The Rarest Gift

Warning - Adult Content

Hi team.  This is a continuation of the thought bubble from last week, so if you want to, you can start there, but it should make sense (or as much sense as it is ever going to make) reading either or.

I'm a giver, that's my personality type.  But there are a variety of things I give.

My friendship, to the millions worldwide.

My love, very freely.

My masochism, also very freely.

I will let a lot of my friends do anything to me, and/or those friends get semi regular rundowns of where my head is at (for their sins).

I would even take a bullet for a few of you (you do know who you are, I hope).

But there's one thing, one side of me that over the past few months I've noticed a change in myself with.  I hardly ever show off my weaknesses and vulnerability to anyone anymore.  And I want to.  But I can't.  And it is bugging the hell out of me, that my walls on that side of my life are so high that I hardly even let the people I am closest to in anymore.  You could call it self protection, I guess, or trying not to bore people for the umpteenth time about the trivia, or trying to figure out where a hypothetical relationship could go even before it's started, but it means I'm not letting people in at the moment.

All those years of being told to harden up princess, may have actually hit the mark.  Finally.

Crying is weak.  Needing people is weak.  Or something.  I have basically perfected my 'outgoing, extroverted' persona this year.  One of my besties says that she always enjoys me going around to her place, because I am able to relax one on one, in a private setting, more so than the social butterly slut I usually am.

So yes, my vulnerability is my rarest gift currently.  How to resolve that, to let people in again, that may be a project for 2014 or beyond.  And after a week of thinking about it, I'm pretty sure this is what has me a bit meh lately.

I think it is why I enjoy being a maso sub, in scene, during play, I don't need to hold it all together.

Anyways, just another thought bubble, make of it what you will.  Unsure whether Fet was a good place to put it, but shrugging shoulders here, it's where I chose to put it, so here it goes lol.

December 2013

I need to write.  I'm not sure how this thought bubble slash stream of consciousness will go, and I'm not really sure whether Fet is the best place for it, but Facebook sure as hell isn't.  And I'm on holiday, so better to get it out now than squeezing it in between work, sleep and my social life back home.

I've had a fantastic 2013.  I'm stronger in myself than I have ever been before.  I have developed this take it or leave it attitude, dare we say it, coupled with a sense of self preservation, that I have need had before.  And I am having an absolute ball.  Confidence is the aphrodisiac that the cliche always said it was.

And yet, and yet.

Sometimes I feel like throwing away all this strength, to collapse in a heap, and sulk or flail like I used to in the old days.  Sometimes that could last months, on the smallest slight, rejection or failure.  But I know no one will be there to pick me up, and I will have to do it all myself, so there's no point in even contemplating it.

Yes, I have developed my emotional self preservation massively over the last couple of years.  And I am having a massive amount of fun.  But at the same time, although I am still as friendly and approachable as I have always been, there's a massive part of me at the moment that isn't allowing anyone too close, that is all fun and games but is almost observing myself not to do anything too dumb, for want of a better word.

But I crave that emotional connection even as I do a lot to repel it.  Or to say with my inner voice, well, not right now but we will see in a year or two or five.  It's taking a lot of energy to maintain how I am currently.

I want to be special, in That way, to someone.  And I'm not.

Blah.  I'll back it up there before this turns too 'oh woe is me emo'.  Not that it isn't already.  But, I think I had to start getting it out, before it consumed too much of me, especially over the so called festive season.