Mild, Moderate, High

Finish the above - mild depression, moderate stress, high anxiety. The two referrals I was wanting when I was thinking about things last night, to both a neurologist and a psychologist. And, the most amazing thing, a doctor that I felt was actually listening to me, rather than the usual let's check your blood pressure and medicate you up that I have felt with the doctors I have dealt with the last couple of years. A keeper perhaps?

So, part B of things looks like it is already mapping itself out, if you consider part A the money thing.

Paul

Medical Advice

Hmm, I'm not usually woozy this long after a seizure. Usually when I have one, it hits and then goes and nothing else happens for six to twelve months. This one, I had last Wednesday, had my usual dizziness the day afterward, but then Friday and the weekend I was fine.

However, this week I went into work as per normal on Monday - did the not on the phones thing, still a bit nervous about talking to the customers, after freezing on the phone, not able to speak or move at all, before blacking out last Wednesday. However, I felt faint a couple of times before needing to hold onto the photocopier to stay upright, and left the place after about an hour.

Yesterday, Tuesday, I was again on the email work, went into work, nervous as heck about what was happening in my head, but was okay, until about 4pm. Dizzy spell, feeling leaving my legs a lot, and my arms a bit - having to pinch my arms to spark feeling again, and I thought enough is enough, I have to lie down for a bit.

After laying down for a bit in the sick room, off to home - having to concentrate on keeping track of my thoughts, that is one of the worst feelings, having to concentrate to just keep up with normal background transmission. Made it home safely enough, but had a bit of dizziness last night even - or I could just be worrying myself sicker.

Off to the doctor's today - I really wonder whether it is the normal epilepsy thing, the episode last Wednesday was more a black out than a 'normal' seizure - I didn't convulse, I didn't have a headache, I didn't have aching muscles - and am wondering whether the epilepsy is a convenient cover for something else/worse. I would like to see a specialist, maybe a neurologist...

And of course the illness keeping up my stress levels, with a dash of that old familiar, depression in there. One problem, my debt is almost out of the way, but the others are scrabbling for attention before the money issue is completely out of the way. Maybe a psych as well on the shopping list.

Just thinking out loud here, we will see how the appointment goes later this morning.

Paul

What A Week

Well, after talking about hospital visits with family members back in New Zealand, guess where I ended up on Wednesday. Yes, I flaked out again at work, a la seizure, a la what happened back in February. What made it worse was that I had a customer on the phone at the time, and I was trying to speak, to finish up the conversation, even to hit the mute button, and my brain to mouth communication and brain to hand movement failed completely.

It felt like an age later when I came to with a paramedic over me, quite cute this time around if I do say so myself, but I am told it was only like five to ten minutes or so. Apparently I didn't convulse strongly, if at all, and the only lasting effect this time around is the bite I gave my tongue - four days later and it is still hurting to eat, to drink and even to talk too much. But no headache, and no muscle ache, so that is a positive.

Four hours in hospital later, just under observation I think, with both Mum and Dad coming in to be with me, before the blood work coming back okay, as it always does, and then let out into rush hour traffic to home. A bit of dizziness Wednesday night and Thursday - I took the day off, and surprise surprise the cricket got watched. And that is all we will talk of this first test at least, the English are getting a pasting.

Friday I went into work, but just did email work, what with the tongue and all, still was feeling like I was talking through cotton wool. Half the reason I went to work on Friday was that it wouldn't look sus when I turned up to the work Christmas party, but really, I shouldn't have bothered.

The party was as dead as the Titanic - two people, including myself, turned up from my team, probably ten or so from the ranks of the permanent staff on my entire floor. Was padded out a bit by the temps who were 'allowed' to turn up after 8pm, but there wasn't a great take up from any of the teams in the entire building. It livened up a bit but I think that was mainly due to the alcohol consumed - I paced myself, after events earlier in the week and all, and basically drank myself sober - somehow it managed to stagger to 11pm and the train home at that time, but I could have taken a pass very easily. Some interesting dynamics in the latest group of temps though...

Yesterday I got myself out of the house, with camera in tow, went to Shorncliffe and Sandgate, then went into town, had a circuit around the Gabba (outside, because it was a sell out), and then went down to Kangaroo Point Cliffs - caught a ferry across the river to town and then caught the train home. Was a good day out - got sunburnt though, so won't be heading out today, more cricket torture watching no doubt.

Paul

Inoperable

My parents got back from New Zealand yesterday, and the news from my grandfather isn't good. His lung cancer has spread quickly the last six months or so, and is halfway around the pulmonary artery - if it gets around the whole artery, choking it as it were, it would not be good. And because it is so close to pretty major organs, heart lungs etc, it is pretty well inoperable - or, if they were to contemplate an operation, the survival rate from the surgery itself isn't flash hot, and they wouldn't recommend it in this situation.

The specialists in the region get together in Hamilton each Wednesday to discuss the latest cancer cases, and my grandfather's one is up for review today actually. It is all about quality of life and extending life expectancy at the moment, and I'm sure there will be a report from back home either tonight or later in the week.

A bit annoyed with my brother - you don't hear from him in weeks, and then I get home to a message asking me to ring him. When are the parents going to be home, I need my duty free smokes - well, they may be home in about half an hour or so, give a ring then. So he comes around, picks up his smokes, briefly asks about the trip, and leaves, after borrowing some work equipment from Dad.

Examples - Mum said the news from back home isn't good with Grandad, my brother says so he's a goner then, with a smile a slight laugh on his mouth, and about his daughter he asks she's almost two isn't she? She's your daughter mate, if you don't know - and on the grandfather thing, well, we all deal with grief in different ways, but the word 'goner' with a smile just got to me for some reason - and just the feeling that they were secondary questions to the important thing of the duty free.

I think I may head over to see how things are myself maybe Australia Day weekend. Yes, it is two months away, but my grandfather is giving the impression he doesn't want people hanging around anyways. See how things go.

Paul

It's The End Of The World As I Know It

Or nearing it at least - the end is in sight for my stupid damned debt. Take on a personal loan with credit cards and jump into the unknown of another country for a relationship, I think I have learnt my lesson from that one - of course, the loan was taken about eighteen months or two years before the Canadian experience, but still, it was more lack of job that got me in trouble.

Anyways, with the latest payment, I am at least four pays to go on repaying it all. Considering I am paid fortnightly, and taking into consideration the likelihood of travel to Tasmania and probably New Zealand, even taking that into consideration, I would see myself as debt free by sometime in February. About two years after I started this whole take responsibility and front up kick, and about four years after my give up my job and see where the chips will fall plan. And that worked so well as well - kidding.

So while I was doing the internal happy dance with that realisation, I thought about AFTER repayment. I have been so focussed, with probable obsessive compulsive traits, about this money I have to repay that all of what happens after has been shoved into the little box in my head marked 'Future Thoughts', and been stuffed until it is overflowing - not that I have looked at it in about two years of course.

I thought about flicking the lid to that box this week, just to have a look see what is there, prioritise it and all, just brushed against it even (stay with the metaphors with me please LOL), and it sprung up at me hard. Relationships - pretty obvious really; places to live - when to move out of the family home, whether Brisbane or elsewhere; work - whether to stick it out for a while longer where I am, saving money to make a move somewhere, or whether to take a leap into a more fulfilling job - those were just thee first three issues to jump out at me.

Well, first three issues after the big one of course - the fact that I do not like myself. I wouldn't class it as self hatred at the moment, but just a case of lack of loving or liking myself. And I have to work on that - preferably with professional help perhaps? Maybe it's not as if a shrink can help me like myself or anything, but thinking along those lines more so that I want to give myself the best chance of not screwing up the next relationship I have.

I mean, after I pay the debt off, I could somewhat easily throw myself into a relationship and all that entails, but if I don't do my best to get my head straight, then it will probably be doomed to failure like the last one. I kind of got talked into that one I think, if you know what I mean - I was wanting to be self sufficient coming into the relationship, financially at least, or at least pay more of my own way, but I got talked into bringing my plans forward a year or two.

Long distance relationships suck in so many different ways.

And I want to get my head straight before throwing myself into another situation. Of course, this could just be the procrastinating side of my head working out a new strategy after the 'wait until the money is paid back' defence stops working, but hmm, I would rather have the procrastinating side of me in control rather than the self sabotaging one. Self sabotage because that part of me doesn't feel I should ever be happy, so works to make sure that will never happen.

Hmm, this has been a constant thread of my self analysis ever since I can remember - that my brain is divided into different camps of thought. When I went through my teenage depression, I even thought of my brain as a little parliament or congress, with factions aligning differently every so often to create a 'working majority' in my head. Is that strange to think that way, because I sure as heck think it is.

And I think too much about certain things (the workings of my brain, American politics, Iraq for examples) and don't think much about others (my grandfather's illness). V says I stick my head in the sand, but I just think of different stuff, usually that I can't change myself - therefore self sabotaging my importance in the world? If I think about stuff that I can't change, then I will automatically fail? Or perhaps it is the opposite, and I can't fail with things I can't affect.

Okay, my head is spinning enough with all this inward thought, this is not, repeat not, one of the entertaining entries.

Paul

Heck Of A Job, Rummy

Once the Dems won the House of Reps, Dubya finally agreed to the resignation of Rumsfeld, which he had offered after Abu Ghraib became public knowledge. A bit of a hint that Rummy's resignation was forced this time around, and Dubya's dad's CIA chief has stepped in as the new Defense Secretary (bloody Americans with their S in defence). No, not 'slam dunk' Medal of Freedom George Tenet either.

Just a week or two ago, Bush had said that Cheney and Rummy would likely be kept until the end of his administration, and the American media, at least the doubting Thomas parts of it, picked up that as probably a bit of a mistruth - they, the media, are being very careful about the word lie, but six of one half a dozen of another basically.

Reminds me of some of the stupid things Bush said after Hurricane Katrina, how he would like to rebuild one of the Republican politicians house so he could sit on the front porch again, when over a thousand were dead, and tens of thousands were refugees - or FEMA boss Michael Brown doing a heck of a job. Which he promptly resigned from about a week later.

And then, joy of joys, the Dems took Montana and Virginia in the Senate, the later by less than 0.3% of the vote (thank you liberal suburbs of DC), but the Republican wouldn't go for a recount to try and find those 7000 votes he needed. Next on the chopping block possibly is UN Ambassador John Bolton, who was only appointed while the Senate was on recess, when the then Republican led Senate wouldn't confirm him anyways.

And Bush did say that Cheney would be sticking around as well - hmm, feeling queasy Dick? Was half watching Robocop (repeat number 513) last night, and the way that OCP controlled Detroit made me think of Halliburton and Iraq.

And of course, thinking about these huge international stories just means I avoid the more immediate issues around me - ah procrastination, one of my deadly sins. Was thinking about my less than savoury personality traits yesterday, might do a post about them umm one of these days.

Paul

Pause For Breath

The polls were right - sigh of relief, after about six years of the Dems seeming to do everything to strive to fail, things may have changed. A majority of about thirty in the House of Reps, and too close to call in the Senate, four seats won, Virginia and Montana a wafer thin lead after the votes have been counted. Bring in the lawyers and the recounts and the challenges - if both seats stay in the Dem column, by 7800 and 1500 votes respectively, both chambers of Congress will have changed. Who would have thought it, even two months ago?

Of course, despite the international news being swamped by the US news, the rest of the world does go on - bombs and mass casualties in Sri Lanka, Pakistan and Gaza, Britney Spears is getting a divorce from K-Fed.

Paul

Great Picture

Looking very West Wing or A Few Good Men - pan across to the Iwo Jima statue, drums and trumpets swelling in the background. For a country that you can be so cynical about their politics, they do do their national monuments very well.

Paul

Melbourne Cup Day

Mmm, the race that stops a nation, like, whatever. While a lot of the others at work were getting all a-flutter about the race and their sweep picks, I put the obligatory two dollars in for the one sweep entry, and was dealing with annoying customers and frustrating orders. No doubt with the Japanese winner and second place getter this year, there will be rules against unAustralianess at the Cup next year. Maybe the foreign horses will be sent to Nauru or something.

Anyways, frustrating day at work, hoopla about a horse race - but it is also the US midterms, woohoo. Tell you what, about eighty percent of my news reading the last couple of months has been about the elections - with the other twenty percent probably being Iraq. How on earth did I get so interested in such a dry topic? Some people can get excited about what is happening on Grey's Anatomy this week, whereas my interest is what is happening in the Senate races in Tennessee and Virginia.

I can understand my interest in general American history, and the Presidents and such, but Congress, I can't remember when I got interested in that. Maybe 1994, with the Republican takeover? And how did I grow up Tory back home in NZ but have become more progressive and liberal with my international political leanings?

If I could go back in time and shake myself out of my boring political leanings, I would. There was an interesting doco on TV before about Tiananmen Square in 1989 - how different it all looks with hindsight, communism in Europe fallen and socialism in Asia by lip service only. June 1989, it seems several lifetimes ago...

But on the US elections, we will see how things go early evening tomorrow. If the Yanks vote for the Republicans to keep their majorities again, things are seriously screwed up.

Paul

Over Sold

I bought a shirt the other day - I wasn't going to, but I had a voucher that was going to expire in two weeks, and I had to get something nice for this 21st I am going to next weekend. So I'm in this particular store, I see three shirts that I like, well, quickly whittled down to two, and that one was too light anyways, but I need to try the shirt I liked in medium.

The guy brought me some sandals to try on, to have a look at, this new season's stuff is nice and comfy - yes, it is, and yes, the sandals that I am wearing are crap, but that is the whole point, I don't think I will ever get fancy sandals, but I just came in to get a shirt, I don't want and more importantly do not have the money for $90 sandals.

Oh, but we are doing a deal in watches at the moment, half price for these ones, what a nice season's range we have - no, I am fine - oh, but you are buying a 21st present, maybe the person would like a nice watch. Umm, no, it's a workmate, not only is a watch too personal a choice for that sort of relationship, but I have a set budget in my head for what she is getting, and a watch, half price or not, doesn't come into it.

No, I didn't say that stuff to the guy, but I thought it - I hate oversellers, and I hate it when people at work say I am in sales, no sorry mate, customer service is my primary concern, sales is for those people who have the confidence to sell, I might have it, the confidence, but I don't really care one way or the other.

Anyways, I ran away from the store with only the one shirt that I was meaning to buy in the first place, and may not be back for a while. It was kinda lucky that the guy didn't hit my secondary weak point with clothes shopping, ties.

Pauly

Rain On The Roof

Greetings from Drought Central, also known as Australia, and specifically the south east Queensland portion thereof. Woke up to a sound this morning that I hadn't heard since I don't know how long - rain on the roof. Spent an extra half hour in bed, on the cusp of full wakefulness, luxuriating in the sound of raindrops. And not just a faint sprinkle at that, just had a 'moderate' downpour the last half hour as I have been typing, and looking at the rain radar, it is going to be rainy most of the day.

And for the first time in another I don't know when it happened last timeframe, on the weather report last night, it had showers, rain or storms for the entire week ahead - yippee. LOL, just had a thought, all this rain, just in time for the first Ashes cricket test.

Yes, it may have been the farmers and rural Oztraya that got an extra three quarters of a billion dollars in drought relief, but us urbanites are having our portion of the pain as well. Level 4 restrictions came in on 1 November, meaning that we can only water gardens with buckets and to keep pools uncovered (a consideration in this household) you need to get a seperate water tank off the town system. We got a mini-pool anyways, so a pool cover storage thing will apparently take up too much room.

It just continues to surprise me how, on the dryest continent on the planet, climate change doesn't get a bigger priority in the politics of the place. The Prime Minister has been a sceptic about global warming like forever - good John Clarke skit on the 7.30 Report on Thursday about it, showing that the PM just continually delays even contemplating it or anything - and the Premier of Queensland seems to be relying on prayer to sort this drought out, a state week of prayer announced for next week.

And of course, that was announced about a week after the latest cringeworthy excuses for Queensland not to get daylight savings were aired.

The week, of course, also newsworthy for the British Stern report on climate change, saying if we, as a planet, don't sort out the environmental damage we are doing, within the next ten years, the effects could cost a quarter of global GDP, there could be two hundred million climate refugees, when the parts of the planet they are living on become uninhabitable for humans, and forty percent of animal and plant species will die off in the next, umm, well I can't remember what timeframe that was going to be.

Again, with the dryest continent on the planet thing, you would think the debate would get a bit beyond disagreeing that people who can't live where they used to be call refugees, thank you Ms Vanstone, or the idea that if the entire planet doesn't do something together, then any discussion can wait until then, thank you Mr Howard. And Parliament House is using five percent more energy and twenty percent more water (or is it the other way around) than it was last year - along with Australia being the biggest user of energy in the world, on a per capita basis, that kind of scotches the 'we are doing our bit according to the Kyoto Treaty even though we aren't in it' argument also raised in Canberra this week.

Along with the report that global fish stocks have collapsed in a third of the seas already, and may be completely gone in forty or fifty years, and the documentary out about Peak Oil, doing the nightmare scenario about a world running out of oil, plastics and a lot of transportation. Back to the days of sailing ships and horse and carts perhaps?

One of the other things in that doco, A Crude Awakening, was that to have as much power as we do nowadays, without oil, we would need ten thousand nuclear reactors, and all the uranium would run out in twenty years anyways.

There may be rain on the roof today, but over the horizon we may still be screwed.

Paul

Positive Negative

The news from back home with my grandfather is one step forward, one step backward. Last Thursday I think was the bad day, when I finally actually heard what the situation was - before that I was more head in sand about it than anything else.

Then on Saturday it was good again, my grandfather was home and on the phone - surprised my mother as she thought he would still be in hospital - and sounding bright, alert and all that. Another downer on Monday, when it was confirmed he has lung cancer.

Biopsy done on Wednesday after the docs got their heads together on Tuesday, and now to wait a couple of weeks before those results come back. Just in time for my parents to be there, hmm - and he is apparently sounding very vague and all, has some dementia as well apparently.

Spoke to the boss, who said if I need to take time off to see him, if it gets to that severity of thing, then to book the flights and take the time off, she has already given verbal approval. My mother has said not to go over in a rush or anything, otherwise it may give the appearance of birds circling around - yes, I know what type of birds I mean, but I didn't want type that species up in regards to a family member.

It's a day to day situation really. Hopefully things improve, fingers crossed.

Paul