1. Mistress loves me.
2. Though I'm not 100% sure of how Sir thinks of me, I believe he considers me indispensible as well.
3. They both care for me.
4. They both want me here.
5. Unless they no longer want me here, I am staying put.
6. Real life is damned difficult.
7. After my last posting, a major recalibration took place. Yet, at the same time, things quickly reverted to how they were before.
8. Submission is a personality trait of mine, obviously, rather than anything that I was *playing* at.
9. Even though I am not *supposed* to call them Mistress and Sir, I still do at least half the time in my head. And for the blog it is simpler to leave those terms in place for now for convenience, rather than to confuse the readership all over again.
10. When on a holiday with the family a few weeks ago, I missed both Mistress AND Sir. And another mutual friend of the three of us. Missing the latter two surprised and dare I say shocked the hell out of me.
11. I love taking in the coffee and newspapers into their bedroom on the weekends. When allowed.
12. I love making coffee for the both of them, but especially Mistress. The way Sir prefers instant coffee, well, a monkey could make a good cuppa with instant. Real coffee takes more skill.
13. I love the first hug of the day.
14. I love sharing the actual cup of coffee with Mistress.
15. I can do my own tie and cufflinks easily enough, but that frisson of squee when I deign to pretend I have no skills and Mistress does it for me. Squee!
16. Mistress the other day saying that I can *practise* my techniques on her. Sure, she only meant hugging and groping at the time, but what else can I practise, hmm?
17. Her picture on my desk at work.
18. *Situational awareness* - having a fair idea at any point at any time whereabouts Mistress is. And the fact that it isn't going to be the other side of the continent. And knowing that she has the same situational awareness regarding me.
19. Getting picked up from the train station after work. Looking forward to seeing her, and getting those precious three to five minutes in the car, completing the commute home.
20. Her breaking into a smile or giggles or flat out laughter when I do my comic relief/class clown thing. I don't feel as if the day is complete unless I have made her smile. And getting Sir to curve his lips upwards is always a win as well.
21. The look in their eyes when I track down some obscure fact in my head and, dare I say, show off my knowledge. Works especially well when the kids are around - kind of a two for one deal.
22. How well I get on with the kids. Though god knows how they think the situation works.
23. Child Two chatterboxing away on any topic as if I was just a normal part of his life.
24. The fact that I have spent decades trying to find a place to fit in, to belong, and it seems as though I have here.
25. Laying on the front lawn while Mistress does the gardening, looking up at the sky, and just thinking there is nowhere else I would rather be.
26. Curling up on the Big Bed.
27. The look Sir gets in his eyes when he lets the guard down around me, and goes into caring mode. Rare, but precious.
28. The support the two of them give me.
29. Helping the two of them out is my greatest reward.
30. I should really strangle my personality type for having such low reward requirements lol.
31. Helping Mistress achieve what she needs in life. Which she went through in a bit of detail with me last week.
32. Realising my only real need is to be Here, to be close at hand for the both of them as and when required.
33. Realising that, doing my utmost to let all my other worries and concerns go.
34. It will either work, or it won't. I should be as black and white as that about how the future will roll.
35. And it will work. It will. It may not be exactly what everyone anticipated it would be, but it will work to the benefit of everyone in the situation.
36. We, all three of us, work well as a team.
37. If I let my rational side take a look at what is going on, he runs away in confused terror lol.
38. I am free to seek side adventures elsewhere.
39. Though I will still get SOME of my physical needs met by Mistress and Sir, when they are in the mood to do so.
40. For birthdays, Christmas and special parties.
41. The inner strength I found in myself at the start of this relationship, situation, whatever the heck it is, has continued to flourish the further into things I get.
42. If I didn't have that internal fortitude, I wouldn't have lasted the last month.
43. I had to find the strength inside myself, to come out a better, stronger person, capable of taking on board more than I expected I needed to.
44. I am not the person I was when I first got Here. I am harder than I was, less brittle. More in tune with Mistress and Sir's needs and requirements. Even though I can't make head nor tail of their personality types, even on a good day lol.
45. On a good day, it is entertaining to try and figure them out. On a bad day, it is diabolical lol.
46. I like getting tea, coffee, coke or gin and tonics for all and sundry. It gives me a sense of satisfaction. Don't ask me where that trait of me came from though.
47. I am a damned fine cook. If only I got over the self doubt sometimes.
48. I find I am in the zone when I am cooking. That I hum to myself, and find some sort of inner peace. Mistress and Sir have noticed that as well, and therefore when I am stressed, cooking tends to find me in a happy place.
49. I like the way a table looks as it is set. I like having the family around the table when we eat dinner. Though pizza and DVD nights in the lounge are also fun. When the DVD player is working I mean.
50. Mistress said, when I was looking for labels a couple of weeks ago, that I am not just a member of the household, as I was labelling myself, but a member of the family. I melted at that.
51. Workwise, I have completely fallen on my feet.
52. I could take over the workplace if I really really wanted to.
53. But that is Brain's job, and I am merely Pinky.
54. The best part of the workday - listening to my workmates. Irish and Welsh accented girls... gah, in a totally good way.
55. One of my refrains is that I am never doing enough around here.
56. Mistress tried to peg me down on what 'enough' would be.
57. I thought about it, and it is that nebulous concept between what they actually need and want, and everything I could possibly give them.
58. The difference between the two is wafer thin (I am kidding).
59. Mistress doesn't think I have a cynical side.
60. But then again, she also has trouble considering me a commitment phobe.
61. In the lounge room is a constant reminder of my personality, of me. A print of Munch's Vampyr.
62. That is what I feel the current situation, mucked up even though as it is, protects me from. The print to me is a visual metaphor to being a doormat to anyone and everyone.
63. Mistress is doing her best to teach me not to be a doormat. To harden me up in the positive way. And hence protect me from the Vampyr fate.
64. I have an art blog. But if I try to review/analyse/write about the Munch piece, I will throw too much of my personal life into what is supposedly a relatively objective critique. Well, no, subjective, of course, but there are degrees of subjectiveness, and throwing a multicoloured rainbow of an explanation of my submissive side, not a good idea.
65. Mistress wants me to do more art. Both as a critic and a practitioner.
66. If it weren't for art, and my blog about it, Mistress and I might have passed each other on the internet, without so much as a second glance. Which would have been an Epic Fail.
67. At the start, I was too touchy feely for her. But she has gotten used to me being as tactile as I am. I can hardly pass her in the room without trailing my fingers along her back, or touching her shoulder in reassurance, or diving in for a hug or whatever.
68. I am content. There is the pecking order in the household, that I have gotten used to by now. I am not squirming under it as I was. And I don't know what really has changed, to be perfectly honest.
69. Hehe. Sixty nine. Hehehe.
70. When I first got here, I only considered I had one *spot*. After being here several months now, I have discovered several spots, at least one per room.
71. I have come to the realisation - confirmed by Mistress - that this is My house, as much as it is anyone else's.
72. This is Home. In a way nowhere else in my adult life has been.
73. I think when they realise this, it makes Mistress and Sir go eek. But then we get lost in the everyday stuff again for weeks on end, before we surface again for Big Picture viewing.
74. Mistress, Sir and my friends over here encourage me for what I can do, and who I am.
75. I was coming out of my shell over there in the last couple of months, but not a speck on the extent I have done over here. Although I was meeting some lovely people over there as well who were accepting me for the real me.
76. Although I do need to work on my self image more. I still sometimes want to curl up into a ball of self loathing.
77. How did that one get in there, this was supposed to be a list of the positives in my life. Ah well, one out of so many is a kinda sorta win.
78. I love talking international affairs and politics with Mistress. Local affairs is also okay, but the other two topics have been loves of mine for decades, and to be with someone as interested in them as I am.
79. And, thinking of one of my friends, to have someone interested yet also not the exact polar opposite of my political leanings, that's a win.
80. I have always had a sore spot regards money, probably due to an out of control debt crisis about ten years ago.
81. However, now all my money goes towards the household - apart from *pocket money* - and, as Mistress has said to me many times in the past few months, money may be tight but they are never going to let me starve.
82. Well, as she just clarified for me tonight, if I starve, we all starve LOL.
83. But, I don't worry about money anymore.
84. I am also a damned fine photographer.
85. Mistress says I should sell some of my photos, they are that good.
86. I would rather get some practise with some friends of lingerie, corsetry or *ahem* nude shots.
87. Mistress has teased me for MONTHS saying she would be obliging with that type of photography. All dependent on Sir's permission of course. And although I have skirted around the edges of the topic, I haven't managed to be brave enough to actually broach it outright.
88. Tomatoes, from the actual garden in the back yard.
89. Moving around everyone - Mistress, Sir, the kids - in the kitchen when it is rush hour. There is something about the fluidity of movement of people who are used to, who are comfortable around each other.
90. Writing messages of the day on the whiteboard.
91. Doing the laundry.
92. Folding the washing.
93. Washing the dishes.
94. Wondering where in hell I learned all these domestic chores. Seriously, it must have been in a past life.
95. Websurfing with Mistress.
96. Especially when it is porn, or porn*ish*.
97. The reaction the flowers I send from time to time get.
98. The collar.
99. How on earth could I forget about The Collar? Probably my most prized possession, to be honest.
100. Being happier here in this kinda sorta odd situation than in any of my *vanilla* relationships in the past.
101. Being loved.
