and stringing V along - when I heard that I was like WHAT lol, again with the from deep left field ideas - and that I might not even know I'm that way inclined. Hmm, if I were still 19, I can see a bit of confusion happening, but at my age I think I have decided or know which way I'm going. And apparently because I don't have a lot of male friends (just come to Brisbane, am in a very female dominated workforce), I have too many female online friends (yeah, and?), I like to dress well (guilty as charged, but not for the reasons she thinks), and that V and I are still heading slowly towards whatever happens.
The conversation then degenerated into APU saying how selfish V had become, and how it wasn't only V that had had a hard year, and trying to compare the death of a parent with finding new hairdressers, moving states for the first time in fifteen years. Now, you can attack me all you like, and I will at least let you have your own opinion, but attack V, apparently your best friend, and hmmph, that's just stupid the accusations she has levelled. APU said V was getting too wrapped up in me and that she was headed for a fall and that when things do go wrong, she won't be there to pick up the pieces. It's funny that APU out of all of V's family and friends is the only one who has taken that tack with me being in V's life - V is being told by other friends that it is jealousy or something similar. Hmmm.
Anyways, gotta go for now, I still have more to add, but sleepy time awaits (must get lots of sleep to avoid the two days off, get a doc certificate for Prozac or something as evidence for work grr).
Later peeps
Pauly
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