I need to write. I'm not sure how this thought bubble slash stream of consciousness will go, and I'm not really sure whether Fet is the best place for it, but Facebook sure as hell isn't. And I'm on holiday, so better to get it out now than squeezing it in between work, sleep and my social life back home.
I've had a fantastic 2013. I'm stronger in myself than I have ever been before. I have developed this take it or leave it attitude, dare we say it, coupled with a sense of self preservation, that I have need had before. And I am having an absolute ball. Confidence is the aphrodisiac that the cliche always said it was.
And yet, and yet.
Sometimes I feel like throwing away all this strength, to collapse in a heap, and sulk or flail like I used to in the old days. Sometimes that could last months, on the smallest slight, rejection or failure. But I know no one will be there to pick me up, and I will have to do it all myself, so there's no point in even contemplating it.
Yes, I have developed my emotional self preservation massively over the last couple of years. And I am having a massive amount of fun. But at the same time, although I am still as friendly and approachable as I have always been, there's a massive part of me at the moment that isn't allowing anyone too close, that is all fun and games but is almost observing myself not to do anything too dumb, for want of a better word.
But I crave that emotional connection even as I do a lot to repel it. Or to say with my inner voice, well, not right now but we will see in a year or two or five. It's taking a lot of energy to maintain how I am currently.
I want to be special, in That way, to someone. And I'm not.
Blah. I'll back it up there before this turns too 'oh woe is me emo'. Not that it isn't already. But, I think I had to start getting it out, before it consumed too much of me, especially over the so called festive season.
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