Fuck. The E word. I have been avoiding it for the better part of my life, but used it when I was talking to the new boss about the thing last Friday afternoon. It has always been a 'thing' I have with seizures, rather than Epilepsy. 'That Seizure Thing', as well as sounding like a possible sitcom or romcom title, also makes it sound much less permanent than it actually is.
I had worked myself up over a couple of days to actually say something to the boss about it, and when I did she said she already knew, and there was even a dedicated pillow in one of the cupboards if/when it ever fucking happens at work again. Not that it will, being 110% committed to medication - this time around, forevermore, as I roll my eyes. God I hate long term medication, but better that than the chance of flipping out again in front of the workmates.
For so long I have downplayed the whole issue. 1986, when I was ten, that once off thing. 2002, at work - mortifying, off to the hospital, but again, just one of those things, and yes, I would love to stay around for more tests, but I have to head to Canada to restart a life. Well, we all know where that led...
2003, three of them in three months - surely that is just down to stress, no, we won't go to hospital because I'm just a visitor and until a work permit comes through I can't claim the fabled generous Canadian health care thing. Of course, I wait until the work permit comes through to find myself in Splitsville, ready to head back to the Antipodes.
By this stage, yes, there is a problem, but no, it can't be fixed. I look back on the past, well, 1999 in Sydney when I thought my drink could be spiked, well, I just flaked then, could have been a seizure instead - fuckit, I was having such a weirdly enjoyable night at the time. 2001, it may not have been an adverse reaction to the ant spray that made me flake out again. Hindsight, always twenty twenty.
2004, I had another one about two months after coming back from the wreckage of Ottawa. Lingering stress, can't get Medicare without evidence of a job and life in Australia, and they aren't that keen on people here less than six months anyways. I get carted off to hospital, see a GP, but meh, the pills are too expensive, I don't have a job, have a thousand other worries at the time - surprise surprise, I again bail on any thought of treatment.
And then the two at work last year - February and November. Especially the latter one put me right on my rump, and finally able to get myself together to attempt to sort myself out. Seeing a real psychologist for the possible anxiety, seeing a real neurologist and getting real meds advice. Even sticking to it, fingers crossed.
But still, even to my friends, I still refer to it as a seizure thing. Saying what I said to my boss may render a big change, or it may just be more cloak and daggers with myself, I may revert back to 'but it's just a thing' Paul again soon.
The 'Epilepsy' word is just so fraught with negativity in my mind, sitting right down there with D for Depression. Whereas the word Seizure can be laughed at or chased off with a couple of beers or something.
Seizure to Epilepsy in my mind is closely related to my coping mechanism for Self Deprecation to Depression. Which as regular readers may know, is a right royal fuck up in my thinking, but it helps me to cope.
I was in with the psychologist last week, the sixth appointment by the way, and probably because of the head cold I was thinking, why the hell am I here. Started off mega slowly but because of my low expectations, I really opened up I think. But how to effect real change in my real circumstances, rather than whinging about stuff, I don't think I have gotten there yet.
Well, this strayed a bit from the core subject, but sometimes things do that to you.
More later.
I had worked myself up over a couple of days to actually say something to the boss about it, and when I did she said she already knew, and there was even a dedicated pillow in one of the cupboards if/when it ever fucking happens at work again. Not that it will, being 110% committed to medication - this time around, forevermore, as I roll my eyes. God I hate long term medication, but better that than the chance of flipping out again in front of the workmates.
For so long I have downplayed the whole issue. 1986, when I was ten, that once off thing. 2002, at work - mortifying, off to the hospital, but again, just one of those things, and yes, I would love to stay around for more tests, but I have to head to Canada to restart a life. Well, we all know where that led...
2003, three of them in three months - surely that is just down to stress, no, we won't go to hospital because I'm just a visitor and until a work permit comes through I can't claim the fabled generous Canadian health care thing. Of course, I wait until the work permit comes through to find myself in Splitsville, ready to head back to the Antipodes.
By this stage, yes, there is a problem, but no, it can't be fixed. I look back on the past, well, 1999 in Sydney when I thought my drink could be spiked, well, I just flaked then, could have been a seizure instead - fuckit, I was having such a weirdly enjoyable night at the time. 2001, it may not have been an adverse reaction to the ant spray that made me flake out again. Hindsight, always twenty twenty.
2004, I had another one about two months after coming back from the wreckage of Ottawa. Lingering stress, can't get Medicare without evidence of a job and life in Australia, and they aren't that keen on people here less than six months anyways. I get carted off to hospital, see a GP, but meh, the pills are too expensive, I don't have a job, have a thousand other worries at the time - surprise surprise, I again bail on any thought of treatment.
And then the two at work last year - February and November. Especially the latter one put me right on my rump, and finally able to get myself together to attempt to sort myself out. Seeing a real psychologist for the possible anxiety, seeing a real neurologist and getting real meds advice. Even sticking to it, fingers crossed.
But still, even to my friends, I still refer to it as a seizure thing. Saying what I said to my boss may render a big change, or it may just be more cloak and daggers with myself, I may revert back to 'but it's just a thing' Paul again soon.
The 'Epilepsy' word is just so fraught with negativity in my mind, sitting right down there with D for Depression. Whereas the word Seizure can be laughed at or chased off with a couple of beers or something.
Seizure to Epilepsy in my mind is closely related to my coping mechanism for Self Deprecation to Depression. Which as regular readers may know, is a right royal fuck up in my thinking, but it helps me to cope.
I was in with the psychologist last week, the sixth appointment by the way, and probably because of the head cold I was thinking, why the hell am I here. Started off mega slowly but because of my low expectations, I really opened up I think. But how to effect real change in my real circumstances, rather than whinging about stuff, I don't think I have gotten there yet.
Well, this strayed a bit from the core subject, but sometimes things do that to you.
More later.
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