The Rarest Gift

Warning - Adult Content

Hi team.  This is a continuation of the thought bubble from last week, so if you want to, you can start there, but it should make sense (or as much sense as it is ever going to make) reading either or.

I'm a giver, that's my personality type.  But there are a variety of things I give.

My friendship, to the millions worldwide.

My love, very freely.

My masochism, also very freely.

I will let a lot of my friends do anything to me, and/or those friends get semi regular rundowns of where my head is at (for their sins).

I would even take a bullet for a few of you (you do know who you are, I hope).

But there's one thing, one side of me that over the past few months I've noticed a change in myself with.  I hardly ever show off my weaknesses and vulnerability to anyone anymore.  And I want to.  But I can't.  And it is bugging the hell out of me, that my walls on that side of my life are so high that I hardly even let the people I am closest to in anymore.  You could call it self protection, I guess, or trying not to bore people for the umpteenth time about the trivia, or trying to figure out where a hypothetical relationship could go even before it's started, but it means I'm not letting people in at the moment.

All those years of being told to harden up princess, may have actually hit the mark.  Finally.

Crying is weak.  Needing people is weak.  Or something.  I have basically perfected my 'outgoing, extroverted' persona this year.  One of my besties says that she always enjoys me going around to her place, because I am able to relax one on one, in a private setting, more so than the social butterly slut I usually am.

So yes, my vulnerability is my rarest gift currently.  How to resolve that, to let people in again, that may be a project for 2014 or beyond.  And after a week of thinking about it, I'm pretty sure this is what has me a bit meh lately.

I think it is why I enjoy being a maso sub, in scene, during play, I don't need to hold it all together.

Anyways, just another thought bubble, make of it what you will.  Unsure whether Fet was a good place to put it, but shrugging shoulders here, it's where I chose to put it, so here it goes lol.

December 2013

I need to write.  I'm not sure how this thought bubble slash stream of consciousness will go, and I'm not really sure whether Fet is the best place for it, but Facebook sure as hell isn't.  And I'm on holiday, so better to get it out now than squeezing it in between work, sleep and my social life back home.

I've had a fantastic 2013.  I'm stronger in myself than I have ever been before.  I have developed this take it or leave it attitude, dare we say it, coupled with a sense of self preservation, that I have need had before.  And I am having an absolute ball.  Confidence is the aphrodisiac that the cliche always said it was.

And yet, and yet.

Sometimes I feel like throwing away all this strength, to collapse in a heap, and sulk or flail like I used to in the old days.  Sometimes that could last months, on the smallest slight, rejection or failure.  But I know no one will be there to pick me up, and I will have to do it all myself, so there's no point in even contemplating it.

Yes, I have developed my emotional self preservation massively over the last couple of years.  And I am having a massive amount of fun.  But at the same time, although I am still as friendly and approachable as I have always been, there's a massive part of me at the moment that isn't allowing anyone too close, that is all fun and games but is almost observing myself not to do anything too dumb, for want of a better word.

But I crave that emotional connection even as I do a lot to repel it.  Or to say with my inner voice, well, not right now but we will see in a year or two or five.  It's taking a lot of energy to maintain how I am currently.

I want to be special, in That way, to someone.  And I'm not.

Blah.  I'll back it up there before this turns too 'oh woe is me emo'.  Not that it isn't already.  But, I think I had to start getting it out, before it consumed too much of me, especially over the so called festive season.

+ 026

A fantastic weekend, full of quality friends, new contacts, and great food.

+ 025

Getting a raft of unsolicited praise via a forum website I am on. Was pretty awesome to read. Especially the stuff from my close friends.

+ 020

'Money isn't important. Having fun with good friends is.' - me

+ 018

Dropping two sizes of pants this year. And friend saying that I had almost gotten to losing a third size.

+ 016

Sending flowers.

'Why? Because you deserve flowers. All the [frikkin] time.'

+ 014

The cocktails. The pasta. The desserts. And the amazing ideas for photos that basically made my eyes roll back in my head.

I have some awesome friends.

+ 013

Twenty years ago, sometime around now, I'm a bit fuzzy about exact dates, I was in the deepest hole I have ever been in. And barely got out alive.

Now I have no fear, I have dozens of people that love me, and, in some certain circles, I am pretty much the centre of things.

As she put it, when I said a while ago that I hardly ever take photos anymore, you're not on the sidelines anymore darling.

Indeed.

+ 010

Talking to my grandmother across a continent and a sea. Hearing her always makes me smile and happy, and, to be honest, I probably don't do it enough. Usually once every three or four months...

+ 008

Lazy spag bol evening with another of my best friends and her kids. Awesome.

+ 007

She is the single most positive thing to happen in my life. And she almost cried when I told her that.

+ 006

It was a tough, challenging, but necessary day yesterday. But it reinforces how important I am to her, when she needs all the support she can get, and I am her Rock.

Sometimes I wonder how it would be if I hadn't moved here, if for some reason things hadn't gone that way. Sometimes I miss the flirting of our long distance friendship days, the ease of it all back then.

But then I remember I would still be in Brisbane, bored out of my brain in all likelihood, maybe the friendship would have run its course before now. Hey, even long distance friendships can be difficult sometimes. And I wouldn't have been able to support her as I have done the last couple of years.

And I especially wouldn't have been able to see the extra hip shimmy under her red dress, after dinner on Saturday, when I said the song line 'you're the hottest bitch in the place' was a phrase I totally associated with her. Hey, it's not flattery if it's true lol.

+ 004

It was Fancy Casino Restaurant Extravaganza tonight. With *the boss* lol. And it was worth every cent. The food was amazing, the service was outstanding, the atmosphere and company were brilliant. Probably the best restaurant experience I have had in months, if not years.

I have been to various fine restaurants the last few months, but always you knew the real world was outside the door, waiting, waiting for you to reappear. With tonight's experience, it took you to another plane of existence almost, where you could completely forget about everything else. It was That Good.

And to be honest, getting away from the real world was just what she needed. The black cod miso was the best food she had ever tasted, so much so that she completely forgot whatever her favourite dish was before tonight. She said she was having foodgasms with almost every course. She even apparently had glitter in her mouth from the dessert.

Quality time, with her. Worth every cent.

+ 003

Chilling after a rather busy day at work, waiting for two of my closest friends to turn up at the bar to have a relaxed evening with them. It's not the night for tequila slammers by the dozen...

+ 002

I've had rather a Profound Thought over the last couple of days.

I think my fear of rejection is gone, or at least in remission, or under control.  This has come about from the realisation that the only person with which I still have this fear will never reject me. Unless I put an extreme amount of effort into forcing her to do so.

Which I will never do.

Sure, I am going to make her angry or mad or maybe even upset from time to time, and I will have to shut up for a while, maybe five or ten minutes, but she will never actually reject me.

And as for everyone else on the planet, they can do what they want. Reject me, embrace me, or various other options. I would miss my close friends if for whatever reason they left my life, but it's not going to a thing that I fret about endlessly.

Why did I put up with that sort of fear in the past?

+ 001

I have a handful of people I would do anything for, no questions asked.

I also have another dozen or so friends I would do anything for, as long as it didn't involve jail time. And even then, if they 'convinced' me enough, I could overlook that proviso for Group B.

I am grinning quite wickedly at what convincing I would accept lol.

Two Years

It has been two years since I have moved to Perth. The craziest, happiest, most challenging, yet rewarding two years I have ever had. All the Self Confidence. All the Inner Strength.

And she still loves and cares for me. When I had every expectation that side of my life, having her in it, would fall apart by the six month mark.

I couldn't have become the person I am now without her unconditional support for me.

July 11, part 2

Finishing off dinner for her and the kids. A sense of calm, a sense of satisfaction, in being able to help, even if in a small way.

To show my inner strength in the circumstances.

July 11

That this blog is here. Being reminded of it is a positive in itself.

Self Appreciation - Swallow Bar

Drinking a German wheat beer, listening to jazz, people watching, at my favourite suburban bar.  Take that, Valentine's Day.

Self Appreciation - Opera Kitchen

A cheese platter, a glass of champers, and an opera slice cake.  Brunch at the Sydney Opera House.  Goddamn, brie has a heckuva lot of calories lol.

Self Appreciation - Samskara Massage and Spa

Had a couple of hours to kill waiting for my plane home.  Decided to treat myself to a facial at the massage spa in the actual airport itself.  A lovely thirty five minutes.  I grinned at the question on the form, saying do you prefer soft or hard massages - one of those 'is the sky blue' questions for me.

Weight Check - 80.5kg

Base weight, minus two and a half kilos.

The Court

The Court

The Court

The Court

Chocolateria San Churro

Chocolateria San Churro

Chocolateria San Churro

*Beaconsfield

*Beaconsfield

*Beaconsfield

The Boheme Bar & Restaurant

The Boheme Bar & Restaurant

The Boheme Bar & Restaurant

Ace Cinemas Midland Gate

*Lockridge

Review - La Cholita

The atmosphere.  The buzz.  All the tequila options.  Even on a Tuesday night the place filled up fast.  Having taco options of pumpkin, fish, prawns and pineapple could be considered adventurous, and the cheese quesadilla to follow was perfect - not too heavy, not too light.  The location, which last night included people watching onto William St, is a draw card.  Adding in sangria to the mix, wonderful.

La Cholita

*South Guildford

Sizzler

Sizzler

Sizzler

Sizzler

Sizzler

Sizzler

Sizzler

Sizzler

Review - Is Donburi William Street

For somewhere that looks as unassuming as a lunch bar, the food here is fantastic.  The gyoza, with a mushroom filling, is Amazing.

Is Donburi William Street

Bivouac Canteen & Bar

Weight Check - 81kg

Base weight, minus two kilograms.

Ace Cinemas Midland Gate

*South Guildford

Shanghai Tea Garden

Shanghai Tea Garden

Infusion Coffee & Tea

Devilles Pad

The Garden

Mechanic's Institute Bar

The Flying Scotsman

*South Guildford

PICA Bar & Cafe

Fast Eddy's Cafe

Devilles Pad

Weight Check - 83kg

Base weight.

2013.1

1.  I am more self assured than I have ever been.

2.  I attribute this to my Don Johnson Miami Vice era designer stubble lol.

3.  No, actually it might be after months of putting up those positive reinforcement messages on Facebook and other social sites and email, that the messages I am looking for are finally starting to seep in to my consciousness.

4.  Example of positive messages I have been searching out - 'You are only going to be as good as the people you surround yourself with so be brave enough to let go of those who keep weighing you down'.

5.  And I feel very much like the Pied Piper of Hamelin at the moment.

6.  Nine lunch or dinner dates with nine different women over the next eight days lol.  Popularity totally sucks lol.  And the thing with the scheduling is that it was SO EASY.  In the past, I used to put uber effort into some friendships and hardly get anything back.  With the girls over the next couple of weeks, it has been me asking, wanna catch up, and them saying, yes, of course.  That ease of organisation hardly ever has happened for me before.

7.  The loving bond She and I have grows stronger and stronger.  There have been times, from both sides, where we have frustrated the fuck out of each other, but in the end, it is almost two years since we had our first Face to Face, and we haven't killed the other yet.  Mission accomplished?

8.  'What would we do without each other?' - 'Ain't that the truth.'

9.  I feel I have everything under control.  What I can't control, doesn't matter.

10.  Not that I would ever say She is one of the things that would ever be under my control, but even there, we are in a good place lol.

Three Hundred and Two

The Verve, Lucky Man, on my internet radio.

Reminds me back in the day - almost a decade ago now - that I was in Ottawa, with a woman (it didn't work out), but the fact that I used to do The Verve for karaoke.  Since they hadn't made it big in Canada, I could do whatever type of 'singing' I wanted, and none of the locals were any the wiser.

Remember, that was before all music videos of all time could be easily checked on YouTube LOL.

Ottawa was all types of mess, but Verve karaoke was one of the good moments.

Three Hundred and One

Christmas started off quietly this year.  I slept in until about 9am, and then was calling friends for a good portion of the morning.  Well, by friends, I also mean family, I was on the phone out East with both my parents and my younger niece.  Who regaled me with the tales of her presents.  Was nice, though I only could catch one word in three.

Then I napped until about 12.30 in the afternoon.  It was a scorcher, and I was surprisingly tired.

Wandered around to the place where I would be for the day in the mid afternoon.  I had had another couple of offers to spend time with friends and such, but as much as I love my friends, there was only one place I really wanted to be for the day.

Gin and tonic, beer, cider while lazily chatting and hardly moving from the spot underneath the fan.  We were going to go swimming, in the river no less, but we would have been burnt to a crisp wandering there and back.  The kids were popping in and out as they pleased basically.

Then dinner, a DVD, and an overnight stay on the couch.

It was fabulous, if quite understated.