Have been thinking the last couple of days about the rut I have found myself in. I'm not sure of the why or what or how, but talking to V, she thinks I dwell too much on the past, especially my screw ups as in my last post. That I keep going back, almost longingly, lovingly to the worst parts of my life, and that I will never move forward if I keep going back to there.
Whereas my opinion is that it is part of my life, what has happened in the past, and, although I might go back to it from time to time, it has no bearing on my current circumstances. Apart from the whole shattered self esteem of course. And I don't go back to dwell on how that whole area of my life happened, it's just background or white noise - it just is, rather than actively impacting on thoughts nowadays.
And yes, I haven't been able to explain it precisely to myself either, if anyone is confused by the last paragraph.
I think it is a bit of the work pressure - I do my best, never get the allocated stats, and some people just natter on the phone for an hour of the day whether we are extremely busy or not, with seemingly no shame.
Also I think it is the impending thirtieth birthday thing, the what have I done with my life, where is it going, what am I doing at the moment, is there a plan at all kind of thinking.
Maybe also adding to the general gloom is the fact that the brother's girlfriend and child have come back from New Zealand, and haven't had a flat found for them yet - meaning that they will have to live in the games room for the forseeable future. Just a sense of this place being overcrowded, and more space sliced off my comfort zones. Purely selfish, I know, but there you go. I would love to move out, but with the debts and all, I can't afford to for another few months.
And, another stupid reason, but I think it gets under my skin particularly well, is the Commonwealth Games that have been constantly in the background the last week and a half. I know, I know, I could turn the channel or turn the television off, but I am a sports fanatic, love the gymnastics especially.
But what has gotten me about it, is the rabid patriotism that has infected Channel Nine. The constant refrain of Advance Australia Fair. The sense, from the media's point of view, that Australia is the best at everything, and if they don't win a medal at something, they woz robbed - please don't get me wrong, I like Australia, I like Australians, and most importantly, I like being here - Brisbane may just be a bit too hot for me, temperature wise -just the rabid patriotism does get under my skin. I'm sure there can't be anyone else in the country as over the top as the Nine commentary teams though. Or maybe, not many.
Those are the four things that I think are currently nagging me - that I can think of right at this minute at least. It's enough thinking for now, at least.
Pauly
Whereas my opinion is that it is part of my life, what has happened in the past, and, although I might go back to it from time to time, it has no bearing on my current circumstances. Apart from the whole shattered self esteem of course. And I don't go back to dwell on how that whole area of my life happened, it's just background or white noise - it just is, rather than actively impacting on thoughts nowadays.
And yes, I haven't been able to explain it precisely to myself either, if anyone is confused by the last paragraph.
I think it is a bit of the work pressure - I do my best, never get the allocated stats, and some people just natter on the phone for an hour of the day whether we are extremely busy or not, with seemingly no shame.
Also I think it is the impending thirtieth birthday thing, the what have I done with my life, where is it going, what am I doing at the moment, is there a plan at all kind of thinking.
Maybe also adding to the general gloom is the fact that the brother's girlfriend and child have come back from New Zealand, and haven't had a flat found for them yet - meaning that they will have to live in the games room for the forseeable future. Just a sense of this place being overcrowded, and more space sliced off my comfort zones. Purely selfish, I know, but there you go. I would love to move out, but with the debts and all, I can't afford to for another few months.
And, another stupid reason, but I think it gets under my skin particularly well, is the Commonwealth Games that have been constantly in the background the last week and a half. I know, I know, I could turn the channel or turn the television off, but I am a sports fanatic, love the gymnastics especially.
But what has gotten me about it, is the rabid patriotism that has infected Channel Nine. The constant refrain of Advance Australia Fair. The sense, from the media's point of view, that Australia is the best at everything, and if they don't win a medal at something, they woz robbed - please don't get me wrong, I like Australia, I like Australians, and most importantly, I like being here - Brisbane may just be a bit too hot for me, temperature wise -just the rabid patriotism does get under my skin. I'm sure there can't be anyone else in the country as over the top as the Nine commentary teams though. Or maybe, not many.
Those are the four things that I think are currently nagging me - that I can think of right at this minute at least. It's enough thinking for now, at least.
Pauly
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