A Few Positives

Jacksonville said to remember that I'm loved, not to stress, and that everything will come out in the wash.

Lucerne said that next time I fall apart, to give her a call and she will slap some sense into me.  Which was lovely to hear, as I hadn't thought to put her in that category as yet.

And Havana, one of the friends I have made most recently, said that the first impression that I give is funny, creative, understanding, loyal, brave and have an amazing, jealousy inspiring sense of style.

I've still got it.  Even when I'm all about the self doubts recently.

Distractions

Some of the things I have thought about writing this week -

- misogyny, rape culture, male entitlement and yes all women;

- cross dressing, self esteem, shame and hurt;

- the struggle that is First World Problems, when Iraq and Ukraine are falling apart, a billion people don't have fresh water, and various of my friends have much bigger issues than me;

- visiting an ex, and feeling next to nothing emotion wise about it all, and how awful that lack of feeling was;

- food and restaurant blogging.

What I have done instead -

- inserted needles in my back, or rather, a friend put them in for me - acupuncture lol;

- watched a zillion football World Cup games;

- fretted about friendships;

- avoided writing stuff.

A Remembered Nightmare

Ugh. The first one that I can remember in almost a month.  Was watching television, in my dream, and it was the news.  Some revolution out of control in Egypt or Syria or Pakistan, one of the currently unstable countries, and they were showing executions.  Not that I have ever gone looking for that sort of stuff on the interwebz, but the imagined in my dreams was quite upsetting, and enough to jolt me awake.  Ugh. 

Hmm. And I missed a word last night about the blow back from realising Casablanca is truly over. In amongst all the hurt and pain and anger and bile, there is also a deep sense of betrayal.  As much as she will deny it now, I came to Perth with an idea of how things might go.  Now, whether I misinterpreted or not, doesn't deny the fact that she wanted me here. I believe in a more than just friends capacity. 

Execution dreams indicate a major life change or needing to cut someone from your life, apparently. It's on the interwebz, it must be true.  Lol. 

Writing at 4 in the morning.  Always a bad sign... 

Scattered Thoughts

I'm just feeling a bit lost in myself at the moment.  I'm looking back on the last few weeks and realising how close to the edge I have been.

I do believe I had a nervous breakdown.  Or was as close to one as I have been in decades.  Overwhelmed with emotion.  The first time I had actually started to let go of all the hurt and bile and pain of the Casablanca Experiment, as I realised the relationship portion of that all is finally over.  And there's still plenty more hurt and pain on that front to let go of, and I am terrified of how that will go.

And the fact that I emotionally collapsed in front of Roma, who is going through her own stuff at the moment - the dynamic is a delicate enough balance as it is, and for me to just fall apart hmm.  Is embarrassing the right word?  Mortified?  Scared?  Yeah, something along those lines.  Deep breath, it will all sort itself out in the wash.  It always does.

Despite the last paragraph, had a great weekend.  Spent most of it with Jacksonville, with Roma helping with an outfit and make up on Saturday evening for a party I was going to.  A couple of set piece group situations, and I am still finding my feet in large groups again.  Not sure why I am veering away from those at the moment, and it is related to the whole lost feeling from the first sentence today.

I leave work, and even when I do have plans (or, as today, coming home for a clean the house night, long overdue lol), I don't know what to do or where to go or whatever.  Hence my thinking this is the calm after the storm of last month.

Am I making any sort of sense here>?  I'm kinda sorta doubting it, to be honest.

Furrowed Brow

It's been an interesting week.  You may or may not have noticed that I've not posted for a few days.  Too much swirling around my head.

And now The Notebook is on the television.  I could say it's totally down to Rachel McAdam's cuteness, but who am I trying to kid.  It plays to the hopeless romantic side of me, as I totally roll my eyes at myself.  Life is not a Hollywood movie though, even though this particular movie hits all those romantic spots in me.  Dammit.

Hmm, how to describe the week.  Exhausting, that would be it in one.  Caught up with with a heap of friends, including Roma, Jacksonville and Johannesburg.  While still feeling a bit, empty, about it all.  With Casablanca planning on going East, on the positive side, I get my choice of her boots and art.

I've started another photo project, yes another project.  This is one that Jacksonville suggested, one of the hundred day happy things.  I'm up to day six thus far.  Up to this point, I have put in a flower, a screenshot of the Game of Thrones opening credits, the couch at Roma's place, Monet's Parliament House, the Perth skyline, and yummy pavlova.  I'm surprised I haven't put pictures of friends in there as yet, but the things thus far make me happy for so many different reasons.

Work is good.  Out on the floor, away from training.  Which is fantastic.  If I have to deal with more dumb newbie questions, I won't be happy.

Going to go all out with my femme look for a party tomorrow night.  Corset and pretty lingerie and make up and it should be great.  Sometimes I wonder what is going on with that side of me, and then I think I don't need to worry or fret or anything, it will all work out for the best.  Or not.  But there's no reason to worry or fret about it.

Jacksonville says I need to concentrate on the positive side of things in my life, and not to go trying to fill the various holes that there may or may not be.  I can do that, but it - hmm, I don't know where I was going with that, apart from the whole but thing.

Avoid, ignore, distractions, yeah that will work.  How about that World Cup and State of Origin and restaurant haikus and summer blockbuster movies.  Or some such lol.