Blind Terror

What's the phrase?  Count to ten if you are going to post angry?  Meh, I am past angry about what happened, but am just wondering whether I should post, even after counting to about two thousand by now.

So yes, not angry.  Maybe still in a bit of shock, but not angry.

So yes, the evening was going along okayish, along the lines of the last post.  I was distracted feeling what I was feeling at the moment, but managed to make a sweet pie (for dessert) and dinner.  Dinner okay, but lost in my own thoughts, Mistress and Sir and I were going to talk about my issues with self esteem and self worth after the kids went to bed.

Then Sir had an issue with the bin.  The bag inside wasn't tied on correctly.  Of course, I was the one who did it, and to be honest I get frustrated at how finicky he is about the bin bags.  Nothing can show on the outside, and there can't be big gaps on the inside.  It is hard enough to get the setting correctly on the outside of the bin, and I mistakenly left too much of the inside bin showing.  I did the sigh of frustration thing, and I think things just escalated from there.

Sir said to come over to him.  I took off my glasses.  He said to stand outside for twenty minutes, he didn't want to see me for that time.  As I was leaving the kitchen, he added not to stomp, otherwise we would have another conversation about that.  As I was opening the door I shouted over my shoulder that I thought we were already going to have a conversation tonight.  Sir was not pleased, and stormed down the hallway towards me.  My fight or flight instinct kicked in, and I didn't run away, but neither was I going to fight.  I just stood waiting for the storm to hit.

He grabbed me by the throat, pushing me down the back steps, and then put his other hand around the back of my throat for a split second.  I truly truly thought I was going to get thrown across the back yard, fully paved as it is, and suffer whatever injuries that would entail.  I admit, I was shrieking like a little girl at this stage.  He was looming over me, saying have I touched you yet, have I hit you.  Mistress had come out and took my glasses and phone away from me - still worried about those glasses.  I managed to eventually say yes you have touched me, you have hit me, by strangling me around the throat.

He eventually let go of me and said go out to the back room in the garage.  Where there is absolutely nothing to do.  Lay down on the floor and counted to the aforementioned two thousand, listening to the sounds of the household across the backyard.  When I thought I hadn't heard the kids for a while - yes, the kids were up - I went back in.

Mistress gave me my phone and my glasses, and said Sir doesn't want to see you or hear you for the rest of the night.  I said but I am depressed and was hoping to talk whatever is going on with me out.  I heard Sir around the corner say didn't I make my instructions very specific.  Mistress said we won't talk about stuff when you are in this state, and I collapsed in on myself, fell down the side of the wall.  Mistress whispered harshly, not in front of my children!  I had reasonable situational awareness and knew that the kids weren't in viewing range of me, and I hadn't even made a squeak at that point.

So I went back out to the garage.  After Mistress started doing the countdown that she does with the kids when she is uber angry at them.  And discovered that my phone was flat.  I swallowed what courage I had left and went back in.  To get my phone charger.  Which was in sight of Sir.  Both he and Mistress were amazed to see me, and not in the good way.  I explained myself, in about three words.

Sir said collect your things, collect your phone charger, and your computer and go back into the back room.  Don't say a word.  We will decide when we next want to see you.  I opened my mouth and got the 'don't even' glare.  I was only going to ask would it be tonight or what.  When I heard the phrase 'collect your things' I was certain the next phrase was going to be 'you are out of here'.  And my stomach went to jelly at the mere possibility.

Will it be two minutes, will it be two days.  Awaiting execution.  When I wasn't in the best frame of mind to begin with before all of tonight's stuff.  I am doing my best, but it obviously isn't best enough.

Stream of Consciousness

Yeah yeah, I couldn't come up with a witty song lyric to cover this post.

It has been a tough week.  Sunday was what Sunday was, Monday I was still annoyed at that, Tuesday Mistress had that discussion with me, Thursday I was wiped and went to bed early, Friday was out without The Bosses, and yesterday was recovering the energy from Friday night.  So Wednesday was the only evening I felt somewhat not wiped or overwhelmed or away from the house, and all I can remember of that night was doing the dishes with a grin on my face.

And I feel that everything I have said to Mistress this week has come out wrong.  I said this morning, as she worried about money again, that I could transfer my entire pay cheque to her, and she replied don't be stupid.  I said yesterday that it had felt like we hadn't had much quality 'us' time the past week (see the schedule above), and she came back with yeah, get used to it.  Meaning the whole secondary to Sir thing, but that isn't what I was driving at.  With the usual scraps of time that she and I have, there was even less quality than usual to it.  And on Friday I think it was, I had forgotten Dishwashing Rules 101, and came back with 'I am absorbing work stuff as well'.  Mistress replied, yeah, and?  I should have said I had forgotten things, rather than be defensive and bring work into it, but it is the first time in my life that I have worked, I have had a full house at home, and all.  It is a HUGE learning curve.

Maybe it is her INTJness, but just, I dunno, I can't say or do anything right this week.

I am feeling more like a flatmate or 'just a friend' than anything else at the moment.  I feel unwanted, in the relationship sense, which I could maybe perhaps deal with (swallow my needs to be a good sub and secondary), but to feel unneeded as well.  At the same time, I'm not going to leave here ever, until she specifically Orders me away, so even when I am feeling low, I'm not going anywhere.  That's not quite Catch 22, is it?

To extrapolate the feeling unnecessary, I am throwing myself into this with no concern for myself, and helping out more with a job, than without, but it seems Mistress' stress levels aren't diminishing any.  If anything, she is getting more stressed.  And purely from a selfish point of view, it has been AGES since she beat me.  September 8 to be precise.  Having her hold my hand while getting needles in the back or dropping me off at a kink party, all well and good, but it's not the same as actually having her cause the welts herself, or placing the collar around my neck.  Much as I love the other friends I am making over here, they all have their own lives and guys and girls that are their primaries - or at least, primaries for the night - and without Mistress or Sir around on Friday night, I had a slightly empty feeling in my stomach about things, for probably at least half of the evening.

And from the week that has been, the reaction to me unhappy from Sir will be yeah, and?  Get over it champ, or suchlike.  And from Mistress, it could very well be more of the same, either along the lines of Sir, or along the lines of what she has said to me the last few days.

I don't think I ask for an awful lot around here.  And I think I hold it together fairly well.  I haven't dissolved into tears for no apparent reason for ages.  I don't overstep the bounds of this very vaguely defined primary/secondary scenario, at least to my knowledge.  I do my best to evidence base my issues, rather than go ranty whingey automatically.  Even though I still think the other two still have a bit of a way to go to recognise my efforts in that sphere, I think they think I am still auto whinge when those type of things arise.

I am doing my best.  Five hundred fucking percent worth.  And I don't feel wanted, nor especially needed.

...from Transexual, Transylvania

For some reason I suddenly had an aversion to the word 'transvestite' in the blog title.  As in, the full thought bubble was 'Sweet Transvestite from Transexual, Transylvania' from Rocky Horror Picture Show.  And that would have been too long a blog title anyways.  And the other option 'Fishnets', isn't a song title or lyric.  I like trying to link a song lyric to each day, gives it a bit of a challenge.  Or something.  I am sometimes strange like that.

Anyways, it occurred to me last night that the word 'transvestite' may apply to me.  And, although it didn't hit me like a brick wall, it did make me uncomfortably gulp.  Going by wiki, transvestitism is just a fancy phrase for cross-dressing.  I was going to wear pants and shoes - if I couldn't fit into Mistress' boots.  The second option was that if I could fit into Mistress' boots, I would wear my jeans.  Third option was, since I could fit into Mistress' boots, that the jeans wouldn't look good with them, so I tried on one of her skirts, which did fit.  And then, rather than shave my legs or anything that drastic - shaving my armpits seems drastic enough most days -  that we would put on fishnets to camouflage the leg hair.

And as easy as that, I was gone from just corset, to full on feminity.  I even asked Mistress to put lippy on me.  And I was squee about it, and had got my enthusiasm for the night going on and all.  Enthusiasm levels were very much up and down for the week up to that point.  I was squee basically as soon as I realised I could fit into the boots, and just the degrees of squee went up from there.  It brings on a strange, but nice, type of light headedness.  Not anywhere near subspace - I didn't get anywhere near that all night, for soon to be obvious reasons - but nice all the same.

Good new mate of mine had suggested going out, and Mistress had backed that up by 'saying' I should go out.  However, the children were home, so she couldn't come out herself, and, just in case one of the kids sleptwalked into me getting changed, the whole dress up thing happened out in the garage.  So changed, lippy put on, was glowing, and asked Mistress if she could put the collar on.  She said no, the collar will not be put on, because she wouldn't be there.  I could see her logic, but at the same time, there was a minor sense of disappointment.  Even if she wasn't there, the collar would indicate, in my mind at least, that I was spoken for.  But her decision, and I will always abide by those.

She drove me to the club and dropped me off.  On the way, I had said to her that it is just amazing how supportive she is of me and these little side adventures, as I will call them.  She said honey, it's too fun doing all this not to be supportive of you.  I'm much more a social animal than she is, kinda unfortunately.  I mean, I love being around her, and I love having quiet, quality time with her, but when she basically orders me to go out, then I can't very well say no.  And I do need to build the friendships up in this new city, beyond just Sir and Mistress.

That sounded sensible, didn't it?

So yes, dressed up to the nines, as a chick, and instead of the back entrance to this club being open, as it usually is, it was all through the front last night.  The two kink communities of this club had joined together for one night, so instead of half the place being vanilla and half being kink, the whole place was taken over by 'freaks like us' as I said to Mistress as she said goodbye.  It wouldn't have been so bad, except just as I was getting out of the car, a fire crew got out of their truck, to do some safety check.  Mistress had asked whether I would feel comfortable in women's clothing out on the streets, and, with my woolen coat on, it was okay most of the time, but, just walking past the firies, I got a flash of self consciousness.  Just a slight one, but still.

Got into club.  Took ten minutes to track down 'New Best Friend', and proceeded to just drink soft drinks, as I needed to stay sober, cos being drunk and forgetting myself and still being in the corset when children woke up at home this morning would have just been the ultimate fail.  Mistress would likely have hung, drawn and quartered me.  And not in a painslut way that I would like.  And then likely followed by exile or something.  So soft drinks and soberness it would be.  I had an idea that I would end up blissy enough not to really need additional drugs in my system, legal or otherwise.

I then dropped my coat off at the cloakroom, and bumped into another good friend.  Who basically was only wearing a tutu, panties and shoes, and Disney character stickers over her nipples.  Seriously, I didn't know where to look hahaha.  And for 99% of the time that I bumped into her during the night, I was very careful of where I touched or kissed or whatever.  Whereas most other people just went for gold.  As Mistress has said in the past, I have no instinct to seal the deal.  I make friends with hot females far too easily.  And this mate is hella young anyways.

New Best Friend tightened up my corset, to the point where it was difficult to breathe deeply (bliss!), and said that I needed to get a wig to complete the outfit.  She loves playing with makeup, so hopefully maybe possibly I can get tips from her - for some reason, I am nervous of talking to Mistress about make up.  Maybe because cross dressing isn't really one of Mistress' things.  And New Best Friend wants to go out with me and help me get my first piercing next weekend.  When I mentioned it to Mistress this morning, she nixed the ears getting pierced, but anywhere else is apparently fine.  Hmm, as I grin as to thinking about other options.

Bumped into a couple of newbies - as in newbie to me, not newbie to Teh Scene - and there were enough of the Old Familiars to shuttle between so I didn't take up too much time of any one person.  However, without Mistress, or even Sir there, there were portions of the time that I felt very adrift, wondering which group to wander to next.  As much as I anchor them at home, The Bosses anchor me when we are out and about.  And as I mentioned out loud once or twice, while scratching my neck, something is not quite right here - a la, the missing collar lol.

Wandered in and saw a couple of people getting flogged on crosses and such, New Best Friend said that one of the girls on the cross, who was three quarters naked at that stage and getting her breasts beaten, worked at the same shopping centre she does.  Which would be a funny conversation on her lunch break next working day lol.  And the bass on the dancefloor was really getting to me, in the awesome way.  Need to find out which of my mates Here and who go to those things like to dance.  Question though, why does every kink club seem to play an excruciating amount of Rob Zombie and Marilyn Manson LOL.

Plenty of cute girls not wearing all that much, plenty of mates around to talk to, but something was missing.  Someone was missing.  New Best Friend said it best when I said I have two bosses, she came back with that may be the case, but you are Mistress' bitch.  Works for me hahaha.  I said to Girl With Disney Characters On Her Breasts that I was feeling like going, and she said no, don't go, as she hugged quite intensely into me.  That convinced me to stay for another wee while.

Oh, also Girl Who Had Her Tongue Down My Throat A Dozen Times Two Weeks Ago was there, but she had other fish to fry - or rather, guys to tease.  I got a couple of hugs, and a couple of nuzzles along my shoulder and neck as she was passing, but no throat action last night.  She is fun, and cute, but I don't think it will actually get anywhere.  Beyond teasing me.

At the same time as Mistress being missing from the evening, at the same time, and in direct dichotomy, it is a useful mental backstop that I have someone to go home to - in the secondary sense - and don't have to get all tongue tied trying to pick up or anything, and failing miserably.  One of the girls, I said a particularly bad line to, and her mate, who knows me as well, said do you get very far with lines like that.  Both girls know my home situation, so it quickly became a joke, rather than anything serious.  And 'lines' have never been my strong point in the first place.

I decided to leave for good this time, Disney Character Girl was in the middle of something and was subspacing out massively, so she couldn't distract me with her boobs again to make me stay.  Said goodbye to the crowd, New Best Friend hugged me and then brought her claws, I mean, fingernails out .  Basically cut my back to shreds, and I dissolved into a bliss out.  Went back for two more hugs, and more fingernail action, before I finally was able to get some semblance of willpower and break away.  I could have stayed there for a lot longer, but, I needed to get home.

She said she knows what I like - not sure whether that is a good thing or not - and also the way I reacted, she also said she realised part of the reason Mistress loves me so much.  I obviously look cute when I dissolve, or something.

Then went into a hug with Guy Who Doesn't Mind Hug Action, and basically got gored on the spikes on his collar.  His neck is basically like a prison camp with all the spikey protection he has going on.  Reminded me of my lack of a collar, and the fact that Mistress wasn't there, and made me kinda homesick in a way.  Even though home was only a twenty minute drive away.  If that doesn't sound too sappy. 

Got my coat, and there was a taxi waiting at the door when I left the club.  Got home, stone cold sober, went into the garage and changed into 'normal, we aren't going to scare the kids' clothes, and then came into the house and padded to my room.  Took me about forty five minutes to come down enough from the blissy buzz to start to doze.  I think the blissyness ramped up with the whole tight, tight corset thing.  It feels lovely against my ribs hehehe, and the whole difficulty breathing thing, well, breathing deeply thing, mmmm.

A couple of weird dreams this morning.  Had this vision that I had broken one of the metal 'buttons' on the corset, for which I was devastated.  Wandering through kink or sex websites with a female mate, no one that I could identify in real life though.  And the last snippet was having a job interview, and just as I was about to sign for this fantastic job, the manager bringing out what they had found out about my online life.  Including the kink side, and how they couldn't offer me the role with those revelations.  I was spluttering about invasion of privacy and all that, and then the dream faded.

Am pretty well exhausted today, but will try to make an effort to find a second wind.  Mistress loved hearing my tales of last night when I went in and gave her the morning coffee.  Which is always a win.