Return Serve

I'm not sure whether I can actually be coherent in this post or not, but may rather do bullet points or something, was stressed last week and am down, lurking close to depression, this week.

Had my monthly review at work last week - breezed through it, and I got a 'team member of the month' award this week, but one bit of the conversation with the boss stuck with me, and I wanted to remember it to put down on 'paper' here.

I said that I thought I was well enough liked in the team - boss said, don't think it, know it, and it is more than just liking, that my colleagues respect me. As if respect is important I was saying to myself - hell, I don't do it for myself, so why should others?

It is funny, I think I do a good enough job in the workplace because unlike some others around the place I can easily make the hard decisions and take responsibility for my actions, whereas others just wishy wash their way into doing not much of anything. Whereas my private life has very few hard decisions made, responsibility taken and the rest.

Running away from the hard issues and decisions in my personal life works well enough for me - or perhaps not.

Sometimes I wonder if I am manic depressive, sometimes it seems as if my moods can turn on a pin. Example - fab weekend just gone, Monday morning in the office and it all turns to shit.

Or perhaps I sabotage my own happiness - the 'we're not worthy' syndrome. Example, sending my work visa application when in Canada to the wrong consulate - Boston instead of Buffalo, or whatever it was. It just extended the timeframe before I could earn money, be semi independent and the rest by just a few more weeks, but those few weeks were the death knell of the relationship. Whether I was actually happy at the time is another question.

As well as currently, making decisions on the direction in life over the next X number of years, I am sure if I made a decision and stuck with it I would be happy, but no, I have to drag it out over the various coals for as extended a time as possible.

Maybe I have a pathological desire to be liked, and the greatest fear is to be rejected. Especially if that rejection came when showing weakness or vulnerability. Hence the confident, sometimes brash, sometimes obnoxious exterior I show in the wider world.

Does the word depression automatically make one a headcase nutjob?

Am very much in Retreat From The World mode right the last couple of days.

May write despatches, or I might see you on the other side...

Multicultural Festival 07

I enjoyed myself heaps at last year's one, so decided to go again - even though I had to get up at about 7.30am on a Sunday morning, I was bouncing out the door in excitement about an hour later. Kinda lucky there wasn't any rugby to watch - small mercies, for the next four bloody years.

Got to Roma Street Parklands, quickly grazed past the Citizenship Ceremony - yawn, boring - and found myself listening to the first world music (flute, guitar and mandolin I think) while eating a Bolivian 'papa' - sweet potato and mince in a pastry of some type. I think a smile was already on my face - and unlike last year, I had already plastered sunscreen on myself.

Then up to the Amphitheatre for the Ethiopian dance troupe - kids aged from about seven to seventeen, oh, I wish I could describe the sounds from yesterday. Ethiopia was nice, but it wasn't exactly mindblowingly good, if you know what I mean.

Then over to Act Two, arriving a bit early, so had the Indian sitar gourd thing - a morning raga, I am reading from the programme, though what that is I'm not exactly sure. Had the drum and strings thing going anyways. Round Two of Ethnic Food Of The Day was provided by Vietnam, rice paper rolls, which were very yum.

Aboriginal dancers up next, and they were very good, didgeridoo, clacking sticks, dancing writhing about in front of me - front row seat and the dust was being kicked up good. Got a couple of really good photos from that.

Then, via a Spanish fudge filled churro, it was to Bolivia, and the umm high set costumes on the women and the full wool for the guys. I am sure it was about five degrees warmer last year for the Fest, so it was nice that the Bolivians would have been a bit cooler this year. And it felt like it was a longer set last year, but maybe it was just the feeling of Greatest Multiculture Fest 06 Rewind about seeing Bolivia two years in a row. Or something.

Up the hill again to Mongolia, and OMG wow, horsehead fiddle and harmonic singing, and it was definitely one of the finds of the day. Transported to the icy wastes of a Mongolian winter, hard thing to do in the subtropics, and the instrument itself was beautiful. Hung around for ten minutes afterwards just to get a picture of the square fiddle, with the horse's head. I missed the Sierra Leoneans on another of the stages, but a small price to pay. Good music as well.

After filling my face with Russian potato pie, YUM, sat down and took in five minutes of Irish music. But then got sick of it very quickly and lined up for spicy German sausage, with sauerkraut even - hey, it was around midday and lunchtime, so it was feed your face time. First major queues of the day, and although it was cooler than last year, it was still frustrating waiting behind people - especially the guy that said 'Guten Tag, I'll have one of those - Auf Wiedersehen'. Umm, I think they will understand English, dickhead.

Up again to the Upper Parklands, this time to see Rwandan dance and drums. And boy, did those African drums get going. Not meaning to sound umm un-multicultural, if that is a word, but massively good beat that wouldn't be out of place in a King Kong or Heart of Darkness adaptation. And what was with the drumstick twirling around the neck thing - I have to say that 1994 was a bit on my mind with the Rwandans. But damned good drumming.

Then back down to the main stage, for the Kurds - I had forgotten how bored I was with them last year. Of course, I was red as a beet at that stage of the day last year, and after a second application of sunscreen, I was still good to go - didn't get burnt all day. The Kurdish dancing still wasn't up to much chop though. If you had a better national dance, maybe you would have had your own country by now :)

And then an unscheduled treat - the Congolese boys were running late, and I didn't have them penned into my schedule, but OMG, these kids can't have been much older than eighteen, but for about twenty minutes straight they danced with their 'hips'. Should have had parental advisory labels on their act, cos it was damned HOT. And yes, saying that as a straight guy. Was bloody brilliant, actually.

And then followed up with the Spanish dancers - girl ones, that is, not quite flamenco, or maybe it was. The group had been formed for Expo 88 and had danced for the King of Spain (sorry, but that does sound a bit cliche, you think?) all the way back then. Very good dancing, a little less sexyback than the Congolese boys though.

Then the set piece of the Carnival Procession, this year brought to you by the letters G, Y, P, S and Y. Less a Rio Carnivale as it was last year, more a dirty hippy gypsy big band thing, although with the Bolivians, Colombians and a couple of belly dancers bringing up the rear.

And then as the finale of my day - I well and truly maxed out my camera's memory card, and the battery itself was starting to die - I got about twenty shots in of the Colombian Carnivale thing. Some good shots towards the end of the battery life, and I had it on bloody auto - the rest of the day I was pretending that I knew better than a microchip and was taking some crap shots, I should have left it on auto for the duration. Ah well next year.

Ended the day wandering around the food tents - the Abyssinians had run out of their curry, the Swiss still had copious amounts of their chocolate fondue, with fruit to dip in it (as the guy said, last year they tried the traditional cheese one, but it's a hard sell this time of year in Brisbane, chocolate is easier), and I had a meat and pepper skewer of doubtful provenance from the Rwandans. Hmm, that sounded bad didn't it - I think it was beef...

Left Roma Street at about 3.30 and just made the right train home without waiting another half hour. Had a bit of a tan on my face, but the nose, neck and arms were well looked after - sunscreen, whoda thunk it would be that useful lol?

Fab day, two years out of two, am already counting down to next year. Something truly GOOD the Queensland government sponsors. I don't have that many days where I just live in the here and now, and Multicultural Fest brings that out in me, big time.

Paul