Stream of Consciousness

Yeah yeah, I couldn't come up with a witty song lyric to cover this post.

It has been a tough week.  Sunday was what Sunday was, Monday I was still annoyed at that, Tuesday Mistress had that discussion with me, Thursday I was wiped and went to bed early, Friday was out without The Bosses, and yesterday was recovering the energy from Friday night.  So Wednesday was the only evening I felt somewhat not wiped or overwhelmed or away from the house, and all I can remember of that night was doing the dishes with a grin on my face.

And I feel that everything I have said to Mistress this week has come out wrong.  I said this morning, as she worried about money again, that I could transfer my entire pay cheque to her, and she replied don't be stupid.  I said yesterday that it had felt like we hadn't had much quality 'us' time the past week (see the schedule above), and she came back with yeah, get used to it.  Meaning the whole secondary to Sir thing, but that isn't what I was driving at.  With the usual scraps of time that she and I have, there was even less quality than usual to it.  And on Friday I think it was, I had forgotten Dishwashing Rules 101, and came back with 'I am absorbing work stuff as well'.  Mistress replied, yeah, and?  I should have said I had forgotten things, rather than be defensive and bring work into it, but it is the first time in my life that I have worked, I have had a full house at home, and all.  It is a HUGE learning curve.

Maybe it is her INTJness, but just, I dunno, I can't say or do anything right this week.

I am feeling more like a flatmate or 'just a friend' than anything else at the moment.  I feel unwanted, in the relationship sense, which I could maybe perhaps deal with (swallow my needs to be a good sub and secondary), but to feel unneeded as well.  At the same time, I'm not going to leave here ever, until she specifically Orders me away, so even when I am feeling low, I'm not going anywhere.  That's not quite Catch 22, is it?

To extrapolate the feeling unnecessary, I am throwing myself into this with no concern for myself, and helping out more with a job, than without, but it seems Mistress' stress levels aren't diminishing any.  If anything, she is getting more stressed.  And purely from a selfish point of view, it has been AGES since she beat me.  September 8 to be precise.  Having her hold my hand while getting needles in the back or dropping me off at a kink party, all well and good, but it's not the same as actually having her cause the welts herself, or placing the collar around my neck.  Much as I love the other friends I am making over here, they all have their own lives and guys and girls that are their primaries - or at least, primaries for the night - and without Mistress or Sir around on Friday night, I had a slightly empty feeling in my stomach about things, for probably at least half of the evening.

And from the week that has been, the reaction to me unhappy from Sir will be yeah, and?  Get over it champ, or suchlike.  And from Mistress, it could very well be more of the same, either along the lines of Sir, or along the lines of what she has said to me the last few days.

I don't think I ask for an awful lot around here.  And I think I hold it together fairly well.  I haven't dissolved into tears for no apparent reason for ages.  I don't overstep the bounds of this very vaguely defined primary/secondary scenario, at least to my knowledge.  I do my best to evidence base my issues, rather than go ranty whingey automatically.  Even though I still think the other two still have a bit of a way to go to recognise my efforts in that sphere, I think they think I am still auto whinge when those type of things arise.

I am doing my best.  Five hundred fucking percent worth.  And I don't feel wanted, nor especially needed.