So, I haven't posted all that much the last week, mainly because I spent approximately eight hours drafting up the first of my new round of job applications. Yeah, eight hours, I know. More on the wonders of the Perth job market later.
But I want to start, and likely finish, for this blog entry at least, about my propensity to dress up. My increasing propensity, as it were. I don't really delve into my mind too deeply lately, and especially not to figure out as to why I am doing it more. I mean, I know it is easy for me to do well, I'm good at it, and I am more accepting of the fact that I am not, and will never be, an alpha male, but as to the psychology of it all, god knows. But maybe I am getting to the point where I do need to figure it out.
Or more likely, navigate around the walls in my brain that remain in there.
Was out with Roma and her mate hmm, we shall nickname her Knoxville, and was out dressed up in public for the FIRST TIME EVER last night. I mean, I have dressed up plenty of times the last three years, at private parties or fetish evenings at nightclubs, but last night was the first time I had ever just wandered through town to a place, without a specific fetish or kink theme to the night. Of course, it was Connections, drag queens and other dress ups galore, but to go through Bogan Northbridge on the way there, I was fucking sweating bullets.
I don't think I would have done it with anyone other than Roma. Maybe Joburg, maybe, but definitely not anyone else. Just the amount of care Roma is putting into our friendship at the moment, or something, and I know she reads this, hiya honey lol.
So yeah, got to Connies, and being wigged and dressed and booted up, I have no idea what it is, but when we were sitting at the table on the outside deck, with Wham playing as music, and a cocktail in hand, all the doubts and worries and stuff that I have on a normal pub night, they all just lifted. I had no weight on my shoulders at all.
And then a girl came over, a cute girl, and complemented my boots, and Roma said to me later, the glow that I had on my face after that was amazing and awesome to see. Definitely will wear those boots out again. Then we wandered inside, somehow we had bloody well missed the floor show, but proceeded to dance for about three hours straight. Which I haven't done, nor had Roma, in a long, long time. All the cheesy nineties music in the downstairs bar, but - it just worked. It just fucking worked.
Had so much fun. Caught up with a few other friends, and another cute girl hauled me up onto the platform on the dance floor, to Rihanna's S&M of all bloody songs, so appropriate lol. Slept over at Roma's place in the city, on the couch, and then this morning, before she and Knoxville dropped me off at home, she proceeded to feed me pop tarts and pizza and chocolate and muffins and coffee.
As I'm almost in tears for some reason, I think they are happy tears, writing this. I don't know why, to be perfectly honest, but I have some questions that may require answering. From myself, I mean, no need to write in...
Firstly, why do I feel so comfortable in girl's clothing? Secondly, why do I feel a dork when I dance in flats and jeans and boy stuff, and I do exactly the same moves in a dress and heels, it just feels so much more liberating? Associated to that, the whole weight off my shoulders feeling that I have, where on earth did that come from? Is it time to name my dress up persona?
Also, I'm not fully sure I am comfortable showing my vulnerabilities as much as I have been lately. Four or five months ago, on another blog, not sure whether I have migrated it here yet, I wrote that I was pissed off that I had the walls up to everyone, even to the closest. With Roma, she is intimately aware of my masochism and my cross dressing, and, as my heart rises to my throat as I write this, I am trying to destroy those walls, that fear inside of showing my ultimate weaknesses, because she is my absolute best friend - sorry Casablanca lol - and I shouldn't be afraid of opening up. At the same time, I need those walls to protect me, I have been fucking scarred so much the last few years, that those walls are being there, being protective for a perfectly valid reasons.
On a related topic, as much as I am chipper, positive and chin up about the job situation, in a less positive frame of mind earlier in the week, it could be taken that Perth is a series of failures. Relationship failures and work failures. It was gone as a concern within about an hour or so, but it is another way of looking at things, that I could possibly analyse later on, if and when I want to depress myself LOL.
Mmm, so still kinda sorta uncertain of showing my deepest and darkest and weirdest parts of my soul to even my best friends. While from her side, I think Roma is trying to tease some of it out, to make me more comfortable with myself. To go beyond just the public, glossy persona I give to ninety percent of the people in my life, and work on the ten percent of myself that even I am still confused by.
Or I could be totally off the mark. Wouldn't be the first time I have tried to figure out a best friend and got it COMPLETELY WRONG. Hello again, Casablanca LOL.
I have been biting the inside of my lip for the majority of the day when thinking about why dressing up is working so well for me. Not a concern, per se, but thinking too deeply about it is certainly getting more emotional reaction than most other stuff in my life at the moment. Hmm.
I am sure this will be a continuing topic to the blog in the near future.