It has been another weekend where I have had to convince myself, force myself to do anything, to go out. So I did go out to the local shopping centre, but only because I needed a book to read on my weekly commute - was almost as if I was seeking inspiration when I was down there, which I don't really think was found with donuts, milkshakes or burgers. Almost felt overwhelmed by the crowds, which is surprising, because it was just a normal Sunday, people wise.
It took me three visits to the two bookstores in there to decide on a book to get - even though the true story of some Adelaide serial killers sounded interesting, I didn't want to depress myself further I thought. Maybe in a couple of weeks or months I will be up to reading about torture and cannibalism, but just not today - was trying to find something uplifting, or at least slightly positive. Even books about fictional crimes or fictional takes on geopolitics - California versus Mexico in a near future civil war perhaps - seemed a bit too close to the bone, so I spent ages trying to find a fantasy book I could get my teeth into.
Not sure what it is, whether it is the Robert Jordan series that just keeps going on and on, or the whole post September 11 thing where geopolitics or non fiction was more interesting as a subject, but I have really gone off fantasy and science fiction as a genre the last few years. But I got one today, so hopefully I can get into the genre again - one of the problems is that there are so many series on the shelves that don't have a book 1 available, instead books 2 through 4 etc. Maybe I should sign up to Amazon or one of the Aussie bookseller sites...
And was thinking of getting a computer game as well, but seriously, there are just so many variants of empire building, sports management or simulated cities or people games that you can have. And am always worried that I will bring these whizz bang games home and the five year old PC won't be able to handle it. Wouldn't mind getting into one of these online World of Warcraft kind of games, but again, would probably need broadband to get the most of it - yes, yes I am still on dial up. So, no computer game bought today, and not buying more than I need to does save money, or mean that I can pay more off my debt.
And that is what it all comes back to lately - the debt repayment. Should take about another six to nine months on the latest projections, but while I am doing that it just feels like my life is on hold. I don't feel I can do much of anything until I do pay it off - from the small things of obviously not being able to buy a computer or get broadband if I don't know whether I will be in Brisbane or at least the familial home this time in however many months, to the big things of making decisions on where to live for example.
Work has sucked the last couple of months, although surprisingly the last couple of weeks I have been doing okay - one day last week I actually hit all the daily targets I should for like the first time ever - but unsure whether to keep in a holding pattern for the next however many months or to contemplate finding a career path in there, it is a nationwide concern so I could move around if I did want to stay in the company.
That's how I am feeling in general at the moment, that things are in a holding pattern, that I am putting too much emphasis on the financial stuff - of course, my own damned fault for getting into that trouble in the first place - and that I could be concentrating on other stuff in my life just as much. I would like to have friends in this state that I could go to movies with, that I could go to shopping malls with, but one of the worst habits I have gotten into was doing things by myself - I guess I have been too much of a loner for most of my life.
I feel like most of the friends I have had in my life, especially from back home, New Zealand, have fallen by the wayside and that is mostly my fault for not keeping in touch enough. I could make friends in Brisbane, apart from workmates who I don't feel comfortable with asking to do weekend stuff with, but if I am going in a short time, it takes so much effort to make good friends. Making friends in general is easy, but making friends that you can do stuff with, meaning stuff more than just Friday drinks, not so easy.
And of course, the specific cause of this weekend's specific gloom is the Middle East situation. Speaking purely personally, I feel that no matter who started what - was it Hizbullah capturing the two Israeli soldiers, was it Israel for the 1982 invasion that helped start Hizbullah, was it the Arab nations for sabre rattling in 1967, was it Sykes and Picot for supporting the Arabs in the First World War whilst secretly promising the Jews their homeland in 1916 - no matter what the history is leading up to all this, the fact is that Israel is the regional bully. Plain and simple.
They have held two million Palestinians in occupation for forty years - and don't give me the well they let Gaza go free story, yes, the Israeli military may have left the territory, but with no port, no airport, no access to the outside world apart from the Rafah crossing to Egypt, how was Gaza ever supposed to detach itself from Israel.
On the northern front, if you are really trying to destroy Hizbullah, which, by the way, Israel hasn't been able to do for over twenty years, sure, destroy all the infrastructure in the south of the country, but why blockade the entire country, bomb the airport, collectively punish the entire country for one militia's vendetta towards you - oh, that's right, the Israeli policy, as reported on the wires, is to get the rest of Lebanon so angry at Hizbullah that the rest of Lebanon gets the militia under control. A bit of dodgy psychology there, to go against a party that isn't bombing the heck out of the country - caused a war, sure, but isn't currently bombing Lebanon itself...
But the gloom is that which I think is found whenever you come up against an example of bullying, the absolute feeling of impotence, of uselessness I feel on this side of the globe. Yes, I do know there is absolutely nothing I can do about this situation, but people say that as if I shouldn't get angry or depressed about the situation at all. And yes, the gloom affects me by giving me guilts about even attempting to enjoy myself at say, a movie cinema or shopping mall.
Sorry about the length of this one, and I'm sure I've lost most of the readership, but some issues I just can't keep quiet about.
Paul
It took me three visits to the two bookstores in there to decide on a book to get - even though the true story of some Adelaide serial killers sounded interesting, I didn't want to depress myself further I thought. Maybe in a couple of weeks or months I will be up to reading about torture and cannibalism, but just not today - was trying to find something uplifting, or at least slightly positive. Even books about fictional crimes or fictional takes on geopolitics - California versus Mexico in a near future civil war perhaps - seemed a bit too close to the bone, so I spent ages trying to find a fantasy book I could get my teeth into.
Not sure what it is, whether it is the Robert Jordan series that just keeps going on and on, or the whole post September 11 thing where geopolitics or non fiction was more interesting as a subject, but I have really gone off fantasy and science fiction as a genre the last few years. But I got one today, so hopefully I can get into the genre again - one of the problems is that there are so many series on the shelves that don't have a book 1 available, instead books 2 through 4 etc. Maybe I should sign up to Amazon or one of the Aussie bookseller sites...
And was thinking of getting a computer game as well, but seriously, there are just so many variants of empire building, sports management or simulated cities or people games that you can have. And am always worried that I will bring these whizz bang games home and the five year old PC won't be able to handle it. Wouldn't mind getting into one of these online World of Warcraft kind of games, but again, would probably need broadband to get the most of it - yes, yes I am still on dial up. So, no computer game bought today, and not buying more than I need to does save money, or mean that I can pay more off my debt.
And that is what it all comes back to lately - the debt repayment. Should take about another six to nine months on the latest projections, but while I am doing that it just feels like my life is on hold. I don't feel I can do much of anything until I do pay it off - from the small things of obviously not being able to buy a computer or get broadband if I don't know whether I will be in Brisbane or at least the familial home this time in however many months, to the big things of making decisions on where to live for example.
Work has sucked the last couple of months, although surprisingly the last couple of weeks I have been doing okay - one day last week I actually hit all the daily targets I should for like the first time ever - but unsure whether to keep in a holding pattern for the next however many months or to contemplate finding a career path in there, it is a nationwide concern so I could move around if I did want to stay in the company.
That's how I am feeling in general at the moment, that things are in a holding pattern, that I am putting too much emphasis on the financial stuff - of course, my own damned fault for getting into that trouble in the first place - and that I could be concentrating on other stuff in my life just as much. I would like to have friends in this state that I could go to movies with, that I could go to shopping malls with, but one of the worst habits I have gotten into was doing things by myself - I guess I have been too much of a loner for most of my life.
I feel like most of the friends I have had in my life, especially from back home, New Zealand, have fallen by the wayside and that is mostly my fault for not keeping in touch enough. I could make friends in Brisbane, apart from workmates who I don't feel comfortable with asking to do weekend stuff with, but if I am going in a short time, it takes so much effort to make good friends. Making friends in general is easy, but making friends that you can do stuff with, meaning stuff more than just Friday drinks, not so easy.
And of course, the specific cause of this weekend's specific gloom is the Middle East situation. Speaking purely personally, I feel that no matter who started what - was it Hizbullah capturing the two Israeli soldiers, was it Israel for the 1982 invasion that helped start Hizbullah, was it the Arab nations for sabre rattling in 1967, was it Sykes and Picot for supporting the Arabs in the First World War whilst secretly promising the Jews their homeland in 1916 - no matter what the history is leading up to all this, the fact is that Israel is the regional bully. Plain and simple.
They have held two million Palestinians in occupation for forty years - and don't give me the well they let Gaza go free story, yes, the Israeli military may have left the territory, but with no port, no airport, no access to the outside world apart from the Rafah crossing to Egypt, how was Gaza ever supposed to detach itself from Israel.
On the northern front, if you are really trying to destroy Hizbullah, which, by the way, Israel hasn't been able to do for over twenty years, sure, destroy all the infrastructure in the south of the country, but why blockade the entire country, bomb the airport, collectively punish the entire country for one militia's vendetta towards you - oh, that's right, the Israeli policy, as reported on the wires, is to get the rest of Lebanon so angry at Hizbullah that the rest of Lebanon gets the militia under control. A bit of dodgy psychology there, to go against a party that isn't bombing the heck out of the country - caused a war, sure, but isn't currently bombing Lebanon itself...
But the gloom is that which I think is found whenever you come up against an example of bullying, the absolute feeling of impotence, of uselessness I feel on this side of the globe. Yes, I do know there is absolutely nothing I can do about this situation, but people say that as if I shouldn't get angry or depressed about the situation at all. And yes, the gloom affects me by giving me guilts about even attempting to enjoy myself at say, a movie cinema or shopping mall.
Sorry about the length of this one, and I'm sure I've lost most of the readership, but some issues I just can't keep quiet about.
Paul
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