Or nearing it at least - the end is in sight for my stupid damned debt. Take on a personal loan with credit cards and jump into the unknown of another country for a relationship, I think I have learnt my lesson from that one - of course, the loan was taken about eighteen months or two years before the Canadian experience, but still, it was more lack of job that got me in trouble.
Anyways, with the latest payment, I am at least four pays to go on repaying it all. Considering I am paid fortnightly, and taking into consideration the likelihood of travel to Tasmania and probably New Zealand, even taking that into consideration, I would see myself as debt free by sometime in February. About two years after I started this whole take responsibility and front up kick, and about four years after my give up my job and see where the chips will fall plan. And that worked so well as well - kidding.
So while I was doing the internal happy dance with that realisation, I thought about AFTER repayment. I have been so focussed, with probable obsessive compulsive traits, about this money I have to repay that all of what happens after has been shoved into the little box in my head marked 'Future Thoughts', and been stuffed until it is overflowing - not that I have looked at it in about two years of course.
I thought about flicking the lid to that box this week, just to have a look see what is there, prioritise it and all, just brushed against it even (stay with the metaphors with me please LOL), and it sprung up at me hard. Relationships - pretty obvious really; places to live - when to move out of the family home, whether Brisbane or elsewhere; work - whether to stick it out for a while longer where I am, saving money to make a move somewhere, or whether to take a leap into a more fulfilling job - those were just thee first three issues to jump out at me.
Well, first three issues after the big one of course - the fact that I do not like myself. I wouldn't class it as self hatred at the moment, but just a case of lack of loving or liking myself. And I have to work on that - preferably with professional help perhaps? Maybe it's not as if a shrink can help me like myself or anything, but thinking along those lines more so that I want to give myself the best chance of not screwing up the next relationship I have.
I mean, after I pay the debt off, I could somewhat easily throw myself into a relationship and all that entails, but if I don't do my best to get my head straight, then it will probably be doomed to failure like the last one. I kind of got talked into that one I think, if you know what I mean - I was wanting to be self sufficient coming into the relationship, financially at least, or at least pay more of my own way, but I got talked into bringing my plans forward a year or two.
Long distance relationships suck in so many different ways.
And I want to get my head straight before throwing myself into another situation. Of course, this could just be the procrastinating side of my head working out a new strategy after the 'wait until the money is paid back' defence stops working, but hmm, I would rather have the procrastinating side of me in control rather than the self sabotaging one. Self sabotage because that part of me doesn't feel I should ever be happy, so works to make sure that will never happen.
Hmm, this has been a constant thread of my self analysis ever since I can remember - that my brain is divided into different camps of thought. When I went through my teenage depression, I even thought of my brain as a little parliament or congress, with factions aligning differently every so often to create a 'working majority' in my head. Is that strange to think that way, because I sure as heck think it is.
And I think too much about certain things (the workings of my brain, American politics, Iraq for examples) and don't think much about others (my grandfather's illness). V says I stick my head in the sand, but I just think of different stuff, usually that I can't change myself - therefore self sabotaging my importance in the world? If I think about stuff that I can't change, then I will automatically fail? Or perhaps it is the opposite, and I can't fail with things I can't affect.
Okay, my head is spinning enough with all this inward thought, this is not, repeat not, one of the entertaining entries.
Paul
Anyways, with the latest payment, I am at least four pays to go on repaying it all. Considering I am paid fortnightly, and taking into consideration the likelihood of travel to Tasmania and probably New Zealand, even taking that into consideration, I would see myself as debt free by sometime in February. About two years after I started this whole take responsibility and front up kick, and about four years after my give up my job and see where the chips will fall plan. And that worked so well as well - kidding.
So while I was doing the internal happy dance with that realisation, I thought about AFTER repayment. I have been so focussed, with probable obsessive compulsive traits, about this money I have to repay that all of what happens after has been shoved into the little box in my head marked 'Future Thoughts', and been stuffed until it is overflowing - not that I have looked at it in about two years of course.
I thought about flicking the lid to that box this week, just to have a look see what is there, prioritise it and all, just brushed against it even (stay with the metaphors with me please LOL), and it sprung up at me hard. Relationships - pretty obvious really; places to live - when to move out of the family home, whether Brisbane or elsewhere; work - whether to stick it out for a while longer where I am, saving money to make a move somewhere, or whether to take a leap into a more fulfilling job - those were just thee first three issues to jump out at me.
Well, first three issues after the big one of course - the fact that I do not like myself. I wouldn't class it as self hatred at the moment, but just a case of lack of loving or liking myself. And I have to work on that - preferably with professional help perhaps? Maybe it's not as if a shrink can help me like myself or anything, but thinking along those lines more so that I want to give myself the best chance of not screwing up the next relationship I have.
I mean, after I pay the debt off, I could somewhat easily throw myself into a relationship and all that entails, but if I don't do my best to get my head straight, then it will probably be doomed to failure like the last one. I kind of got talked into that one I think, if you know what I mean - I was wanting to be self sufficient coming into the relationship, financially at least, or at least pay more of my own way, but I got talked into bringing my plans forward a year or two.
Long distance relationships suck in so many different ways.
And I want to get my head straight before throwing myself into another situation. Of course, this could just be the procrastinating side of my head working out a new strategy after the 'wait until the money is paid back' defence stops working, but hmm, I would rather have the procrastinating side of me in control rather than the self sabotaging one. Self sabotage because that part of me doesn't feel I should ever be happy, so works to make sure that will never happen.
Hmm, this has been a constant thread of my self analysis ever since I can remember - that my brain is divided into different camps of thought. When I went through my teenage depression, I even thought of my brain as a little parliament or congress, with factions aligning differently every so often to create a 'working majority' in my head. Is that strange to think that way, because I sure as heck think it is.
And I think too much about certain things (the workings of my brain, American politics, Iraq for examples) and don't think much about others (my grandfather's illness). V says I stick my head in the sand, but I just think of different stuff, usually that I can't change myself - therefore self sabotaging my importance in the world? If I think about stuff that I can't change, then I will automatically fail? Or perhaps it is the opposite, and I can't fail with things I can't affect.
Okay, my head is spinning enough with all this inward thought, this is not, repeat not, one of the entertaining entries.
Paul
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