Weird Dreams

I really should have a notebook next to my bed, to write down my dreams. I had two really really vivid ones last night, and they seemed to go on for ages, but the only thing I can remember now is a blond girl, in a red dress, with me tapping or shaking her shoulder, as she was on a slab or bed or table or something. Blond girl being no one I actually know.

Oh, the first dream is coming back to me now as well - something about going over the Wainuiomata Hill Road, back in suburban Wellington, because there was a plague or something in Lower Hutt, and Wainui was the only safe part of town? I know that my ex-schoolmates were there with me - ahh, sometimes I miss the old crowd, mostly I don't - but apart from that, I can't remember more. And maybe the whole plague thing is coming from V For Vendetta, that I watched today, rather than this morning's dream.

Just wanted to note a quick couple of things on the bus ride down to the shopping centre. An older guy, maybe in his 60s, maybe more, got on the bus, and had a free pair of seats behind me to sit down on. After a couple of minutes, he gave up that spare row and sat next to me - I was just a tad creeped out. And the whole reaching past his head to ring the bell, and him contorting to let me out - I was preparing myself for anything. Freak.

And the bus driver had a woman who gave him a twenty dollar bill - he asked if she had any better change for a $2.50 fare. Said it would be appreciated if next time if she had smaller change, went on like that for a couple of minutes, and then proceeded to give this woman's change in two dollar coins. He could have made his point without getting spiteful like that.

Then went and had a haircut - wasn't impressed by the girl saying 'you haven't been in for a while', and she was hardly the chatterbox, mumbling instead of talking - reminded me of my sister somewhat - but then when she was making comments about the salesperson who had come in, and asking if I could recommend any comedies to go see at the movies - sorry, luvvie, I'm not a comedies person - the first impression was starting to erode.

Picked up a shirt at Rivers, polo shirt, and went and had a nice long look in Dusk - I love that store, but where to put anything is the question. Similar thoughts happen when I go past House, or Earthborn or any of those knick knack kind of stores, I would love to express some of my taste around, but I don't really have a place to do it. And by place, I don't mean just the computer room...

Then went to the movies to catch V For Vendetta. Started off well, with the preshow music being off REM's Greatest Hits - Sidewinder Sleeps Tonight, Stand, Electrolite. It's been a while since I have listened to Stipe and Co, and is always good for a listen. At least up to New Adventures In Hi-Fi, I kind of lost interest after that.

Love Electrolite especially. In my mind it conjours up classic Americana. The truck stop out in the middle of nowhere in the Arizona desert, or the snows of the Dakotas. Across the parking lot is the bar, where the biggest weekly event for the locals is the karaoke contest on Tuesday nights. More money is spent on Friday night of course, but that is just solid drinking, Tuesday is entertainment, mostly of the country and western variety.

Wow. I should just frame that last paragraph all by itself. Or maybe brainstorm a bit more and get some good song lyrics out of it. Anyways, that's what REM's song Electrolite brings to mind to me.

Back to the movie itself - I have heard all sorts of reviews about it the last couple of weeks, from very bad to excellent, and when I have seen the trailers, I have thought please don't stuff this one up Wachowski Brothers, cf Matrix Reloaded, Revolutions. And why on earth did the TV trailers have to have the main part of the movie showing? If the movie theatre ads were good enough, which didn't show the main explosions (am hedging myself here, in case someone hasn't heard what the coup de grace of the movie is), why couldn't they go on TV?

But my faith in the whole concept of making a terrorist as freedom fighter film in these troubled times was rewarded. I thought it was a great movie, with very relevant messages, and great acting. Yes, the character of V himself could have been anyone, with Hugo Weaving's voice, and a couple of the critics felt they couldn't relate to V because of it, but if being in a mask helped Darth Vader loom over the first Star Wars trilogy, it isn't always bad.

Stephen Rea was especially good as the cop who couldn't quite put his finger on what was wrong, Stephen Fry was surprisingly good as Britain's version of Jay Leno - I'm sure most Americans will be scratching their heads at the Benny Hill reference - and Natalie Portman was good as a Jane Anyone.

Not Blade Runner by any sense of the imagination, but a damned fine comic adaptation. Now I want to go find the graphic novel and fill in the blanks - the director was on the Movie Show last night and said that if they were going to put everything in there it would be an eight hour movie, not just a tad over two. Especially want to find out what would have happened to the royals, damned monarchist in me...

Left the theatre with a knot in my stomach, which believe it or not, is the best way to leave a political thriller, I feel. The very strong feeling I had that what happened in that movie is a possible or probable future within twenty years time.

Powerful stuff.

Pauly

A Million Dollars

It's cool enough to wear shirt and tie here in Brisbane again, after the long hot summer. Yesterday, I was the bee's knees apparently, and got a couple of comments about why was I dressed up - I think the thinking was I going along for an interview was in play somewhere there, but wasn't said out loud.

Yes, I was feeling a million dollars yesterday. But then revised myself to half a million dollars, because the only real way to feel the real deal is to put on a good suit jacket, fitted with your pants for better effect. Of course, apart from job interviews, and maybe the depths of July, Brisbane is far too bloody hot to ever contemplate suit jackets.

And then further downgraded that, because, thinking back to Wellington, felt the whole million when I had put my suit jacket on after a really spiffy haircut. There was a place right next to work, hairdressers, where you could go after you had finished for the day, play a bit of Playstation, watch ESPN or Sky Sports on the box, and have your hair reshaped by hunky guys - hey, I'm straight, so I probably have no idea of what hunky really is, they were okay on the eye, let's say...

But there's just something about getting the whole combination right when dressing, and that also includes the decision on whether it will be a glasses day (I have Armani, and yes, I realise I am name dropping), or to go with contacts. Whether to gel the hair up, or to leave it naturally ruffled - by the end of the day with that option though, it just looks messed up.

And to think, for hmm about fifteen years there, I just combed it and created a huge part in my hair. What was I thinking? Or, what am I thinking now, is this whole diatribe on personal grooming a reaction to that upcoming birthday?

Will stop for now, I don't want to infect my other thoughts of the day with this mindless narcissism (if I have spelt it right).

Pauly

An Experiment

We will be conducting an experiment for the forseeable future. This experiment will consist of me having relatively early nights going to sleep, and figuring out whether my downward mood can improve with eight or nine hours sleep instead of the more usual seven or so.

This of course is being foisted on me because being on the computer too late in the night may wake my niece, who is sleeping about five metres away in the next room. And the games room, where I retreat on Monday usually to watch South Park and the news, is a temporary bedroom. Had to endure the mindnumbingness of Numbers and Supernatural, which my sister and mother watch, in the lounge instead. Monday being my father's night on the net of course.

Totally selfish sounding I am sure, but I have a wide buffer zone attached to my personal space you know. Damned freaking credit cards, with the debt incurred and still valid, grr - if not for that I might have moved out by now. Of course, I might have still been in Ottawa as well.

Maybe the debt did serve a purpose, at least back then. Triggering a nervous breakdown, 'the nervous breakdown we had to have' a la one of the politicians, one of the British PMs of the 70s perhaps, saying the recession we had to have.

God, my thinking can be so scattergun at times. Watched The Weather Man at the movies yesterday, weird little movie, hard to categorise, was it a dark comedy or a drama with funny bits? Anyways, just wanted to mention it, because the script writers and Nic Cage had typical male scattergun thinking captured so perfectly. 'Tartare sauce? They were out.' Classic.

Pauly

Down, Not Out

Have been thinking the last couple of days about the rut I have found myself in. I'm not sure of the why or what or how, but talking to V, she thinks I dwell too much on the past, especially my screw ups as in my last post. That I keep going back, almost longingly, lovingly to the worst parts of my life, and that I will never move forward if I keep going back to there.

Whereas my opinion is that it is part of my life, what has happened in the past, and, although I might go back to it from time to time, it has no bearing on my current circumstances. Apart from the whole shattered self esteem of course. And I don't go back to dwell on how that whole area of my life happened, it's just background or white noise - it just is, rather than actively impacting on thoughts nowadays.

And yes, I haven't been able to explain it precisely to myself either, if anyone is confused by the last paragraph.

I think it is a bit of the work pressure - I do my best, never get the allocated stats, and some people just natter on the phone for an hour of the day whether we are extremely busy or not, with seemingly no shame.

Also I think it is the impending thirtieth birthday thing, the what have I done with my life, where is it going, what am I doing at the moment, is there a plan at all kind of thinking.

Maybe also adding to the general gloom is the fact that the brother's girlfriend and child have come back from New Zealand, and haven't had a flat found for them yet - meaning that they will have to live in the games room for the forseeable future. Just a sense of this place being overcrowded, and more space sliced off my comfort zones. Purely selfish, I know, but there you go. I would love to move out, but with the debts and all, I can't afford to for another few months.

And, another stupid reason, but I think it gets under my skin particularly well, is the Commonwealth Games that have been constantly in the background the last week and a half. I know, I know, I could turn the channel or turn the television off, but I am a sports fanatic, love the gymnastics especially.

But what has gotten me about it, is the rabid patriotism that has infected Channel Nine. The constant refrain of Advance Australia Fair. The sense, from the media's point of view, that Australia is the best at everything, and if they don't win a medal at something, they woz robbed - please don't get me wrong, I like Australia, I like Australians, and most importantly, I like being here - Brisbane may just be a bit too hot for me, temperature wise -just the rabid patriotism does get under my skin. I'm sure there can't be anyone else in the country as over the top as the Nine commentary teams though. Or maybe, not many.

Those are the four things that I think are currently nagging me - that I can think of right at this minute at least. It's enough thinking for now, at least.

Pauly

Only Happy When It Rains

A couple of days ago, when I changed the CD in my player from Moby to Garbage, I realised that one of my favourite songs on that debut album has as a major line 'pour your misery down on me', as well as only being happy when it rains, riding high on deep depressions and such like. And I have a grin a mile wide, even when I am actually listening to the lyrics.

And I got to thinking, when did it all start going wrong, thinking self esteem wise. I was always a quietish child, and have been terrified of and subservient to authority ever since I got a talking to from the teacher about a fight I was involved in at age six, or maybe seven.

Apart from that I think I had a pretty quiet school life while still in New Zealand - I was short, and I had glasses, and I didn't play sports because of those glasses, but it wasn't until I got to Australia at age ten that I really remember any bullying happening. Short, glasses and, the most crucial part, an accent. You know that cliche about kids can be so cruel? Well, I found out it was true.

And, rather than wasting energy fighting it, because I was small and lightly built and I would have been pummelled if I ever tried to fight, I took all the teasing and bullying in - it was never physical bullying, don't want to give that impression, but words that cut deeply. So deeply in fact that I haven't been able to get the splinters out since.

It also went along with my submissive nature that, rather than trying to point out what was wrong with people's perceptions, I took all that they said on board, and refined it so that I would get the digs in before anyone else did. A habit that has stuck with me ever since, I always take on criticism much more easily than praise, no alpha male here.

And, something that I just thought of, even my group of friends in Oz first time around made fun of me. Now, I always thought that I had difficulty making good friends (I can make average friends with people at the drop of a hat) because I had three primary schools and two high schools, but the thought I just had was that if my friends teased me along with everyone else, maybe I am scared of getting close to anyone again because of that? Or perhaps a combination of the two reasons.

Running with the thought, thinking further, I think that I have made fun of myself in front of new groups of friends ever since I left high school - or have tried to melt into the walls so much that I may as well not been there.

The thing I had most pride in throughout my school life was my grades. I was an A to A minus student in primary school, and I started out an A to B student in high school. For some reason I was never able to really study for exams, I was always better at remembering something when first taught and keeping it in my brain. I am sure I have described elsewhere in this blog - I wrote together a good 'Depression' series sometime last year - how I became a lazy B student, and how I started stressing about assignments. Not so much exams, just assignments, but still that was bad enough.

For some reason, after I had discussed my options with my parents, I decided to go to high school for the final year, rather than go out on a technical college course, and that was another bad decision in my life. I can't remember exactly what made me crack, a perfect storm kind of thing, depression, school issues, my birth family doing an ambush phone call on my seventeenth birthday, but I cracked big time.

One suicide attempt, that I now look back on as 'just' self mutilation, where I shredded my wrists with scissors and knives and stuff. Six months later, an overdose of the antidepressant pills I was supposed to be getting better on. That was the real attempt, a death or glory attitude to completely tuning out.

Obviously I survived.

After a spot of recovery working for three years, and a boost to my spirits and my self sufficiency by travelling in Europe and working in London, the next knock to my self esteem came with H. Bloody computer, meeting H on the other side of the Pacific - but that raises another interesting question - why have I never been able to find a potential partner in the same city as I have been in, why have my relationships always started off by long distance?

Easy answer would be the self esteem and the usual pall of negativity around me, at least in the realm of meeting women, but it is a thought that I would like to dig at a bit more, get some sort of deeper meaning or explanation from it.

Vancouver Island and Victoria were brilliant, but Ireland was a nightmare. There were good spots in there, good in bitterweet ways, but why oh why did I have to spend three grand on the plane ticket in the first place - cost benefit analysis completely out the window.

I had work to throw myself into, on arrival back in New Zealand. Lucky that, otherwise I may have done something drastic. My personal life, not the greatest at the best of times back then, was completely shredded for the next six months at least.

I think those three things were the major self esteem shredding moments in my life - the teasing, the suicide attempt, the truly madly deeply falling apart so spectacularly. Compared to those, even the arguments I had with K the last couple of months I was in Canada seem minor by comparison. Hindsight is always good for those comparisons.

And have been a bit down this week so far. Work is soul destroying, and even though I try to convince myself that these things go in cycles, the only way that I can see things improving is hiring more staff - though that hasn't happened in eighteen months, and the company is on a retrenchment drive for the forseeable future. And the targets they set, I have tried and tried and tried, but I don't know if I will ever reach them.

I do my best, but whether that is good enough or not, who knows? And I'm sure I am being harder on myself than my bosses ever would be, but eh, it's a down cycle, rather than straight out depression.

And I'm sure it is all part of the taking stock at my thirtieth birthday thing, which is in a couple of weeks - what have I done with my life, what direction is it going, what possible plans could I put into place. What's going on, perhaps, in three words.

More later
Paul

Very Disturbing

Am just watching a repeat of the Four Corners program from Monday about the drug ice, and it's users. It is totally depressing and disturbing. And a total warning to stay completely the fuck away from hard drugs.

The psychosis of some of them, the fatalism of others, and especially the thought that they are in the community next to us everyday nine to fivers. Totally nuts. This doctor on at the moment is saying that treating heroin addicts was the 'good old days' compared to ice.

And they all look so haggard, and drawn, and hollowed out. Not just their veins, not just their faces, but their entire bodies. In another life, another decision, they could have been the wannabe yuppies of Secret Life Of Us or something.

Almost enough for me to think what the hell have I got to be depressed about. Almost but not quite.

Pauly

Happy

When on the train yesterday, instead of having my usual book, newspaper or magazine to read, I had my CD player going. For about the first time in three weeks. And on said CD player, I had Play by Moby, err, playing.

One of the albums seared into my memory, associated with the trip to Victoria and Vancouver Island, five and a half years ago. Along with Kid A by Radiohead, and one of Wide Mouth Mason's one - that latter album, the only time I have heard Saskatchewan in song lyrics LOL.

But back to Play. The strongest memory of that is at one of the beaches, Sombrio I think, to the west of Victoria, past Sooke. A rocky beach, and in jeans and jackets - this was November in Canada, remember - and lying side by side with H. Looking deep into her eyes. I was so happy I could have happily bled through my fingertips, giving space in my body to more happiness and love and all that.

I roll my eyes about it now, but yeah, first truly madly deeply of my life. I hardly think about it nowadays, but when I do, as when I listen to Play, which we were listening to on the drive back to Victoria, it comes back. Sometimes stronger than other times.

Meeting up at Vancouver airport. Going to a junior hockey game, and then to a cafe for coffee and cake afterwards. Driving to Cathedral Grove to see the end of the salmon spawning season. I could go on, but I would likely bore everybody else.

I was really happy back then. I even talked a bit before my Irish trip a couple of months later to workmates, where usually I try to clam up about my personal life in the workplace. Boy, did I get burned with that one.

I'm already wrung out thinking about Ireland and I just grazed the surface, ick.

Life On Mars

The title this entry taken from one of David Bowie's song circa Ziggy Stardust persona. After the news a week or so back that one of Saturn's moons apparently had an ocean underneath a thin crust of ice, today the scientists have tried to figure out the odds of Earth debris making it to the outer solar system.

After an asteroid hit such as the one that wiped out the dinosaurs, the scientists thought that parts of Earth, with possible microbes attached, would be flung out into the solar system., to hit Titan or Europa. Would only take a million years or so.

Thought I would mention it here, after reading this quote -

Asked after his presentation by one scientist whether he thought microbes would be able to survive Titan's freezing temperatures, Dr Gladman answered: "That's for you people to decide, I'm just the pizza delivery boy."

Scientists and humour, I like it :)
Pauly

A Doozy

If that is indeed a word, and the correct spelling in the Oxford dictionary - I had a doozy of a dream last night. It started off with me saying goodbye to a friend from primary school - of course, the grown up version - and him saying if you want to come around tomorrow, remember I have to be somewhere.

So, it cuts away to the tomorrow, and I am walking towards the friend's place, from the railway station in a bit of a rural area. I see a man walking with a dog, with a huge tree behind them, with mountains beyond, and I take a shot of them with the camera. It is a very scenic area, and I could take more shots if I wanted to.

I get to the friend's place, and he says I have to be gone shortly, but we have a quick pasta to eat before he goes out. His girlfriend drops around, and they are cuddling on the couch - I was about to say sofa, but that is an Americanism isn't it - and the television gets switched on. And it is Mike Myers being interviewed by that Actors Studio guy. 'How did you come up with the idea of Austin Powers, the duality between him and Dr Evil' and other such poncey questions ensue.

Oh, and my brother and the girlfriend were having a second kid somewhere in there as well, but I don't quite remember where.

Could remember so much of it, and even could remember the colours of the sunset as I was walking to the house. Yeah, a doozy all right...

Paul

One Down, One To Go

Just watching the Commonwealth Games - as a New Zealander, I only really feel the need for two golds at this thing. The rugby sevens, and the netball. And we have won the sevens yippee. More medals of course would be nice, hopefully be a couple in the triathlon, but those two team sports are the only ones I feel the NEED to get, if you know what I mean.

Of course the Australian gold avalanche has started - the host country was 'disappointed' with a haul of only three on the first day, today they added another nine hmm. Not even going to get into the point of the games as an event, but really, everyone knows they aren't the Olympics.

The opening ceremony was okay, I guess, I liked the choice of Under The Milky Way for the ballet part of the thing, and Dame Kiri is always good value, even for a happy birthday singalong, but as for other bits - giant koalas, whatthe? And surely they could have found a better singer than Delta, please? Even Kylie? And the Turin Olympics were only a couple of weeks ago, oh thinker uppers of the flaming backpacks on skaters - and the Italians are the kings and queens of design, so yeah, flying tram land versus Benetton and Versace.

The fireworks were nice though.

And back to the sevens, it was a bit distressing to see that Aussie player convulse on the field after a very heavy tackle. Apart from that though, I think that whenever the Aussies got the ball or were likely to score, they were being booed? Obviously not a lot of Melburnians got tickets to the sevens, to add the local support.

Pauly

I Dream Of Clooney

A weird dream from the other night - but then again, when do I describe the boring ones? George Clooney was in it, selling Red Cross stuff. Starstruck, I bought something for $25, but when he gave me my change, he gave what I had given him.

Later on, he was in a chair, opening up an envelope. It was from the Immigration Department or something - the Australian one - saying that his application for permanent residency had been rejected.

Where those disparate strands of thought - Clooney, Red Cross and DIMIA - came together in my head, I do not know...

Pauly

I Don't Usually Do Memes, But...

This one has me thinking.

'List ten things you want to say to people you know, but you never will, for whatever reason.

Don't say who they are.

Use each person only once.'

I'll have to get my thinking cap on, this time of night is not conducive to such deep thinking that is required for this one. Also not conducive to correct English grammar, obviously...

Paul

Thoughts

A History Of Violence was a disappointment. First one of the year movie wise. Viggo Mortenson was fine, Maria Bello (I had to double check to remember she was out of Coyote Ugly) was good as well, the plot started off well, but by about half way through it just kind of drifted. It was a bit distracting also to think of the son character as Seth off the OC LOL.

And then by the time William Hurt came along, trying to make it into a comedy - a Best Supporting Actor nomination for five minutes maximum in the film? Come on - and each lovingly crafted, meant to send a message act of violence was met with Pulp Fictionesque giggling by most of the audience, it was all falling apart. And then that limp ending, what was up with that??

Maybe I should have gone to Hustle and Flow, or perhaps Match Point. Eh, two hours I can't take back of my life. And one of the previews was for a Mel Gibson film, Apocalypto, looks like it's the Fall of the Mayan, Aztec or Inca Empire. After all that Aramaic in the last one he did, oh I can hardly wait for all the tribal dialects of this one.

On my wander around town at lunchtime today, I came across a crowd of kids and parents, standing outside a bus with defence personnel standing nearby. Obviously the newest recruits, to be flown off to Townsville (I am guessing) for basic training.

And it hit me, as it hasn't hit me in a long time - Australia is at war. With troops both in the current hot zones of Afghanistan and Iraq, even though we hardly ever hear of them in civvy steet, except when politicians drop in on them to have a barbeque and play some cricket - inside, with bullet proof vests and behind blast proof shields of course.

New Zealand is at war as well, or at least I think we did have some troops in Afghanistan last time I looked. And 99% of normal, everyday, civilian life goes on as per usual - apart from increased security at airports, and higher oil prices because Iran may have nukes in a year or two.

And seeing all these seventeen or eighteen year old recruits milling about, saying goodbye to Mum and Dad, it got me to thinking what motivates kids to join the armed forces, when we aren't in a situation of Total War, and it's very likely if you last a couple of years, or however long basic training takes, that you will get posted to some very ugly warzones. Australia has been lucky, with only a handful of fatalities in the 'war on terror' that I know of, but all it could take is a suicide bomber in your barracks - thinking of the Italians in Nassariyah two years or so ago.

Do the recruiters make it sound like it is a big adventure? That you may get to see the world, or that it is all a self awareness see what you can do yourself kind of thing? Or is that small percentile of eighteen year olds who join up especially bloodthirsty, or alternately uber patriotic? Things to ponder.

I would have signed up to the New Zealand forces if they had requested a general mobilisation after September 11. The shock, disgust and outrage I felt in those first months after the attacks made me feel like I wanted to do something. I was all for the removal of the Taleban and ousting of Al-Qaeda from Afghanistan. Luckily for me, I guess, all that NZ was sending at that time was special forces, and there ain't no way I would ever get to that level even in a tinpot military, let alone New Zealand - oh...

When it came to Iraq though, was totally against it. Believe it or not, I wrote an email to K at the time outlining the whole happiness at getting rid of Saddam but annoyance at the occupying forces thing that has generally played out since. Even though I can no longer find a copy of such email - maybe it was a dream.

But I wouldn't have joined up in a general mobilisation for an Iraq stint, that's all I'm meaning I guess. Afghanistan was a just war, Iraq less so.

And what I felt I think is a minor version of what the international community felt as well - all solidarity with the US after 9/11, pissed off at hearing about WMDs and Saddam and just Bush pissing away all the earlier goodwill by the time of the Iraqi invasion. If not six months before even - remember, it was a long long process trying to get authority from the UN for the war... yawnworthy, if it hadn't cost tens of thousands of lives since.

Rant rant LOL.

Okay, have run out of ideas for now - well, I haven't, but after Iraq whinging, I don't think the reaction to baby pictures in the office somehow would cut across subjects well at all. Leave that for tomorrow I think.

Pauly

The Way Things Should Be

Ahh, the start of the Formula One season. Michael Schumacher on pole, after the qualifying session of the Bahrain Grand Prix - I don't think he got a pole all of last season? Of course, I could be wrong, but I can't be bothered googling to check my facts - and yet another change to the qualifying, seemingly borrowing from Australian V8 Supercars, the rocket on wheels mob are doing a Top Ten shoot out.

And of course the Formula One circus is starting in Bahrain this year, because Melbourne is in security lockdown due to the Commonwealth Games. Saw the Queen flying into Canberra this morning, and the Sunrise crew were asking who really cares about her trips down here anymore - the same could be asked for the Commonwealth Games as well I guess. That's all I am going to say on that topic, don't want to get too negative too early in the day :)

And usually when I am checking out the NHL, I only check out the actual scores, or, if I am in the correct time zone, listen to the games on internet radio. This week, for the first time ever, I was actually delving into the nuttiness that is the trade deadline. What with Vancouver struggling for consistency and half the premium 'blue line' being injured, fingers crossed we can have an extended playoff run.

Okay, enough of the sports talk - oh, sorry, just have to check out the Super 14 results from overnight... the anticipation, stopping myself from checking it out immediately LOL. Yesss, Hurricanes win a thriller over Stormers - I'm happy for the day LOL. And yes, I know that paragraph needed a bit more spacing to make sense, but just imagine the spaces between the sentences of two minutes :)

Will go see History of Violence this afternoon - although Hustle and Flow got a good review in the paper, will battle it out with Match Point for my movie dollars next week perhaps...

Paul

An OK Day At Work

Surprisingly, as it was hella busy. As it has been the last two weeks basically. Especially busy for a Friday, but the positivity was because of the two compliments from customers that have basically burned into my skull.

The first one was a pretty simple order, no dramas to it or anything, but I explained what I would do blah blah - as I usually do, to every customer I get - and the feedback from this girl went along the lines of 'can I have your direct number, because you have been the most friendly, most helpful person I have ever talked to in your company'. Sorry, but we don't give direct numbers out, just the freecall one, but we are obliged, when asked or when we feel like it, to give out our full names. There are more Paulies in the company than just myself LOL.

So that gave me a bit of a buzz.

And then, about an hour later, another good call came in. Was an internal call from another staff member in the company, ringing in about an order already placed by a customer. I found the order, gave him all the info I thought he would need, and at the end of it he said I had been very thorough, I had known what he wanted to know before he even asked the questions (it's called experience, buddy), and he hoped he would get me next time he rang in.

This was all before lunch of course. The afternoon dragged as it normally does.

Pauly

Picture Of The Week

Tonda, an orangutan at Panama City Beach Zooworld - Florida, not Panama - has befriended a cat called TK. Best friends for the past two months, after Tonda's mate died two years ago.

Cuteness meter off the scale :)

Yeah, and I think orangutans are cute...

Funny Moment

The best laugh I have had watching television in a longgggggg time - Family Guy is on, and Chris was getting milk in the supermarket, a hand came out, grabbed him into the back of the refrigerator, and he was suddenly in the Take On Me video by 80s legends A-Ha. Truly truly a laugh out loud moment, and I did so for a good thirty seconds, maybe longer.

Damn, that was funny.

PS - there are enough download sites of the clip on the net, if ever I want to replay it. Won't be as funny the second time around though...

Kiss Me I'm Irish

First distracting non-work thought of the day today was, it's March, does anything happen in March - when's Saint Patrick's Day, oh, it's next Friday. Thinking back three years - geez, was it only three years, it seems like a hundred. Saskatoon, with the food, the drink, the singing, the dancing. Fun times, a smile comes to my face.

Oh. I'm on meds that I shouldn't mix alcohol with. There goes that idea. Fuck it.

And no, I'm not an alcoholic, I just would like to have the option to let loose every so often. That Saint Paddy's Day three years ago was the last time I got completely trolleyed, so I do feel I am responsible in the main.

Paul

Stupidity

Yeah, I have tried to lay off the news articles since a spot of criticism (for being piss weak boring) was thrown at me a month or two ago, but how stupid is this...

The US Attorney General (or should that be Torturer In Chief), Alberto Gonzales, has said that the detention camp at Guantanamo Bay is consistent with the provisions of the Geneva Conventions. And, of course, that the Geneva Conventions should be updated, to take into account these non state player, post 9/11 days.

How wrong art thee, let me count the ways. Where does one begin on such a fucked up statement? Does Alberto 'torture memo boy' really believe what he is saying, or has he lost all sense of reality?

Reminds me of that story about a week back, that the US President had a video link conference with officials from FEMA and other federal agencies before Katrina struck, where he was informed that the levees being broken was a real threat.

About a week later, Dubya said on national television that 'I don't think anyone anticipated the breach of the levees'. How much of a grasp on reality was that?

Not even going to start on the depressing news about global warming this week - a report out is saying that we are currently having fifty species extinctions a DAY, rather than the long term average of one extinction every five years. The most catastrophic threat to biodiversity in 65 million years.

The main Greenland glaciers are retracting at twice the normal rate, and flowing at twice the normal speed, so that is four times as much fresh water dumped into the North Atlantic than usual. Wasn't that the premise for The Day After Tomorrow? The North Atlantic currents and weather systems would get fucked up big time?

Eh, I will be either funny or focussed on work or family in my next post - just had to get out a bit of angry bile on paper. Sorry to those who think my personal work is better :)

Paul

An Opportunity

They are recruiting new bloggers for the corporate website, and they are doing it via a Blog Idol kind of way - write a sample blog of 200 words, and we will see how good a writer you are.

Nah. Thought about it for all of three minutes, and I don't think I would be able to toe the party line, with the Mao Little Red Book slavishness to positivity. Plus I don't think my section is exciting enough to make the cut.

What I would like to write -

'Got into work today, tired, grumpy, didn't want to talk to customers at all. The lid on my caffeine drink wouldn't open properly, so I was without that caffeine boost for almost an hour, fifteen minutes of which were spent concentrating on cutting the lid with a pair of scissors.

Got various calls during the day. Generally felt more civil as the day went on, but what is it with the nutjobs of customers we have been getting the last couple of weeks. I thought it would calm down after the full moon last week, but no such luck.

And what is it with the other parts of the organisation thinking that we are the omnipotent lot? No, dickheads, we know as much about the 'too hard basket' as you. We just have trained ourselves to seem efficient and knowledgeable, because it seems that no one else in the company tries to be.'

What the bosses want -

'Came into work today, full of vigour to assist our customer's with their [insert company product here] and also with their life and lifestyle overall. Kept a smile on my face all day, even with the difficult calls - especially with the 'special' calls. Encouraged my team mates to show excellence in the workplace, and discouraged any type of inefficient workflow practises.

I interacted with various members of the wider staff, and each conversation was friendly, helpful, and gave overall value to the end customer. I had time to read each and every one of the emails detailing system updates, staff and management changes, and training information.'

Insert another paragraph detailing synergy, continuous improvement, name drop a senior manager or two, and no doubt you will be in.

And yes, I am feeling cynical tonight LOL.

Pauly

Family Affair

Yeah, found that song title, Mary J Blige if anyone remembers, over the weekend, and it seems most appropriate to the major story around these parts this weekend.

My brother and his girlfriend apparently had a major argument sometime last week, and she is flying back across the Tasman, with their daughter, to think about things. Apparently my brother was pretty cold about things in the argument, virtually chasing his other half out of Dodge.

So we had the niece over for the weekend, and oh my goodness, all the toys came out. All the cameras came out. And even some video footage of the kid walking was taken. And I'm sure there were some tears shed by the 'grandparents'.

Sunday morning we weren't sure even whether they would ever come back to Australia. Sunday afternoon, while I was watching Lord of War, and mallratting, my parents went over to their place, dropped the kid off, had a quick chat to the 'daughter in law'. It really looks like my brother brought things to a head and he is always going out with the boys - I could say that compromise is needed in a relationship, especially when a kid is involved, but then I don't want to be the pot with the kettle - we are all selfish in our own, different ways.

Mum and Dad offered to help out the girlfriend, if she wanted to stay in Oz, rather than head back home, even if she wasn't going to be with my brother anymore - aren't my parents good? Sister not quite in law said that her boss had even gotten a budget to get her a computer to keep at home and do work from there. Her boss obviously loves her, and the offer will probably remain open for a couple of months at least.

And then this morning, I woke up, did my usual morning stuff, and saw a message from Mum saying that the baby, well, toddler, was sick and she had driven around there to see what she could do - this from a woman who had a traumatic car accident a few years ago, she has hardly driven since.

[Additional, after previous post interrupted by someone else using the comp]

So, I wasn't sure what sort of sickness the niece had, but thought it had to be serious for Mum to take the day off work. When I thought about it later, in the office, I gave a quick call back saying my work number in case they needed to ring urgently - no, I hadn't given my work phone number to my family before this at all.

Didn't get a call, or a text on my mobile all day, so thought all was okay, but as I headed home from the train station, a gnawing doubt bit at me - I say bit, because it wasn't enough to eat away at me.

But apparently all is okay - the girlfriend and the kid are on their way back home to NZ. The child was screaming if you lifted her arm up too high - Mum used the car to take them to the doctor, who did tests and X-Rays, but couldn't find anything easily wrong.

Mum and the girlfriend talked a bit more - apparently her mother, who has recently gotten a new boyfriend (her parents are divorced), said that having her daughter and the granddaughter in the house with the new beau would be too awkward. Like really, very maternal thinking there.

So she will be staying with her father, between four and eight weeks, and she would like to come back to Oz - she asked Mum if the offer to get financial help even if not being with my brother still stood, and Mum said of course. So, from the Australian front of the family, things are looking a bit more positive than they were earlier in the weekend - apart from the whole break up of course.

All my parents have wanted since my siblings and I have gained adulthood was grandchildren. They have kept all the toys and books back from when we were toddlers and stuff, waiting for the next generation. The whole thought of the granddaughter being in another country, lucky to be visited once every six months, I could see the trauma building. Hopefully it has been averted, but who knows.

My brother is not their favourite at the moment.

Pauly

Sinking Heart, For The Silliest Reason

This afternoon, I have been compiling a list of songs, both catchy and actually good, from the past eight years of ARIA sales information - ARIA being the Australian recording industry association, or something like that. The actual ARIA site itself only has the yearly lists, but the Rage playlist sites have actually week to week information from 1998.

It is kind of a fun task, why I am doing it I have no idea - well, yes I do, if I get a sampling of good and catchy tunes, I will be able to download them off the net sometime or another - and interesting, such as knowing that there was a time in the past where there was no Britney Spears in the charts. Or the one with talent, Christina LOL.

And also figuring out when the songs came out as to what was happening in my personal life, such as 1998 I was still over in England, enjoying the heck out of myself - apart from perhaps the Antipodean bars and the fact that the All Blacks lost five in a row, which I have written about elsewhere on the blog.

However, the funniest in a strange sense thing is that now I am in 2000, looking at the music trends there, and it is with a sinking heart that I am lining up these charts with what was happening in my personal life - the November 2000 trip to Vancouver Island, which went well, and the February 2001 trip to Northern Ireland, which went less so.

For some reason it was like a punch to the stomach when I saw the first song I associate with that time - Vitamin C's Friends Forever - come up in the charts. I still like the song, but personal experience of it was watching the video flying home, on the LA to Auckland leg of the trip, after the whole Irish experience. And wanting to believe that me and H would be friends forever.

Yeah, soppy moments ahead I am sure. The trip over to Vancouver on the first trip was good though, Coyote Ugly on the movie screen on the plane. There was a time before Coyote Ugly was released, believe it or not :)

Will be interesting when I get to the early 2001 charts, what songs I can remember from that time - and if I can remember any happy positive songs. That was pretty much a train wreck period of my life, for at least six months...

Pauly

This Weekend I Will Be Watching

It's Oscar weekend in the States, but since I have seen most of the nominated films, and I'm fifty fifty as to whether I will get around to seeing Capote - this particular moment's fifty percent is that I won't be watching it - I will catch Lord Of War. I think it's supposed to be a black comedy, but I don't really have any preconceptions about it at all, which is usually a good thing.

Next week it might be Match Point. I'm not a Woody Allen fan, and the trailers have left me a bit cold, but the reviews have been good. Or A History Of Violence. The Weather Man and V For Vendetta are on the horizon for later in the month. Mmm, fascist governments and the terrorists who fight against them, my mouth is watering at the plot already :)

And, two paragraphs about movies to start with, no posts for a couple of days - you just know I'm struggling with inspiration again, don't you?

And does it make me a dodgy person if I admit to liking that latest Nelly song, Grillz? I wouldn't say fan exactly, but I'll probably download it at some point - if you haven't seen the video clip, it's basically about diamond mouth guards and scantily clad women bouncing around - yes, one of THOSE type of vids LOL.

Although I think it's kind of evened out by me also liking Bright Eyes' First Day Of Your Life. One of those I love you very much and I would die without you songs - the video to that song had people, mostly couples, listening to the song in old skool headphones and mouthing I love you to each other LOL. In other words, fairly sappy.

I had one of those days at work yesterday - shifted desks from Wednesday, I had Thursday off, so yesterday was the first day in the new, hmm, I was trying to work in a change of chairs on the Star Trek set into the thought process, but couldn't do it without being this obvious LOL, anyways, I was on the phone with the IT Helpdesk for about half an hour to start things off, and then for the rest of the day got nutter customers on the phone, who basically just wanted a half hour chat when I could have got the relevant info and started on any orders after five seconds. An exaggeration, but not by much.

One of those days where you feel like you are trying to work through treacle, instead of air between the keyboard, phone, whatever and your fingers. I hate those types of days.

Oh, I went to the doctor's on Thursday - just to do a general check up and also get advice regards the dilantin stuff. His advice was keep taking the pills, here's a bit of paperwork for some blood tests in a couple of weeks. He said that I may have to be on the pills for five to ten years to get enough of it in my bloodstream to make sure I don't have seizures ever again.

And here I was thinking it would only be a year - no alcohol for five years, fuck that for a joke. I'm not born again in any way shape or form, so I would like the occasional choice of a drink or two sometime maybe two years down the track LOL. And yes, I do know that probably makes me sound like an alky, hmm.

Oh, and apparently I'm not classified as an epileptic, the seizures I have been having are just 'one of those things', and there may be no cause that can medically be tracked down to explain them. So it could very well be stress, hmm - I have a vision of the docs scratching their heads, saying just keep taking these meds, bleah, so much for a vision, that's blimmin reality :)

Not sure what I think of this new doctor yet. He's an older guy, first impressions are he thinks everything he says is right, but of course I could be wrong. Just remember the impression I got of my psychiatrist when I was going through my massive depression in high school, and how I would show him - why I got that thought in my mind back then, I do not know. 1993 Pauly was a completely different fuck up than I am today.

Although of course I still have problems LOL.

Well, obviously the writers' block only lasts as long as it takes me to actually START writing, once I put one sentence down, they all start flowing out. Just thinking of a sentence to start with that is slowing this blog experience down.

Later peeps
Pauly

Thought Of The Day

A guest sees more in an hour than the host in a year - Polish proverb.

About the first half decent thought of the day from the day planner so far this year.

Morning Greetings

The cat came and scratched at the bedroom door for the first time in months this morning - was good to jump out of bed, open the door, let her in to snuggle. Have missed that - my family thinks it has something to do with the heat over summer, the cat may not like being inside when it's 25 degrees at six in the morning...

Yeah, snuggling with cats, the highlight of my happiness in bed LOL.

And then, as I was headed out the door to go to the train station to continue my servitude to 'the Man', I heard some chirping in the palm tree by the driveway, looked up. And there were two rainbow lorikeets having their breakfast, of seeds or something. Beautiful looking birds, and the best thing is they just fly about wild.

Of course, it's not the phalanxes of galahs or lorikeets and the drabber birds out in the countryside when the parents lived in Maryborough, but it was still a lovely start to the day. Hope the photos come out - yes, of course I took photos LOL, but I couldn't get too close otherwise I would scare them away.

Also took some photos of flowers on the way to the station. Purple, yellow and red ones. I smile each time I pass them, and wanted to take pics before they shrivel up for the winter. Of course, whether the pics are any good or not is the question, but we will see what comes out when the film is developed.

And how old school is that phrase, 'film developed' - I am so getting a digital camera for my birthday. Contributions from interested parties, because $200 to $300 is too much to shell out from one person, but we will see what's out there. And of course putting off the going to which gym decision after my birthday as well - very much a 'too late for a quarter life crisis' crisis. Or random thoughts, or however you want to describe it.

Work has been crazy busy this week, and pretty much a non event. Although excitement of excitement, apart from the day off tomorrow, I am shifting desks on Friday. Excitement plus, the highlight of the last three months probably. Yeah, work IS that brain dead at the moment, though crazy busy at the same time.

Later peeps
Pauly