It happened. My grandfather died yesterday at 3.35am New Zealand time. Peacefully, or so it has been reported to me. Not peaceful for those around him though - my grandmother, mother and eldest uncle on that side of the family had been awake for 48 hours straight, caring for him, comforting him.
Although how much was getting through I don't know. For the last few days, he didn't get out of bed, he didn't speak, he didn't eat and hardly drank any water. From reports, the last time he communicated was a few days ago, when he had apparently gotten agitated, not being able to get rid of phlegm from his throat, and communicated his displeasure somehow.
After that, the pain meds were upped, and the nurses advised the family just to make sure my grandfather was on his side all the time, rather than on his back. To shift him over side to side once every five hours. And that sounds to have been the routine of things the last couple of days of his life, without the eating, drinking or talking.
When I heard the mobile SMS beep from my parents' room at about 2.20am Aussie Eastern Time, I knew that couldn't be good. Was half expecting a knock at the door from my father to tell the news, but it didn't happen, and I drifted back to sleep.
There had actually had a few moments over the past few days where it suddenly felt like I no longer had a grandfather - the wake up in the middle of the night with a cold certainty of fear around your heart thing - but apart from that SMS, my spidey senses were off this time around.
Waking up in the morning, I had my shower and all the freshening up routine before heading downstairs - usually on the weekend, I just scrubber it until at least midday, but I was putting off bad news until the last possible moment. I have previous form for procrastination, though that won't surprise long term readers. As well as, I dunno, look my best or something like that.
After getting the news, the next hour or so was quite unproductive. The whole start something, think of something else, start the new thing, repeat repeat repeat cycle. Ended up finding myself playing shoot em up games on the XBox - yes, Virginia Tech is far enough in the past for me to play first person shooters again.
Then went down to Chermside shopping. Got a dozen prints of the one pic of my grandfather - from when I was on holiday over there in February, my grandmother liked the shot, will be handing copies out to relatives, and it will be the front page of the service leaflet. I feel a bit honoured even, that my picture was good enough to get picked, but am not thinking too deeply about it because that will bring the emotions. Damned emotions.
On getting to and navigating around the shopping centre for the first hour or so, it was as if I couldn't breathe deeply enough, that I felt all wrong just doing the normal weekend window shopping thing when over the ditch my mother would already have been in deep mourning. But after a while, the feeling of breathlessness went - still couldn't concentrate on anything to even think about making a purchase, but the general stress levels abated.
Even got to see a movie. My thinking was that we would get the movie of the week out of the way as quickly as possible, and as long as it isn't one that I was wanting to see, that actual real life emotions could possibly ruin the experience, then if it was bad and/or my brain could function at the same level as popcorn, then things would be generally okay. Thank god I didn't wait until this week to see Reign Over Me. Even Shooter I gave a miss, in case it was too brainy or likeable.
Sunshine was a good choice to see in the circumstances. All those cabin fever isolation nutbag computer sci fi movies you have ever seen, well be glad you saw them instead because this one tried to take them all together and rock the genre, but it didn't. If you have enough time during the actual movie to think about plot holes, well, then the movie was bad in the first place. That suspension of disbelief or throw more action at it and the audience will be confused should last at least an hour after you leave the cinemas.
Got home and made the flight bookings for four different family members, with four different itineraries. 1 x Brisbane to Auckland, return 23 Apr to 25 Apr, 1 x Brisbane to Auckland, return 23 Apr to 1 May, 1 x Brisbane to Auckland, one way 23 Apr, 1 x Auckland to Brisbane, one way 1 May. Having to make four different bookings, being made to feel that booking flights online is a spectator sport, along with all the general stress of the day, I was getting snappy, I'm afraid to say.
Added to which, telling Vicki that she didn't need to come was the hardest thing I have done in a while. Probably since the last time I messed up in that sphere of things, eighteen months ago or so? She has met the grandparents, so there is an actual personal angle in there as well. She wanted to come, but I couldn't make a decision yesterday, added to that I had been putting off decisions on funeral arrangements the last couple of months, until 'stuff happened', and, when it came to the crunch, I said no. I could add any number of self justifications here, but I won't. We will get back to that in future I am sure, but not just right at the minute.
Today is feeling very bland thus far, before the emotional firestorm that will be the next three days. I am thinking of drafting something up to say at the funeral, but whether I get around to saying it or not is the question.
Wish me luck.
Although how much was getting through I don't know. For the last few days, he didn't get out of bed, he didn't speak, he didn't eat and hardly drank any water. From reports, the last time he communicated was a few days ago, when he had apparently gotten agitated, not being able to get rid of phlegm from his throat, and communicated his displeasure somehow.
After that, the pain meds were upped, and the nurses advised the family just to make sure my grandfather was on his side all the time, rather than on his back. To shift him over side to side once every five hours. And that sounds to have been the routine of things the last couple of days of his life, without the eating, drinking or talking.
When I heard the mobile SMS beep from my parents' room at about 2.20am Aussie Eastern Time, I knew that couldn't be good. Was half expecting a knock at the door from my father to tell the news, but it didn't happen, and I drifted back to sleep.
There had actually had a few moments over the past few days where it suddenly felt like I no longer had a grandfather - the wake up in the middle of the night with a cold certainty of fear around your heart thing - but apart from that SMS, my spidey senses were off this time around.
Waking up in the morning, I had my shower and all the freshening up routine before heading downstairs - usually on the weekend, I just scrubber it until at least midday, but I was putting off bad news until the last possible moment. I have previous form for procrastination, though that won't surprise long term readers. As well as, I dunno, look my best or something like that.
After getting the news, the next hour or so was quite unproductive. The whole start something, think of something else, start the new thing, repeat repeat repeat cycle. Ended up finding myself playing shoot em up games on the XBox - yes, Virginia Tech is far enough in the past for me to play first person shooters again.
Then went down to Chermside shopping. Got a dozen prints of the one pic of my grandfather - from when I was on holiday over there in February, my grandmother liked the shot, will be handing copies out to relatives, and it will be the front page of the service leaflet. I feel a bit honoured even, that my picture was good enough to get picked, but am not thinking too deeply about it because that will bring the emotions. Damned emotions.
On getting to and navigating around the shopping centre for the first hour or so, it was as if I couldn't breathe deeply enough, that I felt all wrong just doing the normal weekend window shopping thing when over the ditch my mother would already have been in deep mourning. But after a while, the feeling of breathlessness went - still couldn't concentrate on anything to even think about making a purchase, but the general stress levels abated.
Even got to see a movie. My thinking was that we would get the movie of the week out of the way as quickly as possible, and as long as it isn't one that I was wanting to see, that actual real life emotions could possibly ruin the experience, then if it was bad and/or my brain could function at the same level as popcorn, then things would be generally okay. Thank god I didn't wait until this week to see Reign Over Me. Even Shooter I gave a miss, in case it was too brainy or likeable.
Sunshine was a good choice to see in the circumstances. All those cabin fever isolation nutbag computer sci fi movies you have ever seen, well be glad you saw them instead because this one tried to take them all together and rock the genre, but it didn't. If you have enough time during the actual movie to think about plot holes, well, then the movie was bad in the first place. That suspension of disbelief or throw more action at it and the audience will be confused should last at least an hour after you leave the cinemas.
Got home and made the flight bookings for four different family members, with four different itineraries. 1 x Brisbane to Auckland, return 23 Apr to 25 Apr, 1 x Brisbane to Auckland, return 23 Apr to 1 May, 1 x Brisbane to Auckland, one way 23 Apr, 1 x Auckland to Brisbane, one way 1 May. Having to make four different bookings, being made to feel that booking flights online is a spectator sport, along with all the general stress of the day, I was getting snappy, I'm afraid to say.
Added to which, telling Vicki that she didn't need to come was the hardest thing I have done in a while. Probably since the last time I messed up in that sphere of things, eighteen months ago or so? She has met the grandparents, so there is an actual personal angle in there as well. She wanted to come, but I couldn't make a decision yesterday, added to that I had been putting off decisions on funeral arrangements the last couple of months, until 'stuff happened', and, when it came to the crunch, I said no. I could add any number of self justifications here, but I won't. We will get back to that in future I am sure, but not just right at the minute.
Today is feeling very bland thus far, before the emotional firestorm that will be the next three days. I am thinking of drafting something up to say at the funeral, but whether I get around to saying it or not is the question.
Wish me luck.
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