Sixty Four

Short skirts, redux.  Not the first redux I think will happen.  Hehehe.

Sixty Three

As the girls wander off to do whatever girls do, am feeling the alcohol start to percolate my brain.  Lovely dinner, lovely restaurant, average bar, and beer is always beer.  Good conversation, good bonding though.  And, they're back lol...

Sixty Two

Hearing Radiohead's Amnesiac at the restaurant.  Mmm, favourite band.

Sixty One

 Socialising with workmates.  Tapas bar first off the rank.  With a bottle of bubbles lol.

Sixty

Flirting with a friend.  One of whom I have not flirted with before.  The feeling of excitement about where this could go.

Fifty Nine

The rush of adrenaline on leaving the office on a Friday afternoon.  Made all the better with the actuality of socialising.

Fifty Eight

Lunch with a friend.  Being happy in her company.  Positive conversation.

Fifty Seven

The realisation that, somewhat counterintuitively, the commute from my suburb to work is quicker via bus than train.

Fifty Six

A friend texting me - the new IKEA catalogue had arrived and she thought of me.  Self assembly required, perhaps?

Fifty Five

The first really difficult one, where I attempt to understand my negativities.  Hopefully we will get to a positive somewhere here, but we will see.

I hate myself.  Automatic Negative Thought that I had this morning.  The trigger was not being able to get through to my best friend on the phone.  The feeling that she didn't want to talk to me.

The hating myself thing comes from the thought that if my bestie is call screening me then obviously no one else wants to talk to me either, and thus I am isolated, alone, and lonely.

And being lonely terrifies me.  I have spent too many years battling that particular demon to want that to continue, especially now I am overall very happy with my niche in life.

So yes hating myself because I feel my friends don't want to talk to me is rooted in my fear of loneliness.

Now, to be positive, the next step is how do we deal with this irrational thought bubble.  Because my friends, especially my bestie, love me, I am valued, and I had already spoken to her twice this morning (sleepily).

She was likely just busy with something else.  Perhaps a conversation with the children.  She loves me, she cares for me,she needs me - she needs the me that doesn't go around automatically self defeating.

I think we got to a positive mindset somewhere in here...

Fifty Four

The bus driver waiting for me.  Rather than closing the door and swooping off.

Fifty Three

Considering taking a picture of a flower and extolling its virtues.  But realising I am not quite 'there' yet in my mood, and thinking to leave it until later when I am in more of a look at the pretty flowers mindset.

Fifty Two

The ability to get a McDonalds sundae at stupid o'clock at night.  Sometimes it just has to be done.

Fifty One

Pork roast.  Wine.  Board games.  Two friends that feel comfortable enough to talk everything and anything with me, and vice versa.  Will have to pay another visit soon, perhaps not on a school night.

Fifty

The self consciousness but inability to stop humming along to I Had The Time Of My Life.  Great song, lousy movie.

With my body and soul I want you more than you'll ever know.

^^This line.  Exactly.

Forty Nine

Grinning widely here.  80s duets now, why did we all think George Michael was straight when he was duetting with Aretha?  Lol.

Music does make me happy, I admit it.  When I was less well than I am now, I used to deliberately avoid music.  I knew it would likely cheer me up, yes even Nine Inch Nails in the right moment.  Those days of avoiding cheering myself up are gone.

OMG.  One of my all time favourite songs now.  Don't Give Up, Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush.  Stepping back from posting to simply - enjoy.

Forty Eight

Live retrospective continuing on MTV.  Selling the Drama awesome, but what the heck is Run to the Water vid all about?  The band is a latter day Avengers, saving the world for water conservation everywhere?

Quizzical eyebrow raised, a grin playing on the lips here.

Forty Seven

 This advertisement on the side of the bus made me curl my lips up into a smile.

Forty Six

Live.  The band I mean.  And probably my favourite song of theirs on MTV at the moment, I Alone.

Forty Five

See entry 43.

Forty Four

Being invited out for dinner, unexpectedly.

Forty Three

Was weighing up a beer in the city versus watching the sun set over one of the beach suburbs.  The beer option won in a canter.

Forty Two

Conversation with a cute girl.  Who was also smiling through most of it.

Forty One

A reminder of some dickheadedness on my part from about six months ago, involving a girl, who was a friend, and boundaries.

Not a positive in and of itself, and brings out the Automatic Negative Thought of me calling myself an idiot loser (or worse), and losing two potentially good friends.  But the Positive comes from the fact that I never want to be in that position again, and, if I work on my positivity as I intend to, I will never find myself in that type of situation again.

Wondering whether I need to come back to this one when I have more time to contemplate...

Forty

Confirming dinner with friends tonight.

Thirty Nine

Being called fantastic and a life saver by the new boss at work.  For basically just doing my job.

Thirty Eight

Short skirts.  Obviously.

Thirty Seven

The crisp, not cold, late winter air.  And blue sky and sunshine as far as the eye can see.

Thirty Six

Being called sexy (in a text) at 7.41 in the morning.  And that LMFAO song has started up in my head.

Thirty Five

 Another architectural gem.  The Ukrainian Catholic church in my suburb, with the moon rising behind.

Thirty Four

A small child's shy smile.

Thirty Three

They have some stunning architecture in this city.  And this is currently a branch of the local version of Starbucks.

Thirty Two

It's the simple things in life sometimes...

Thirty One

A friend, on hearing that I have got the urge to cook again, suggesting a Nigella Lawson cookbook.  As a housewarming gift.

Nigella could write 101 Ways to Boil Water and, as long as there were pictures, it would still be an uber positive in my eyes.

Thirty

James Weeks, Two Musicians 1960

I used to have this print up on my cubicle wall at my last place of employment, a galaxy far far away.  Back in those days, when my cubicle wall filled up with art, I gave the 'old' prints away.  Sharing my love of art with my workmates of the time.

Which is a shame, because I can definitely see this piece, with a nice frame, in my new apartment.  Online shopping I go again, supporting the global economy one poster or print at a time.

Twenty Nine

Volunteering for a charity.  It felt awesome to hit the submit button, and we will see whether I make the grade.  I certainly have the skill sets they require.

Twenty Eight

She bailed on me (Automatic Negative Thought).  With a bit of effort, I have found the positive in it - it is just something that happened, it has nothing to do with me.  She is more than happy to have me in her life, and we will catch up soon.

Edit: she will call in tonight.  Quickly, but am smiling again already.

Twenty Seven

The ultra positive reactions from friends about my interstate visit in a couple of months.

Twenty Six

Making her laugh.  The joy I get when that happens will never grow old.

Twenty Five

The children deciding they prefer my babysitting skills to the alternatives.  Believe it or not, that was a very gratifying piece of news.

Twenty Four

Talking across the other side of the country, to a friend.  She and I have been through a lot together, some good, some not so good, and we almost but not quite got to the point of being more (than friends).  It was complicated.

But nowadays, we are really really good friends, and are really supportive of one another.  Talking to her is always a positive, on whatever topic we end up talking about each time.

Twenty Three

The realisation, as you are walking home and have a bit of a sugar craving, that you have a Cornetto ice cream waiting for you in the freezer.  But for After dinner, not before...

Twenty Two

Not sure whether it is a positive per se, but...

Fifty Shades of Grey, ten copies or so, at the supermarket check out. Next to the chewing gum, chocolate bars and aspirin.  Hoping maybe to get a photo of it later in the week.

'Yes dear, just nipping down to the shop for milk, bread, eggs, and hard core bdsm.'

Twenty One

Shopping. And getting enthused to cook again - Really cook - by seeing all the possible ingredients.

Fresh pasta the choice for the evening, don't mind if I do.

Twenty

A positive about grocery shopping by oneself - being able to spend ten minutes in front of similar products, and actually figuring out the difference between the fifty brands on display.

Nineteen

The flowers I sent made sick friend's day apparently.  That makes me extremely happy.

Eighteen

Low cut tops.  Need I say more.

Seventeen

Referencing Asimov and his Three Laws of Robotics in conversation.  Her allowing me to put her name on the card with the flowers.

Sixteen

The latest picture from Mars.  Space exploration, and what we are doing in the solar system, is a huge passion of mine.

Fifteen

Sending flowers to a friend in hospital.  The anticipation of what the reaction will be.  The pure sense of love and care I have for all my friends when I know they are in painful or difficult situations.

My generosity of spirit at moments like this.  One of my best traits.

Fourteen

She misses me and loves me still. She doesn't want me to stop being part of her life,or stop talking to her, or stop visiting.  She does need me to be less negative, especially around her.

Lost in contemplation there for a minute or five.  Thinking of the bond she and I have, still, even with all that has happened the last eighteen months.

Thirteen

Last night's dinner 'date' texting me after, saying she was de-stressed, relaxed and happy after our catch up. And she thanked me for a lovely evening.

Twelve

Dinner with a great friend.  Lazy couple of wines. Sticky date pudding always a winner.

Eleven

Ballet tickets for next month, for the win.  My favourite performing art.

Ten

Saying hello on the footpath to the old lady taking her groceries home.  The woman in the car waving me to pass as she was heading out of her driveway.  On a bit of a different level, the girl going to the fast food chain restaurant in her pyjamas.

Oh, and forcing myself to smile on the Monday morning commute.

Nine

A friend messaging me this early in the day to organise a lunch mid-week.  That type of organisation has, to this point, almost entirely been one way, with almost all my friends.  To get organised back in return, is a bit of a squee moment.

Eight

Feeling the bruises start to come to the fore, from the (consensual) beating on Friday night.

Seven

Her sleepy early morning voice.  Which she still allows me to hear, the wake up call routine which we have continued for almost eighteen months now.  I was called predictable the other day about these calls - I prefer the term reliable, but I will not get overly worried about it.  She did call me the most reliable man in her life a couple of weeks ago.  I glowed on hearing that.

I still miss sharing the morning coffee though.  But, Keep It Positive.

Six

The child, chatting away almost as soon as I got in the door, almost as if I had never been away.  Remembering details of projects I had three quarters forgotten, and suggesting we play two different board games almost as quick as two seperate thought bubbles.

Sticking around me, cracking jokes at the TV shows and movies almost as much as I was.  Asking if I wanted a Coke, and then delivering without fuss.

It meant a lot, to reconnect in that way.

Five

Being allowed in the bedroom.  Being allowed on the bed.  When I first got 'here', even on the holidays before I moved, if I was on or around that bed, nothing else mattered.  The relationship never exactly flowed that way, but still, curled up like a cat at the base of the bed, while she read the paper or typed on the computer, always always emotionally refreshed me.

Today, it was sitting next to her as she ordered pizza for dinner, but still, it was the bedroom, it was the bed.  Seeing my photo and my artwork still on her dresser.  Everything was still as broken as it was before I wandered in, but I was centred in a way I rarely feel.

Four

Edvard Munch, Vampyr 1895

This arrived in print form for me today.  I will frame it in the not too distant future, and then hang it in my apartment.  As my first 'piece'.

Three

Sitting in the car with her, being told a few home truths.  Being told to live the moment.  Asking to put my hand in hers, with her permission.  Living that moment, holding and caressing her hand.  Her suggesting I change my way of thinking 270 degrees - and me, clumsily, awkwardly, attempting to.  While holding her hand.

After that awkward a conversation, immediately making her laugh the very next minute.

Two

Her hug.  The feel of her hand in mine.  Lunch - her choice, the steak sandwich; my choice, the chorizo pasta.  Even though there were tears in the discussion after, they came from a good place (I think).

Coming back from the edge of the precipice in the time after that.

One

The sunshine, and the sausage sizzle in the supermarket carpark.  It was worthwhile going outside for, no matter what the rest of the day was about to throw at me.

The Reason

This weekend has been one of the roughest I have had in a long time.  My best friend, who, incidentally, was one of the people I pissed off, said - among many other things - that I need to cherish each moment.

So, this blog is an attempt to do that.  To note down all the positives that happen, all the little things, all the big things, as many as I can remember from each day.  And, perhaps maybe perhaps, a few from my past as well.  Some of the photos of Paris, for example.

Anyways, that is the reasoning behind this blog.  This will not fade away as my other blogs have done.