Yep, I am writing again. And once again, I'm not exactly sure where I am wanting to take this thought bubble, but I do best with my writings free form jazz style. Whether or not Fet is the best place to potentially crucify myself (with words) is still a valid concern, but hey, most of my friends are here, so is as good a place as any. In the online, across the world in a heartbeat, kind of way.
I am wracked with social anxiety.
There, I said it. For most of you, that may well seem laughable. Yes, my Facebook feed is just one big conga line of pretty girls, delicious food, gorgeous cocktails and seemingly endless screeds of culture. Yes, I'm the guy at the party hugging a different person every twenty five seconds. Yes, I'm the guy at the party dressed to the nines as a chick, without batting an eyelid at what anyone else thinks of the costume.
And looking fabulous while doing so
But it's true. If you had known me three years ago, in Brisbane, my self confidence, self awareness, and general comfort in my own skin was almost non existent. Hell, I was even trying to be a sporty alpha jock, or at least fit in with that crowd. Oh, the hilarity of me trying to camouflage myself in that sense. I also analysed everything to the twentieth degree, both my own actions, as well as everyone else's.
I was wracked with self doubt, always second guessing myself.
And now, just because I have learnt so much the last couple of years about my own capacity and strengths, and being better at handling the Automatic Negative Thoughts than I was back then, doesn't mean the thoughts have actually gone away.
And the silly thing is, the closer I am to someone, the more anxious I get. The fear of not being interesting, not to hold up my end of a conversation, of being boring. Of being too needy in my friendships. Of taking up too much of their time. Of not being able to be strong enough to cope with everything, and needing support. Yes, logically these are stupid stupid thoughts, not worthy of thought, let alone showing them out in public as I am now, but there you go. Being human is sometimes the very opposite of logical - and no, that's not a Trek line. As far as I know at least.
So yes, my close friends. I'm more worried about how I come across to you guys than the rest of the world. Weird, huh?
I'm sure there's more I could write, but I'm a bit spent doing this much thinking, to be honest. I don't want to be talking about myself for any longer than I feel I absolutely need to, you know. And there's new shiny to distract myself with, Olympics coverage and all.
Hmm. Maybe I should try the sporty jock thing again...
